From Within

by J. M. Walker

  He chuckled, which came out husky and filled with desire. Water sloshed over the side of the tub, my moans and purrs erupting around us.

  I leaned back. His eyes were dark and stormy, billowing with a lust so strong, it took my breath. I glanced down, warmth spreading over my skin.

  He followed my gaze. His cock stood at attention, throbbing and full, ready for my touch.

  Licking my lips, I lowered my hand into the water when he stopped me. “Let me please you,” I said, frowning.

  “No. Not until I can have you completely.” He brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed my knuckles.

  “Xander.” I rose to my knees, straddling his lap and pulled my shirt up and over my head.

  His dick twitched at the sight before him, begging, pleading for him to bend me over and do what he did best. What he had wanted after all of these years.

  My full breasts rose and fell, hidden by a white lace bra. My pink nipples hardened to sharp peaks, hinting for him to suck and bite them.

  Xander ran a finger down the middle of my chest before cupping my breast. Pulling the cup down, he latched onto my nipple.

  I jumped at the hard rough tug, throwing my head back and arched into his touch.

  Hesitation shone in his eyes although his actions kept bringing me over the edge. His hands gripped the cup of the bra now covering my one breast and ripped it clean off my body. With a growl, he covered the other nub, biting into it like he couldn’t get enough.

  I whimpered. Reaching between us, I tried touching him but he only pulled back. Frustrated, I pushed him. “Let me touch you. Please,” I pleaded.

  Xander growled and crashed his lips to mine. His tongue invaded my mouth, dancing and sliding over mine. The kiss was hard, bordering on possessive while his hands roamed down the length of my body. Gripping my soaked jeans and panties, he pulled them down to my knees.

  “Xander,” I said against his mouth.

  “Shut up,” he snarled. Leaning back, he cupped my naked ass. His hand slid into my hair, gripping it tight and held me restrained against the side of the tub.

  I stared up at him wide eyed.

  His finger trailed down the length of my torso, reaching my mound. A wicked glint flashed in his eyes when he pushed a finger into my trembling body. “Is this what you wanted?”

  A hard moan escaped me while he thrust into me slow and deep.

  His palm rubbed against my throbbing clit while his finger pumped into me.

  Reaching out for him, I pulled him down to my mouth.

  But he didn’t kiss me. He rubbed his face into the crook of my neck, giving my body the pleasure I craved.

  No words passed between us as the onslaught of a release exploded through my being. I cried out, shaking against him, wishing I could have given him the same.

  Xander released me and wouldn’t meet my gaze. His jaw clenched. Bringing his fingers up to his mouth, he licked the juices from my body off of them.

  My core quivered at the sight but I ignored it, needing him back with me. “Hey.” I cupped his cheek. “Talk to me.”

  Leaning into my palm, he placed his hand over mine. “If we don’t stop, I won’t be held accountable for what I do to your delicious body.”

  “Seriously?” I raised an eyebrow, attempting again to reach between us. “You want to stop?”

  “No.” He grabbed my hand, pulling me away from him. “I never said that. I said we should stop. Not that I want to.”

  “Why? What’s the problem?” My free hand wrapped around the base of his dick. “Clearly you want me.”

  He hissed out a breath at the unexpected contact, his hips bucking.

  “I know you’ve thought about me all of these years.” I licked up the length of his jaw, my hand gripping him tight. “Did you jerk off to thoughts of me?”

  He growled, wrapping his hand around mine that had a firm hold on his dick. “Yes. Every single fucking time. Is that what you wanted to hear? You want to know how just now, I had to control myself from turning you around and fucking you stupid?”

  My brows narrowed. “Tell me how you’ve abused yourself. The alcohol. Drugs. Women. Is any of that as good as me?”

  “No!” he snapped. “None of it is as good as you.” Rising to his knees, he kept his hand wrapped around mine, squeezing his cock to the point it brought tears to his eyes.

  “Xander.” I gasped, trying to struggle out of his grip. I didn’t want to hurt him. Challenge him, yes. But hurt him? God, the abuse he was making me inflict on his body, it brought bile to my throat. But I couldn’t stop. He was too strong.

