The Art of Forgetting

by McLaren, Julie

  “No it’s not, it’s our fault if it’s anybody’s fault at all, and it was my choice,” she replies. She tells him not to worry. She is sure Kelly will understand. In any case, Laura has kept enough secrets for her in the past, but she feels utterly sick as she drives to the children’s school and it is all she can do to maintain a pretence of normality. She asks about their day, but they could be describing being chased round the playground by a dinosaur for all she knows of their response.

  Back home, she keeps her phone close and waits for Kelly’s text but it doesn’t come. There is no choice, she will have to call her so she puts the children to bed and tells Patrick she is going over to the house for an hour. In fact she only drives to Sainsbury’s, where she parks in a far corner and switches off the headlights before making one of the longest and most difficult phone calls she can remember.

  “I just don’t see how you can behave like this!” says Kelly. “It’s not like you’re still twenty or something. You’ve got two kids!”

  “I know how many children I have,” replies Laura. She is trying to remain calm but there is no stopping Kelly.

  “I’m sure you do, but I don’t think you’re putting them first. You have responsibilities and you’re not only putting your marriage at risk. How would those kids feel if you and Patrick split up?”

  “I’m not putting anything at risk,” says Laura. “I’m not going to leave Patrick. It probably won’t even last that long, but my life revolved around everyone else but me before this, surely you can see that, Kelly? I’m just having a bit of fun, taking a bit of support and pleasure where I can get it.”

  “But it’s the wrong kind of support. It’s irresponsible.”

  “You’ve got a cheek, Kelly, lecturing me about responsibilities. I know you’re not married, but you haven’t been exactly faithful at times, have you? And what about that married man – Adam, wasn’t it? Didn’t he have kids? I think you need to look at your own life before telling me how to lead mine!”

  It takes a while for the conversation to recover from this low point, but recover it does. Laura tells Kelly how difficult it has been with Patrick, how unemotional he is, how he never asks her what she is feeling or if she needs any support. She apologises for losing her temper and says she knows that Kelly is only saying all this because she cares.

  “No-one will get hurt, I promise, not unless you tell Patrick. Please don’t, Kelly. You’d be the one splitting up the family if you did, not me.”

  Laura knows this is not fair but it works and Kelly agrees, reluctantly, to say nothing for the moment. However, she says that she won’t guarantee to remain quiet if Laura continues in the same way, so she needs to think about that. Laura agrees, but vows secretly that the only change will be to how they behave in public. Nothing is going to stop her seeing Emil when she can. Those stolen moments are like a drug and she cannot even think of giving them up.

  Chapter 14

  Christmas approaches and Laura begins to think it may work out fine. The consultant has put Mum on some different medication and there are signs that it may be slowing her deterioration, although they have been warned this could be a coincidence and everything could change in the blink of an eye. She rarely fails to know Laura or Kelly and she is mostly quite calm. Of course it has made no difference to her memory of recent events and she still talks about going home or going shopping, but they are used to this now and they can cope. That’s the best you can hope for, says Laura to Emil one day. If things are just good enough for you to be able to cope, that’s OK.

  The signs are not good for Emil’s mother, though. They are sitting in the day room about a week before the children break up from school and she can see that Emil is worried. He is doing what he always does at these times, trying to make light of it. He is telling a story about his mother and how she used to make an annual grand tour of all her friends and ex-colleagues, many of whom lived along the south coast.

  “She was living in Essex at the time,” he says. “It was before she moved in with me, but I was getting a bit worried about her driving all that way. However, she wasn’t a woman you could tell what to do, were you Mother?” He looks across at her. She is stick-thin and her head has flopped over to one side. Laura waits. Is he going to tell the rest of this story or is it all too much? He straightens up and gives himself a little shake.

