The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy)

by Kahlen Aymes

  “That girl wants your ass bad, Ryan. Damn!”

  I shrugged. “She’s…not my type,” I said sardonically but I couldn’t help grinning. Sure it was flattering to be wanted, but she didn’t have chestnut hair and liquid green eyes.

  “Um…she’s every guy’s type. She’s a willing piece of ass. I’ve never seen a woman so willing to be violated. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

  I cringed at his crudeness and shrugged.

  “It would complicate my life and I guarantee that it would mean something to Liza. The way she looks at me creeps me out. She’d turn into a stalker or something.”

  He laughed. “I’ll take that kind of stalker. She’s hot.”

  It all depends on your perspective.

  “Have at it, man.” We walked across the parking lot to my CRV. He lived a few blocks from me and it had become my habit to drop him off on my way.

  “What’s the real reason, Ryan?” he probed.

  I paused before turning on the ignition.

  “I’m here to work, not chase tail.”

  He leaned back in the seat in exasperation. “Hell, Ryan. You’re either gay or seriously in love to not take advantage of that opportunity. I know you’re not gay or you’d be chasing my fine ass.” Tanner laughed out loud, clearly amused with himself.

  I smiled as I pulled up to his apartment complex. Like being gay and in love were mutually exclusive?

  “Well, I’m not gay.” I smirked at him and waited for his inquisition.

  “Who is she then? Do I know her?”

  I shook my head. “It’s…well, it’s complicated and you’ll just make fun of my ass.”

  “Dude…I won’t.”

  My phone jingled in my pocket. Julia. Right on cue.

  I pulled it out and read the message.

  Day from hell. Had a story miss deadline, so holding presses and chasing down photos. Still at the office so can’t talk tonight. I’m sorry. Missing u.

  I sighed. Even our phone time was getting less frequent, sometimes as long as two or three days between conversations. My disappointment was written all over my face as I shoved the phone back into my pocket.

  “I bet that was the complication,” he guessed wisely.

  I smiled. “Yeah. You have no idea how complicated, Tanner.”

  He raised his hands. “Well?”

  “I don’t really know what to tell you. She’s been my best friend for years, but I’m in love.”

  “And?” Tanner prompted. “How does she feel about you?”

  “She’s admitted that I’m the most important person in her life.” He looked at me and whistled.

  “What? We’d only begun to explore our feelings and now she’s got this huge-ass job in Los Angeles and I’m here.”

  He brought a hand down on my shoulder. “Well…that’s a long way from here. You could still play around a little, man. She’d never know.”

  “I’d know. And…I told you before. I’m not interested in anybody else. I’ve waited four damn years for Julia to see me as more than a friend. I’m not about to fuck it up. For any reason; certainly not Liza Nash.”

  I smiled at the truth in those words. The thought of sex with anyone else left me cold and I didn’t care if Tanner thought I was a pussy for admitting it.

  “You’re right. It is complicated.”

  I nodded and ran a hand through my hair. “Maybe you’ll meet her. Then you’ll get it.”

  He opened the door and the chilly air rushed in. Tanner laughed at me as he closed the door.

  Whatever, man. You’d never understand having a real connection with a woman. Dickhead.

  *****

  I sat at the table with my soy cappuccino and waited for Julia’s call. She’d texted earlier and said she was going for a run and would call when she got to her Starbucks. I glanced at my watch.

  10:15. Shit.

  I went over my microbiology and immunology notes so that I’d be prepared for Liza’s questions. My plan was to get in, help as quickly as possible and get out. I felt the bile rise up in my throat at the thought of sitting alone with that ditz for an hour. I vowed I wouldn’t allow it to be any longer than that.

  “Ah…finally.” I breathed into the phone, picturing her face, flushed and wind-burned, her hair wild and eyes sparkling. “There’s my girl.”

  Julia’s musical laughter rewarded me. “Ya think?”

  “Mmmmm…I know.”

  “So are you sitting at the table by the window?” her voice was a little out of breath.

