Behind the Robe

by Barbara Sattler

  “My whole family is angry at you. Yours would be too if they found out. Killing is a sin.”

  “What’s going to happen when I get together with your family?”

  “They don’t want to see you.”

  “This is all your fault, Carlos. You didn’t have to tell your parents. It’s not their business. Look what you’ve done.”

  “Look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined our life.”

  Lourdes is quiet. She doesn’t know what to say. Anything she says will push them further apart. She feels Carlos stare at her. He gets up and puts his arms around her. Holds her tight. Strokes her hair. She can smell alcohol on his breath. She’s put off, but it’s been so long. She melts into his arms. It feels good to be held. He begins moving her toward the bedroom. Maybe this is what they need.

  They lay down on the bed. Carlos kisses her face, her neck.

  “Everything will be all right, baby.”

  “Wait a minute. I’ve got to get my diaphragm.”

  She gets up and goes into the bathroom. Opens the medicine cabinet. It’s not there. Had she moved it? She starts opening and shutting drawers. Nothing.

  Carlos opens the bathroom door. “Looking for this?” Carlos asks, her diaphragm case in his hand.

  “What are you doing with it?”

  He hands it to her. She goes back to the bathroom and opens the case. The last thing she feels like now is to be near him. As she takes out the diaphragm she can tell something’s not right. There’s a small puncture in the middle.

  “What did you do?” Lourdes screams.

  “I put a hole in it. Months ago.”

  “How could you? I hate. . .”

  “Say it, you hate me.”

  Lourdes knows she’s gone too far. She needs to get away from Carlos. The look on his face scares her. Her legs won’t move.

  “All I wanted was for us to have a baby,” Carlos says.

  “Yes, I want a baby too, but not yet,” she says in an attempt to placate him.

  “Come here, Lourdes,” Carlos says.

  “I don’t feel like it now.”

  “I don’t care how you feel. You’re my wife and you’ll do what I say.”

  “I don’t want to get pregnant.”

  “You won’t. You don’t think I know you’ve been on birth control pills. I’m not a moron. Now get over here.”

  Lourdes turns around toward the door. It’s locked. When was the last time anyone had locked the door? Before she could unlock it, Carlos grabs her and pushes her down on the bed.

  “No, Carlos, don’t.”

  “Shut up.” He rips at her blouse. Lourdes slaps him across the face. He grabs both her hands and holds them above her. He looks at her, his eyes filled with anger. He slaps her hard. She tastes blood. Lourdes lays there stunned. Carlos pulls off her bra, pants and underpants. She doesn’t fight. Closes her eyes. Tries to pretend this isn’t real. His hands move over her body. The same hands that made love to her, protected her—are assaulting her . . . And then he stops. Says nothing, but gets out of bed. She should get up, get dressed and get out but she’s afraid to move. She grabs the sheet and pulls it up to her neck.

  Carlos walks into the bathroom, sweat pouring off his body. For a moment he isn’t sure where he is. Who he is? He splashes cold water on his face. He isn’t in combat. He’s home. He’d hit Lourdes? Worse. He almost raped her. She’ll never speak to him again. His whole life is fucked. Things will never be the same. He grabs his clothes and gets dressed. Lourdes is still in bed. Her eyes closed. She probably can’t bear to look at him.

  He wants to talk to her. Explain what happened. He leaves.

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  Lourdes senses Carlos looking at her. “Please leave, please leave,” she repeats over and over to herself. After what seems like several minutes, but could have been seconds, she hears Carlos close the front door. She waits in bed. What if he comes back? She thinks she hears his car start. She waits in bed. A few more minutes, seconds pass. She gets up, grabs her robe, put in on and goes into the kitchen. Carlos isn’t there. She checks the garage. His car is gone.

  Only 9 :00 p.m.. She needs to talk to someone. If only Molly wasn’t such a mess. Without much thought, she dials.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi, Bev, it’s Lourdes.”

  “Something wrong. You don’t sound okay.”

  “I’m not. My husband, he . . . we had a fight.”

