How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk

by Adele Faber

  The group didn’t waste a minute. Both parents and teenagers waded in to solve the problem.

  Parent (to Laura): I’ll tell you what I do with my daughter. I drive her and her friends there and tell them they can stay two hours. But she has to call me after one hour and call again when she’s ready to be picked up. I know it’s a pain in the neck for her, but it gives me peace of mind.

  Teenage girl (to Laura): You can get Kelly a cell phone. That way, she could call you if she has a problem or you could reach her anytime.

  Another parent (to Laura): How about you taking the girls and dropping them off? Hang out with them a little while. Then you do a little shopping for yourself and set a time and place to meet them and bring them home.

  Teenage boy (sixteen, tall, and handsome, speaking to Kelly): If you want to go to the mall with your friends, why don’t you let your mom come with you?

  Kelly: Are you kidding?! My friends would freak out.

  Laura: Why? All your friends like me.

  Kelly: No way. That would be too embarrassing.

  Same handsome teen (smiling at Kelly): Suppose you tell your friends to put up with it, just once or twice, so your mom can see the scene—where you go, what you do. That way, maybe she’ll relax.

  Kelly (charmed by him): I guess. (looks questioningly at her mother)

  Laura: I would do that.

  I was impressed by what I had just witnessed. Even more striking to me than the swift resolution of the conflict was the way the group had responded to the standoff between Laura and Kelly. No one took sides. Everyone showed great respect for the strong feelings of both mother and daughter.

  “You’ve all just given a clear demonstration,” I said, “of a very civilized way of dealing with our differences. It seems we have to override our natural tendency to prove ourselves right and the other person wrong: ‘You’re wrong about this! And you’re wrong about that!’ Why do you suppose it isn’t just as natural for us to point out what’s right? Why aren’t we just as quick to praise as we are to criticize?”

  There was a short pause and then a flurry of responses. First from the parents:

  “It’s a lot easier to find fault. That doesn’t take any effort. But to say something nice takes a little thought.”

  “That’s true. Like last night my son turned his music way down when he noticed I was on the phone. I appreciated his doing that, but I never bothered to thank him for being so considerate.”

  “I don’t know why kids have to be praised for doing what they’re supposed to do. Nobody praises me for getting dinner on the table every night.”

  “My father thought praise was bad for kids. He never complimented me because he didn’t want me to get a ‘swelled head.’ “

  “My mother went to the other extreme. She never stopped telling me how great I was: ‘You’re so pretty, so smart, so talented.’ I didn’t get a swelled head, because I didn’t believe her.”

  Teenagers joined the discussion:

  “Yeah, but even if a kid did believe her parents and thought she was so special, when she goes to school and sees what other kids are like, she could be in for a big letdown.”

  “I think parents and teachers, they say stuff like, ‘Terrific,’ or ‘Great job,’ because they think they’re supposed to. You know, to encourage you. But me and my friends, we think it sounds phony.”

  “And sometimes grown-ups praise you to get you to do what they want you to do. You should’ve heard my grandmother the time I got this really short haircut. ‘Jeremy, I hardly recognized you. You look so handsome! You should keep your hair that way all the time. You look like a movie star!’ Yeah, right.”

  “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a compliment if it’s sincere. I know I feel great when I get one.”

  “Me too! I like it when my parents say something nice about me to my face. Actually, I think most kids can use a little praise—now and then.”

  “I have news for you kids,” Tony said. “Most parents can use a little praise—now and then.”

  There was a burst of applause from the parents.

  “Well,” I said, “you’ve certainly expressed a wide range of feelings about praise. Some of you like it and wouldn’t mind hearing a lot more of it. And yet for some of you it’s uncomfortable. You experience praise as either insincere or manipulative.

  “Could the difference in your responses have something to do with how you’re being praised? I believe it does. Words like, ‘You’re the greatest … the best … so honest … smart … generous …’ can make us uneasy. Suddenly we remember the times we weren’t so great or honest or smart or generous.

  “What can we do instead? We can describe. We can describe what we see or what we feel. We can describe a person’s effort, or we can describe his achievement. The more specific we can be, the better.

  “Can you hear the difference between ‘You’re so smart!’ and ‘You’ve been working on that algebra problem for a long time, but you didn’t stop or give up until you got the answer’?”

  “Yeah, sure,” Paul called out. “The second thing you said is definitely better.”

  “What makes it better?” I asked.

  “Because if you tell me I’m so smart, I think, I wish, or, She’s trying to butter me up. But the second way, I think, Hey, I guess I am smart! I know how to hang in there until I get the answer.”

  “That does seem to be the way it works,” I said. “When someone describes what we’ve done or are trying to do, we usually gain a deeper appreciation of ourselves.

  “In the cartoons I’m handing out now, you’ll see examples of parents and teenagers being praised—first with evaluation, then with description. Please notice the difference in what people say to themselves in response to each approach.”

  When Praising Kids

  Instead of Evaluating …

  Describe What You Feel

  Different kinds of praise can lead kids to very different conclusions about themselves.