  “Anyway, off she went, and I didn’t hear anything for the whole five days, but I hadn’t expected to. I only started to worry when she hadn’t got home by about nine-thirty that night. I’d gone up to her place to make sure she was OK when she got back. I was about to start phoning the police when she turned up, white as a sheet. I got her in and made her a cup of tea, then she started a long rant about the Dartford Crossing. ‘I told them,’ she said. ‘I’ve already paid to go through here once, I’m not paying twice! So they let me through. Ridiculous people. Who do they think they are?’ That’s when I realised I would have to do something to stop her driving. I reckon she’d driven round the whole M25 and come back to the same place. Then she blamed the people at the barrier. Classic!”

  Laura chuckles. It is clear that Emil wants her to. He is not being unkind. You have to let yourself laugh at what dementia does sometimes, especially when it is too late to worry about what might have happened. She remembers taking Patrick over to her mother’s house and distracting her whilst he did something to her little car. She would have killed someone if they hadn’t, the speed she drove around those country lanes, and she was taking little or no notice of road signs. Of course she asked about it, wanted to get it repaired, but then events took over and it didn’t matter any more. But still, Laura can remember how guilty she felt about all those lies.

  On the last day of term, Laura manages to catch Emil alone and they sneak out of the front gates and round the corner to the bus stop. It is freezing and there is a fine, icy drizzle in the air that covers their hair and coats in a film of tiny, shimmering droplets. Emil enfolds her in his arms and they kiss. Laura thinks they are like teenagers, but with none of the freedom that comes with youth.

  “You know I probably won’t see much of you for the next couple of weeks?” she says sadly.

  “Hm, I’d worked that out. Bloody school holidays. Why can’t they be in school all the time? But don’t worry, I’ll be waiting for you when you come back, and I may be here at night if Mother doesn’t improve. Maybe we’ll bump into each other in the car park one lovely cold evening!”

  So they kiss again. It’s a goodbye kiss, a potent combination of sadness, regret and pleasure. Laura thinks they are going to have to find a better way to see each other, but they will address that after Christmas. For now, she will put this to one side, or at least save it for the moments she has to herself, when everyone else is asleep and she can imagine it is Emil’s back next to hers and she can put her arm round him, run her fingers through the curly hairs on his chest and wait for him to respond.

  On Christmas Day, she awakes early, but not earlier than Ricky, who is standing in the doorway like a spectre and makes her jump.

  “Is it morning yet?” It is six o’clock.

  “Well, I suppose it is, just about, but don’t wake everyone else yet,” she whispers. She sends him to get his stocking and they creep downstairs to sit in front of the Christmas tree. She turns on the tree lights but only one wall light, so the effect is magical. But Ricky is shivering, so she runs upstairs to get his dressing gown and there is Lily, standing on the landing, rubbing her eyes.

  “Get your stocking and go in to your dad,” says Laura, then she goes down and tells a bewildered Ricky that the plan has changed and they all cram themselves into the bed, waking up Patrick in the process. Then there are squeals and oohs of pleasure. There is wrapping paper all over the bed and in it too. There are cuddles and kisses and tickles, with more squeals, more laughter. Laura feels as if she is in a warm cocoon of love and she holds her children tight; she tells them she loves them.

  Patrick is
up on one elbow. He is still a little bleary-eyed but he looks happy too. “What about me?” he says.

  “Yes, I love you too,” she says without thinking, leaning across Ricky to kiss him. She misses his lips and they bump noses and laugh.

  “Yuk!” says Ricky, and Lily makes a puking sound, her face screwed up. Laura does not know where that little moment came from, but somehow it doesn’t seem to matter. Perhaps she does love Patrick, but in a different way.

  Everyone is still in high spirits when Kelly arrives with their mother at about midday. They have let the children open some of their presents, but most of them are still under the tree, waiting for everyone to be together. Lily has spent ages sorting them into piles, and now there are more to add as Kelly is laden with carrier bags. Laura bought vouchers for all the grandchildren when it became clear that Mum had no idea who they were, let alone what to buy them, and she seemed to think this was a good idea at the time.

  They sit down in the lounge and Lily starts to hand out the gifts.