  “You need me to come over.”

  “You’d do that?”

  “Of course. See you in about 10 minutes.”

  “Do you know where I live?”

  “Yeah, I dropped you off once, remember? Make a left one street east of the Jack-in-the-Box.”

  “Right, make a left. See you soon.”

  Lourdes pulls on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Puts on water for tea and begins defrosting some cookies Molly had given her. Molly’s sister Rose had made them. Molly never made cookies. Molly had given them to her because she was dieting. For Jared. God, would that girl ever learn. She straightens up the kitchen and throws some debris into the bedroom.

  In less than ten minutes Bev is there.

  “Thanks for coming. I feel horrible bothering you. You were probably getting ready for bed.”

  “It’s Friday night. Not that I had anything to do. I’m a night owl. I’m glad you called. You okay?”

  “Yes,” Lourdes says.

  “Did he hit you?”

  Lourdes says nothing. “Lourdes, I can see marks on your face.”

  “I hit him first. It was my fault.”

  “Why did you hit him?”

  “I can’t tell you.” Lourdes begins to cry.

  Bev hugs her. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Okay.”

  “Do you want to talk about what’s going on in general.”

  “We just haven’t been getting along.”

  “I know how that is. I wasn’t good at marriage, but it got me a terrific son.”

  “Carlos wants me to get pregnant. Now. He doesn’t seem to realize I’ve barely started a new job. I can’t go on maternity leave.”

  “Actually you can. I agree it isn’t good for your career, but you won’t lose your job.”

  “It’s not just that. I don’t know who Carlos is anymore. He drinks too much. I don’t even know if I want to stay married.” Lourdes can’t believe she said it out loud. She’d been thinking about it, but somehow saying it makes it real. “I have some tea and lemon bars. My friend’s sister made them. They’re really good.”

  “You know me well enough to know I can’t turn down food.”

  Lourdes makes a follow-me gesture and the two of them go into the kitchen. Bev is wearing sweat pants and a Diamondback t-shirt. She’d never seen her in casual dress.

  Lourdes pours tea and puts a plate of bars on the table. Bev digs in while Lourdes nibbles and sips.

  “Marriage problems aren’t unusual. Have you tried counseling?”

  “No. Carlos won’t go. He’s too macho. I wanted him to go to the VA or a counselor to deal with his PTSD. He said he talked to someone, but I haven’t seen any change. If anything he’s worse.”

  “Carlos works for Raytheon, as a security guard?” Lourdes nods. “Does he have a gun?”

  “Yeah. He’s had guns since he was in the military.”

  “Are they in the house?”

  “Yes, he has to use them in his job. Why?”

  “I want you to be safe. If he’s hit you before, drinks too much and has guns—that can be a lethal combination. You know a woman is most at risk when she wants to leave.”

  “I wanted him to get a gun safe, but he never did. I was worried he might hurt someone. Now I’m worried he might hurt h
imself.”

  “You should make him get rid of the guns.”

  “I agree, but I don’t know how.”

  “You should stay with me for a couple days while things calm down.”

  “No, I’ll be fine here.”

  “If you change your mind, you don’t have to call. Come by anytime.”

  THIRTY-EIGHT

  Talking with Bev helped. She doesn’t know if she can sleep. She shouldn’t have had two cups of tea. Where is Carlos? Is he going to come home? He spends more nights at Rick’s than here. She’d like to talk to her mom. Just hear her voice, but it’s too late. Her parents are always in bed by ten. If the phone rings now they’ll think something terrible has happened. She vows to visit her parents this weekend. She hasn’t been there since Steve brought his girlfriend home. Was that two weeks ago?

  He’ll be up. She dials his cell.

  “Hey sis, what’s up?”

  “Nothing. I wanted to say hi.”

  “Maricela and I are watching Four Weddings and A Funeral. Have you seen it?”

  “Of course, it’s a classic.” She assumes Maricela chose it. Steve is more of a horror or science fiction fan. “Our parents really like Maricela and so do I.”

