From Within

by J. M. Walker

  “He hides from people in general.” I rose to my feet and stretched my arms above my head before smiling down at him, ignoring the little voice nagging me to talk to him. “Let’s go work out like old times.”

  Xander scoffed, his gaze dark and heating with lust as they bored into mine.

  “Xander,” I breathed, my voice husky.

  His gaze landed on my full chest, my nipples hardening under the thin fabric. A slow grin spread on his face.

  “I’m not talking about sex,” I said quickly, taking a step back.

  “No?” He rose to his full height before sauntering towards me. “Why did you suggest it then?” He took another step towards me, backing me up until I hit the brick wall.

  “I didn’t suggest it. I would never allow you to have sex with me when I just came back.”

  Placing his hands against the wall on either side of my head, he caged me in. He leaned down, brushing his nose up the length of my neck. “But you didn’t come back. You’ve been here all along. I just didn’t know it.”

  I shivered, arching my back. God, I missed him. Never once would he act like this when we were kids. He was a boy. Although he could be an asshole, he was gentle and loving. The Xander standing in front of me, was a man in need of breaking his woman. Forcing her to submit to the ultimate desire of seduction and pleasure. “Xander, I…I told you.”

  “You didn’t tell me anything,” he said roughly, inching his body closer to mine.

  Being this close to him sent a flutter through my belly. A heat spread over me, intense to a point I never felt before. Not even when I was with him years ago. I became hyper aware of how my body reacted to him. My heart raced. The tiny hairs on my skin stood on end, tingling from the scent of him.

  “Tell me,” he ground out, peaking his tongue out to lick along the line of my jaw.

  “T-tell you what?” I asked, grazing my hands down his chest.

  “Tell me you want me.” He nipped the soft spot under my ear, igniting a moan to leave my lips.

  I whimpered, gripping his shirt in my hands. “I…”

  “Tell me,” he demanded, pushing his knee between my legs. The heat from his body washed over me, blanketing me in crazed lust. Moving against me, he dug his fingers into my hips.

  I groaned, undulating against his thigh. “Xander,” I panted.

  “Say it,” he growled, pushing into me hard.

  “I want you,” I cried out, shaking against him.

  A wicked grin spread on his face. “You were saying?” he asked when he released me.

  My mouth fell open before they flattened into a thin line when I realized Xander was only leading me on to the point I would beg for his mercy. “Xander.”

  In a quick move, he wrapped a hand around my throat.

  I gasped at the abrupt movement, my head jerking back against the wall.

  He leaned down to my ear. “If you ever lie to me again, I’ll bend you over my knee and spank your gorgeous ass.” He released me and headed into the house.

  I stood there panting and shaking. What the hell just happened? I made a promise with myself that I wouldn’t jump into his arms at the first moment I saw him but something had switched between us. The lust had grown so strong in the few short hours I had been around him that my body reacted first before my brain could catch up. If our meetings would be like this, I would lose my control and fast.

  ***

  (Xander)

  I had to fight the urge not to run back to her and dive into her sweet as hell body. I knew right away she was lying when she told me she wouldn’t have sex with me. Even from the little power play between us, she gave in right away and that no doubt pissed her off even more.

  I headed down to the basement, the sound of fists hitting a punching bag banging in my ears.

  Caiden hopped from foot to foot, his knuckles landing hard against the swinging item before him. He was graceful on his feet as he danced with the bag. “You do something to piss her off?” he asked, not bothering to look at me.

  My back stiffened. “How did you know?”

  “Because I know you. You haven’t seen her in ten years. You want her to hurt as much as you hurt.”

  I opened my mouth to respond when he raised a hand, stopping me.

  “Don’t bother asking how I know. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen it in your eyes since she left you.”

  “Alright, Yoda. Care to enlighten me on any more shit you think you may know?” I snapped.

  Caiden chuckled and grabbed a hand towel, wiping the sweat from his face.

  My body tensed, his laughter pissing me off. “What the hell is your problem? You laughing at me now?”

  “I’m not laughing at you.”

  “Then what the fuck gives?” I asked, raising my voice.

  “Nothing.” He glared. “It’s fine.”

  “Like hell it is. I know something’s going on.”

  He snarled and pushed me up against the wall. “You don’t know shit.” He stared me down, his cold dark eyes daring me to challenge him.

  I pushed out of his grip and shoved him back. “I know you’ve been acting weird.”

  Caiden’s nostrils flared, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. Suddenly, his hand was wrapped around my throat, tilting my head back. “You think you know,” he growled in my ear. “You think you know how I feel. What I want. Who I want.”

  “I…I…”

  His grip on my throat tightened, his mouth mere inches from mine. “You’re a selfish bastard.”

  My eyes widened. Never in our whole friendship had Caiden treated me this way. He was so close, I could see the purple hue of his dark eyes. His skin was smooth, aside from the bumpy ridges of his scars.

  “You can’t even see what’s right in front of you.” His voice was low, deep and eerily calm as he continued to hold me up against the wall.

