Ruined by Shadows

by Lola StVil

  He glances at Carla as he says it and she smiles at him, a smile so filled with love it’s uncomfortable to look at, and I clear my throat and look away. I can’t help but notice how, as much as Regal condemned this move, he called it the most reprehensible thing we’ve ever done. We. Not just me.

  “I don’t like it,” Langston says. “Me being involved in this team already got one innocent person killed, but I owe Kane, so I’ll go along with it.”

  She won’t look at me, and I know she’s thinking about Drew, a guy she was seeing who ended up dead because of one of the missions the team went on before I joined them. Actually, he ended up dead because of me, but the coma he was locked into came before I did.

  “I don’t get it,” Saudia says. “You have the location of the Land of Lost Souls anyway, right?”

  I nod.

  “So why hand him over at all? Why not just let him go now we’ve got what we want?”

  “Because Marianna has a deal with the guards at the Land of Lost Souls. They’ll inform her if he doesn’t show up and I don’t personally deliver him. And Marianna took a lock of Perry’s hair, and she’ll kill him if she doesn’t get a report within twenty-four hours telling her Marty was delivered.”

  “Damn,” Saudia says. “Atlas, do you have any idea what you’re about to do?”

  “She also said that this would have all been for nothing because she would hunt Kane down and lock him in a cage as well for double-crossing her.”

  I hear a collective gasp around the room.

  I open my mouth to protest and tell her I know exactly what I’m doing, but she shakes her head and goes on.

  “No. You’re going to hear this. Do you know I still have nightmares about killing Tracey? She utterly deserved it, and I still haven’t forgiven myself for it. It will haunt you, Atlas. It will eat away at you. And that shit changes you. And don’t even get me started on Kane. How do you think he’ll feel when he finds out what you’ve done to save him? He already had some ridiculous idea that he could somehow taint you or whatever. Don’t you think this will hurt him?”

  “I don’t fucking care, Saudia, alright? I’m not doing it for him. I’m doing it for me. Because I need him, alright? I’m about to sacrifice everything to save the damn world. At the end of this, I literally have to hand my heart over to Arken. Don’t you think I deserve to be selfish just once?”

  I am breathing fast when I stop yelling. I expect Saudia to bite my head off, but instead, she nods.

  “Fine. Then I’m with you. But I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t let you know there will be consequences to this.”

  “I know,” I say, calmer now. “I know this will haunt me. But it will haunt me more to leave Kane in that place.”

  “I vote we let Marty go and let Marianna do whatever she wants to Perry,” Langston says. “Problem solved.”

  “Hey,” Perry says, a hurt look on his face.

  “Yeah, it doesn’t feel good when someone who is supposed to love you chooses someone else’s life over yours, does it?” she snaps.

  “Langston,” I say softly. “Just remember, it’s Kane’s life as well.”

  He just looks away. I hurry on, wanting to get this dealt with before they start to argue again.

  “I have a question,” Carla pipes up.

  I swallow hard and prompt her to go on.

  “Why didn’t the witch lock you in a cage? I mean, not that I wanted her to, but wouldn’t that serve her purpose?”

  “No. She said she might be powerful. If she kills me or prevents me from completing the mission, then Arken wins, and all hell breaks loose. The world literally comes to a fiery end, and being immortal, that wouldn’t serve her too well even as powerful as she is.”

  I answer confidently for the first time. Carla thinks it over and chooses her next words carefully.

  “Did she—”

  “Yes. She basically said my life is worth more than my team’s, and I fucking disagree. Without you guys, I would have never made it this far. And I would never trade any of your lives for my own.”

  I meet everyone’s eyes and see relief and satisfaction. I move on and give them one last chance to turn and run.

  “I’ve asked you all this question before, but I’m going to ask you again now that the stakes are a whole lot higher. Are you all still in?”

  Before any of them can respond, Sadie jumps in.

  “Atlas, you can’t do this,” she says.

  “Yes; I can, and I am,” I reply.

  She shakes her head.

