How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk

by Adele Faber

  “Right on!” Michael said. “And while you’re at it, Stacey should also be told about the health risks. About the STDs kids can get from oral sex. Or any kind of sex, for that matter. She needs to understand that some of the diseases are curable, but some aren’t. Some are life-threatening. That’s nothing to fool around with.”

  Laura shook her head. “If it were my kid, she’d have her hands over her ears by now. She could never stand to hear me go on and on about all the horrible diseases she could get.”

  “But we’re the parents!” Michael exclaimed. “Whether the kids like it or not, there’s a lot we need to tell them about sex for their own protection.”

  Laura looked pained. “I know you’re right,” she acknowledged, “but the truth is, I dread having the ‘big talk’ with my daughter.”

  “You’re not alone,” I said. “The ‘big talk’ can be embarrassing for both parents and kids. Besides, the subject of sex is too important and too complex to try to tackle in one sitting. Instead, be on the lookout for opportunities that can lead to some ‘little’ talks. For instance, when you’re watching a movie or a TV program together, or listening to the news on the radio, or reading an article in a magazine, you can use what you’re seeing or hearing to get a conversation going.”

  My suggestion sparked an immediate response. Evidently several people were already using this approach with their children. Here, in cartoon form, are some of the examples they shared with the group.

  Instead of the One “Big Talk” …

  The onetime talk about sex can be hard for a parent to deliver and hard for a teenager to listen to.

  Look for Opportunities to Have “Small Talks”

  While Listening to the Radio

  While Reading a Newspaper

  While Watching a Sitcom Together

  While Driving a Car

  Joan raised her hand. “My mother could never, ever, have brought up any of these topics with me. She would have died of embarrassment. She did do one thing, though. When I was about twelve, she gave me a book about the ‘facts of life.’ I pretended I wasn’t interested, but I read it from cover to cover. And whenever my girlfriends came over, we’d close the bedroom door, take out ‘The Book,’ read it again, and giggle over all the pictures.”

  “What I like about a book,” Jim said, “is that it gives the kid a little privacy—a chance to look over the material without someone looking over his shoulder. But no book is going to be a substitute for a parent. Kids want to know what their parents think. What their parents expect of them.”

  “That’s the part that worries me,” Laura said. “The ‘expect’ part. I mean, if you’re talking to your kids about sex and giving them books about it with pictures, won’t they get the idea that you expect them to be having sex and that they’ve got your permission?”

  “Not at all,” Michael said. “Not if you make it clear that what you’re giving them is information, not permission. Besides, it seems to me that if we don’t give our kids some basic facts, we could be putting them at risk. If there’s anything we believe they should know for their own protection, the only way we can ever be sure they’ll know it is to give them the information ourselves.”

  Michael paused here, searching his mind for an example. “For instance, how many boys know how to use a condom safely—how to actually put it on and take it off? And how many are aware that they need to check the expiration date on the package? Because a dried-out condom is as good as no condom at all.”

  “Wow,” Laura said, “I didn’t even know that….And I wonder how many girls realize that, no matter what their friends tell them, they can get pregnant the first time they have sex—even if they’ve got their period.”

  Michael nodded vigorously. “That’s just the kind of thing I mean,” he said. “And here’s something else. I’ll bet it doesn’t occur to most kids that even if they’re having sex with a person who may have had sex with only one other person, that one other person could have had sex with lots of other people. And who knows what diseases got passed down along the way!”

  Tony frowned. “Everything you all said just now is very important. I mean, you’re right. You gotta tell your kids about the dangers. But shouldn’t you also tell them that there’s a good part about sex? That it’s normal, natural …one of life’s pleasures. Hey, it’s how we all got here!”

  After the laughter subsided, I said, “Nevertheless, Tony, those ‘normal, natural’ feelings can sometimes overwhelm our kids and play havoc with their judgment. Today’s teenagers are under enormous pressure. Not only from their hormones and their peers but from a sexualized pop culture that bombards them with explicit, erotic images on television, in movies, in music videos, and on the Internet.

