He turned his head to face her with lightning speed. His eyes glowed golden with a fire in them that caused her to stumble back. She shook her head, ignoring the spike of fear that shot down her spine. “This isn’t who you are.”
“What makes you think that you know who I am?” He glared at her.
“Because I never fell for your bullshit. I never had blind faith.” She didn’t know why she said that to an almighty pissed off being, but it was Lucian. She knew this wasn’t who he really was. Lucian’s revenge was an elastic band whapping you in the face for all eternity, not a final, fiery death.
He stared at her in silence for a moment. Then he extinguished the ball of energy with a shake of his head. “You’re my fucking conscience, my curse,” he said to Dora. “Of all the cosmic jokes, how did I end up with you as my Jiminy fucking Cricket?”
“Just lucky I guess.” She shrugged.
“You’re all so… so fucking pathetic.” Elyssa shook her head. “The corporation told me to watch out for you. Fluffers told me that my greatest challenge would be Dora and her band of misfits. You even have God on your side, and you’re useless.” She expelled a crazy laugh. “You can’t even kill one angel!”
“Fucking an angel doesn’t make you into one.” Lucian said.
“Thank fuck for that,” Kieron muttered.
Lucian stared at him. “That just means that your mother isn’t one. You still are.” Then he waved his hand at Elyssa, and she disappeared, evaporating out of the room.
“Shit.” Kieron sighed and shook his head.
Twenty-Five
The Almighty Alarm
“What did you do to her?” Pooey cried, running over to the spot where she had been standing.
“I sent her to the place of happy endings. It’s full of psychopaths, sociopaths and evil masterminds. They all wanted a happy ever after, so I gave them exactly what they asked for.” Lucian displayed a smile that caused a shiver to shoot down Dora’s spine. She didn’t know where he’d sent Elyssa, but she was certain it wasn’t a happy place.
“Dude, you have the worst taste in women.” Lucian shook his head.
“You can’t just—” Pooey began.
“Yeah, I can. She broke my Heaven. I can kick her ass out of it.”
“If you’re God, why did you leave Heaven? Why is it so fucked up here? Why is the world so fuc—” Dora didn’t get to finish as Lucian held up his hand, silencing her.
“Hold on there. Once you go down that path, the questions never end, and your answer is just that. The questions never ended!” Lucian turned to face her. “Being creative is the worst curse, you know. I was just floating in the ether. I was happy. I could have stayed that way. But nooooo, I decided that I was going to create something beautiful. That’s when it always goes wrong, you know.”
He paced the room, his expression serious. He turned to face Dora, Kieron and Pooey. “Do you want to know why I left? Stupid fucking questions, that’s why. I created the world. I created everything, Heaven, Hell, angels and demons. I created people, the Earth, multitudes of complex ecosystems and lifeforms, and what did I get in return? Did anyone thank me? No! They fucking complained. Why does the washing machine steal a sock? Shouldn’t my ass be smaller? Why can’t I have more? On and on, my artwork became the land of fucking customer support, and I wasn’t even selling anything!”
“Even now, when I’m gone for thousands of years, these motherfuckers complain. Do you know how un-fucking-sexy it is to hear your name cried out every time someone fakes an orgasm?”
“So you just left?” Dora frowned at him.
“Hell yes, I left. I fucked it all off. I just created the place. A call center in India can deal with the customer support for all I fucking care! Enjoy the universe or don’t. I don’t give a shit. It’s free art, enjoy it while it lasts!”
“What do you mean, while it lasts?” Dora widened her eyes.
“Well, the latest narrative of capitalism is going to fuck it all up. People are being drugged by false narratives while the world is being destroyed around them. It probably won’t end well.” Lucian shrugged. “Still, if you sit in your fucking armchair watching The Briefcase while someone fracks under your house, and the house falls on top of you, you only have yourself to blame.”
“Why don’t you do something about all the death and destruction then?” Dora cried. “You have the power to fix everything. Aren’t you just sitting in your fucking armchair, watching The Briefcase?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Supernatural is much more my style,” Lucian muttered.
Dora raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I don’t give a fuck for it to sink in, but I really don’t give a fuck anymore. My days of trying to fix this shit are over. Do you want to know what helping gets you? It gets you more fucking complaints. They complained it was too hot, so I gave them an Ice Age, and they’re still fucking bitching about it!”
Kieron nodded. “They still complain about that in Hell too.”
“So, what, you’re just going to go back to Earth to get drunk until the world ends?” Dora asked. “That’s the grand plan?”
“Hey, I just created it. I’m not responsible for everyone in the universe.”
“Yes, you are!” Dora was about to flip her shit. She didn’t believe in much, but God was supposed to care. Even in her agnostic world, God was supposed to care about something.
“Why?” He frowned. “I created independent lifeforms. They can take care of themselves and each other. Why should I try when they don’t?”
“Why didn’t you make them want to try more?” Pooey asked. “Like, why not create a God’s call center and have like really annoying self-righteous music playing on it while they’re on hold? Why not make everyone give more of a shit?”
