The Oberon Anthology of Contemporary Irish Plays

by Thomas Conway

  DAN makes to leave.

  DAN: Would you even know how to be happy Paula? If it landed in your kitchen, would you know how to let your guard down? Would your heart recognise happiness? Or is it too far gone for that?

  He exits.

  SCENE FIFTEEN

  PAULA’s kitchen. STEPH and ROXANNA sit at the table – they should seem younger than ever. PAULA hovers around.

  ROXANNA: Paula?

  PAULA: What?

  ROXANNA: Did you hate being pregnant?

  PAULA: No, why?

  STEPH: I would. I’d hate the gettin’ fat.

  PAULA: You wouldn’t. Your mind does be elsewhere.

  ROXANNA: Do you get used to it?

  PAULA: No. But you move with it. You take it as it comes.

  ROXANNA: And what else?

  PAULA: You worry…

  ROXANNA: Yeah?

  STEPH: Do you be cryin’ an’ all?

  PAULA: You’ll worry about the baby.

  STEPH: It’s heart and it’s health an’ all?

  PAULA: All of it. You’ll stay awake at night wondering what’s going on with your body and if you’re doing all the things you should be doing, like not drinkin’ or smokin’ or eatin’ greasy crap or anything like that. Its health yeah, you’ll be thinking of its health a lot. But you’ll have other worries as well.

  ROXANNA: Yeah?

  PAULA: Like you’ll worry about Fitzy. You’ll think everything through at the weirdest hours. The night time. The dead of night. The time when no one else is awake or thinking, you’ll be thinking of Fitzy. Will he be there for me? Stick around like? Will he make a good father? Will we have enough? Will a baby turn him off me? Me body…and all of that. The crying. The sleepless nights. Shitty nappies. Some fellas are not able for that.

  ROXANNA: Fitzy is. He will be.

  STEPH: You won’t know ’til you pop but.

  PAULA: But you’ll also be saying…in the back of your head… you’ll be saying…and you won’t let yourself think it out properly…you’ll push this to the back, but you’ll be thinkin’: do I want to spend me life with this fella? Like, is this me now? Is this the lot?

  ROXANNA: And do you be cryin’ an’ all?

  STEPH: What about cravin’s? D’you be eatin’ coal an’ all?

  PAULA: Never had coal now…but I put tomato sauce all over ice-cream once.

  ROXANNA: Fuckin’ hell Paula!

  STEPH: Would you do it again Paula?

  PAULA: Don’t know love. Never say never, you know that way?

  ROXANNA: With the right fella you would.

  PAULA: Would I?

  ROXANNA: I think you would Paula. If you loved him, and he loved you and it felt right…you would.

  STEPH: Did it feel right the other times?

  ROXANNA: It must have done.

  PAULA: It did yeah.

  ROXANNA: It must have.

  PAULA: But feelin’ that, that feelin’…it’s not enough either… you know? Later on…it’s not enough…you…you never stop worrying. You tie yourself in knots. Hate yourself sometimes. Get all tangled up with the world askin’ why did I bring life into this? Why was I so selfish? How can I look after these kids? And for yourself as well, ye know: who is gonna look after me? Yeah…you have to ask yourself…who is gonna look after me?

  STEPH: I’ve to go home. Me Da has me on a curfew. Says in all seriousness that he wants me tagged with one of those electric bracelets.

  PAULA: He knows you’re not a bad young one.

  STEPH: Thanks Paula.

  STEPH makes to leave.

  See you in school on Monday?

  ROXANNA: Unfortunately.

  STEPH: Breslin is gonna piss when he see’s you. See yiz.

  STEPH leaves. ROXANNA calls after her.

  ROXANNA: Breslin wants puttin’ on that sex offender’s list.

  PAULA: You all set?

  ROXANNA: Me Ma said, take a taxi, and she’ll pay for it.

  PAULA: She’s spoilin’ ye.

  ROXANNA: She’s bein’ all weird. All carin’ an all.

  PAULA: And Fitzy?

  ROXANNA: Don’t talk to me about that young fella. He’s like a bleedin’ lap dog. Between text messages and teddy bears. Like, give a girl some space to breathe.

  PAULA: That’s fellas for ye!

  ROXANNA grabs her bag from the hallway.

  ROXANNA: Fellas nothin’ – Fitzy’ll get a kick in the nuts if he keeps it up. I’m an independent woman me.

  PAULA stands and stares at ROXANNA.

  I’m scared Paula.