  I couldn’t help but stare. I probably would have been able to fight him off of me but something warned me not to. He gave off an air of uncontrollable rage, his lean but strong body shaking. Other than that, he was calm, cool and collected. The scent of mint mixing with salty sweat wafted into my nose, my blood heating and roaring through my body.

  “Caiden.” Hope came up beside us. “Let him go.”

  Caiden leaned down to my ear, the scruff of his jaw scratching against my cheek. “If only you knew.” He released me and walked away but not before whispering something to Hope.

  She nodded, patted his arm and kept her gaze locked with mine.

  At that point, something inside of me snapped. I was like an elastic band being pulled so tight, eventually doing the only thing I could. I broke.

  Hope

  WHORE. SLUT. Tramp.

  All the words I feared Xander would call me when he found out the real reason why I left him. As the name calling flowed from his lips, I could tell he no longer had control. His lips were flapping, going ape shit as he laid into Caiden and me.

  Xander gripped his head, beating his fists against his temples. He was losing it. Shattering before us and I had no idea how to fix it.

  We stared at him wide eyed, his words no longer making sense.

  “Stop!” Xander suddenly shouted, startling all of us. He fell to his knees, gripping his head. “Make them stop,” he pleaded, rocking back and forth, when I knelt in front of him.

  Wrapping my arms around him, I allowed the warmth to travel into me, heating my skin. It eased the racing of my own heart but Xander’s mumbled words about demons and voices scared the hell out of me. They became louder and louder and I had no idea how to silence them. I couldn’t make them out but I felt them poking at me. Jabbing me with the sharp edges of their words.

  “Xander,” I whispered.

  “I…I can’t,” he choked on a sob.

  Caressing his nape, I rubbed his back in smooth circles.

  “Let it out, Xander,” Caiden said gently, wrapping his arm around Xander’s shoulders.

  “We’re here, baby
,” I said, soothingly.

  Xander stiffened beneath me but didn’t move.

  “When was the last time?” I asked Caiden softly. I knew Xander had fallen into the pits of the drugs that he allowed to control him but I wasn’t sure if now, he was going through withdrawal.

  “Yesterday. Fell asleep with a joint in his hand,” Caiden said, rubbing Xander’s back. “Almost burnt down our apartment.”

  “Oh, Xander.” My heart broke in two, aching for the trembling man in my arms.

  “Give up, big guy,” Caiden coaxed. “Once you submit, you can regain control.”

  Xander shook his head. “No,” he croaked out. “I can’t.” Tears welled in his eyes. “Please. Don’t make me.”

  “Xander,” my voice cracked. “I’m so sorry.”

  Shaking his head back and forth, he tugged and pulled at his shirt. “No!” He met my wide eyed stare. “If you were sorry, you never would have left me.”

  My mouth opened and closed before snapping shut.

  “Xander, let us help you.” Caiden cupped his jaw. “Let us in.”

  “How?” His voice was hoarse.

  “By forgiving.” Caiden released him and rose to his feet. “He needs a bath. It’ll help make him feel better. I’ll be in the basement if you need me.” And with that, he left us alone, the sound of the basement door closing a moment later.

  I nodded and took a deep breath. It wouldn’t heal but it would help us become closer. “Come with me,” I told Xander, my voice firm.

  “Why would—”

  “Come, with me,” I repeated. “Now.” I rose to my feet and held out my hand.

  “And if I don’t?” he ground out, his body still vibrating from his panic attack. If that’s what you even wanted to call it. He was losing it. And I had no idea how to help him control it.

  I winked. “As much as I like seeing a man on his knees, you need a bath.”

  He blinked slowly, his jaw dropping. “Since when do you talk like that?” he asked, slipping his hand in mine.

  “Since always, but you never noticed.” I helped him to his feet and slid my fingers between his.

  “You never once talked to me like that. You were closed off. Shy,” he said, allowing me to lead him to the spare room he was staying in.

  “Xander, you had no patience.” I stopped at the door. “I knew what I wanted and I told you constantly but you never listened.” I hated to remind him of how he was back when we were teenagers, especially after his panic attack, but he needed to know sooner than later.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

  I pushed open the door and headed in the direction of the bathroom. “Follow me.”

  He frowned. “You act like you’ve been here before,” he said, half-joking.

  My back stiffened. “That’s because I have.”

  Well that stopped him in his tracks. “Hope.”

  “Whatever you are thinking,” I turned to him. “Don’t even say it.”

  “I wasn’t thinking anything,” he mumbled, following me into the room.

  “Seriously?” I turned on the light and shut the door. “I don’t know if you recall what you said to us not even ten minutes ago during your little panic attack but you accused me of fucking your best friend.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a heavy breath. “I didn’t.”

  “Yes. You did.” Walking over to the large white claw bathtub, I turned on the water. “Strip.”

  “Excuse me?”

  I pointed at him. “You can’t bathe in clothes. Strip.”

  “If you want me to fuck you, all you have to do is ask,” he said, taking a step towards me.

  I held up a hand, stopping him and rolled my eyes. “You may have had the upper hand during our little moment outside but this,” I waved my hand between us. “Is not about sex. Now take off your clothes.”