  We’d even taken some photos on our phones and shared them, making it easier to imagine what the other was doing that way. It was comforting to picture her in her surroundings.

  “Yes. How was your run?” I asked, closing my eyes and wishing she were sitting in front of me.

  “Eh…You know I hate running.” I could hear the scraping of the wooden chair against the floor as she pulled it out.

  “Then why do it?” I asked quietly.

  “Ryan…would you have my ass explode? My work schedule keeps me from going to the gym enough, so I have to squeeze in whatever I can.”

  “Yeah, I know the feeling.” I was talking about her squeezing me into her schedule like she did exercise, but she’d think I meant I had a hectic schedule, too. “You’d never explode.” Thinking of her body made a warm flush seep under my skin. She sensed the change in my voice and changed the subject.

  “What are you doing today?”

  “Oh, studying for a while and then Aaron and I are organizing a game of football in the park.”

  “Mmmm…that sounds fun. Wish I could watch.” Her voice was warm but it sounded distant, like she was preoccupied.

  “I do, too. Aaron brings Jenna, but she’s more like the heckling squad than a cheerleader, and she never brings treats.”

  Julia’s laughter tinkled on the other end. “Hmm…funny you should say that, cause I sent you something, moody boy.”

  Pleasure enveloped me and I grinned. “Really? When?”

  “You were disappointed Friday when we couldn’t talk on the phone, so I stayed up and baked. I mailed them Saturday. Probably get it tomorrow.”

  “You’re amazing. I don’t deserve you.” My voice was low and throaty. I longed for her, ached for her in ways I never dreamed were possible. My fingers fiddling around my coffee cup blurred before my eyes.

  “That’s for sure,” Julia teased. “I have to go into the office later. Sound fun?”

  “They work you too hard, Julia. I don’t like it.”

  “One of the photographers lost a digital card and we have to redo an entire shoot. It’s putting the January issue behind because I had to secure the models and locations all over again. The money we’re losing is astronomical, so we had to increase the page count by 16 to pay for it. The Sales Department is scrambling to sell more ads. I can only fill fifty percent of the space with editorial or we’d still be in the red. An eight page fill is a lot to come up with at the last minute,” she groaned.

  “You sound like a full-fledged editor. Why does this fall on you?” I asked, exasperated. She sounded so tired and they were literally working the hell out of her.

  “Ah. Well…no, the junior editor gets the shit detail, i.e. nights and weekends. It’s just part of it. I’m working on getting a promotion, you know. Some gorgeous man I know wants me in NYC.” The smile behind her words made my heart pound.

  “Couldn’t happen soon enough for me, babe, but I still hate how hard you have to work.” I ran a hand through my hair as the familiar ache settled in my chest, “I miss you.”

  “For some reason, I’m really missing you, too…” I smiled as the ache eased a little at those beautiful words. I hoped the reason was because she was as in love with me as I was with her.

  “Ryan!” I started in my chair at the annoying sound of Liza’s nasally voice. I glanced around. She was coming toward me before I could warn Julia.

  I held up my hand to hold her off, but L
iza pulled out the chair and unloaded her backpack on the table with a thud.

  “So…this is Sunday coffee!”

  Damn it! Couldn’t she see I was on the phone?

  Julia was hesitant on the other end and I could feel her pulling back, becoming distant.

  “Well…I guess I should get going.”

  “Julia, wait. Please.”

  Liza looked at me expectantly and I could feel my mouth settle into a tight angry line at her intrusion.

  “Um…it, uh…sounds like you’re busy and I’ve got to get to the office. Mike is waiting for me anyway.”

  The sound of his name grated on my nerves like nails down a chalk board. I didn’t know anything about this guy other than he was a photographer that worked with Julia a lot.

  “What should I order?” Liza interrupted again.

  “Can I call you later?” I said softly into the phone.

  Julia’s voice was stiff when she answered after a brief hesitation. What the hell was she thinking?