  PAULA: I know. But you did the right thing you know?

  ROXANNA: Yeah? Why’s that?

  PAULA: ’Cos you’d a mind of your own and that’s a rare thing.

  PAULA and ROXANNA embrace. A long loving hug. ROXANNA makes to leave.

  Go easy on ’er yeah?

  ROXANNA: I’ll be like a sister of the immaculate conception.

  You wait and see Paula.

  ROXANNA leaves.

  See ya.

  She’s gone.

  PAULA: Love you.

  PAULA moves around her kitchen slowly. She touches surfaces, opens the fridge, closes it. She packs a load into the washing machine. She grabs a cloth and starts cleaning surfaces. JEAN’s voice is heard offstage:

  JEAN: (Off-stage.) Paula?

  PAULA pauses for a long time, taking in her kitchen.

  JEAN: Paula?

  PAULA opens her window.

  PAULA: What?

  JEAN: That’s me…

  PAULA: What love?

  JEAN: (Barely audible.) I said…that’s me…

  PAULA: Speak up – I can’t hear ya.

  JEAN: I said that’s me love. I’m off… The last van load just left.

  I called down to ya earlier but you was out.

  This is it.

  This is the end.

  PAULA takes a sharp intake of breath.

  Whaaaat?

  PAULA fights back tears maybe.

  PAULA: Nothin’ love. I’ll miss yiz is all.

  JEAN: Right back at you sister.

  PAULA is left onstage alone. The lights fade.

  Finish.

  I ALICE I

  BY

  AMY CONROY

  All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved and application for performance etc. should be made before commencement of rehearsal to the Author c/o Oberon Books Ltd. No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained, and no alterations may be made in the title or the text of the play without the author’s prior written consent.

  I ALICE I

  Written and directed by: Amy Conroy

  Developed with: Clare Barrett

  Cast:

  ALICE KINSELLA

  Amy Conroy

  ALICE SLATTERY

  Clare Barrett

  Additional credits listed below as applicable for each production.

  2010 Dublin Fringe Festival

  22–25 September 2010

  Produced by: HotForTheatre

  Venue: The New Theatre

  RTÉ Radio 1

  8pm on 22 May 2011

  Presented by: Drama on One and HotForTheatre

  Producer: Kevin Brew

  Dublin Theatre Festival 2011 ReViewed

  Autumn 2011

  A showcase of successful Irish productions restaged in partnership with Culture Ireland and Irish Theatre Institute, touring venues around Dublin.

  Designer: Ciarán O’Melia

  Producer: Maria Fleming

  Venues and Dates:

  Civic Theatre 29 September–1 October

  Project Arts Centre (Cube) 4–9 October

  Draíocht Studio 10–12 October

  Pavilion Theatre, Dún Laoghaire 14–15 October

  Abbey Theatre

  30 January–18 February 2012

  Sound Designer: Jack Cawley

  Set and Lighting Designer: Ciarán O’Melia

  Producer: Maria Fleming
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  This show is fictional but presented as a documentary piece.

  Both of the ‘Alices’ have been working with the director for nearly a year. They have been questioned and interviewed, directly and indirectly, alone and together. It has been a balancing act, keeping them happy and onboard. They are not actors, so performing live is a huge challenge for them. They are nervous and, at times, vaguely reluctant.

  The ‘play’ between the actors portraying the Alices is the unwritten script. The little prompts, encouraging glances, reluctance to speak on some subjects, light bolstering touches, stuttering, getting lost, forgetting words, the undeniable nerves.

  The director and set designer will try to make the Alices comfortable on stage. They will have a table and chairs from the Alices’ house centre stage, along with other bits and pieces (books, tea/coffee, cake, record player, postcards, photos, religious statue). There are obvious marks on the stage floor so the Alices know where their marks are.

  The walls are covered with notes and transcripts from the interviews and the making of the show. There is a ‘map’ of the show, and a script, on the back wall… The Alices refer to it and can use it if they get lost or stuck.

  Music plays: ‘I Only Want to Be with You’, Dusty Springfield.

  ALICE SLATTERY and ALICE KINSELLA enter the stage. They are both nervous, this is obvious. They stand awkwardly on their downstage mark and look at the audience. Music fades.

