The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy)

by Kahlen Aymes

  Silence. I could hear him breathing hard on the other end of the phone.

  When he didn’t answer, I continued softly, “Besides, it sounded like I’d just be in the way anyway.”

  “Don’t start that shit!” he answered sharply. “You know I want you here. That girl was just someone I was helping with coursework.”

  “How convenient it was in the middle of our phone call,” I said bitterly. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I felt my throat thicken and tears prick the back of my eyes. My voice was trembling and I wasn’t sure if it was my emotions or the water getting cold around me that was making me shiver.

  “She followed me! We were supposed to meet at the library!” I could picture him running his hands through his hair.

  “It doesn’t matter, Ryan. It’s none of my business.”

  “I can’t take this shit, Julia. Of course it’s your business!” he said angrily.

  I didn’t answer; instead rising from the water and finding a towel in the hall closet, since the other one now lay in a saturated heap.

  “You were in the bathtub?” He heard the water slosh.

  My teeth chattered as I answered. “Y…y…yeah.”

  He groaned on the other end of the phone, “Oh, God.”

  I wrapped the towel around me and went into my room. The sheets were soft and welcoming as I pulled the covers up to my chin.

  “I’m freezing. Sorry for the chattering.”

  He took a deep breath.

  “So now you’re in the bed, naked? You’re killing me.”

  I felt my body react to his voice and his words. My skin practically vibrated with it.

  “Ryan…I realize that this distance thing is a problem and we should have talked before. I get how unfair it is. I mean…I don’t even know what the hell is going on with you.”

  “What I know is that I miss the shit out of you,” he said softly, but with defeat in his tone.

  My eyes burned like fire. “I miss you, too…but what do you miss? I mean…are you missing your friend?”

  “Yes.” My heart sank and a tear slipped silently from beneath my lashes and fell onto my pillowcase. “But I also miss what we should have between us. I feel cheated. I mean we were finally…” he began tentatively.

  “I know. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but the fact is…I’m here and you’re there. I…well, it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to transfer until I’ve been at Glamour for at least a year. It seems like forever and…you’re a man—”

  “What exactly are you saying?” his voice was sharper again, sardonic and pissed.

  “I’m saying that I understand if you just want to be friends…for now.”

  “Julia, why are you pushing me away? Is there someone that you’re seeing? That photographer?”

  “What? No! Ryan…but it doesn’t seem fair that you…” My voice was betraying me, emotion making my words stilted. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as more tears fell. I snuffled.

  “Julia. Please stop this. I can’t do this on the phone.”

  What am I supposed to do? I felt like I was falling apart.

  “This is what I’ve been afraid of; that trying to have some sort of romantic relationship would make things weird between us, and I really don’t want that. I…just…”

  “I can’t…don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m just so nuts when we argue, especially when I can’t get to you to fix it. Are you going to San Francisco for Thanksgiving?” His voice was tired and I ached to put my arms around him.

  “Maybe, I don’t know for sure. Dad might have to work anyway and who knows what emergency will come up here. If I have to work the Friday after, I won’t have time to go home. Are you going to Chicago?”

  “No. I’m coming to you. That’s…if you want me. We need to figure this shit out and not on the damned phone.”

  I rolled onto my side and curled into a ball, drawing my knees to my chest. “Of course, I want you.” The double meaning of the words throbbed through me. Did he understand?

  “I miss you, sweetheart; so much.” Hearing the endearment made it more like he was my boyfriend, like maybe this was real. I ached to tell him I loved him, but didn’t want the first time to be on the phone.

  His voice was throbbing with emotion. “That girl really was just some airhead from my Gross Anatomy group. She’s nothing but a pain in my ass. Really, Julia.”

  “Okay.”

  “What is Ellie doing for Thanksgiving?” The velvet voice became even more velvet.

  “Going to Harris’ parents, I think.”

  “For the whole weekend?” His words were slow and I could picture him in my mind; sitting on the floor in front of his bed, plucking at his eyebrow or lower lip.