  “Um…I’ll be busy the rest of the day, Ryan. Seems like you are, too. Let’s just…talk when we talk. Bye.”

  “Julia…” the phone went dead in my hand.

  I sat staring angrily at Liza as she opened her backpack and took out her notebook. “So? What’s good here?” She completely ignored my irritated expression and prattled on.

  “Liza, I thought we were meeting at the library, in what? 20 minutes?” I was annoyed and didn’t care if it showed.

  “Oh, we were, but I thought this would be more fun.” It was apparent in the way she was dressed, her facial expression and how she looked at me that she was hoping to turn this into a date, one that ran beyond morning coffee or tutoring.

  I had my notes out already, so I flipped a couple of pages back and waited.

  She got up and ordered a beverage and then looked at me. I hastily got up and paid for her coffee. I felt irritated at being forced into this situation but my mother would kill me if I didn’t act properly.

  “So Ryan, where are you from? Claire told me that you were from Illinois, but what part?” Her cheeks flushed as she watched me stare at her. My eyes were hard but I sighed.

  “Chicago. Look, Liza, let’s just get to the books, ok? Do you have questions?” I asked sardonically.

  She pouted as she looked at me. “I just want to know you better, is that so bad? I saw that movie, Chicago.”

  Seriously? I inwardly cringed. The movie was set in the 1920’s and didn’t show any of the city as it was now.

  “Anyway, it looked sort of pretty, but so much crime, right? Ick.”

  Not any more than any other major city, dipshit. “Make sure never to move there, then,” I said flatly. The fine rein I held on my annoyance was slipping fast. “Liza, it’s important that I remain focused on school during my time in Boston. You should, too, judging by the trouble you’re having in microbiology. I’m really, uh, not looking…”

  Her lower lip trembled, her feelings clearly hurt. Instantly I felt contrite, but I was also worried about the repercussions with Julia.

  “Look…I’m sorry. I’m just preoccupied. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

  “My micro teacher hates me. When I ask for help, he just tells me to read the book. I hate reading!”

  I wondered how in the hell she ever got into Harvard at this rate. Fuck, she made my head ache.

  “Who was on the phone?” she asked coyly, trying to gauge my expression. I stopped digging in my backpack for a pen and glanced up at her quickly before resuming what I was doing.

  “That isn’t important. We’re here for microbiology, so…”

  “Ryan!”

  I pulled the pen out and opened the book to the chapter on viruses and how they attached to human cells. “Yeah?”

  She reached across the table to put a cold hand on mine. “Can’t we be friends? We’re forced in that damn lab together, and I just thought we might make the best of it. What’s wrong with that?”

  Nothing, if that was what she wanted.

  I pulled my hand back and picked up the coffee as I leaned back in my chair; as if getting farther away from her physically would make her back off. Her perfume was making me gag anyway. It was sweet and flowery and made my nose burn.

  “Look, Harvard has always been my dream and friends are just…not a priority for me. It’s nothing personal.”

  “All work and no play make Ryan a dull boy. And besides, whoever was on the phone was a friend, so…” she began but I cut her off shortly.

  “No. She was not a friend. More like a lifetime commitment.”

  For a brief moment I saw disappointment and hurt flash across her features before it changed into a calculating stare.

  “But she’s not here…in Boston?”

  I bit my lip and waited. “Are we studying or not? You have ten seconds to decide or I need to leave.”

  “Ok, we’ll study, Mr. Cranky Pants. But Ryan, I am in Boston,” she said suggestively and scooted her chair closer around the table. “Don’t forget that.”

  Just focus on the pages, Ryan. And get away from this bitch as fast as you possibly can.

  I was exhausted after a full day of working with Mike on location. The apartment was dark, so Ellie was either out with Harris or in bed. I turned the small lamp on in the entryway and threw the mail on the side table.

  I loved my job, but hated the long hours and never seeing Ryan. I longed for the days when I’d call him and within minutes he was plopping down next to me. Lately, we weren’t even talking much.

  Like today. I missed him so much it was practically unbearable.