  A. SLATTERY: Walk on, and stand facing the audience.

  A. KINSELLA: Look at the audience.

  A. SLATTERY: Look left, look right. Take them all in.

  A. KINSELLA: They are not your enemies, they are your friends.

  A. SLATTERY: There is nothing to be nervous about.

  A. KINSELLA: Breath. Smile. Relax. (They attempt this, look uncomfortable, and fail.)

  A. SLATTERY: Just say the words as you said them to me. As we rehearsed them.

  A. KINSELLA: If you get lost or stuck, stop, find your place on the map and carry on.

  A. SLATTERY: Have fun.

  A. KINSELLA: Enjoy yourself.

  A. SLATTERY: Don’t panic.

  A. KINSELLA: Have fun.

  They glance at each other; one subtly nods at the other to start.

  A. KINSELLA: She tuts loudly when people drop litter. (A. SLATTERY tuts.)

  A. SLATTERY: She expects people to move out of her way.

  A. KINSELLA: I often say, ‘ahh that’s bass.’

  A. SLATTERY: I watch Nationwide, and I think Michael Ryan is handsome.

  A. KINSELLA: I like Turkish Delight…and rice pudding.

  A. SLATTERY: I like a crease down the middle of my slacks.

  A. KINSELLA: She eats marmalade on cheddar cheese.

  A. SLATTERY: I wear ‘stockings’, and call a ‘dint’ a ‘dint’… A ‘dent’ a ‘dint’ (Confuses herself.) …I say ‘dint’.

  A. KINSELLA: I always finish the first layer before moving down to the second.

  A. SLATTERY: She has a post office account.

  A. KINSELLA: I boil tea towels on the cooker.

  A. SLATTERY: I consider chocolate biscuits a luxury.

  A. SLATTERY: I have never, and will never have my hair set. We don’t go for ‘spins’; we count our own change and carry our own bags. We shop for groceries, not ‘messages’.

  A. KINSELLA: We normally go to Superquinn on Sundrive, better fresh fruit and veg. Failing that, Marks in Dundrum, but that’s really an excuse for two packets of Percy Pigs and maybe the cinema, provided we bought nothing frozen. I made that mistake once and had Ben and Jerry’s all over the boot. So I don’t really know why we ended up in Crumlin Shopping Centre.

  A. SLATTERY: The phone rang.

  A. KINSELLA: Oh yes, Alice said she had a headache and then I got a phone call from my niece, which delayed us. At that stage traffic would have been a nightmare, so we figured Crumlin Shopping Centre was closer. I was hungry and we had nothing nice.

  A. SLATTERY: I had made spaghetti bolognese the night before, there was plenty left. It was raining and Who Do You Think You Are? was on at nine. I really didn’t want to go shopping.

  A. KINSELLA: I don’t really like her spaghetti bolognese.

  A. SLATTERY: I didn’t really have a headache.

  A. KINSELLA: We were cranky.

  A. SLATTERY: (Sharp look.) I very seldom lose my temper with her, but when she speaks for me it makes me very cross.

  A. KINSELLA: (Sighs.) Well, I was cranky. Alice is not normally moody, so I knew her headache must have been a bad one. I was trying to ease the tension and make her laugh by deliberately mispronouncing things: fajitas, ‘Dolmyo’ sauce, salmon darnes…

  Making Alice laugh is one of my favourite things; her eyes close up and sort of change colour, they go from green to turquoise…from matt to gloss. I always say she has ‘Dulux Weather Shield’ eyes…beautiful, but tough.

  The ice melted when I put the (Mispronounce deliberately.) Jalapeno relish in the trolley…

  A. SLATTERY: (Smirking/correcting.) Jalapeno… (Mispronounces it, both ALICEs laugh, she corrects herself.)

  A. KINSELLA: …And she smiled, a real smile, warm. I love that, when she smiles in spite of herself.

  I winked at her just to be cheeky and she laughed. There it was. I couldn’t help it, before I realized what I was doing… I kissed her, on the lips. By the marmalade.

  A. SLATTERY: She kissed me! She kissed me in the soup and canned goods aisle in Tesco. Jesus Christ.

  A. KINSELLA: I had a mild panic, I shocked myself. We’ve always been very discreet about things like that.

  A. SLATTERY: Very, very discreet.

  A. KINSELLA: It’s easier I suppose, safer that way. No backlash. We were always aware of what could happen, we could lose our jobs.

  A. SLATTERY: Public displays of affection. Our niece calls them PDAs.

  A. KINSELLA: I kind of stunned myself; I didn’t realize that I was doing it till I had done it. I scanned the aisle for stares or blushes, there were none. The place was fairly quiet and it looked like we got away with it. We skitted and laughed for ten minutes, with panic and relief. Alice was puce. We felt kind of liberated so I put a chocolate gateau into the trolley.