  “No. It’s not you. It’s… it’s barbaric. How can you stand there so calmly and discuss a man’s fate this way? A couple of months ago, you’d have been horrified at such a suggestion. You wouldn’t have even considered it as an option. And now look at you. You’re almost relishing it.”

  I turn toward her, struggling to hold my anger in.

  “First, I’m not relishing anything. The thought of what I’m about to do sickens me to my very core. But the fact is, there is no other way. Or if there is, we don’t know what it is, and I’m not willing to lose any more time on this, because every moment we debate this, or look for another way, or argue about it is another moment Kane is gone, locked in a world of pain, torment, and desolation. I just can’t cope with that. So judge me if you want to—hell, I’m judging myself more harshly than you ever could—but don’t sit there and accuse me of enjoying this or not caring.”

  I sit back down, burnt out after my emotional outburst. I didn’t notice Pest and coming into the lounge, but I see them now. It’s obvious where they came from: one of the spare bedrooms. Pest is flushed and flustered looking while Rachel looks radiant if a little messy.

  Great. I’m off making deals with human lives while Pest and Rachel are hooking up. It feels more than a little unfair.

  “Give her a break, Sadie,” Pest says. “She loves Kane.”

  He looks at Rachel with a lovesick smile. “And sometimes, being in love makes you do things you would never have considered before.”

  Rachel smiles shyly at him and then she moves to sit down beside Carla, and Pest’s face falls until she pats the seat next to her. Pest sits down, the grin back on his face. I should be mad. He shouldn’t be acting like a lovesick puppy while Kane is in perpetual torture, but deep down, I’m happy for him. He deserves a moment of happiness, and if he can find something light in our darkness, then he should grab it and never let go. Even if it does mean he’s getting laid and I’m not.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Pest! You’ve known this a girl for like five minutes. And now that you’ve had sex with her, you think you know about love and sacrifice. You don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t think you should be letting Atlas think this is okay,” Sadie replies.

  “You were always the one that said when you love someone enough, you’ll do whatever it takes to save them, Sadie. Even if it’s something unimaginable. Even if it’s something so far from what you want to do that it breaks you into a thousand tiny pieces,” Pest says calmly.

  Perry snorts, and everyone looks at him.

  “Sorry. I’m just wondering what the hell Rachel did to him. He wouldn’t have said a thing against Sadie, and now he’s grown a pair.”

  Pest glares at him.

  “Ah, what can I say? Just call me the man maker,” Rachel says. “But from what I’ve heard, you wouldn’t know anything about that.”

  She looks pointedly at his crotch as she says it.

  “Hey,” Perry says. “Not fair.”

  Rachel winks at him. “I never said it was.”

  “Can we get back to the issue at hand here, please?” Sadie snaps. “Yes, Pest, I did say that you sacrifice things for the person you love. And I meant it, but I think murder is a step too far, don’t you? And make no mistake, Atlas; if you hand this man over to the guards, you’re condemning him to a long, slow, painful death. Are you sure you want that on your conscience?”

  “Of course I don’t, but I’
ve made my peace with it. Because unlike you, I don’t abandon the people I love,” I say. “You might be willing to leave Kane to fend for himself, but I’m not.”

  “Atlas, we’ve been over this. I had no choice—”

  I interrupt her before she can explain why she abandoned Kane as a baby. I’ve heard it all before, and I don’t need to hear it again.

  “I’m not talking about then, Sadie. I’m talking about now. You speak of this being wrong, but isn’t it even more wrong to leave Kane to rot when we could get him out of there? Isn’t it wrong to make the easy choice, the one that means we don’t have to hand Marty over when the hard choice means we save Kane? Are you really going to sit there and look me in the eye and tell me you value a stranger’s life over Kane’s life?”

  “Fine. I’ll support you in this, Atlas, but you need to know that doing something like this, for whatever reason, will stay with you. It will eat at you, and it will hurt you to know what you’ve done.”

