by Eleni Kaur
I wanted it to be me
I know how incredibly difficult it is to love someone with every inch of your body and soul and for it to end just like that, I know the pain. It aches not just the heart but the entire body. It’s as if the entire skeleton becomes corrupted by sadness and the heart that pumps blood around your body is drained. It’s so drained that it exhausts you; it no longer pumps the blood as fast as it used to; predominantly because your heart no longer beats as fast as it used to.
Everything is worn out. Every inch of your body is tired. You loved wholeheartedly, with not just your heart but your mind, spirit and soul. You gave them the love you wanted back because you saw their potential- in fact, you still see their potential and it has corrupted you. You have had such a big fall down and you’ve never felt so low- they didn’t intentionally mean to leave you feeling worthless; they claimed they want you to be happy.
But, ‘how can I be happy?’ you ask yourself
You’ve fallen so deep that now you’re the only person who has to hold your own hand and help yourself up
But
You will
You will find yourself again
‘Patience is a virtue.’
Goodnight
The day has ended
(indicative of closure)
The stars appear- wishing becomes apparent.
No matter how much you try and convince yourself during the day you no longer miss the individual- it will kick in during the night.
You make your way to a coffee shop-
a busy 2pm- the one just down the road from school or work- telling yourself 'no I don't miss them'
Hit 2am. That's when it'll hurt. When you're laying in an empty room reminiscing the memories-
The way you appreciated this individual’s existence
The amount of love you had for them The spark you both created when getting to know one another
Now,
Staring at the blank ceiling Wondering either- why did they let me go? Or- why did I let them go?
That's when it'll hit that nobody in the world will ever love you the same
way;
Their love cannot be reciprocated.
Ever. Enclosed still Tears? Maybe.
you turn to your side and think of all the memories or what you could have been.
The tears hit the pillows
You see a stain of warm water Almost puddle-like
At this point, you're either wondering what’s wrong with me?
Why did they leave?
Or
Why did I let them go?
Maybe I wasn't ready?
Making up scenarios excuses over- thinking
Blaming yourself for either doing something wrong maybe not treating them with enough love-
Or, still laying, staring at the blank ceiling recalling the 'good morning' to 'goodnight' texts
Just to ponder upon the fact-
No matter how much you adored them
No matter how many memories you both created,
The spark has now been lit out.
it’s time for closure
Maybe one day you’ll be his and he’ll be
yours
Maybe you’ll find one another
Maybe he’ll come home-
If not in this world
Maybe, just maybe in the next
Knowing the small things he didn’t like
but still had to experience, killed her
She wanted to be the one who would pick him back up
Gently lay her hand upon his cheeks and tell him she would be there for him and support him no matter what life threw at him
Wrap her arms around him when he had a rough day
She just wanted to be there for him- Through both
His ups and his
downs
She craves your presence
she craves your warm breath to be reflected on her skin-the same skin you left such a mark on that it yearns to feel your touch
she craves her fingers running through your soft hair with her eyes looking deep into yours
Open your eyes;
She craves nothing but you
oNly YoU
I am always writing for him
The person who imprinted himself so deep into my soul
That when I pick up a pen
All I want to do is cover the page with his name
So it's nearly the New Year I stare expressionlessly at my phone
Your name printed on the top left corner
Asking myself 'should I message?' Constantly repeating 'Not even a Happy New Year x'
?
Then I realize.
If you want me, you'll fight.
My love for you is strong- you said yourself you 'feel it'
So
If you want me you'll come find me
When I know I want something
I’ll go for it
I’ll fight for it
I won’t give up
Neither should you
Because
If someone is always on your mind-
They’re most likely supposed to be there.
Good morning to Goodnight
Waking up to a good morning message made my day
You were my good morning to goodnight.
Now I'm sat here wondering why good morning is two words and goodnight is one
Maybe because in the morning you part ways and you have the opportunity to create your own story each day.
In the night, that's when the deep conversations take place- we come together to tell each other our daily stories
That's when you get a real insight into an individual.