  A. SLATTERY: I lost the car keys; I’m always losing things. There’s a little tear in the lining of my handbag, and they had slipped inside. I found fifty euro in there once so I should have thought to look, but I wasn’t thinking straight, I was flustered and a little all over the place. I was sure I left them on the deli counter. Alice said she’d wait for me by the door; I’m always amazed at her patience.

  A. KINSELLA: I was still thinking about the kiss, so I told Alice I’d meet her at the exit.

  A. SLATTERY: The two ladies that cut the ham looked for them, I searched the flat fridge with all the ‘fancy’ cheese, anything other than Kilmeadan is fancy these days apparently, and a manager humoured me and checked to see if I had dropped them by the tills.

  I didn’t recognize the woman Alice was talking to when I came back, but they seemed to be having a serious conversation, she wrote her number down, and was off before I reached them.

  A. KINSELLA: ‘Please don’t panic,’ she said, ‘but I saw you two in Tesco. I saw your kiss and it was beautiful,’ Oh dear God I thought! ‘Bear with me, I’m not being weird, I’m an actor and a writer, I’ve wanted to make a show for a long time and you are exactly what I’ve been looking for. Can we sit and talk? I’d love to invite you to lunch or coffee? Here’s my number, please think it over. I’m not mocking you, there’s no ulterior motive, I promise.’

  She saw us, I was mortified. Alice was going to kill me.

  A. SLATTERY: Alice was flushed and her eyes were kind of electric, I can always tell when something has caught her attention. She was distracted, I told her that someone had handed the keys in to customer service; I don’t know why I lied.

  A. KINSELLA: I tried to explain the encounter, the conversation, to Alice in the car on the way home, I
think I was rambling; I couldn’t articulate what I was thinking… I didn’t really know what I was thinking. At first I thought the girl was having me on. Obviously she wanted something, but I couldn’t figure out what her angle was? Where was the catch, what was she up to? If I’m honest… something about her, something about what she said caught my attention. I believed her, I think?

  Both ALICEs move back, ALICE SLATTERY prompts ALICE KINSELLA subtly; they check the ‘map’ on the wall. They give each other a reassuring glance.

  A. KINSELLA: I’m Alice, and this is Alice.

  A. SLATTERY: I’m Alice, and this is Alice.

  A. KINSELLA: She’s Alice Slattery.

  A. SLATTERY: I’m Alice Slattery, and she’s Alice Kinsella.

  A. KINSELLA: I’m Alice Kinsella.

  A. SLATTERY: I was born on the 27th of May 1948.

  A. KINSELLA: I was born on the 20th of October 1946.

  A. SLATTERY: She’s two years older.

  A. KINSELLA: I’m one year and seven months older. This doesn’t really bother me.

  A. SLATTERY: (Pleased.) It bothered her when she turned forty.

  A. KINSELLA: It bothered me when I turned forty.

  A. SLATTERY: And fifty.

  A. KINSELLA: And fifty.

  A. SLATTERY: And sixty.

  A. KINSELLA: And sixty.

  A. SLATTERY: And other times in between. It annoys her.

  A. KINSELLA: It doesn’t annoy me.

  They both sit.

  A. SLATTERY: (Discreetly nods head, as if to say it does bother her.) We threw her a surprise party for her sixtieth, I invited all our family, friends and extended family. They were all really excited about it and made a huge effort, decorating the restaurant, blowing up balloons, Mary even made the cake. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Alice already knew about it. I told her what we were planning. I knew she’d be irritated with the idea of it, but that she’d love it in the long run. And I wanted her to seem pleased after all the effort that was put in. So I gave her a month’s notice, four weeks, to come around to the idea and work on her ‘surprised’ look. We had a great night, and Alice was spoiled rotten. She cried at the speeches, it was adorable.

  A. KINSELLA: Alice doesn’t seem to mind getting older, she’s always been way more philosophical than me. Even when we were younger she had an old head on young shoulders, she was an old soul, sensible. Or so she’d have you believe. I think I’m a little rash, and can seem a little impetuous next to her. She can be very cautious and considered. We had to sit down for a week with pen and paper to weigh out the pros and cons of ‘making the big switch’… From electricity to Airtricity. Lists, pros and cons…that’s how all her decisions are made. It makes total sense, but… Lord almighty.