The Art of Forgetting

by McLaren, Julie

  “This car is nearly as old as me,” he laughs as she gets in, but Laura cannot raise even the hint of a smile. She is too busy keeping it all together.

  The pub is only a five minute drive away. Laura recognises it, although she has never been inside. There is a large car park around the back and Emil pulls into a space well away from the building.

  “OK then?” he says.

  Laura looks across at him. No, she is anything but OK, but she nods anyway. She can feels tears close to the surface but she blinks them away and smiles.

  “Oh, come here, you,” says Emil. “Look at the state of you. Come and have a hug.” With that, he puts an arm around her shoulders and pulls her to him. Her head is on his chest and she can hear his heartbeat. Thrum, thrum, thrum. She can hear her own, too, keeping time with his. Then she feels his head dip and he drops a little kiss on the top of her head. “Poor old thing,” he says and she feels his face against her hair.

  A moment passes. Is it a long moment or a short one? Laura will never be able to tell, however many times she replays it in her head, but then she feels him raise his head again and she looks up at him. Their eyes meet and then suddenly their lips are together too, gently at first and then more urgently. She puts her hand behind his head and feels the curl of his hair on his neck. She pulls him closer still, as this is what she wants. She knows that now, with a great rush of pleasure, excitement and yes, relief. This is what she has wanted all the time.

  She is still dizzy with all these thoughts, and the surging of her blood and the thumping of her heart when Emil pulls away. They are both flushed and breathing deeply, but something is wrong. Emil looks distraught. He pulls his arm from behind her and covers his face with a groan.

  “Oh, Laura, I’m so sorry,” he says.

  Laura has to fight back the sensation of falling. She feels like her legs have been kicked out from under her, even though she is still sitting down. Her voice, when she replies at last, seems small and very far away.

  “What for?”

  “For being so weak. I said I wouldn’t do it. I told myself I would just be your friend and I wouldn’t take advantage of you when you’re so vulnerable, but I failed. You see, I’ve wanted to do that for such a long time that when it came to it I couldn’t stop myself. I’m truly sorry. Can you ever forgive me? Can we still be friends?”

  Laura tells Emil that she is thirty-five years old, not fifteen. He has nothing to be sorry about. Then she tells him that she has wanted the same thing, probably for just as long, and they do it again. They kiss until Emil stops and says they are in danger of carrying out a lewd act in a public car park. They both lean back and laugh.

  “I think we’d better go and get that coffee,” says Emil.

  Chapter 13

  So that is the start of it. Laura’s affair. When she thinks of it, she tries not to use that word. But that is what it is, certainly after the school holidays end and she is able to start visiting her mother during the day again. Even though nothing happened for weeks after that first kiss and she barely saw Emil, some little part of her always knew it would flare up again as soon as it was possible. Emil does not like mobile phones, so there have been no furtive texts, no secretly checking her phone for messages of love or longing. But something else was exchanged on that Sunday morning in Emil’s car. There, in a scruffy pub car park next to the bulk bins, an understanding passed between them and that is what has kept her going.

  True, there have been days when Kelly has stayed with the children whilst Laura visits her mother, but time has been limited on those occasions and Mum has to come first. Maybe they have looked across the room at each other for longer than is usual. Maybe there have been smiles that meant more than they did a few weeks ago, but nothing else. Nothing until that day when at last the children have been ushered off to their new teachers, smart and excited in their new uniforms. Then their mother drives to Cavendish House and wonders who is more excited, the children or her.

  They haven’t planned anything, but Emil is early too. It is a grey day, so they have tea together in the conservatory with their respective mothers. Laura’s mum still looks like a skeleton but her hair has been styled and her nails manicured. Even better, she appears to know who Laura is, so it is some time before Laura begins to talk of leaving. She takes her through to the day room and then comes back through the conservatory where Emil is on his feet.

  “Quick coffee before you go home?” he says. There is a mischievous glint in his eye that makes Laura’s heart leap, but she tries to look casual, surprised even.

  “Oh! Yes, OK. That would be nice.”

  She takes her own car and follows his, but they go to the same place. He even parks in the same spot and she pulls up beside him. Then he leans across and pushes the passenger door open, so she gets out of her car and climbs in beside him. There is no crying this time nor is there much of a pause. They are both hungry for each other and it is as if the weeks between the last kiss and this one have never happened. But still, there is a limit to how long anyone can spend kissing in a pub car park on a Tuesday morning, so they tidy themselves up and go into the pub.

  They sit together on a threadbare bench seat, two cups of something calling itself cappuccino on the table in front of them. Laura can feel the warmth of Emil’s thigh next to hers. They are quiet for a while and then he takes her hand.

  “Laura.” He clears his throat and starts again. “Laura, are you absolutely sure you want to do this? It’s just, well, you’re much younger than me. Look at you, you’re beautiful, and you have a family. I keep thinking, what’s she doing? Why is she risking everything for an old bugger like me?”