The best time to talk I remember
You and I
Conversations lasting until 3-4am during the summer nights
Truth or dare Dare I say
I object and create my own Worse they were.
'Tell me a story'
3 full months you waited
Finally.
A uniquely composed one
Printed
Bound
Now- sat in a drawer- the one attached to the bottom of my cupboard- the one which very rarely gets opened.
Just to demonstrate I'm not the same as the rest
Plus the pressure of hearing 'when someone tells me a story it tells me a lot about the person'
I wanted to spend time on it
Although you never got to physically touch it, you still asked me to read it aloud
I hope you felt it
I hope you felt how much you meant to me
The Boy of Our Dreams
Conceived. Cupped growing Safe and sound
My precious, our precious
I had an idea of what he'd be like My blood your blood
Mixed
Our first- excitement struck
I knew he was safe- safe inside A place nobody could hurt him warm cuddled
protected Foetus now.
Gradually growing making me question how very quick it was all happening
Kicking became apparent
I knew he had your crazy personality; exemplified by the annoyingness of the kicking and constant moving around
Yet appreciating these moments.
How you lay your gentle hands on my belly
Just to feel your son's movements
tears of joy melted heart
1am July 28th
Awoken by intense contractions You yet not forgetting to give me my good morning kiss
Continued contractions Rushed to the hospital.
Room so delicately luxuriously decorated
Simple yet so gorgeously designed Glass Babies cot by my right
Blue blankie accompanied by a teddy towards the far back
You, still by my side
Squeezing hands Painful screams Cries
And there he was- Our mini Singh!
Now wearing your first baby grow-
On my chest
Your left, slowly stroking our son's delicate soft left cheek.
I took a deep gaze into your eyes seeing how proud you were
I witnessed your tears of joy.
Your hand now entwined with mine just like the first time we encountered one another
Complimented with a kiss on the forehead
Paternal grandparents prouder than ever
Their first grandchild with their only son- a mini you, he sure was.
Your eyes My smile Your hair curly.
Gifted by his grandparents a Silver stainless steel bangle
Accompanying his right wrist-placed gently by his grandfather.
4pm- room filled with flowers bluer than ever filled with delight a part of you and part of me
He was here
3 Years of age. Impeccable manners.
Courtesy to treat others with respect- closeness with such a strong bond between him and his grandfather.
Three generations all under one roof-
Love, happiness a close-knit family All we ever wanted.
Not only responsible for being a husband and wife but now being a mother and father of a beautiful little boy A mini you
(a part of you a part of me!)
Our little boy- the one you had always wanted.
This impeccable little human Created by us
'You're going to be the mother of my kids' he said.
That's when my imagination went into deeply desired wonders
The purple pillow of yours which was my favorite
(The one matching my preferred purple top- remember the one I used to wear all the time during our summer nights?)
The one I watched you fall asleep and wake up on
Eternal love
I can still feel his wet lips pressing sweetly against mine
Butterflies intensified
I still feel it
The taste,
O I remember
How could I possibly forget?
My first whom I was hoping would be my last
I still see it Him and me Me and him Him and I
I and him Us Together
Although our souls may not be together Our bodies may not be together
We may not be together My love is forever eternal 'Love never dies' he said Hopefully
I thought
The way your thumb did that moving thing whilst holding my hand
The way I rested my head on your shoulder
The way you used to move your hands up and down my back when we hugged
The way we entwined hands and I took a picture every time
The way these extraordinary moments will forever remain memories
The door was open but only a little.
I wasn't fully inside; it was partially open- I wanted him to open it when he was prepared
I didn't force it open; I didn't want to So,
I kept my hand on the handle. Sometimes, when I knew something was going on over the other side, my grip on the handle tightened
Yet with a
softer fragile touch.
I wanted him to know there was someone at the other end There.
