by Eleni Kaur
‘We have to do this again’ you say ‘Yes, we do’
October 5th, 2016
Not only the day of my first kiss But
One of the best days of my life
She knew when something was wrong- She felt it deep within her heart
No matter how much he denied it She knew.
And it killed her. As it would kill anyone.
Knowing the one you love is going through something and you’re unable to help, destroys you-
She tried to let herself in
But couldn’t.
It killed her; do boys talk to one another when something is hurting?
She knew things but had no way to
help- her thoughts were always with him even though they were no longer each other’s responsibility
;
He let her go
The idea of someone else's arms wrapped around his neck
Made her swallow Hard.
The fact that she won’t care if she’s hugging with not only her body but her entire soul
Hurt.
The fact that she won’t love as wholeheartedly
Hurt.
The fact that she won’t understand things the way I did
Hurt.
Every little thing she will do- She won’t take her time to make sure it’s performed to the best of her ability.
Will she write you love letters?
Will she make you dispose of the letters I stayed up writing?
Who knows?
But the idea of her not loving as deeply as me
Hurt more than anything.
From the time when I was on your back to shaving your beard and when you finally did I told you I missed it and I didn't even receive a good morning text the following morning
To our silly arguments when you'd call me names and I'd ask for 10 kisses in order to accept your apology
I miss it all
It’s insane thinking in a few months you
could thoroughly be forgotten
I by no means want to ask ‘remember me?’
Nobody wants to be forgotten
Especially someone who loved with every inch of their soul-
I hope I’ve left such a significant mark that you’ll never forget
‘Love you x’ reads the last message you
sent 15.12.16
The thought of falling in love again terrified her
How could she even think of moving on when her heart told her it was so incredibly wrong to seek affection, salvation and love from any other spirit than yours
Two hearts full of nothing but perpetual love
The way his eyes lit up when he saw you
The way his smile gave you such warmth
How his smile warmed you in ways nothing else ever could
His joy was your delight
All you wanted was to see him happy
His essence
His integrity
His touch
Everything about him excited you
Unquestionably, someone that’ll forever
remain deep within your heart
Someone who you will incessantly look for in everyone you meet
Either because they were your first, or because they gave you love like no other that they’ve ended up imprinting their scar so far into your soul that you’ll look for them within everyone you encounter
We simply went from strangers to building a strong friendship with getting into a relationship and becoming strangers again.
It’s crazy because you’re the one person I opened up to. The one person who I felt comfortable talking to. The one individual to whom I ranted many problems to without hesitation. The one individual who was always here for me whenever I was at my happiest as well as darkest of times. The person who I’d go to for advice- the person whose number I’d have printed on my phone screen whenever I felt unsafe- knowing you were just a phone call away
And for that, I am forever grateful.
‘We’re going to make this work’
He told her
Our love was only summer lasting I had to remind myself
‘There is no flower brighter than the first to bloom after a harsh winter.’
She had nothing but a pure heart to love with
She kept to herself and focused on her own work
Her priorities were straight in the sense that independent success was always on her mind
She prioritized her work and kept to herself
When she loved, she loved hard
Maybe she was too much because she loved 'too much'
I wonder if you still read the letters I wrote you-
The ones I stayed up until 4am- articulating, drafting, rewriting, perfecting
Spending time shamelessly selecting the prettiest paper and handpicking the cutest envelope to enclose my words within
Something I never told you
My four day trip to Italy before the attachment-
After touristic days out, I'd come back to the hotel room that I shared with my mother
Whilst she was fast asleep I'd jump out of bed and go into the corner where I'd lay my cushions and feel so snug
I would sit upon a wooden desk- back laid upon the wall with a pillow resting behind me- phone plugged in the socket charging
Comfier than ever And
I'd talk to you.
I was only an hour ahead of our standard time
but in spite of being exhausted after an adventurous day, I'd stay awake just to talk to you.
Bearing in mind this was just the first
week of us getting to know one another-I had never felt so warm- I felt at ease- I enjoyed each minute of last summer- I was blissful; I would look forward to waking up to a message from you, I'd look forward to exploring Italy and I would look forward to coming back to the hotel to speak to you
I treasured every moment of it
She knew his form of escapism
She didn’t want him to feel in solitude She didn’t want him to harm himself not
knowing the damage he was causing
She wanted to be his comfort
She even wished he heard her calling out his name
She wanted to be
His one and only
I wonder how you’ve been feeling each
day
I know things that remain only between you and me
I don’t ever want you to go through
anything alone
I hope you find someone who cares as much as I do
I hope you find someone who craves your presence as much as I do
I hope you find someone who holds your hand as tightly as I did
I hope you find someone who cherishes you
When he left
He took every inch of her with him
Summer Love
I dread the approaching summer
The thought of you and me during last summer
The memories we created will be treasured for sure
Those nights we spent getting to know each other
To slowly falling for one another
It hurts knowing you could be with someone else
It hurts knowing there could be someone to whom you could say ‘you remind me of someone’ which will most likely make her form a strong dislike towards me- her wanting you but you remembering nothing but our memories
Summer will return Different- definitely No more calls
No more talk of our aspirations, hopes and desires
Our 5-hour calls
Hearing you breathe down the phone As you snore away
My smile appears
TV still running in the background Oh you silly boy
You sleep I talk
You, still unaware of what I used to say
No more us
We went from phone calls lasting 5 hours to never speaking again.
'But everything was going so well' you constantly hear.'
That's right- it w
as
Who knows what happened...