  His hold tightened as he forced me to give him pain. Goosebumps rose on his skin, his breath leaving him in short bursts of air.

  I could only stare at him as I helped push him over the edge of self-destruction.

  He crushed his mouth to mine. A snarl escaped him, rumbling from his chest. Our hands picked up speed when he came hard on a roar, my name leaving his lips. Our pace didn’t let up as he jumped over that edge a second time, coming hard into our joined hands. When he finally came down from the intensity of the release, he let me go.

  My eyes were filled with unshed tears, my cheeks hot. Suddenly, before I could even begin to comprehend what was happening, I slapped him.

  Xander

  “DON’T EVER make me do that again!” Hope cried, beating her tiny fists against my chest. “How could you? How could you make me hurt you like that?” A sob escaped her lips.

  Pulling her into my arms, I wrapped myself around her, holding her as she cried. What the hell was I thinking? Going into this, I never expected the outcome. I never expected to even hold her again let alone coming in her hand. I was an asshole. I didn’t know what had come over me but as soon as she had touched me, something inside of me snapped. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered into her hair. My flaccid cock throbbed with a slight twinge of pain, resting against her inner thigh.

  “Why would you make me do that?” she asked, pulling back.

  I wiped the tears from under her eyes. “I needed to feel something,” I said softly. I leaned my forehead against hers, running my hands down her arms. “I needed to be reminded that this hole in my chest can be filled.”

  “So you wanted me to hurt you? Are you wanting to fill it with pain?”

  I shrugged. “It was better than the emptiness inside of me.” Like I had felt for so long. Giving her the release I knew her body craved was one of the happiest moments I had in years. But it wasn’t enough. The next time, I would take her and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. If only she knew how little control I had over my actions. If she could handle me, great. If not, it would ruin what we ever had and it would leave no chance for a future.

  Fresh tears welled in her eyes before she rose to her feet. Stepping out of the bathtub, she grabbed a white terrycloth robe off the wall hook and wrapped it around herself. She turned away from me and with a little maneuvering, her wet pants finally fell to her feet with a wet thud. “Caiden told me you were different. He warned me,” her voice cracked. “But I had no idea you were so…”

  “What?” I asked, pulling myself from the tub and wrapped a towel around my waist.

  “Broken,” she said so quietly, I almost didn’t hear her.

  I walked by her and opened the door, being met with the scent of musk and leather.

  Caiden stood at the doorway, his hand in the air. “I was checking to make sure everything was okay.” He looked between us, frowning. “What happened?”

  I grunted and pushed past him, letting go of the towel. A breath caught behind me but I ignored it, not sure who it was in the first place. Not that I cared. At that moment, I needed a fucking drink.

  Soft voices scratched at my mind. Wishing they would shut the hell up, my pulse raced. “If you’re going to talk about me like I’m not even here, the least you can do is leave.”

  “Hope was telling me you forced her to hurt you.”

  I roughly pulled on sweatpants and spun on
them. “Why don’t you tell him you made me come as well? Does it make you feel better, telling him every single detail?” I demanded of Hope. “Did you tell him I fingered you? Why don’t we announce it to the whole fucking world!”

  “Shut the hell up,” she glared at me, her cheeks reddening. “Stop accusing me of shit. I don’t tell anyone anything. I told him I hurt you and I felt bad. That’s it.”

  “Don’t feel bad. I made you do it, remember?” I ground out but all I could think about was her tight body wrapped around my finger. God, she had felt so good. Trembling in my arms. Moaning through the release I allowed her. If only I could make love to her. Show her how much I had truly missed her. Would it be like before? Like when we were teenagers? No. Because I knew more now. I knew what would make her tick. What buttons to press. Which spots to kiss and lick and suck.

  “Hope, can you give us a moment?” Caiden asked. His voice was calm and although it was said as a question, we knew not to argue when he spoke in that tone.

  I sat on the edge of the bed, dropping my head in my hands.

