Ruined by Shadows

by Lola StVil

  Ruined By Shadows (Kissed By Shadows, Book 5)

  Lola StVil

  Book 1: The Girl

  Book 2: The Fallout

  Book 3: The Turn

  Book 4: The Triplex

  Book 5, Part 1: The Quo

  Book 5, Part 2: The Lyris

  Book 6, Part 1: The Shoma

  Book 6, Part 2: The Nycren

  Book 1: Blue Rose

  Book 2: The Last Akon

  Book 3: Fall of the Chosen

  Book 4: When Angels Break

  Book 5: Ways of the Wicked

  Book 6: Rise of the Alago

  Book 7: Rage of Angels

  Copyright © 2018 by Lola StVil

  All rights reserved.

  Formatting by Dallas Hodge, Everything But The Book

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

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  The bounties which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague.

  Who shall say where one ends and the other begins?

  —Edgar Allen Poe

  I’ve been sitting here for hours, thinking about how I ended Talon’s life. I can still feel his throat beneath my hands, still feel the life leaving him.

  I spent the first six of the hours since then holed up in a bar downing shots of absinthe, hoping I could get drunk enough to forget. But even if I can do it, no one else will forget. It seems like there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make me stop thinking about it. Not so much what I’ve done—more the consequences of it. And those consequences are about due to start raining down on me.

  I know this world; people talk, and they talk fast. The news that I killed the Keysu, outwitting Arken yet again, will be spreading like uncontrollable wildfire. Even now, I feel like I can hear the whispers around me full of judgment and loathing.

  What’s worse is I know it will get back to the team pretty damn quickly. Sadie or Pest will be the first to find out, probably Sadie. And she’ll go to the loft to tell Atlas. Even if Sadie doesn’t hear that it was me, she’ll know. How could she not know? It doesn’t take a genius to work it out.

  And then Atlas will know. The love of my life, the girl who got me through the darkness and showed me that love is possible, even for a lowlife like me, she will know that I turned back to the darkness and killed again. She’ll know I betrayed her, breaking my promise not to be that guy anymore.

  It won’t matter that I did it for her. That will probably make it even worse because she’ll tell me that killing in her name makes her a part of it. And that’s the last thing I want for her. But it had to be done. I stand by that much. After what he did to her, he didn’t deserve a single breath more than he took.

  Deep down, I think she’ll know that, yet still, I don’t think she’ll forgive me. I wouldn’t expect her to. But I do hope she understands that I did it for her. Not just for revenge, although after what Talon did, taking Atlas to the Meat Market, that would be reason enough. No, it was more than that. I did it because I was afraid that if I didn’t, she would. Standing by and allowing that to happen would have been far darker than killing Talon myself.

  Even if Atlas doesn’t see that, which she won’t, not yet, because right now she’ll still believe she would never have gone through with it if given a chance, I’ll know. And I’ll know that this time, it was different. I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t relish torturing him. I didn’t feel excited at his pain, turned on by his fear. All I felt was need for my girl. And something else. Something that I think might be guilt.

  When I killed Talon, a part of me died with him. The part of me that grew up with him. The part that clung to the past like a comforter, wrapped around me like armor, using it to explain away every bad thing I ever did. I’m glad to have shed that part, but despite all of his faults, Talon was the only family I had for a long time, and I know I’ll miss him. But I don’t regret it. How can I regret doing the one thing that will truly set Atlas free?

  I want nothing more than to go to her now. Even having her scream and shout and judge me is better than not seeing her at all. I’d give anything to spend just one more minute with her so I can tell her I will always love her. But it’s a luxury I won’t take. Because to do so would be selfish. Sending me away would break her, and I won’t do that to her.

  Instead, I’ll leave. I’ll leave because I can’t make her do it, but also because as much as I hate to admit it, her team has grown on me. I think they might have become more than acquaintances or even friends; they might have been my new family. And I can’t bear the thought of them rejecting me. Not now. Not after they finally accepted me. And that’s what they’ll do because they’re all good people, and good people don’t kill people, not even if that person deserves it more than anything.

  I know I vowed to be there with her until this thing is over, to ensure that Arken never gets his hands on her heart, the final object in this game, but I just can’t do it. She has a good team around her. Pest will figure it out. And when he does, Saudia and Regal will have Atlas’s back. Even Perry and Langston will give their all to help her, although when it comes down to it, I would leave her life in Saudia’s hands above anyone’s. Yes, she’ll be fine with Saudia by her side. That’s what I tell myself because it’s the only way I can set her free.

  It will be easier for all of us if I just disappear. And there’s only one place a person can go if they truly want to disappear. And I’m standing at the gate right now.

  I reach out and push the gate open.

  “Goodbye, Atlas. I’ll never stop loving you,” I whisper into the still night.

  I step inside before I can change my mind. The gate slams shut behind me, and I know that the slamming gate has just cut all ties between Atlas and me because in here, there’s no escape.

  Even if I change my mind, I can never go back.

  And though she be but little; She is fierce

  —Shakespeare

  “Atlas?” Sadie says gently, knocking on my bedroom door.