“Free will,” Lucian muttered. “I hard-coded them with free will. I can’t make them do shit they don’t want to, not really. Plus, I’m pretty sure working in God’s call center would be worse than Hell. That’d just be cruel.”
Pooey nodded. “It would make an awesome punishment in Hell.”
“This is ridiculous.” Dora turned on her heel. “Just get us the fuck out of here. You can do that, can’t you?” She glanced over her shoulder at Lucian. She couldn’t understand her disappointment. She’d never really believed in God anyway, but she’d been oddly looking forward to meeting him. Now that she had, she wasn’t sure she’d ever believe in anything again. The world really was fucked, and she wanted to make it better.
Apparently, it won’t be getting any better because God can’t be assed to fix it!
She spun around and scowled at him.
“What about the fucking Angel Guard. Don’t you control them?”
Kieron widened his eyes. “Why didn’t you stop the Angel Guard? All this time, you could have just commanded them to stop!”
“Fuck that. All this time, you could have clicked your fingers and brought Dora back to life. We didn’t even have to come here! What kind of god are you?” Pooey cried.
Lucian narrowed his eyes. Then he expelled a long, drawn-out sigh. “Do you honestly think I came back here by choice?”
“Why not? Your palace is here, oh mighty one.” Pooey scowled at him and folded his arms.
“Why didn’t use your powers to avoid coming here?” Dora asked, her interest piqued.
“Yeah, why go through all this bullshit?” Kieron added.
“Because I didn’t have my fucking powers!” Lucian shouted, his face turning red with anger and embarrassment. “That bitch stole them. How do you think she fucked up Heaven?”
“Huh?” Pooey frowned at him, but his next question was cut off as a loud alarm blared through the palace.
Dora jumped at the sound of the alarm, which gave off a high-pitched squeal that sent shock waves through her and caused a bubble of panic to swell in the back of her throat. “What the hell is that noise?” she shouted over the din.
; “Shit, it’s the Almighty Alarm.”
“What the fuck is that?” Pooey cried before covering his ears with his hands.
“It means that God has returned. They know I’m here,” Lucian muttered.
Twenty-Six
Genesis
Lucian waved his hand, and a window appeared in the wall where it had once been.
Dora stared out of the window, and she swallowed a bubble of panic as she watched thousands of angels landing on the lawn outside. The garden rapidly filled with the Angel Guard, the villagers and thousands of other angels. Even the cannibals were outside, snapping at nearby angels.
Her heart jumped in her chest when she saw Lillian thrown to her knees in front of the grotto by a massive member of the Angel Guard. The young angel still looked as if she had her mind, and there was fear in her big blue eyes as she looked at the palace, as if fearing the punishment that was to come.
But then, that’s what Heaven has been used as all this time hasn’t it, some kind of control device.
Lettuce landed on the lawn, staring blankly at the window as if he didn’t know why he was here.
“What are they going to do?” she asked.
The angels charged at the palace with a roar, some wielding weapons. The walls shook as they banged against them with their fists, screaming out for their God.
“Worship me to death,” Lucian muttered before he waved his hand, and the window disappeared again.
The palace shook from the riot outside it.
“What are we going to do?” Kieron stared at Lucian in horror. “Can’t you stop them?”
He scowled. “Not without my powers. And I don’t want them. I don’t want to be God anymore.”
“Clearly, you still are whether you want to be or not,” Dora said, pointing to the shaking wall as cracks began to appear in it.
He scowled. “I forgot about the stupid fucking alarm.”
“Well, thanks for that epiphany. Now, how do we get the fuck out of here?” Pooey asked.
Lucian frowned. “We can’t, not without my powers.” He studied Dora for a moment in silence. Then he sighed. “We need to find them.”
“I thought Elyssa stole them,” Kieron said.
“She did, but they can’t leave this place. They’re rooted here. We need to find them before the angels get in here.” Lucian jumped back as a large piece of masonry fell from the cracked ceiling and smashed into the spot he’d been standing in.
Dora peered up. The roof was cracking under the pressure of thousands of angels stampeding on it. “We better hurry before they get in here.” She flashed a warning look at Lucian. “I guess you’re going to have to take responsibility for your creation after all.”
“Yeah...” He looked away, shaking his head.
“Where do we start looking?” Pooey cried as another slab of marble smashed into the floor beside him.
“She was your fucking girlfriend! Where would she hide things?” Lucian shouted over the din of the angel riot, which was echoing around the room as more cracks appeared in the walls.
“I don’t fucking kno—” Pooey paused. “She liked creepy, dark places! Do you have like a dungeon or something?”
“There are underground tunnels.” Lucian nodded. “We’ll be safer down there too. Come on!”
He led them out of the kitchen into a crumbling foyer. Wild angel eyes peered through the broken wood in the door as they tried to break through it.
“Why are they fucking squeeing like a troop of teenage girls at a Bieber concert?” Pooey asked.
Lucian ignored the question as he pulled open the door beneath the sweeping staircase. “Stupid questions later,” he said as he waved them over.
They hurried down a stone staircase as Lucian closed the door behind them,
Dora glanced back to see him cast a spell over the door, sealing it with a golden light. Then he hurried after them into a dark abyss below.