  The sound of the door closing made my heart jump when the bed lowered beside me. “She still loves you,” Caiden muttered.

  “Yeah. And I keep fucking it up,” I bit out but she sure as hell wasn’t making it easy. She apologized for leaving me but did I ever apologize to her? No. Because I was an asshole. And I owned that title. Unwillingly.

  Caiden cupped my nape, brushing his thumb up and down the side of my neck. “She came back to you. You can’t expect everything to be back to normal right away.”

  “Was it ever normal?”

  His thumb stopped. “What do you mean?”

  “I…she said I never listened to her. I assumed she wasn’t upset when her parents forced her to move. She said she would rather I hate her than for me to lose myself because of her. But I already had.” I swallowed past the hard lump in my throat.

  “She was trying to remain strong for you.”

  I never thought of it that way. “God, I’m such a dick.”

  Several minutes passed without us saying anything. My heart had gone back to a normal rate. My muscles no longer tense and tight.

  “Why did you make her hurt you?” he asked, releasing me and moved up the bed. He leaned against the headboard and patted the empty spot beside him.

  “I don’t know. I…I couldn’t control the urge to have her hurt me,” I said, sitting beside him.

  “Why?”

  “How the hell am I supposed to know?” I stretched out my legs in front of me, rubbing my hands on my thighs. My palms tingled, my fingers itching with the need to touch Hope again. I don’t know what’s going on.

  “I wish I did.” Caiden scrubbed a hand down his face, his eyes taking on a faraway look.

  My head snapped around, not realizing I had spoken out loud.

  “You aren’t alone,” he said soothingly.

  My vision blurred and I swallowed repeatedly past the lump burning my throat.

  “Xander,” Caiden’s voice became firm. “You are not alone.”

  I winced and looked away.

  A strong hand cupped the back of my neck. “You’re not alone.”

  “What are you doing?” I demanded, trying to pull from his grip.

  “You’re not alone.”

  “Caiden, stop this shit.” Whatever he was doing, it wouldn’t work. Him and his guru Yoda shit could go to hell.

  “You’re not alone.” He pulled me into a hug, his arms wrapping around my shoulders.

  “Stop. Let me go,” my voice cracked. I pushed against him but he wouldn’t budge, his hold tightening.

  “You’re not alone,” he repeated.

  His words vibrated into my body, annoying the ever living shit out of me. What did he think he was going to accomplish by repeating himself over and over again? I wouldn’t give in. I couldn’t. He could kiss my white ass if he thought I would break.

  “Xander, you are not alone,” he said slowly.

  “Stop. Please, God, stop. I can’t take it.” A sob escaped me unexpectedly but I still continued to fight him off. I couldn’t deal. His words. Those three little words. Fuck me, they hurt. They hurt because they were true and I was too dumb to see it in the beginning. I shut everyone out. When my parents died, I wished I would have died with them. God, I missed them so much. So damn much.

  “You’re not alone,” he breathed against my neck.

  “Caiden, please. Help me. God.” Tears rolled down my cheeks, my body slumping against his, admitting the ultimate defeat. I submitted to his words. Gave in completely, letting the sorrow of being trapped inside of myself take over.

  “You are my best friend.” He pulled me against him, keeping his arms locked around my shoulders. “I love you, Xander. In ways you will never understand.”

  My body racked with sobs and I would have asked him what he meant but at that point, I no longer cared. Whichever way he loved me, however he loved me, it was still love. No one had told me that in so long, I let it soak in.

  When the cries diminished, my eyelids became heavy. Resting my head against his chest, I curled an arm around his waist, falling asleep to the soothing beat of his heart.

  ***

  I woke to a warm body resting against me. It was soft and firm in all the right places. Rolling over, I found Hope staring back at me. Her lips parted, her pink tongue licking along the curve of her mouth.

  “Hi,” she whispered.

  I swallowed hard. “Hi.”

  She cupped my cheek and kissed my forehead. “How are you doing?”

  Inhaling a shaky breath, I let it out in one long exhale before I replied. “I’m alright. Where’s Caiden?”