  When Praising Kids

  Instead of Evaluating …

  Describe What You See

  Evaluations can make kids uneasy. But an appreciative description of their efforts or accomplishments is always welcome.

  When Praising Parents

  Instead of Evaluating …

  Describe What You Feel

  People tend to push away praise that evaluates them. An honest, enthusiastic description is easier to accept.

  When Praising Parents

  Instead of Evaluating …

  Describe What You See

  Words that describe often lead people to a greater appreciation of their strengths.

  I noticed Michael nodding his head as he looked over the illustrations.

  “What are you thinking, Michael?” I asked.

  “I’m thinking that before tonight I would’ve said that any kind of praise was better than none. I’m a big believer in people giving each other a pat on the back. But I’m beginning to see there are different ways to go about it.”

  “And better ways!” Karen announced, holding up her cartoons. “Now I understand why my kids get so irritated when I tell them they’re ‘terrific’ or ‘fantastic.’ It drives them crazy. Okay, so now I’ve got to remember—describe, describe!!”

  “Yeah,” Paul called out from the back of the room. “Cut out the gushy stuff and say what you like about the person.”

  I seized upon Paul’s comment. “Suppose we all do exactly that—right now,” I said. “Please return to your real family. Then take a moment to think about one specific thing that you like about your parent or teenager. As soon as it comes to mind, put it in writing. What could you actually say to let the other person know what it is that you admire or appreciate?”

  There was a wave of nervous laughter. Parents and kids looked at each other, looked away, and then down at their papers. When everyone had finished writing, I asked them to exchange papers.

  I watched quietly as smiles grew, eyes fi
lled, and people hugged. It was sweet to see. I overheard, “I didn’t think you noticed”…“Thank you. That makes me really happy”…“I’m glad that helped”…“I love you too.”

  The custodian poked his head in the door. “Soon,” I mouthed to him. To the group I said, “Dear people, we have come to the end of our final session. Tonight we looked at how we can express our irritation to each other in ways that are helpful rather than hurtful. And we also looked at ways to express our appreciation so that each person in the family can feel visible and valued.

  “Speaking of appreciation, I want you to know what an enormous pleasure it’s been for me to work with all of you over these many weeks. Your comments, your insights, your suggestions, your willingness to explore new ideas and take a chance with them have made this a very gratifying experience for me.”

  Everyone applauded. I thought people would leave after that. They didn’t. They hung around, talked to one another, and then each family lined up to say good-bye to me personally. They wanted me to know that the evening had been important to them. Meaningful. The kids as well as the parents shook my hand and thanked me.

  When everyone had gone, I stood lost in thought. Almost everything in the media these days gives a picture of parents and teenagers as adversaries. Yet here tonight I had witnessed a very different dynamic. Parents and teens in partnership. Both generations learning and using skills. Both generations welcoming the opportunity to talk together. Happy to connect with each other.

  The door opened. “Oh, we’re so glad you didn’t leave yet!” It was Laura and Karen. “Do you think we could have one more meeting next Wednesday—just for parents?”

  I hesitated. I hadn’t planned to go on.

  “Because we were all talking in the parking lot about the stuff going on with our kids that we didn’t think we should bring up tonight with them sitting there.”

  “And you wouldn’t have to worry about contacting people. We’d take care of that.”

  “We know it’s last-minute, and some people said they couldn’t make it, but it’s really important.”

  “So would that be okay with you? We know how busy you are, but if you have the time …”

  I looked into their anxious faces and mentally rearranged my schedule.

  “I’ll make the time,” I said.

  a quick reminder

  Expressing Your Irritation

  TO YOUR TEENAGER

  Instead of accusing or name-calling:

  “Who’s the birdbrain who left the house and forgot to lock the door?!!”

  Say what you feel: “It upsets me to think that anyone could have walked into our home while we were away.”

  Say what you’d like and/or expect: “I expect the last person who leaves the house to make sure the door is locked.”

  TO YOUR PARENT

  Instead of blaming or accusing:

  “Why do you always yell at me in front of my friends? No one else has parents who do that!”

  Say what you feel: “I don’t like being yelled at in front of my friends. It’s embarrassing.”

  Say what you’d like and/or expect: “If I’m doing something that bothers you, just say, ‘I need to talk to you for a second,’ and tell me privately.”

  Expressing Appreciation

  TO YOUR TEENAGER

  Instead of evaluating her:

  “You’re always so responsible!”

  Describe what she did: “Even though you were under a lot of pressure at your rehearsal, you made it your business to call when you knew you were going to be late.”

  Describe what you feel: “That phone call saved me a lot of worry. Thank you!”

  TO YOUR PARENT

  Instead of evaluating him:

  “Good job, Dad.”

  Describe what he did: “Boy, you spent half your Saturday setting up that basketball hoop for me.”

  Describe what you feel: “I really appreciate that.”

  Eight

  Dealing with Sex and Drugs

  The group was smaller tonight. Small enough for us to move to the library and sit comfortably around a conference table. Several people started talking about last week’s meeting. How much they had enjoyed it. How much better things were going at home. How, since then, both they and the kids would catch themselves repeating some of the same old negative stuff, smile self-consciously, say, “Do-over!” and start again. And even though the new words sounded a little awkward or unfamiliar, they still felt good.