  “I think so. Why?”

  “Can you tell Paul that you can’t make it and I’ll tell my parents that I have to stay at school? I’ll come to Los Angeles. We’re going to finish what we started that night in Boston, okay?”

  My heart thrummed in my chest and heat and moisture pooled in my lower body. He was so sexy; his voice was making love to me.

  “Jules?”

  “Yes. I’m scared, Ryan.”

  “Of me?”

  “Of losing you. As much as it kills me to think of you with someone else, I can’t bear losing you. What if…”

  “Julia, you can never lose me. Don’t you know that yet?”

  I nodded even though he couldn’t see and took a shaky breath that he must have heard. “Mmm huh.”

  “So, I’ll fly in the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.”

  “Mmmmm, hmm.”

  “Are you okay? I worry about you all the time.” I closed my eyes and love swelled through my chest to the point of not being able to breathe.

  “Yes, now that I can finally hear your voice,” I said breathlessly.

  “Oh, baby.” I heard the blankets rustle and the throp when he punched his pillow. “We’ll make this work because I can’t live with any other option. I miss you, honey, but I’m going to let you go to bed. Get some clothes on your sexy ass or I won’t be able to sleep just thinking about it,” he teased lightly.

  I smiled through my tears.

  “And Julia? Don’t forget to remember me…okay?” He said the words he’d said before I left him in Boston.

  “That’s impossible,” I said achingly. “I hope you enjoy the package. You should get it tomorrow.”

  “You’re an angel. I can’t wait. I’ll call you.”

  “Yes. Goodnight, Ryan.”

  “Night, babe.”

  I rolled over and closed my damp eyes as the call ended. Three and a half weeks and I’d be in his arms. My heart and body ached in anticipation. I’d never want that weekend to end.

  ~4~

  I put the story boards for the February issue in my office and locked the door behind me, rushing madly to get out of the office and on my way to the airport. Smiling from ear to ear, I ran down the hall to the elevator. I was so excited about seeing Ryan after so long that I wasn’t paying enough attention to where I was walking and a split-second later, felt myself slipping on the smooth marble of the corridor, falling backwards and struggling to avoid landing flat on my ass. My hand flew out to brace myself on the wall. By some miracle, I managed to stay upright but my purse went flying and the contents scattered in several directions.

  “Shit,” I muttered. I glanced at the time as I shoved my phone back into the bag. 6:16. Ryan’s plane was landing at 7:30. and if I didn’t hurry I’d never make it to the airport in time. Traffic this time of the evening was the worst.

  Andrea, my boss’ personal assistant, ran over to help me pick up my things.

  “Julia! Are you okay?” Andrea was a beautiful girl with a rosy complexion, sparkling blue eyes and mops of red tresses that hung to the middle of her back. She started at Glamour a few months before me. I coordinated a lot of the photo shoots, production schedules and talent through her, which required us to work closely together. We had become g
ood friends.

  Andrea handed me my wallet and a lipstick that had fallen out of my purse with my phone. “Big plans, huh?” she asked.

  “Uh, yeah. My…” I hesitated. What was Ryan, exactly? “My best friend is visiting. I haven’t seen him since August.” I couldn’t stop myself from smiling and I quickly stood up. We resumed the trek to the elevators.

  “Him?” She smirked at me. “Is he gorg? What does he do?” Andrea was inquisitive by nature, but especially when it had something to do with the opposite sex. She was a big flirt, but didn’t have a steady boyfriend. I hadn’t mentioned Ryan before. I was keeping him a secret until I knew exactly what the hell was going on between us.

  The floors dinged past as I fiddled with my car keys. “Yes. He’s very handsome.” I closed my eyes and tried to steady my voice. “He’s a med student at Harvard.” I couldn’t help bragging Ryan up a little bit. I was so proud of him.

  “Wow, a would-be doctor, and Harvard.” Her eyes widened. “Even more impressive.”

  “Yeah, that pretty much sums him up, all right.” The elevators opened and I headed to my car. “Happy Thanksgiving, Andrea!” I said as I hurried off.