  “He had some errands to run. I came in about an hour ago to check up on you and he asked me to look after you.”

  My chest ached at the loss. After I broke down, I fell asleep in his arms but I remembered his soothing words. I dreamt of them, fading in and out as he continued talking to me. He loved me. Was he in love with me? Did it matter? Not to me. Love was love. He told me I wouldn’t understand his love for me. Whatever that meant.

  “What are you thinking about?” Hope asked, pulling her robe tighter around her.

  I glanced down at her. The robe opened at the top, revealing the swell of her breasts. Her tanned skin peeked out at me. My lips tingled, my tongue vibrating with the need to lick every inch of her.

  “Xander.”

  My gaze shot to hers at the husky use of my name. Clearing my throat, I rolled over onto my stomach.

  “Don’t shut me out,” she pleaded, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  “I’m not!” I pulled myself from the bed. Sitting on the edge, I dropped my head in my hands. The onset of another panic attack was rearing its ugly head. My heart raced. My chest constricted to the point my breath barely reached my lungs.

  “Breathe, Xander.” Hope wrapped her arms around my shoulders, whispering softly in my ear. “Breathe.”

  I can’t take this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want…I need a fucking drink. I need something. Anything.

  “Xander, please.” Hope’s voice cracked. She slid into my arms, straddling my waist and cupped my cheeks. Forcing me to look at her, she placed a soft kiss on my mouth.

  My racing heart eased, beating to a slow rhythm. I inhaled deep, breathing in the scent of her. Running my hands up her back, I deepened the kiss. I pushed my tongue between her lips, sliding it into her mouth.

  She jumped, a slight moan leaving her when our tongues came into contact. Her hands gripped my shoulders, digging into the flesh of my muscles as her hips began to undulate against me.

  A growl escaped me and the next thing I knew, I had her on the bed beneath me. I swallowed her gasp, pushing against her. The kiss turned rough, needy, while I circled my hips into the heat of her core.

  Hope released me, tilting her head back, panting. “Oh God. Xander.”

  I ripped open her robe, staring down at her naked f
lesh. Licking my lips, I took a nipple into my mouth, tugging and pulling until she was writhing beneath me. My teeth grazed over the hardened nub, biting down hard enough to make her yelp. I pulled the robe a part completely and grazed a hand down her middle. “You are so fucking beautiful and I’m going to have fun destroying every inch of you.” My voice. It didn’t sound like my voice as the rough vibrato rumbled from my chest. My mouth trailed along her skin, biting and sucking, nipping and licking a path in its wake.

  Her breathing quickened, her eyes dilating to the point of black. So dark. Her rosy cheeks reddened, the purrs and moans leaving her full mouth erupting around us.

  “What do you want?” I asked, making my way back up to her mouth.

  “You. God, I’ve never wanted you this bad.”

  A moment of hesitation fluttered through me but I held it back. Those words stung. She had me before. But wanted me more now? Either way, if she wanted me to fuck her, I would. And there would be no way in hell it would be making love. “You want me?” I purred, nipping the soft spot under her ear.

  She nodded. “Yes,” she breathed.

  I grabbed both of her wrists and held them in one hand above her head. Grabbing a condom out of the end table drawer, I ripped it open with my teeth.

  Hope watched me the whole time, her mouth parting, her breathing picking up with baited anticipation. The Xander Brant she once knew no longer existed. I would fuck those thoughts out of her if she was thinking she would get him again.

  I pulled my pants lower, sheathed myself and lined up to her hot entrance. “This is not making love.” With everything in me, I had to force myself not to thrust forward and wrap myself in her warmth. I wanted to tease her. I wanted her to beg more than she already had. I wanted her to submit, giving me her undoing.

  “I want you to fuck me,” she said huskily. “Not love me.”

  In one smooth thrust, I filled her. “Fuck.” Her snug core tightened around me, gripping me like a fist and if I didn’t take control, I would come within seconds.

  She cried out, squeezing her eyes shut.

  “I do love you, Hope,” I growled, pulling out of her. A hot shiver travelled down my spine.