  Emil has not let go of her hand, and she squeezes his. She tells him he’s not an old bugger and she does want this, very much. She thinks she deserves some pleasure in her life. She tells him she will not risk her children’s happiness and that means there is probably no chance that she will leave Patrick to set up home with Emil, but she doubts he would want that anyway. It’s way too early to be even thinking like this, but she needs to tell him. If he’s happy to share what she can offer, then that’s fine with her. There is a hard determination somewhere in the centre of her. It is new and surprising but she likes how it makes her feel. At last she is taking control of something and it will be fine. No-one will ever know and no-one will get hurt.

  It is about a week later that Laura hears about the wedding. She is included in a group email from Paul, her mother’s brother, with the news that his daughter is getting married after Christmas and that everyone will be invited. Invitations will follow, but this is advance notice. Paul is older than Mum by a couple of years, but his children are younger as he married late. The bride-to-be is Emily, his oldest, and she is only twenty-two. Laura wonders if she is pregnant. She knows nothing about the girl as Paul lives near Leeds and rarely sees the rest of his family. She can remember asking Mum why they never saw their baby cousins when they were born, but she always said Paul was antisocial. Maybe he wants to change that after all this time, or maybe Emily wants to meet her cousins.

  The next day – before she has had time to digest the implications of getting everyone to Leeds, finding accommodation for at least a couple of nights and what to do about Mum – there is another email. This one is to her alone and is from Wendy, her mother’s younger sister. Wendy lives in New Zealand and has not returned to England for years, but now she intends to use Emily’s wedding as the focus for an extended visit. She is hoping to stay with her sister, but has had no response to her emails for some time and wonders if Judy has a new email address. She will be travelling with her daughter and granddaughter who is eighteen months old.

  Suddenly Laura feels a sharp pang of guilt. She realises that they have done nothing to keep Paul and Wendy informed about their sister’s condition. She can’t remember if anyone has even told them. She starts to compose a very apologetic reply but then an idea comes to her and she texts Kelly and Robin instead.

&
nbsp; Auntie Wendy is coming over for the wedding and wanted to stay with Mum. She didn’t know about Cavendish House so I will tell her (guilty face) but shall I suggest she stays in the house anyway? We could finish it off and then rent it afterwards. We need something to push us re this anyway!

  So it is decided. This will be the impetus they need. They will finish clearing out the house – the bulk of it having been completed anyway – decorate where necessary and make it fit for Wendy and her family to stay in for the three weeks she will be in the country. Then they will distribute or dispose of the furniture and the house will be let unfurnished when she leaves. This will provide an income and it will also be a load off their minds. Laura does not like the idea of someone else living in her childhood home but she knows it is the right thing to do. She returns to the house with a new determination to get it done.

  And so Laura’s life adopts a new rhythm. It seems to comprise separate cycles and she has to ensure they all run smoothly without interfering with each other. There is the domestic cycle in which she is a mother and ensures everyone is fed, clothed and ready for work or school with as little stress as possible. Then there is the Mum cycle, in which she visits, encourages, watches the steady improvement and discusses it with the staff and those others who care. This also includes regular sessions to complete her mother’s house, especially at the weekends when the others are available to help. And then there is the Emil cycle. How could she portray this if she had to represent her life in diagrammatic form? The domestic and Mum cycles would be circles, or maybe ellipses, but they would be regular and they would run along beside each other. The Emil cycle is hardly a cycle at all; rather, it would lurch and bump its way around the others with its peaks and troughs of passion and excitement, longing and frustration.

  The problem is, their ability to spend time together is governed by their mothers. If both are relatively well and calm, they will curtail their visits by an hour or so then slip away together, but this is not always the case. The first time, they went to a Travelodge by the railway station and it was amazing how such a bland and anonymous setting could be the scene of such a fierce coupling. Laura still marvels at how amazing sex is with Emil. He seems to know, without question or experimentation, how to arouse her to heights she has never known with Patrick. She didn’t know it could be like this and she buzzes for what seems like hours afterwards. She worries that it must somehow be visible on her face or in her body language. She wonders if Patrick will sense it, even though she showers vigorously after each occasion.

  But they have only used the Travelodge once. After that, Emil took Laura to his house. It is the house he shared with his mother and in which he had lived with his second wife, so it feels strange at first. However, it becomes familiar after a while and she is able to go into the kitchen for a drink of water or look at her face in the bathroom mirror without feeling the presence of other women, judging her for her wild and irresponsible actions. She knows they are right, she is being wild and irresponsible but she can’t stop it now. She yearns for what Emil provokes in her, especially when she can’t have it.

  Sometimes there are days, even a week when it is impossible to meet. If Mum is calm and well, Emil’s mother will be agitated and he will need to stay to ensure she eats. If Emil’s mother is asleep, Mum may be confused or even in a good mood and wanting to talk or wander round the garden. Then Laura’s passion, strong though it is, is overwhelmed by the guilt she knows she would feel if she left, and she has to give that little shake of the head that only Emil will understand. There is no pattern to their affair and no promise of a more certain future. But it is wildly exciting for all that and Laura feels energised and powerful. It is as if all her nerve endings are closer to the surface, as if all her neurons are super-charged. She doesn’t even think about the future but resolves to enjoy every second of pleasure she can grab while she can.