  I groan and pull the blankets over my head. This is the last thing I need right now. Don’t get me wrong, Sadie really came through for us during our last mission, and as Kane pointed out to me more than once, she was willing to die to get me back home from the Meat Market. I appreciate all of that, I do, but I just can’t bring myself to forgive her for everything that came before that.

  I know it’s stupid. Kane managed to forgive her, for fuck’s sake, but I just… well, I just can’t. And right now, I really can’t face a lecture from her.

  We did well. We all know it, and we should be celebrating a win. We’re just one step away from beating Arken. But we’re not. Because there’s a huge elephant in the room, a dark cloud that hangs over our heads. We all know what the last object will be. Sadie told me before I even agreed to take on this quest.

  The last object will be my heart. When I agreed to it, I thought I had nothing to lose. But now I have Kane, and the thought of losing him makes me want to drop to my knees and scream up into the heavens about life not being fair. When the team agreed to it, I was just a name to them. They’d never met me. They didn’t know me as a real person. I was just a concept, a story. They probably told themselves we’d never grow close. That I would be some badass dictator-type leader who breezed in, dished out the orders, and saved the day.

  But I’m not. Even now I have the Seeker powers, I’m just human. I make mistakes. I fear things. I break. And the team has been there through it all, and somewhere along the way, we became family.

  So yeah. No one feels much like celebrating.<
br />
  And then there’s Kane. He slipped out during the attempt at a celebration party we had yesterday, and he hasn’t come back. I finally gave up and went to bed when sheer exhaustion grabbed me. I figured he’d had too much to drink and crashed at Pest’s place. But if that were the case, he’d be here by now.

  I’ve been awake for hours waiting for him to turn up or at least call, and nothing. I’m starting to worry, but I would rather keep hold of the bit of hope I have left and hide away underneath my comforter hoping for his return than go to the lounge and speak my concerns out loud to the others. If I do that and they all agree with me that something has happened to him, then my hope is gone. And as much as I want to contact Pest, I hold back, because if Pest tells me he hasn’t seen him, then I’ll have to face up to the fact that he’s gone.

  I think handing over my heart is just too much for him. He knows he won’t be able to talk me out of it, and I hoped he would accept my decision and stand by me, but I can’t pretend I don’t understand why he’s chosen to leave instead. I don’t know if I’d be strong enough to stay if it was the other way around. I fear if I did, I would tear my own heart out right alongside his.

  “Atlas,” Sadie says again, her knock on my door reaching deafening heights.

  She’s not going to assume I’m sleeping and leave then.

  “Just go away,” I shout.

  The door opens.

  “Atlas, get up, this is important. Where’s Kane?”

  Something in her tone tells me this isn’t her trying to get me to go back to the way things were between us when I thought of her as a surrogate mom. I jump out of bed. Sadie raises an eyebrow when she sees that I’m already dressed, but she doesn’t comment, and I don’t offer an explanation.

  “He’s not here. What’s going on, Sadie?” I demand.

  “Talon is dead,” Sadie says. “And if Kane isn’t here, that means only one thing.”

  I sit back down on the bed, hard. I put my face in my hands and scream my frustration into them.

  “Kane killed Talon?” I ask, already aware of the answer.

  Sadie sits down beside me.

  “I don’t know any more than you do right now, but if I had to bet on it, then yeah, Kane killed Talon. And now Arken has him.”

  “No,” I say. “If Arken were going to do anything other than try to pull Kane back onto his side, he’d have done it already. And no matter what happens, Kane wouldn’t go back to Arken’s team. We both know that.”

  “Then where the hell is he?” Sadie says quietly.

  “He’s off somewhere licking his wounds. He won’t come back here unless we find him and make him come back. He’ll think I’ll reject him, say he’s gone back to the dark side and I can’t be with him now.”

  “Is that what you think?”

  “Like hell it is. After what Talon did to me, I was ready to go and kill him myself. I was planning to, in fact. Today. Kane did it so I didn’t have to. I’m sure as hell not turning my back on him, and if any of the team doesn’t like it, then they know exactly where the fucking door is,” I shout.

  I stand up and march from the room, Sadie hurrying behind me. I slam into the lounge, where the team sits around watching TV. I switch the TV off.

  “Hey, we were just getting to the good stuff,” Perry complains. “If you’re going to switch it off, then I hope you’re planning on doing a song and a dance for us instead.”

  “Save it, Perry. I’m not in the mood,” I snap.

  He opens his mouth to no doubt make another wisecrack, but he sees the fierce set of my lips and fire in my eyes and thinks better of it.

  “Talon is dead,” I announce. “Kane is missing. Do the math.”

  “Kane killed Talon, and now he’s staying away so we can’t judge him for it,” Regal says.

  I nod.

  “My thoughts exactly. I’m going to find him; I’m going to tell him he did the right thing, because he did. And I’m going to bring him back here to the team, where he belongs. Either you are with me or against me. There’s no playing devil’s advocate here, or being in both camps.