  Karen tried to listen patiently, but I could see that she could barely contain herself. At the first break in the conversation, she blurted out, “I’m sorry to be negative, and I’m even sorrier to bring the subject up, but I’m still upset over something that went on at a party that Stacey was at last week.” She paused here and took a deep breath. “I heard that one of the girls in her class was giving oral sex to a few of the boys. Now, I’m not a prude, and I don’t think I’m naïve. I know all kinds of things go on with teenagers today that were unheard of when I was a kid. But twelve and thirteen years old! In our community! At a birthday party!”

  Everyone at the table wanted to weigh in on the topic:

  “It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? But according to what I’ve been reading, it’s happening everywhere. And with kids who are even younger. And not only at parties. They’re doing it in the school bathroom, on the bus, and in the house before their parents come home from work.”

  “What I find so disturbing is that the kids don’t even see it as that big a deal. Oral sex to them is like what a good-night kiss was to us. They don’t even think of it as sex. After all, it isn’t intercourse, so you’re still a virgin. And you can’t get pregnant, so they figure it’s safe.”

  “It’s not safe. That’s what’s so scary to me. My brother is a doctor, and he told me the kids can get some of the same diseases from oral sex as they can from regular sex—like oral herpes or gonorrhea of the throat. He said that the only protection is a condom. And even that’s not 100 percent safe. A boy could have genital warts or lesions on his scrotum, and no condom will help since it doesn’t cover that area.”

  “I feel sick just listening to this. The whole situation is a nightmare. As far as I’m concerned, the only real protection is not doing it at all.”

  “Yeah, but face it. It’s a different world today. And according to what I’ve been hearing, it’s something the girls do for the boys—not the other way around. Some of the girls even do it publicly.”

  “I’ve heard that too. Evidently the girl feels pressured to ‘perform’ in order to be popular. What she doesn’t realize is that word gets around, and she gets a reputation for being ‘trashy’ or a ‘slut.’ “

  “But the boy’s reputation gets a boost. He gets bragging rights.”

  “I worry about both the boys and the girls. How do they feel about themselves afterward—like when they see each other in the hall the next day? And how does having this kind of sex now—and it is sex, because if it involves sex organs it’s sex—affect their future relationships?”

  With each person’s comment, Karen grew more visibly agitated. “Okay, okay,” she said. “So it’s widespread and a lot of kids are into it, but what am I supposed to do about it? I can’t ignore it. I know I have to talk to Stacey about what went on at that party. But I don’t even know where to begin. The truth is, I’m embarrassed about even bringing up the subject with her.”

  There was a long pause. People looked at one another blankly and then at me. This wasn’t easy. “The one thing I’m sure of,” I began, “is what not to say: ‘Stacey, I know all about what went on at that party you were at last week, and I am shocked and revolted. That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard! Was there only one girl doing “you know what” to the boys? Are you sure? Did anyone ask you to do it? And did you? Don’t lie to me!’

  “Instead of giving her your revulsion or the third degree, you’d have a far better chance of having a productive conversation if you tell
yourself to keep your tone neutral and your questions general rather than personal. For example, ‘Stacey, I just heard something that took me by surprise, and I want to check it out with you. Someone told me that oral sex is going on at kids’ parties—even the one you were at last week.’

  “Whether she confirms or denies it, you can continue the conversation—again, keeping your tone nonjudgmental: ‘Ever since I heard I’ve been wondering if this is something the girls do because they feel pressured by the boys? Or is it because they think it will make them popular? I’ve also been wondering what happens if a girl refuses.’

  “After Stacey tells you as much as she’s comfortable telling, you can express your point of view. But since the subject can be difficult for parents, you might want to take some time beforehand to decide exactly what it is you want to communicate.”

  “I know what I want to communicate,” Karen said ruefully. “I just don’t think she could hear it.”

  Laura looked puzzled. “What couldn’t she hear?”

  “That I feel it’s wrong for one person to use another to satisfy a sexual urge. Or for anyone to ‘service’ anyone else just to be popular. To me that’s demeaning. It’s not being respectful to yourself. And that goes for a boy as well as a girl.”

  “Sounds good to me,” Laura said. “Why couldn’t you say that to Stacey?”

  “I suppose I could.” Karen sighed. “But I know my daughter. She’d probably tell me I was being uptight and old-fashioned, that I just didn’t ‘get it,’ and the kids today don’t think it’s such a big deal. It’s just what they do at some parties. So what do I say to that?”

  “You can start,” I said, “by acknowledging her perspective: ‘So to you and a lot of the kids you know it’s no big deal.’ Then you can go on to share your adult perspective. ‘As I see it, oral sex is a very personal, intimate act. Not a party game. Not something you do for fun. And I can’t help but wonder if some of the kids who participate don’t feel bad about it afterward and wish they hadn’t.’ No matter what Stacey says after that, you’ve given her something to think about. At the very least, she knows where her mother stands.”