  September and October pass in this way. It is Kelly who raises the issue of Christmas one Sunday when they are all together. Mum has eaten well and is sitting quietly, watching the children who are playing on Patrick’s iPad. She has regained most of the weight she lost when she was ill and has not had any violent episodes for some time.

  “We could have her at ours,” says Laura. Patrick’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead and he casts a sharp look at Laura, but she continues. “I would need to talk to Patrick and the people at Cavendish, of course, but it will probably be the last time she’s well enough for a family Christmas. I’m not suggesting everyone comes for the whole day, but ...”

  As Patrick says later, once you say something like that, it’s hard not to do it. He is not keen on the idea, not keen at all, but now everyone will know it is his fault if they decide against it. Laura accepts she has been manipulative but she puts an arm around him and thanks him with a kiss on the cheek. She is becoming quite good at maintaining two physical relationships. She has taken note of something she once read in a novel, about a woman who alerted her husband to her affair by muddling up what she did with whom. So she continues to respond when Patrick rolls over and runs his finger down her spine. She goes through the motions and keeps him happy. Her own pleasure is reserved for her times with Emil.

  Patrick grumbles but the arrangements for Christmas are all agreed. Kelly will bring their mother to Laura’s house in time for dinner, and then Robin and his family will drive across for an hour or so later in the day. They will also take her back to Cavendish House on their way home. In that way, there will always be plenty of support for Laura and only two extra people for the Christmas meal. Mum will see all her immediate family for Christmas and even Patrick has to concede it would be difficult to imagine leaving her to have dinner with strangers whilst they all enjoyed themselves here.

  Laura tells Emil about these arrangements when they are still snuggled up in his bed. They often lie and talk for a while, whilst their heart-rates slow and their bodies relax, fold back into their normal states. She asks what he will do on Christmas Day, but she knows the answer as soon as she has formed the words. Of course he will go to Cavendish House and help his mother to eat. Or, if she is in a bad way, he will eat with the residents and staff and while away an hour or so before going back to this empty house. A wild thought occurs to her. What if she could slip away for a couple of hours and come to see him? But she knows this is nonsense. This is where the cycles do not and cannot meet, or she will risk losing everything.

  “Poor you,” she says.

  It is strange that they start to take more risks as Christmas approaches. Or maybe it isn’t, as the opportunities to get together seem to be decreasing all the time. The bad weather means they can hardly ever sit together without being in earshot of one of the staff. This means they can only speak in platitudes or about Alzheimer’s and its effects, and they have to avoid smiling too much. Their emotional lives have developed alongside their enjoyment of each other’s bodies and they miss their intimate conversations almost as much as the sex.

  Added to that, Emil’s mother seems to be frailer by the day and she is now confined to a wheelchair. There are plenty of staff around to care for her, but Emil spends more and more hours tending to her and Laura can hardly complain at that. She only hopes someone will love her this much when she is old. But it has meant that more than a week has gone by and they have hardly had a moment to themselves, let alone spent any precious time at his house.

  “I have to go in a minute,” Laura says on the ninth day in a row they have had no physical contact. “Walk me out to the car?”

  So Emil follows her out to the car park. They pretend to be talking about a book he has promised to lend her and has left in his car. The car park is empty and they look around, then fall upon each other for a few seconds before pulling apart again.

  “Oh, God. This is so hard,” he says.

  “Is it?” she says with a quick glance downwards and a smile.

  “Naughty girl! Stop it, or I will have to kiss you again and we mustn’t. Go h
ome before I change my mind.”

  So Laura goes home, but not before he has kissed her once more. They seem to find reasons to be in the car park together quite frequently from then. Sometimes Emil will happen to arrive at the same time as Laura and, if he has parked away from the security camera, she will wander across to his car before they go in. Or he will go out to his car a few minutes before he knows she is due to leave. Sometimes they only talk, but it is becoming so difficult not to touch each other, not to hold each other’s gaze like lovers do, that these moments in the car park take on a new significance. They tell each other what they will do the next time they are together. He tells her she is beautiful and she tells him how he makes her feel. It feels both innocent and dangerous and it is all they can do not to grab each other and kiss, with her resting on the bonnet of his car and him pressed against her. Instead they limit themselves to a little secret hand-holding as this is as risky as they dare to be.

  Laura does not even register the old blue Volvo as it swings into the car park with a rattle, as she is facing the other way and her eyes are fixed on Emil. Maybe Emil notices it, just for moment. But he does not know Kelly drives an old blue Volvo and he is concentrating on what Laura is saying. He is holding her hand and gently rubbing her soft skin with his thumb. Even this simple action feels erotic and highly charged. Maybe this is why Kelly is able to get quite close before they notice her.

  There is absolutely no point in denying it now. Kelly tells Laura she will talk to her later and goes straight in, but it is clear that she saw enough.

  “This is all my fault,” says Emil sadly. Suddenly they are feet apart.