  “I know. And I know it’s a pain that will never fully go away. And I’ll hold onto that pain, and I won’t forget, and that’s okay because I’ll know every time I feel it that I did this for Kane and I carry this pain for him. Just like he carries the pain of killing Talon for me. I know this is different; Talon was far from innocent, but he was like a brother to Kane, and what he did must have hurt. So we’ll bear the pain together and use it to strengthen our love for one another.”

  “How the hell did Kane find someone like you, and I’m still single?” Saudia sighs.

  “Maybe because Kane doesn’t snore like a pig,” Perry suggests.

  “Fuck off.” Saudia laughs.

  She turns to me.

  “And in answer to your question, I’m still in. I’m getting sick of having to keep telling you that, so I will say it clearly and you won’t have to ask me again. I’m in this until the end. You and Kane are family, and I’ll do whatever it takes, even if it’s not pretty.”

  The others nod and agree.

  “I’m in too,” Rachel says. “What do you say, Regal? Think you can handle two Valkyries around you at once?”

  “Oh, I think I’ve got this.” Regal laughs.

  “Hey, back off my lady,” Pest jokes, wrapping his arm around Rachel.

  Regal laughs again. “When you both gang up on me, I’ll just go and hide behind Perry.”

  “Because he knows from experience I can handle several Valkyries at once,” Perry snorts.

  Carla glares at him, and Langston rolls her eyes.

  “Oh come on. It can’t still be too soon,” Perry says.

  “Yeah, Carla, give the guy a break. You’re a lot to handle. Who could blame him for needing a break from you?” Rachel laughs.

  Carla can’t keep her face straight any longer. “Fine, I get it. It’s pick on Carla time.”

  “Well, now I know you’re not about to turn me to stone or something, it is.” Perry laughs.

  “Oh, that’s not completely off the table,” Carla smirks.

  “Where is it?” Pest asks suddenly.

  His voice is serious, and the laughter stops as everyone turns to look at him. He blushes slightly.

  “Where’s what?” I ask.

  “The Land of Lost Souls. You said you had the location.”

  “Oh. I don’t know yet,” I say.

  I show him the white box and explain how it works.

  “So we need to take our glamour and get ready to leave,” I say.

  “We should wait until the morning,” Sadie says.

  “What? No. Why would we wait even longer?” I ask. “So you have extra time to try and change my mind? That’s not going to happen.”

  “Sadie’s right,” Perry says. “It’s late, Atlas, and it’s been a hell of a day. We have twenty-four hours to deliver Marty, and I say we get a good night’s sleep and do this tomorrow when we’re alert. The Land of Lost Souls doesn’t sound like the sort of place we should be going to unprepared and half asleep. I know that means leaving Kane another night, but he’s strong, Atlas. He can deal with one more night.”

  I think about what he’s saying, and although every instinct in me is screaming not to wait, I know he’s right.

  “Okay,” I concede. “Everyone, go and get some rest. We’ll meet back here at 8 a.m. sharp, take the glamor, and leave immediately. Sadie, Pest, Rachel, you’re welcome to stay in the spare rooms.”

  Carla looks at me with a slight frown.

  “And I’m not?”

  I grin. “Well sure, but I figured you’d prefer to stay in Regal’s room, and it’s not really my place to invite you to do that.”

  “Fair enough.” She laughs.

  “You’re officially invited,” Regal tells her.

  “Perry, can you do me a favor and take Marty to one of the spare rooms, and show him where he’ll find the bathroom and everything?” I ask.

  Perry nods. “Sure.”

  He gets up. He stands in front of Marty and crouches down slightly, patting his legs.

  “Here, boy,” he says like he’s calling a dog.

  “Perry!” I exclaim. “Fucking hell, is that necessary?”

  “I’m just trying to lighten the mood.” Perry sighs.

  “And people say I’m inappropriate,” Rachel says. “At least offer him a biscuit or something, Perry, jeez.”

  “That’s enough,” I snap.

  I know it’s a major double standard. I’ll hand the guy over to who knows what fate, but I won’t let the team have a bit of fun? But surely it’s enough that we’re doing that to him without humiliating him first.