  My heart thumped inside my chest at the sound of that woman in the background. Things were getting weird, which I should expect, with the distance and lack of communication between us.

  This was the longest we’d ever gone without seeing each other and there was so much we didn’t know. For instance, what were we to each other and who was that woman? Was he dating someone? What was he doing with his time and who was he doing it with? Was he lonely? Did he miss me?

  Maybe I didn’t want to know. It was my own damn fault. I should have taken the opportunity to have him that last night in Boston. Then maybe I wouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself and he’d have no doubt that I wanted him.

  I kicked the shoes off my aching feet and wandered into my bedroom, unbuttoning my blouse and going into my closet to hang up the jacket to my plum colored suit. The closet was full of similar outfits. Thank God Ellie had connections in the fashion industry. She set me up with everything I could possibly need. I had two dozen suits from the hottest designers and just as many pairs of the latest shoes and bags lined the shelves.

  I shed the rest of my clothes and padded into the bathroom and turned on the water in the tub. I took a towel off the rack and, wrapping it around me, went to get a glass of wine. The bright numbers on the microwave clock glared at me. 11 PM. I silently groaned, letting my head fall back on my way back to the bathroom.

  So much for Ryan calling later. It was 2 AM in Boston.

  I lit the candle and sank down into the hot, scented water. With the wine balancing in my right hand, I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind of work, of Mike’s blatant flirting, and of missing Ryan.

  Missing Ryan.

  I sighed and brought my free hand to my temple. My head ached and my fingers pushed to offset the pressure. Was I was trying to erase the pain or the sound of that irritating voice behind Ryan’s on the telephone? I struggled to picture the face and body that went with it.

  Ugh. I was back in college again, alone and longing for him while he was with some other woman. If being on opposite coasts didn’t change that shit, what would?

  I drew a shaky breath. Ryan and I needed to talk. This wasn’t working and it was driving me crazy; this helpless feeling that made me sick to my stomach. Since I wasn’t moving to New York anytime soon, the only way to avoid it was to create even more distance from him, and know even less of what was go
ing on in his life. But, was knowing less even possible? Considering how we are at the polar opposite of where we were two months ago, I didn’t think so. That amazing night in Boston…being so close to him, thinking we were finally going to be more, had completely messed up our best friend dynamic.

  Now this woman; what I didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt me.

  Yeah, right.

  What did I expect? I took this job and was devoting every waking hour to it. I did this knowing he’d wanted me in New York.

  He was beautiful and intelligent, with everything to offer. Women must be throwing themselves at him, and one thing was certain, he was all man. I couldn’t expect that he’d be celibate, especially when we hadn’t even talked about the state of our relationship.

  I’d placed my Blackberry on the small table beneath the window next to the bathtub within reach, just in case. Pathetic.

  I sat there for a while and added more hot water to the tub, sipping my wine until my eyes started to droop, when the phone vibrated on the table.

  I reached out and grabbed it quickly, my heart praying it was Ryan. Water splashed out of the tub and onto the tile floor, saturating my towel.

  Crap.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey.” Ryan’s voice was tired, but still velvet and soothing.

  “It’s late, Ryan. Why are you still up?”

  “Well…I’m happy to talk to you, too!” he snapped.

  I sighed. Shit this wasn’t where I wanted to begin this conversation.

  “I am happy to talk to you, but I don’t want you to be tired.”

  He was irritated. “Fuck, Julia. I’m a big boy. I go to med school and everything.”

  My lips flat lined and I frowned. “Did you call just to be a dick?”

  “No.” He sighed deeply. “I thought we needed to talk and I can’t reach you any other time of day.” His frustration poured through the phone.

  “I’m sorry, but um…you’ve been pretty unavailable, too. It’s just how things are right now. It isn’t the way I want it.”

  “How do you want it then?” He was impatient and pissy.

  “Do we have to have this fight again? I’m doing everything I can to get a damn promotion but I haven’t been here long enough, Ryan!”