by Eleni Kaur
To which you replied 'I don't even remember'
I don't know if I helped encourage you but seeing you go more often as we spoke, really warmed my heart. I don't know if I helped motivate you to go but I knew I was constantly on your back. I really hope you still visit regularly.
I know I am no longer a significant part of your life- I, therefore, have no right to tell you what to do anymore, but please go.
He will help you. He is one person who will listen when nobody else does. He will guide you.
I promise
She had nothing but good intentions She wanted to look after you
She desired to build you-both spiritually and mentally
She may have been a handful at times but
Remember
She’s different from everyone else you
know
She had the spark She was ambitious
You know you knew it yourself
Nothing but good intentions and a pure heart to love you with
Never forget
Mazelike world
Mazelike puzzled
Not knowing which path to take Having to
Stop.
Allowing the rain to drop. Warm water Other times- the sun was brighter than ever
Still Confused
In the mazelike world.
You take your walk
Within the mystified world
Trying to find a way out
Trying to find the liberty you deserve Walking through the maze
Time alone
Noticing small pieces on the ground Those never noticed before Constructing these pieces together Joining.
Binding. Continue walking Until the end.
You're out the maze. You've reached the end Sun brighter than ever And you've
Found Yourself
Missing someone is one of the most awful feelings you can ever experience. You'll be walking around thinking of something funny to tell them and it suddenly hits that you no longer talk.
You can wish on a number of stars, throw as many coins in wishing wells and make as many 11:11 wishes but at the end of the day, if you've tried your best, deep down you know there's nothing more you can do
And
that’s what aches the heart the most
Blink of an eye
From the sleepiness nights due to laughter and one another’s company in August
to sleepiness nights of tears and solitude in December
I still remember the very first time I held your hand to the last
It was in a flash
Our light was let out ever so rapidly
The light I truly believed would last a lifetime.
When someone believes such a thing And for the candles to then burn out-
Aches the heart like no other feeling in the world
Saturdays
Waking up on a Saturday morning first thought: how you're on your way to work.
How you're usually commuting around 8 and how work starts at 9
How you take the latest break between 12 and 1
And how you finish at 3 and get out by 3.20
I am utterly obsessed with you And it's so wrong
Because I wasn’t even fought for.
Sundays
We used to spend most of our Sundays together-
Facetiming or over the phone So much joy
And now- a Sunday afternoon A tight throat
Warm tears
Nearly 2 months of not speaking
I’m sat here writing this
You get so fed up that you feel empty You're pissed off- out of love- most likely.
There's a part of you that'll still care It'll always care
The care is
Eternal Everlasting.
The reason why you're fed up is because you put in your all
You wanted only the best for this certain individual
It's as if it was all taken too seriously. There are many people who are just ‘not ready.’
Sometimes people just enter lives at the wrong time.
You’re both young. Very young.
Maybe just maybe you constantly think
One day
From the smallest of things
The way your eyes looked into mine before we kissed
The way you used to tease me
The way I’d ask for 10 kisses and I’d be lucky enough to get 20
The way you held my hands and your fingers intertwined with mine
The way the thought of you still randomly makes a smile appear
The way you used to drink milk when you were feeling too warm
The way you used to snore whilst falling asleep
The memories Our-memories
Will forever remain Between
You and I Only.
Every little piece of you I
Fell For. I Fell Hard.
So hard; now that you're
Gone- it essentially pains and aches my heart
Trapped between wanting to feel his physical touch which made everything seem alright or feeling his emotional touch which warmed the heart and soul
Trying to find yourself again after making someone your priority, putting them first-
I loved it
I loved loving someone It felt good
Knowing there was someone to take care of him
Knowing there was someone who would go out of their way to do anything for him
It warned my heart That person was Me.
I'm not here to say nobody else will do the same but I am certain nobody will love him the way I did
I know nobody will care for him the way I did
I get asked almost every day
'Why do you still care?'