  “This is for you, Mummy. This is for Ricky. Kelly, this one’s for you and this is yours, Granny.”

  Lily turns back to find Patrick’s pile of presents and then there is a cry.

  “Oh no! I’ve left all the presents at home! The presents for the children! They’re on the hall table. Kelly, will you drive me home to get them?”

  Laura tells her mother that she hasn’t bought presents this year. She reminds her of the conversation they had about vouchers, although part of her knows this is futile. She even gets Lily to find the vouchers and pass them to her grandmother, but nothing works.

  “I know I bought presents. I bought them in that big shop – you know the one, Laura. The one with Father Christmas in his grotto at the back. I took you and Robin to see him and then I bought the presents. I had to hide them from you.”

  The children are beginning to look alarmed. Their grandmother is clearly agitated and not making a lot of sense. She keeps standing up then sitting down again, waving her hands. Her voice is raised.

  Laura looks across at Kelly and gives her a meaningful look. “Kelly, maybe Mum left them in the car. Why don’t you go and look there first?”

  Kelly jumps up and Laura follows her out of the room.

  “Look, I’ve got a couple of presents for Robin’s kids upstairs. I’ll take the tags off and bring them down, then you pretend you’ve found them in the car. It won’t matter that they’re not suitable. Just give me a minute to explain to the kids.”

  So Laura rushes upstairs to get the presents whilst Kelly pretends to go to the car. Then she calls the children with some excuse and explains that Granny is getting upset and they are just going to pretend these are her presents to make her happy again. The children nod seriously and then they all return to the lounge, Kelly carrying the presents.

  “Look Mum, I found them! They were in the car all the time!”

  The children do a magnificent job of opening presents bought for boys of ten and twelve and pretending to love them and all is calm again, but Laura has an anxious feeling as she goes to help Patrick in the kitchen. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all.

  However, dinner is an almost complete success. Patrick even calls it a triumph and asks everyone to raise their glasses to Laura. There is one potentially difficult moment when Lily gets up and goes to the cutlery drawer to give her Granny a knife and fork without noticing that she already has them. Fortunately, she thanks her and carries on eating with her fingers, serenely unaware of how incongruous this seems and how everyone is contriving not to look in her direction. Otherwise, three courses are served and eaten without incident, then there are some more presents to open whilst Patrick loads the dishwasher and clears the table.

  The last event of the traditional Christmas Day in Laura’s house is a quick walk around the park. This takes place every year, almost regardless of the weather. Although the children always moan, they return with rosy cheeks and without the tensions that might have been building with the excitement of the day. It is dry, but the sky is heavy, so they walk briskly, Kelly holding their mother’s arm and chatting to her in case she becomes confused by this change of scene.

  They are on their way home when it starts to rain. They are only a few minutes from the house, but it is quite a heavy downpour and they rush back, the children shrieking and Kelly and Laura taking one of their mother’s arms each, propelling her along between them. They all crowd into the hall, dripping and struggling out of their wet coats. Laura takes the children upstairs to change as they have splashed in puddles and soaked their socks, and Kelly goes into the downstairs toilet to find a hand towel for her hair. Nobody thinks about Mum, at least not until Patrick comes into the lounge and finds her standing in the middle of the room wearing almost nothing from the waist down.

  Unfortunately, Robin and his family arrive just as Patrick has left the room in a state of shock. He lets them in, but it is some time before Kelly and Laura persuade their mother to get dressed again. The bottoms of her trouser legs are wet, but she refuses to wear a pair of Laura’s old gym trousers or a number of other perfectly good substitutes. Meanwhile, Robin, Beth and the boys are being entertained in a kitchen that still bears the scars of a whole day of cooking. It is all horrible, and Laura and Kelly run in and out of the lounge with an ever-growing selection of clothes until at last their mother agrees to wear Laura’s dressing gown until her trousers are dry.

  “Welcome to my world,” says Laura to Robin when they are finally seated in the lounge.