The possibility of such a bright and successful future all banished- literally in a blink of an eye
Leaving them both broken
Witnessing each other’s innocent sides- both of them
Late nights
Asking questions
Deep conversations
Closeness
Such a deep connection build by them both
Learning one other’s stories
Learning each other’s qualms and aspirations
Letting one another in
Now,
Just strangers with each other’s secrets
You lose all motivation to love again. The thought of loving someone else physically makes you sick. This was the person you wanted- the one you thought you'd stay loyal to and spend the rest of your life with.
This was the one person you felt at home with. The one person who not only made you feel intense butterflies but eased you with their intense comfortability.
Being in their arms made you feel safe and at home. You thought these are the arms where 'I'll forever remain.' You didn't want to feel anyone else's embrace; you wanted them and only them.
And you still crave their presence
The way we used to sleep over the phone-
Hearing your every breath
Warmed my heart
The nights when I couldn’t sleep and you’d whisper and wait for me to go to bed
Those were the best moments
The little things,
They meant the most
I’ve learned that sometimes people come into your life to show you who you can be and they can be someone to whom you literally spill your life to. Not everyone stays. But, we still have to be grateful for the things they’ve given us and wish them the very best
There will be nights where you’ll find yourself staring at the ceiling reminiscing the memories you shared with this certain individual. You’ll desire to re-live the moments. You’ll yearn to be in their arms- for their comfort- the thought of their presence ignites the warmth of your body with the warm water flowing down your cheeks- but as you wipe the tears away, you’ll put your hair up- either in a ponytail or a bun. Tight. You’ll look into the mirror and you’ll tell yourself that one day this will all make sense. You have to convince yourself that one day you’re going to wake up with the love of your life- you might even be lucky enough to wake up to a baby’s cry and everything will be satisfactory. You will be awoken by a good morning kiss- you’ll be with someone who loves and cherishes you to the extent of which no other human being could.
You’ll find out why it didn’t work out with anyone else. So, for now, my darling you have to keep your head held high, focus on your own happiness instead of
putting other people’s before your own
as usual- focus on your own success and keep working hard because
It will all make sense one day- I promise
As far as she’s concerned,
he told her he was just as attached as she was
It pained her no longer knowing how he felt
Going from knowing his everyday routine to knowing nothing at all-
The unexpected phone calls The calls after work
The way he grabbed her hand and walked
the way he held her hands to passionately kiss them
The way he kissed her
The way he bit her bottom lip whilst fervently kissing her.
How she misses the sleepless nights full of laughter
Constantly thinking of what happened to
whatever they had- was there anything she could have done differently? Was she not making him happy enough? Did she do something wrong? Was she too much?
So many questions- floating around her mind
Unable to stop over thinking.
How very daunting to know how quickly things have the capability of changing
Maybe letting her go was a way of showing her how much you loved her; you did say you loved her- a lot of people tell her, ‘maybe he didn’t think he could make you as happy as someone else out there could’ maybe that’s the reason you let her go
He left such an imprint on your soul that your body craves his essence
I think it’s very important to remind ourselves that the heart is a complicated organ- it took 9 months to create and nothing and nobody should let it go through such intensity of pain in a matter of seconds
His laughter warmed me in ways his
shirt couldn’t
It was hurtful more than anything, to be honest
Giving so much love to someone Someone who knew how much you loved them
Just to join that pile of exs
I still pray for you
It’s a habit- a habit that I don’t want to take control over- something that happens naturally and I’m proud of
I remember the very first time I prayed for you- this will forever be an on-going act. I truly believe if you love a man, pray for him. It warms my heart when I ask The Almighty to look after you for me; I have full faith that he will. I pray for you whenever I pray for myself. I hope he guides you in the right direction towards the right path and I hope he never makes you feel alone;
If you love a man, Pray for him
Nobody will have the same effect upon you as he did.
His essence was something special
Histouchgaveyouwarmthboth internally and externally-
There was something special.
The way his eyes lit up when he smiled
The way he wrapped his arms around your body
The way his thumb stroked your hand when your hands were entwined with one another’s grip
The way his lips touched your forehead with the kisses you loved the most
The way he licked his lips before he leaned in to kiss you
Nobody else’s mark will be the same
You opened me up
You made me feel so comfortable that I could talk to you about anything and everything
‘No one has loved me the way you have’
The attachment
The connection Unordinary Different- indeed
There was something Something they had
They say opposites attract But right now
It seems as though they’re repelling
It still feels like a fresh wound
One that cannot (even by a plaster) rectify
Forever waiting to be healed
The Boy in the Blue Suit
It all comes down to the boy in the blue suit. The boy I first laid my eyes on and couldn't get out of my mind. It was love at first sight- I still remember that feeling; it was something out of the ordinary.
There's always a constant thought of what we could have been
Where we could have gone All the plans we had
Where we'd live
The places we’d go The smiles we’d share The tears we’d shed The children we’d bare
It was love of a mad girl they all said We've never seen someone love that much
She was one in a million he himself said so
For the girl who comes after
There’s a letter waiting to be opened by you
But, just in case he doesn’t give it Here’s a little something from me to you.
I don’t know what else to say other than simply starting with a hey.
It may be wrong of me to say but nobody can love him this way
Love so strong it could kill
Love of a crazy girl they all said Nevertheless, he’s now yours So please
Make sure when you hug him, you do it right- not too tight but just alright
Hold his hand when he’s down and
cheer him up when he has a frown
He has a sensitive side so make sure to give him space
And make sure when you kiss him
You don’t do it with such haste
He likes to take things slow
And he pr
efers things to gradually grow
Please be there to support him in whatever decisions he makes
Look after his parents with such grace
There’s something special about him
and the connection they have So please be there for him. Tell him to pray
Tell him to go to the Gurdwara
Build the connection between him and God
Motivate him Love him
And show him you care Ask him how his day was