  He pulled off his shirt, keeping his gaze locked with mine. He was ripped in the most delicious way possible. He had grown since I saw him last. Thick around the edges and smooth in the curves of his muscles. My tongue tingled, aching to lick every inch of the man standing before me.

  I could feel the burn in my cheeks but kept my face passive, not needing to inflate his ego any more than it already was.

  Xander pulled down his pants, giving into the moment of defeat.

  I was surprised he didn’t argue. Giving up so quickly was not a norm for him but the dark bags under his eyes suggested he was exhausted. I prayed this little experiment would work. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on his skin and my fingers digging into the knots of his tight muscles.

  “Get in the tub,” I said, my voice strong and firm when I was a racing pile of nerves on the inside.

  “I can wash myself.” He stepped into the scalding hot water, a hiss escaping his lips as he sank down into the tub.

  “I know you can wash yourself but I am washing you.” I knelt behind him and grabbed a cloth before dipping it into the water. “Lean back.”

  “Hope, I—”

  “Damn it, Xander. Let me do this for you. Please. For once in your life, loosen that control.” My chest rose and fell, my face red hot.

  He huffed and turned around, crossing his arms under his chest.

  “Don’t pout. It’s not sexy.”

  The corners of his lips tugged.

  “Oh my gosh. What is that? Is Xander Brant smiling?” I teased. “Careful, your face might crack.”

  He laughed and rubbed the scruff of his jaw.

  “And a laugh too! I don’t know if the world can handle this,” I cried, feigning shock.

  “Shut up,” he mumbled, fighting back a grin.

  I giggled, running the cloth over his shoulder.

  “What made you come back?” he asked, letting his body relax against the side of the tub.

  Thankful for the distraction, I fought back the raging thoughts of jumping into the tub with him. “I’ve always been back,” I said softly. “You just haven’t seen me.”

  He grunted.

  “What’s going on with you, Xander? You are not the boy I once knew.” I glided the cloth across his collar bone to his other shoulder, trying to wash away the pain. So much pain.

  His skin became pink from the heat, other parts of him aware of my touch. My gaze landed on the area between his legs. His length jutted forth, pulsing in the water. I cleared my throat.

  Xander placed his hands between his legs, shielding himself. “You aren’t the girl I once knew either.”

  “What happened to us?” I asked, running the cloth over his deliriously hard abs. Up. Down. Left. Right. His skin, although shielded by the small square, was enough to make my panties melt.

  “You left,” he said, leaning his head against the lip of the tub.

  I inhaled sharply. “I told you—”

  “No. You see, that’s the problem, Hope. You didn’t tell me anything. You came over to my apartment, fucked me and then said you were moving. That’s it. How did you expect me to react?” He sat up. “Would you have preferred I didn’t react at all? Would you have preferred I shrugged it off? Not caring that my girlfriend of over a year was leaving me and not giving a damn?”

  My stomach twisted, tightening into a ball of agony inside of my gut. “I did care, Xander, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t want you to hate me but I also didn’t want you stewing over me. I was trying to make it so you could move on and not hurt.” I reached for him, pulling him back against the edge of the tub and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. “I’m sorry,” I whispered against his neck. “It was stupid of me to think if I showed no emotion, it would hurt you less.” I leaned over him, my eyes filling with unshed tears. “I am sorry,” I said, brushing the back of my hand down his cheek before cupping his jaw. “I am. I didn’t want you to hate me but I’d rather that than for you to lose yourself because of me.”

  “I did lose a part of myself,” he whispered, tilting his head. Licking
his bottom lip, he watched me.

  My nostrils flared, my breath catching at the small movement. Screw it.

  He opened his mouth to say something when my lips covered his in a hard demanding kiss. Not even hesitating, I pushed my way into his mouth. It was hot, desperate, as our tongues meshed and danced as one. I inhaled the sweet scent of his breath, taking it down into my lungs.

  My grip on his jaw tightened, the kiss deepening.

  Under any other circumstances, I would have jumped into the tub and allow him to have his way with me. But the kiss, this kiss was perfect. It was enough. For now. His lips were soft, moving against my own.

  My chest rose and fell with ragged breath, my body tightening and quivering like never before. Desire and pent up passion erupted around us, enveloping us in a blanket of pleasure.

  I released him, his eyes sparkling with lust. “I’m sorry. I—”

  In a quick move, he turned around completely and cupped my cheeks.

  My eyes widened.

  A slow grin spread on his face before he captured my mouth in a kiss of undying want. He swallowed my moan, wrapping his hand around my nape and poured everything into that kiss.

  My arms circled around his neck, leaning into him as our kiss became frantic. “Xander,” I breathed against his lips.

  “Shh.” He deepened the kiss, silencing me.

  Thankful for the interruption, I didn’t want any words passing between us. I didn’t want to talk about how wrong this was. How much I needed him at that moment.

  His hands grazed down my back before cupping my ass. God, I missed him. I had forgotten how perfect his hands felt on my body.

  Messaging and kneading, he dug his fingers into my flesh. Suddenly, he pulled me into the tub.

  I gasped into his mouth.