Lucian clicked his fingers behind them, and the tunnel lit up with burning torches that were attached to the walls. “We’ll look in the main hall first.” He rushed past her, taking the lead and heading down the long tunnel.
There’s a main hall down here?
She hurried after him, glancing unsurely at the walls beside her. Hairline cracks were appearing in them with each shake of the building.
It must be complete chaos upstairs.
“You need to fix everything, Lucian. This shouldn’t be happening.” She called out after him, hurrying to keep up.
“Yeah, whatever,” he muttered.
“You have a responsibility to make everything right,” she said. “You know, that little feeling in your gut.”
He expelled a laugh as he turned to glance at her over his shoulder. “I don’t have a conscience, unless we’re considering you for the job.”
“But you said…” She trailed off.
“I said that you were my conscience. I don’t have one, but I don’t seem to be able to get rid of your nagging voice, do I?”
“I know a way you can get rid of it,” she said.
He looked hopeful for a moment.
“Do what I tell you to do, and I’ll shut up.”
He scowled. “Now, that’d be a fucking miracle.”
“I’m only trying to help.” She frowned at him. “You know I’m right.”
He studied her for a moment. “Maybe you can help, but first we need to get my powers.”
She nodded as they entered a massive old hall. It was dotted with broken statues and old pillars. Turning around she scanned the room, her eyes drawn to a glowing light at the back of the chamber. “Where would she have hidden it?”
Lucian stared at back of the room, appearing deep in thought as Kieron and Pooey ran through the entrance behind them.
“Hurry!” Kieron gasped, pointing behind him. “They’re coming!”
Dora glanced back to see the roof of the tunnel crumbling away outside the hall and thousands of angels clawing their way through the debris.
“What do we do?” she cried at Lucian.
He slowly turned and scanned the chaos ahead of him. Then he snapped out of his contemplation. “I’ll hold them back. You need to go and get that golden glowing thing for me.”
“I’ll get it,” Pooey said.
“No, I need you and Kieron to help me fight. Dora’s the weakest. She can get it for me.” He pointed to her. “Hurry!”
She nodded and then turned on her heel and raced down the hall toward the golden glow. Her pulse raced as she hurried away from the sounds of blasts behind her.
As she drew closer, she realized that the golden glow was coming from an object on top of an altar. It was contained inside a glass case, and it was a quill, a golden quill.
She rushed to the altar, glancing back over her shoulder to see that Lucian had created some kind of magical barrier that was holding back the armies of Heaven.
She turned to look at the quill. It was beautiful with intricate patterns across the golden feathers.
I guess it makes sense for a writer.
Jumping at the loud crash behind her, she spun around to see the ceiling cave in at the center of the hall. Giant stone slabs and broken walls crashed down, revealing a giant hole in the ceiling and blue skies above it. The palace must have been demolished above them.
Hundreds of angels swooped down into the room.
Without waiting to find out what they would do, she punched through the glass case, shattering it, and she grabbed the golden quill in her hand.
The world shifted, and her arm felt as if it had been electrocuted. She peered down to see it glowing with a golden light.
“Oh shit.”
In slow motion, she saw Kieron shouting her name. Angels ran past Lucian and made a beeline for her instead. Then a blast of golden light exploded out of her.
She caught a wry smile appearing on Lucian’s face as he turned toward her.
“Lucian, you fucking dick!” she cried as she lit up like a beaco
n, golden rays coming off her and filling the room in a blast of unbelievable power.
The forces of the universe coursed through her, and she screamed in agony.
Kieron stared in horror as Dora exploded into a ball of golden light. “No!” he cried, running toward her.
Lucian pulled him back, and he turned to glare at him. “What did you do to her?”
“Nothing. She’ll be fine.” He shrugged. “She wanted to fix the universe, so I let her.”
Kieron widened his eyes as he realized what Lucian had done. “No!” He pushed Lucian away from him and ran down the hall toward her.
The light faded from her, and she fell to her knees before the army of angels who were charging at her.
I’ll save her. I can save her. I can—
He froze when she looked up, and her eyes glowed with gold. Her form altered before his eyes, transforming into someone else. Dora disappeared and an angry old man with a long white beard stood in the place where Dora had once been.
The angels heading for her came to an unsure halt in front of Him.
God slowly stood up, never taking his fiery eyes off the creatures ahead of Him. Sunlight shone from beneath his skin, and electricity crackled in the air around Him.
Thousands of angels dropped to their knees before the being, bowing their heads in submission to their god.
Twenty-Seven
I Am Spartacus
Dora stared ahead at the hall full of angels while her body tingled with a rush of power. She felt as if she could fly. She felt as if she could do anything. It was the weirdest feeling she’d ever experienced. Power pulsed through her veins, and she could see it. In her mind, she could follow her own veins and see all the different cells doing different things. She could feel the fabric of the universe and see how it all worked. It was fucking bizarre.
Distracted by a million new senses, she tried to focus on the room, but everything in it was a living organism with complex threads weaving through them.
Kieron’s voice pierced through her daze, and she turned to focus on him, trying to listen to what he was saying, but there were so many voices coming from him.
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