  “Hey, he sounds amazing, Julia. Maybe you can hook me up?” Her laughter echoed off the concrete walls of the garage.

  “Nope! He’s all mine!” I said happily as I opened the door to my car and threw my purse in the passenger seat.

  As I drove through Los Angeles on my way to LAX, I almost chewed off my lower lip.

  Why was I so damn nervous?

  Yes, I was so excited that I was jumping out of my freaking skin, but I was uncharacteristically nervous, as well. This was Ryan, and things would be as easy between us as they’d always been.

  We’d spent almost every waking, and a lot of sleeping, hours together for the last four years, and knew each other inside and out. He gave me comfort, made me laugh and feel safe.

  But…this was also the Ryan who made my panties damp and my heart beat faster. I loved him more than anyone else in my life. More than I’d ever love anyone for the rest of my life. I knew it as sure as I was breathing. He could take me to heaven or drop me in hell and that fact scared me to death.

  I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves. Tonight would change everything between us. Whether we made love or not, I planned on telling him that I loved him. The words had been aching inside of me for so long, especially since the night in the car after we’d found out he’d gotten into Harvard, and then the last night we’d been together in Boston.

  My heart thumped hard within my chest as I pulled into the terminal parking garage and I found a spot close to the elevator.

  I wondered if Ryan would think it weird to see me in my Dior pencil skirt and Jimmy Choo heels when he was used to me in jeans and Converse. I glanced in the rear-view mirror as I ran a hand through my hair and dotted some light pink gloss on my lips. I looked different but hoped he’d like the changes.

  Here goes nothing…

  As I walked into the terminal, my stomach was a mass of butterflies but I couldn’t stop smiling. People were smiling back at me as I went. A few men were very obvious in their appraisals of my legs or looking me up and down. Normally, I might be annoyed by the blatant ogling, but nothing could ruin my happy mood.

  My phone dinged in my purse and I struggled to pull it out and keep walking toward the security check point and wandered around looking for a good place to wait. I found a Starbucks and took a seat before reading Ryan’s message.

  I’m on the ground. Hope you’re already here. I can’t wait to see you!

  My body was shaking and my heart racing as my eyes searched the stream of people pouring out of the United terminal. I watched for a wild head of sexy golden hair to move through the throng, but the minutes ticked by and hundreds of people passed without any sign of him. The clicking of my shoe on the floor drew attention so I got up to pace back and forth in front of the window, glancing back through the crowds as I went.

  Get a grip, Julia!

  I shoved my hands in the pocket of my skirt and stopped dead. Ryan was coming up the long ramp carrying his black leather duffle bag and blue parka. Wearing a Stanford University baseball hat, a white button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and jeans, he made my breath stop. I was frozen to the spot as I watched him move toward me.

  When he came into the terminal he stopped and looked around…My hungry eyes devoured him as the seconds ticked by. He was so beautiful and I hadn’t seen him in so long, I allowed myself this one small indulgence.

  He searched in a circle until finally his eyes fell upon mine. He paused to look at me, taking in the differences, and his head moved to one side slightly and his eyes narrowed. A huge grin split his face as he began moving quickly toward me.

  I willed my frozen legs to move and ran to him. Immediately, he dropped his bag at our feet and gathered me close, his arms tight around my waist under my suit jacket and his face buried in my hair. I wound my arms around his neck and turned my face into him, resting my forehead just below his ear. He smelled delicious and his hot breath on my skin felt like gold. Like Ryan.

  “Julia,” he breathed. “I missed you so fucking much.”

  Emotion surged through me and I felt the familiar stinging behind my eyes and the tightness in my chest as I held on to him for dear life. If I let go, he’ll disappear.

  He kissed the side of my face and my temple until finally I raised my damp eyes to his beautiful blue ones. “Ryan, I…” he stopped me when his mouth swooped down and took mine in a hungry kiss. He kissed me like it was the end of the world and I let him, the tears falling softly on my face at the same time as my mouth moved frantically with his. Our tongues laved each other and the kisses became slower, deeper but just as intense. My body started to react and I was losing myself.