  “Please, Perry, just act like a decent human being around him, alright?”

  He turns to face me.

  “I’m sorry, Atlas. That was pretty harsh. I just figured if I dehumanized him a little, it might make this easier for you,” he says.

  “Well, it won’t,” I say.

  Nothing will make this easy. Especially the way Marty’s accusing eyes burn into me every time I glance in his direction.

  “Come on, Marty, let me show you around. Langston, care to join us?” He gives her a small smile, holding his hand out.

  Marty doesn’t move, and I realize I have to give him the order.

  “Marty, go with Perry. Do what he says. You are free to move around the loft as you wish, but you may not leave, and you may not hurt anyone.”

  “Not even Perry?” Carla asks.

  “Not even Perry,” I confirm. “I’ll be the one to do that.”

  I hope my joke lets Perry know I appreciated his effort; I just hated the way he did it.

  Marty gets to his feet instantly and follows Perry like a robot, and I don’t think I’m the only one who shudders slightly as the sight of a condemned man reduced to following the commands of his soon-to-be executioner. I hate this so much. Langston follows a few steps behind them. She’s not ready to forgive Perry, but maybe she will keep him in line with Marty.

  “Atlas? Can I talk to you? Alone,” Sadie says before I can dwell on it too much.

  Talking to Sadie is the last thing I want to do, but I feel myself nodding. I get up and follow her to the kitchen. My limbs all feel heavy and useless, and I realize how tired I am. Pest was right about getting a fresh start in the morning. I wouldn’t be any use to anyone like this.

  “If you’re going to try and talk me out of this, Sadie, you’re wasting your time,” I say.

  “I’m not. I just want to make sure you know exactly what you’re letting yourself do, Atlas. When someone willingly enters the Land of Lost Souls, they spend their time lost and alone, trapped in an empty world, left to wander and stew in their own desolation. They might cross paths with others, but it’s like they don’t see or hear them. But worse, when a person is handed over against their will, they are subjected to brutal torture until they succumb to hopelessness and can join the ranks.”

  “Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to make me feel worse about this than I already do? You can’t. I already f
eel beyond disgusted at myself, but I’m doing what I have to do.”

  “I’m just preparing you for what will happen, Atlas, and trying to explain that you need to be ready for it. And when it happens, you need to know that you did the right thing and it’s not your fault.”

  I finally drop my guard a little at her comforting words.

  “It’s not?” I ask.

  “Not at all. I want you to remember that when it matters the most, okay? Once it’s done, it’s done. And it’s being done so you and Kane can be together; you have to push all other feelings aside because if you don’t, not even a glamor will bring you home.”

  It’s five to eight, and we are all gathered in the lab. The team, our guests, and Marty, who is neither really. An unwilling guest? No, I should call this as it is. He’s a human sacrifice.

  Sadie has all of the glamors to hand out, each one labeled with one of our names. She hands them out, and we all drink them. I expect the mixture to taste bitter, but it’s actually sweet, and I find that I quite like it.

  “Atlas, do you have the Pearl potion?” Sadie checks.

  I pat my pocket and nod.

  “And Regal, you have the healing salve I gave you?”

  Regal nods.

  “Okay. Then, Atlas, it’s time to find the location.”

  I nod, suddenly nervous. I have a horrible vision of the box not doing anything, of this all being a bit of fun for Marianna just to see how far I would go. If this is all for nothing, then I’ve just shown the whole team I will trade one life for another, one soul for another. And if it’s for nothing, then I still plan on doing that, only this time, I’ll find a way to get to Marianna, and I’ll trade her life for Marty’s and every other prisoner she holds.

  I fish the white box out of my pocket and breathe in sharply. I hold my breath and press the blue button. Nothing happens. I glance up, panic seizing me. My vision is coming true.

  I shake the box gently. It has no effect. Still nothing. Just as I am about to launch the box across the room, the screen bursts into life. It too is all white, with a set of coordinates in thick blue text and nothing else.

  “Pest?” I say.