I care because I feel affection for him more than anything
If I ever happen to cross his mind It won't be the same
Of course, it won't
She was let go of so easily That's what hurt the most
But- this wasn’t an act of want from either of them, rather something they had to do.
It doesn't mean she shouldn't still worry;
Yes she worries about his health
Yes she worries about him coming home late
Yes she worries about him leaving work on a chilly winter’s evening, 5pm when it's dark outside
Why?
Because he imprinted such an affectionate mark on her that no matter how hard she tries to forget, she cannot.
Speaking of the memories and not knowing how their day was or if their weekly routine has changed
is honestly so confusing
Not knowing how they feel anymore
Every time you try to stop thinking you can't; it’s impossible
Your mind will drift from certain situations to him
You’ve tried to convince yourself that he doesn't care so you shouldn't
But that's impossible How could you possibly stop caring?
She
Yes
She will worry if you're home late She'll be concerned if you're out after midnight
She'll make sure you text her letting you know you're safe
She'll make sure you’re taking care of your health
She’ll be aware you don't get influenced by the wrong people She'll keep you on track
She'll keep you motivated
She'll make sure you're warm before going out on a winter’s day
She'll make sure you've eaten
She'll make sure you don't get involved in anything silly
You keep telling yourself that;
As much as I hope and pray you find someone who does fall in love with you in this respect- you keep convincing yourself that there will be another like me
I am different.
She’ll never be me.
She won't have her heart You won't feel the same love
You never feel the same love twice. You'll crave the love she offered you
As much as you try,
You won't forget her.
She was different to the rest She was one of a kind.
And she knew it
She prayed you'd find someone who would love you like she did
(Boy, if she could place her heart into somebody else's chest she would)
But deep down even you knew nobody else ever could ever replace her
A broken heart
I think once the heart is broken, nothing will be the same again. Yes, one can heal but it’s never the same. You do become stronger- in fact, you become a lot stronger. You learn to find yourself and who you are. You grow up, you mature and you become bolder. It’s all a learning process. Yes, it is all an experience. But, you’ll never be the person you were before. As much as you try, it’ll never be the same
I surprised myself really; I never thought I would have reacted in the way I did and to be fairly honest, I disappointed myself. I know I can live without a man- I like to believe that I am not only completely focused on my future but I am also highly determined. I guess it was the memories that I would miss- getting to know him, what he desired etc. I just wanted to be the woman who would motivate him and be along his side to help him achieve his dreams and goals.
She still envisages everything you could have been. The things you could have done. Maybe this whole thing happened because one day the both of you will come back stronger than ever. (She doesn’t know. And neither does he.) One day, it will all make sense. You’re oblivious to it now
but
one day- the both of you will know.
Am I pissed off? Yes. I am so mad at you- To be honest, I’m hurt more than anything because my only intentions were to keep you happy and shower you with my love. We wanted to be each other’s futures
I hate you but love you at the same time. My love will always outweigh my anger towards you; when I’m angry with you, it is out of love.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try No matter how much effort you put in, Some things are just not meant to be.
In the moment, it really makes you question whether happy endings really do exist.
But it's important to remember that eventually, everything will fall into place Everything will be okay
As they say
'In the end, it'll all be okay
If it's not okay, it's not the end'
Laying on your back Ears covered
Flicking through your phone
Literally touching the screen where their picture is perfectly printed
Hoping to feel their touch. Volume loud
Blank ceiling
The thought of someone else's touch Tightened throat
Tightened chest Tense
Thoughts of opening up to someone else
Eyes closed
You try to sleep.
Lost appetite
I think it's very simple to lose yourself when a situation akin to heartbreak occurs
There will be days you can't eat you lose all appetite
Apparent insomnia
As time progresses you pick yourself back up
You pick up the small pieces
You hold your own hand- literally.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself 'I can do this'
This normally happens late. Night.