  “She adores me.” Lourdes hears laughter in the background. After a few more minutes of small talk she hangs up feeling calmer.

  Lourdes goes back to bed and closes her eyes. She’s too anxious to sleep. Where is that book about the Irish cop, during the troubles? Checks her nightstand. No luck. Gets out of bed, looks on counters, on top of the bookshelves. Finally she tries the basket where they store bills, mail and other junk that needs attention. Sometimes when she’s cleaning she throws odds and ends in there. Found.

  She decides to start it over. She’s read twenty-five pages or so, but can’t remember any of it. She can’t focus. What if she and Carlos split up? He’s been a part of her life for so long. It’d be great not to worry about him flying off the handle. She could cook for herself or not cook at all. If she wanted to, she could quit her job. Be a PD again.

  Would she want to go back? She’s made mistakes and felt unsure of herself, but she likes being a judge. She wouldn’t admit it to her PD friends, but being a judge is easier.

  The phone rings. Probably a search warrant this late, but, it isn’t a government number.

  “Lourdes,” cries a voice.

  “Yes, who is it?”

  “Me, Molly. I fucked up so badly. Toby’s in the ER and it’s all my fault. She might die.”

  “Where are you?”

  “The emergency vet on First Avenue. Hurry.”

  “Be there in 10 minutes.”

  Five minutes ago she was thinking it couldn’t get worse. When it rains it pours. She throws on some clothes, grabs her purse and keys and gets into the car. Traffic’s light and she makes it in less than ten.

  The room, dogs and smells. Wet fur, antiseptic cleaner, fear. A large black lab sits close to a man and woman who are petting him, “You’ll be okay, Sammy. You’re a good boy.” A mid-sized well-groomed white poodle with a cast on its leg sits calmly on the lap of an older woman. A man, woman and teen-age girl, sad looks on their faces, the girl crying. No dog. She spots Molly’s red hair uncombed, clothes disheveled, head down.

  The front door shuts, Molly looks up, runs over and hugs her. “I can’t believe what I’ve done. It’s all my fault.”

  “What happened?”

  “I spilled some wine. Toby drank it. I didn’t know it could hurt her.”

  “How much did you spill?”

  “Hardly any.”

  Lourdes knows it wasn’t hardly any.

  Molly looks at her with wide bloodshot eyes. “She liked it.”

  “Tell me the truth.”

  For what seems minutes, Molly is quiet. “Ok, I was drunk. I gave her more. I must have passed out. When I woke up she was making weird noises and had thrown up. She was shaking.”

  “Glad you got her here. What did the doc say?”

  Molly starts to cry again. “Something about charcoal to absorb the alcohol. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I love Toby. I’d never want to hurt her.”

  “Why were you drinking?”

  “Jared, what else.” She shrugs. “I found out he was seeing someone. He’s an ass. I know that. I called my sponsor. I promised her I’d do 90 meetings in 90 days. She offered to meet me here. I told her I had a friend coming.”

  Lourdes is confused. Last time she saw Molly, she was done with Jared. Never wanted to see him again.

  A large woman in scrubs walks into the waiting room and looks around. Molly grabs her hand.

  “Maggie’s family, come on back.” The three people who look upset walk back with the woman.

  “I think their dog got out and hit by a car,” Molly says. “I heard them talking and I don’t think their dog is going to make it.”

  “That’s so sad.”

  “Toby saved me from Jared and I make her sick. I’m an awful person.”

  “You’re not awful. You have to stop drinking even if things go wrong. Especially if things go wrong.”

  “I’ll try. I never thought I’d hurt Toby.” Molly is quiet for a minute. “How are you and Carlos doing? she breaks the silence.

  “Not well. We had a big fight earlier today. I think we’re going to have to split up, at least for a bit.”

  “Oh, Lourdes, I’m sorry. Do you want to talk?”

  “Nothing really to say. We just seem to have drifted apart.”

  Molly and Lourdes sit quietly after that. Every time someone opens the door leading to the hospital, Molly grabs Lourdes’ hand. It’s quiet for a bit. Lourdes feels her eyes getting heavy.