  It is over a week before the children are due back to school. Life has returned to relative normality, with Patrick back at work for a couple of days before New Year. Kelly has gone away for a short break at Laura’s insistence. She is resigned to the fact that she will probably not see Emil until after New Year. That is, she is resigned at first but then a little idea begins to worm its way into her mind. What if she were to go and visit Mum one evening? And what if Emil happened to be there at the same time? And what if she decided to pop over to her mother’s house on the way back to make a list of things that still needed to be done before Wendy’s arrival? No-one would know that Emil had followed her in his car and parked around the corner. It is unlikely that even Lydia would be spying out of her conservatory in the dark.

  And so the little idea becomes a big idea. Laura buys a card with hearts on the front and writes, ‘Missing you so much!’ in big letters on the inside. Then, in smaller letters, she outlines her plan. The assignation, for that is what it is, is to take place on the day before New Year’s Eve if he can make it. If his mother is well enough to be left. If, if, if. If only, she thinks.

  She can hardly think about anything else by the time the day comes. Patrick has agreed to be back in time to put the children to bed and she is wearing casual clothes.

  “I might even give the bathroom another coat,” she says. Patrick nods, and then she is off, with her heart beating like crazy and butterflies in her stomach. It has been such a long time. If this works, it may be the answer for future meetings, at least until Wendy arrives. She gives a little shiver and forces herself to concentrate on the road.

  Everything falls nicely into place as her visit progresses. Mum is yawning in front of the TV and Laura tells Ruby that she doesn’t see much point in trying to keep her awake. At the same time, Emil’s mother has been put to bed for the night. She doesn’t really communicate with Emil at all now, but he never leaves until she is sound asleep. Laura hangs around in the day room, pretending to look for her phone although it is safely in her handbag, and then Emil appears. They act out a polite little scenario.

  “Oh, hello! How are you? How’s your mum?”

  “Oh, she’s not too bad thanks. She’s a bit tired though, so I’m leaving now.”

  “Me too. Mother’s asleep. Shall I walk you to your car?”

  Laura’s excitement is mounting to ludicrous proportions. This is like something out of a film. They are star-crossed lovers, kept
apart by cruel fate. Their passion knows no bounds. By the time they get to the car park she can barely contain herself, but they climb into their cars. Emil has the address in case she loses him, but he keeps close and she slows at every junction to ensure they stay together. When she gets to the village, she pulls up and jumps out. She tells Emil how to get to the back of the house and then drives to park at the front.

  Once inside, she opens the back door and watches out for Emil. She creeps down the path when she sees him and ushers him inside. There are no lights on in Lydia’s house so she may be away, but she holds a finger to her lips and they say nothing until the door is closed. Then they grab each other. It is lucky that the kitchen is not over-looked, as they are pulling at each other’s clothes before they even think about it and they never make it upstairs.

  That is the last time Laura sees Emil, although she does visit her mother once more before the children return to school. She scans the car park for his car when she arrives, and looks up whenever anyone enters the room but it is never him. She doesn’t see his mother either. However, she comforts herself with the thought that it will all return to normal once the children are back at school and she can visit during the day. Then they will work something out. There is always a solution and she is not willing to stop at the moment. Not yet. Not when it is so thrilling and she feels like a young woman again; an attractive young woman at that.

  At last, the school holidays are over and Laura prepares to see Emil. There is no question in her mind that he will be there. He is always there during the day. He does as much of the caring as the nurses and she has never known him take a holiday or make any kind of excuse not to come. She remembers their last time together, the frantic joy of it. She wants it to happen again, and today might be the day.

  But his car is not in the car park. Her heart sinks and a worried feeling appears in her stomach. Has something happened to him? She walks to the gate, and is about to enter the code when it opens and it is Emil who has opened it. He is struggling with a box and she holds the gate to let him through. She smiles up at him, but her smile is wiped away in a second by what she sees. Emil looks terrible. His eyes are puffy and red-ringed and his usually tanned skin looks grey. It does not take Laura long to work out what has happened, but she doesn’t know what to say.