Memories of when you used to speak start to kick in
You constantly wonder what you could have done to have kept what you had
Memories you don’t ever want to forget
I wonder if you still think of me If I ever cross your mind
Once in a blue moon maybe?
Whether at work, walking down a street, seeing something, even something small that makes me appear in your mind
In a way, I hope it doesn't have the same impact on you as it does on me But,
The selfish me wants your throat to tighten,
Your heart to skip a beat. And I want you to miss me. Yes,
I want you to miss me.
O how goddamn selfish of me
I want you to remember my voice
I want you to remember the way I loved you
I want you to recollect our late night conversations
I want it to all come rushing in I want your mind full of nothing but me
O how selfish
I hope you still have my scarf. It was one I wore often. I wonder if my scent has remained.
I wonder if you can still smell me Only you know
There's almost a sense of hesitancy Becoming close to anyone else.
Whether it be a friend or a potential lover-
It sucks.
Yet, in a way it prepares and teaches you how to enjoy personal company;
You spend more time with yourself
An opportunity to boost your confidence With more time to love yourself.
All because one person left-constantly forcing you to wonder what you did so wrong when you put in your all to keep them happy-loved them more than anyone
you're terrified to become close to another-
A reminder that you're one person that'll stay for eternal life
So,
Fall in love with yourself
Since you're the one person who won't leave
5th October
On the phone What a relief
Yet panic still kicks in ‘Let me fix my hair’ Still on the phone Walking faster
Pace increases
Heart starts pounding Excitement kicks Finally.
I see you. In a corner
We hug I look into your eyes and fall into your arms once again
Tiptoeing arms around your neck
Head buried between your shoulder and neck
What an amazing moment. (To be in the arms of the first boy I fell in love with!)
We start to walk Hands tangled I grab yours
Kiss them.
You take mine Start to rub them.
‘Relax’ you say
‘Why are you so nervous?’ Not knowing
how to respond- I hug you again Continuously
Walking. Stopping.
Falling into your arms.
We cross the road.
You wrap your arms around my neck from behind
I take your hands Kiss them once again You move to my right
I clench your hand, tight.
Going into someone’s back garden
Where it clearly says ‘strangers will be persecuted’
Looking deep into one another’s eyes
with such happiness
Dreamlike.
You cup my face into your hands
I fall into your arms once more
Head buried between your neck and shoulder
On my tiptoes-
I hug you tighter
We start to walk again
You say my name.
I love the way it rolls of your tongue
Finally.
We walk into the park- side by side
‘Describe the scenery’ you say
‘the grass was as green as...as green as’ unable to finish my sentence
I take another look at you without hesitation and kiss you.
‘is that the lake?’ I ask nervously
You laugh and mock me. Of course, it was the lake. Silly me.
We find a place to sit. Facing the lake leaves on the ground
You put me on your lap My arms around your neck
I can’t happen but rest my head on your shoulder
‘Isn’t it crazy how you were just an ordinary boy a couple of months ago?’ I say
‘I still am that boy.’ ‘Not to me’
‘What am I then?’
I raise my head
Looking deep into one another’s eyes
I go one way You go the other.
lips now entwined butterflies aroused my heart beating fast
We take a moment
My First Kiss!
We continue
‘I love you’ I say
‘I love you too’ I hear. It was the first
&nbs
p; time you said it!
Just you and I. Alone. A time to cherish.
Us, in each other’s presence. I loved it.
I lay my head into your shoulder once again
Shivering- you take off your red checked shirt and put it around me
A gesture that demonstrated your personality perfectly.
An hour and a half later we get up and walk again
Around the block
You take my bag and hold it for me.
There were moments when you attempted to wrap my scarf around me- I taught you the way I wear it.
My maroon one, remember?
I wonder if you still know how I shawl it around me
We continue to walk We stop.
I look at you Tiptoe
We kiss.
We continue walking 6.45pm dark. October. Hands still entwined
Nearly 7pm.
I don’t want to let you go at this point
Reluctant to say goodbye