  “Toby’s family,” a woman calls.

  “Here,” Molly says as she walks toward the woman who is wearing a name tag that reads DARCY.

  “Come on back and talk to Dr. Nelson. “

  Molly grabs Lourdes’ hand and they follow Darcy to a small room with a desk that has a computer and a couple chairs on the side. Molly and Lourdes sit down. “She’ll be with you in a minute.” Darcy walks out leaving the two alone with the smells. More intense back here.

  “Do you think she’s dead?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe they want to talk about her treatment.”

  A dog starts to whine, bark, whine. “That’s not Toby, I know what she sounds like.”

  A few moments later Dr. Nelson, who looks to Lourdes like a high school student, walks in and sits down. “I’m Dr. Nelson, which of you is Molly?” She smiles warmly at them.

  “That’s me, this is my friend Lourdes.”

  “Toby’s going to be fine.” Molly lets out a big sigh. “We used charcoal to soak up as much alcohol as we can. She’s on intravenous fluids, electrolytes, and is doing much better. You can see her when we’re done talking.”

  “Can I take her home?”

  “I’d like to monitor her for a couple more hours. If no new symptoms occur, she can go home then.”

  “Thank you, Doctor, thank you.”

  “Toby’s a very sweet girl. She cooperated with everything I did. You do understand, Molly, that alcohol—even in very small amounts—can be toxic to your dog?”

  “Yes, yes I do. I’ll be careful in the future. I didn’t know.”

  “I’ll give you some instructions before you leave about how to take care of Toby these next few days. Also some pamphlets on what foods and plants are toxic to dogs.”

  “Let’s go see Toby.”

  THIRTY-NINE

  Lourdes doesn’t honor her promise to visit her parents. She stays at the vet hospital until Toby is released around 4 a.m. and decides to spend the rest of the weekend with Molly. She wants to help Molly take care of Toby, help Molly stay sober, and it gives her an excuse to avoid going home.
She can’t bear the thought of seeing Carlos.

  The two of them sleep for several hours. They set an alarm to make sure they give Toby her meds on time. Toby is groggy and sleeps, too. Molly wants Toby in her bed, but it’s too high for Toby to jump in her dazed state. She’s too heavy for them to pick up. They put her dog bed on the floor next to Molly. Molly worries, “Toby’s probably mad at me, won’t trust me.”

  Lourdes isn’t a dog expert, but she’s heard dogs love their owners unconditionally. Toby probably has no idea what happened to her.

  She recovers quickly. In less than 24 hours she’s wagging her tail and trying to get Molly and Lourdes to play keep away with her toys. She’s either forgiven Molly, or more likely was never mad in the first place.

  Lourdes isn’t sure how to treat Molly. She wants to help her be clean, but she doesn’t want to act like a helicopter mom. “Is there any alcohol in the house?” her voice tentative.

  “Yes, and I’ll get rid of it—now.” Molly opens the fridge, hands Lourdes a couple of bottles of wine. Next she goes into the back of the house and comes back with a half-full bottle of vodka.

  “Is that all?”

  “Yes, I swear.”

  The first time Molly leaves the house to go AA, Lourdes considers searching it to see if there is any hidden booze, but doesn’t. It’s a violation of their friendship. As much as she wants to help, she knows it’s up to Molly.

  Lourdes doesn’t want to talk about Carlos. She’s so mixed up. She doesn’t know what she wants to do or how she feels. She can’t live with him, but doesn’t want a divorce. On Saturday he texts, You okay?

  Yes.

  Lourdes needs to get out of the house. Molly gets to leave at least once a day to complete ninety AA meetings in ninety days. If they need something like food, they go together. She needs some time alone. Takes Toby for a walk. Calls Jack who has left several messages.

  “Molly didn’t come to work Friday. Is she okay?” Jack blurts without even a hello.

  Lourdes doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t want to betray Molly. “She messed up, but I think she’s back on the right path.”