A strong desire to come inside Wanting to be the girl who
Came home. To ignite the fire within him Motivate him
;
I saw the potential. His potential. When he was ready
He could let me in
I could enter- I told myself.
Clueless of the thoughts going on over the other side of the door,
shook the hand whose strong grip yet partially remained
Chaotic thoughts
Nervous. Wanting to go inside Little I knew what was going on. The touch on the handle remained Soft
Tense. Softer
Tenser. Until Bang! Shut
just like that.
I may not know how you’re feeling, she said.
But
I know when you're hurting- she thought.
As much as you try to deny it, I know.
Honestly, babe, nothing’s wrong he said so reassuringly
But she knew.
She could hear it in his voice.
She felt it
She wanted to help
She wanted him to know
She was here as much as he was for her
Remember the time I asked you to look out of the window and stare at the moon- I found it astonishing that we were both looking at the same thing yet from different locations. Now, I look out the window- not only to make a wish upon a star but I wonder if you’re doing the same too
Imperfection is perfection. Think of it this way. A crystal- with lots of imperfect pieces attached and formed to make one beautiful crystal. That’s the way you should view your flaws and insecurities; they all combine to make this one significant individual.
You.
I hope I’ve left my mark as the girl who will love you like no other. I hope you remember me. The ‘crazy’ and ‘weird’ one; our story was different we were different- we were the complete opposite but got along so well
I loved you and you loved me
Candles lit Lamps on Fire
ignited
4 snug on their living room sofa.
Vanilla scent dissipated Fuzzy boots
Hot coco
Hands entwined-just like the first time A kiss on the forehead just like morning time.
Little girl and little boy snug and warm between mother and father tightly cuddled.
Curtains left undone
Snowflakes seen settling the ground
A loving family under one roof Protection and love all around
That's all they wanted them to surround
A knock at the door the father goes His friends and their wives appear
They were the family everyone loved They were the ones everyone admired.
An hour or two, dinner set
Warmer and cozier than they'll ever get the love within this home was
Contagious, Irresistible
Family, friends, neighbors all welcome
This home, in particular, was one people felt at ease
For it contained the couple who loved one another more than ever.
The ones who comforted and advised The ones everyone looked up to and aspired to be like
A place not only with a tightly knit family around
But a home with lots of love to surround A husband and wife with their two children
The ones who inspired and believed in others.
10pm now past children’s bedtime
For it was a Friday night they deserved family movie time
Guests thank these two for the unexpected dinner
What a comfortable place it was for people to be
They said they shall be back sooner than ever!
Man and wife now prepare children's milk and snacks
For this fortnightly Friday movie night
They eagerly awaited
Candles lit
Lamps on
Fire
ignited
4 snug on their living room sofa.
Sometimes the phone will light up Sometimes the doorbell will ring
And all she hopes for is
Nothing but him
On the other side
‘I just want you to be happy’ I just want
You to be happy too.
As much as it will ache to see you with another, I hope she makes you happy. I hope she gives you the world. I hope she gives you the love you deserve. I will envy her but if she makes you happy then I’ll be content.
Sometimes I’ll be walking and I’ll think of something funny and I’ll not help but think ‘I need to tell him this.’ I used to tell you the smallest to the biggest occurrences during my daily life but now when something happens I can’t help but think ‘I need to tell him this’- just to realize
There’s nobody to ask how my day was and that we don’t talk anymore
> If I even achieved one thing out of all of this by building the connection between himself and God, not only through my prayers for him but by convincing him to pray and telling him to make visits to the Gurdwara often, then I'm pleased
‘You’re in my kismat. I know it.’
he said
I know it can be difficult especially when you get into the habit of talking to someone every night and suddenly, they’re not there-whether this be a friend or a lover
Especially when they’ve engraved such a mark that they’ll forever remain deep within your heart
I know the pain; I’ve felt it too
It all comes down to the one individual The one you look for in everyone
The one you’ll love like no other Him
Faith
One thing I do remember is asking you, back when we were just getting to know one another is when you last visited the Gurdwara