  All that existed for me was this man.

  Someone walking by whistled and brought us out of our little bubble. Ryan dragged his mouth from mine, and his hand brushed my hair back from my face as he stared into my eyes.

  “What?” I asked breathlessly.

  “You’re gorgeous. I can’t take my eyes off of you.” He smiled softly and rested his head on mine. My mouth ached to reach for his again but I remembered where we were.

  “You don’t have to for the next 4 days.” I smiled happily. The stubble on his chin tickled my fingers. I kissed him briefly on the mouth before stepping back and taking his hand in mine.

  “Promise?” he said softly. I nodded and nudged his shoulder gently with my own, the gesture so familiar.

  “Come on.” I tugged on his hand.

  He smiled, picked up his bag and coat and we walked through the airport to the garage.

  Ryan loaded his bag into the backseat of my new Mazda and I threw him the keys.

  “Are you sure? This is your baby.” His eyes sparkled as he came around to open the passenger side door for me. I couldn’t resist touching him and I brought my hand to the front of his shirt above his belt. The flat of my hand moved up over the taut muscles of his abdomen to rest over his heart. I could feel it beating beneath my fingers.

  “Yeah. Of course. You always drive, don’t you?” I said as I slid into the black leather seat. The sound of the shutting door echoed through the garage. Smiling, Ryan went around and got into the driver’s side.

  “Ugh,” he said as he banged his head on the ceiling and then reached down to slide the seat back to accommodate his height. “Some things never change, eh? Except with those heels, I’d expect you to have the seat further back.”

  I rolled my eyes. “My toes are still the same distance away no matter how high the heels are. Duh.”

  The warmth in his eyes made me flush as he started the car and put it in reverse.

  “So, um…you noticed the shoes then?” I smiled at him.

  He stopped at the booth to pay for the parking and gave the attendant some money. “Uh…I noticed everything, Julia.” He looked at me. “You’re
really…beautiful.”

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t like me all ‘officed’ up…that you’d prefer me in jeans and a t-shirt.” I leaned back in my seat but turned toward him so I could study his profile.

  “Do you really want me to answer that now?” His hand reached for mine. “Later.” The word sounded like a promise.

  Heat infused underneath the skin on my neck and face, and I bit my lip, trying to hide the smile that I couldn’t contain. It felt good to be with him like this, knowing that finally we were both willing and wanting to take the relationship further. It felt…perfect.

  His thumb ran circles over the top of my hand, his fingers threaded with mine. There was a live current of electricity that raced over my skin with each little movement he made. My mouth went dry and my body reacted. He had me teeming with desire with only the briefest of touches.

  I can’t believe how much I love him.

  I gave him directions that took us past downtown L.A. and east of Beverly Hills. Ellie and I shared an apartment in Glendale. It was close enough to downtown for me and even closer so that Ellie could get to her ritzy job in Hollywood. The apartment was modest, but very nice and we kept it clean.

  The sun had set two hours earlier and I sat in the dark, watching the passing lights reflect off the planes of Ryan’s perfect features. He seemed content to hold my hand and drive, listening to the soft strains of the satellite radio. He looked deep in thought, like he was concentrating on something.

  “What are you thinking about?” I asked softly, not wanting to disturb him, but desperately needing to know. He smiled; his white teeth bright in the darkness. The lights from the dashboard softly illuminated the space inside the car.

  “Oh, you know…you,” he paused and rubbed my hand again with his thumb, “It’s incredible to finally be with you like this, baby. I’m just taking it all in.”

  I knew what he meant. We were a couple and it was evident in the way he touched me, how he looked at me and the tenor in his voice. My heart sped up and I sighed. He looked at me and then at the road. “What?” he asked.

  “Nothing…just…Ryan, I’ve missed you. Too much.” I swallowed as emotion welled again. “I was so afraid I’d lose my best friend, but I’m not going to. You’re still with me, but it’s…”