  “What Talon did to me was beyond barbaric, and if Kane hadn’t killed Talon, I would have done it myself, so if you judge him as too far gone to ever be good, then you’re judging me the same. Choose a side. All of you.”

  Saudia gets up without a second’s hesitation and comes to my side.

  “Atlas, if Kane hadn’t killed Talon, you would have had some fierce competition about which one of us got to do it,” she says. “I’m in.”

  “Atlas, calm down,” Regal says.

  Wrong thing to say.

  “Calm down? Are you fucking kidding me? Kane is missing. When it was me, he and all of you were out searching for me within hours. I know he’s gone off of his own accord, but it’s not because he doesn’t want to be here, it’s because he no longer thinks he’ll be welcome here.”

  And the longer it takes, the more likely he is to get so angry he fucks up, I think but don’t say.

  “All I was going to say is that you don’t have to persuade us, Atlas. We’ve got your back. And we’ve got Kane’s back too. He’s one of us now. I thought you knew that. What he did isn’t going back to the darkness within him. If anything, it’s the most heroic thing he’s done since he joined us. Talon did it to pull him back to the dark side, but Kane rose above it. The dark act would have been to let Talon breathe the same fucking air as you after what he did. Kane killed the only family he ever knew...” Regal says.

  I look down at the ground and then force myself to meet his gaze.

  “I’m sorry, Regal. I guess I’m a little defensive.”

  “It’s understandable,” Langston says. “We didn’t exactly welcome him with open arms, did we? I’ll be the first one to admit that in the beginning, I was just waiting for him to fuck up so we could all say I told you so, send him back where he belonged, and get on with the mission. But he didn’t fuck up. Instead, he showed us he’d changed, and somewhere along the way, he wriggled his way into our hearts. He’s family, Atlas. He’s saved my life more than I care to admit. And if one of you find him before I do, you can tell him from me that I’m going to kick his ass myself as I’m personally offended that he would think so little of us as to assume we wouldn’t think he’s done the right thing here.”

  I’m embarrassed to feel tears come to my eyes. I blink a few times and clear my throat before I speak again.

  “Perry?” I say. “What about you? I know you and Kane have never really seen eye to eye on, well, anything.”

  Perry shakes his head.

  “That’s because the guy has literally no sense of humor.”

  “He doesn’t laugh at your jokes because they’re not funny, Perry,” Saudia points out.

  “Really? Because I seem to remember you laughing more than once at them.”

  “What can I say? I’m nicer than Kane. I humor you.”

  “Bullshit. You love my jokes,” Perry says.

  “Guys, enough,” Langston says. “Perry, Atlas asked you a question. Are you in or not?”

  “Obviously, I’m in. I said Kane had no sense of humor, not no sense of loyalty. We stand by our own, we always have, and he’s one of us now. Out of interest, what would you say if I’d said no?”

  He directs his last question to Langston.

  “Umm, goodbye?” She laughs.

  It’s a joke, but at the same time, it isn’t, and I can see her comment stings Perry.

  “That’s my girl. Always got my back.” Perry laughs, trying to cover for the moment of uncertainty he showed.

  “What’s the big deal? I knew you were in,” Langston says.

  “Atlas, you know Kane better than anyone. Where would he go?” Saudia asks me.

  I sit down, and she sits beside me. I shrug helplessly.

  “The thing is, he wouldn’t go to any of the places we’ve shared, because he knows that’s the first place I’d look. He knows I’ll look for him, only he thi
nks it’ll be to get in his head about what he’s done.”

  I think for a moment.

  “Sadie, call Pest. Ask him for a list of the bars Kane goes to when he’s done something he doesn’t want to face.”

  “On it.” Sadie nods.

  She disappears into the kitchen, and I hear her start to talk. I can’t make out the words, but I’d be surprised if Pest didn’t already know what’s happened and was just waiting for one of us to call.

  “I’m sorry, guys,” I say.

  “For what?” Regal asks.

  “That appalling T-shirt?” Perry asks. “Because it does kind of warrant an apology. I mean, I was already thinking it, but I didn’t like to say, but now you’ve brought it up… well, it’s fair game, isn’t it?”

  I give him a look, and he grins.

  “Seriously,” I say. “I’m sorry for the way I came bursting in here shouting at you. I should have taken a moment to think about it and know you would all have my back in this.”

  “Not just your back, Atlas. Kane’s as well. But there’s no need to apologize. I know if it were any one of us, you’d have come in here the same way and given the exact same speech,” Saudia says.

  I nod.

  “Thanks, Saudia. And yeah, I would have,” I say.

  Everyone seems more uncomfortable after my apology than they did before it. I just want Kane found and this thing over so we can go back to being normal. Or as normal as you can be when the fate of the whole world lies on your shoulders. For now, I’ll have to settle for at least comfortable around me. That would be a good start.

  “What’s wrong with my T-shirt?” I ask Perry.

  “Nothing at all, Atlas.” He laughs.

  Sadie comes back in.

  “Okay, I’ve got the list.”

  She hands it to me. There are twelve bars and six of us. It’s the first thing that’s ever seemed to have worked out in our favor.