  “So, yes, it’s normal for kids to want to experiment, to act out what they’ve seen or heard. And yes, we do want to convey that sex is ‘one of life’s pleasures.’ But we also need to help our teenagers set boundaries. We need to share our adult values and give them some guidelines to hang on to.”

  “For instance?” Tony said.

  I thought a moment. “Well…for instance, I think young people should be told that it’s never okay to let anyone pressure them into doing anything sexual that they’re not comfortable with. They don’t have to be unpleasant about it. But they can let the other person know how they feel. They can simply say, ‘I don’t want to do this.’ “

  “I totally agree,” Laura exclaimed. “And anyone who doesn’t respect that isn’t a person they should ever go out with again….

  And I also think kids should be made to understand that sex isn’t something you do just because you think everybody else is doing it. You need to do what’s right for you. Besides, who knows what’s really going on? Maybe some kids are having sex, but I’ll bet a lot of them aren’t and are lying about it.”

  “And speaking of ‘doing what’s right for you,’” Joan added, “before kids even think of turning their bodies and souls over to someone else, they ought to ask themselves some serious questions, like, ‘Is this a person who really cares about me?’ … ‘Is this someone I can trust?’ … ‘Is this someone I can be myself with?’ “

  “To me,” Karen said, “the main message kids ought to hear from their parents is ‘Slow down. There’s no need to rush.’ I think it’s a big mistake for them to be having sex or hooking up or whatever they call it today, when they’re still so young.”

  “I couldn’t agree more!” Joan exclaimed. “These are the years they should be concentrating on their studies and getting involved in different kinds of activities—sports, hobbies, clubs—and doing volunteer work in the community. It’s not a time for them to be complicating their lives with sexual relationships. I know they don’t want to hear it from us, but still, we should tell them that some things are worth waiting for.”

  “But there are always going to be some kids who won’t wait,” Michael pointed out. “And if that’s the case, if they’re determined to ‘go all the way,’ they should hear some straight talk from their parents. I’d spell it out for them. I’d tell them they need to have a serious discussion with their prospective partner so that they can decide together just what kind of contraception each of them plans to use. Then both of them need to check it out with a doctor. My point is, if teenagers think they’re grown-up enough to have sex, then they have to be prepared to act like grown-ups. And that means thinking about consequences and taking responsibility.”

  Jim nodded appreciatively. “Boy, Michael, that really lays it on the line. And of course, everything you said just now goes for all kids—whether they’re straight or gay.”

  There was a sudden silence. Several people looked uneasy.

  “I’m glad you added that, Jim,” I said. “We do have to recognize the possibility that a young person might be homosexual and that all the precautions Michael recommended just now would apply equally to him or her.”

  Jim looked hesitant. “I guess the reason I even brought it up,”
he said, “is because I was thinking of my nephew. He just turned sixteen, and a few weeks ago he confided in me that he’s gay. He said the reason he was telling me was because, knowing me, he was pretty sure I’d be okay with it, but he was worried about how his parents would take it. It seems he had been wanting to tell them for a long time but was afraid. Not of his mother’s reaction so much. But he didn’t know what his father would do if he found out.

  “We talked for a long time about the possible fallout, and at one point he said, ‘I’m gonna do it, Uncle Jim. I’m gonna tell them.’

  “Well, he did. He told them. He said they were both very upset at first. His father wanted him to see a therapist. His mother tried to reassure him. She explained that it wasn’t at all unusual for a teenager to feel an occasional attraction to a person of the same sex, but it was probably just a passing thing.

  “Then he told her that it wasn’t a passing thing, that he’d been having these feelings for a long time now, and he hoped they’d both understand. It must’ve been very hard for them to hear that, but little by little they seemed to come around. In the end his father was the one who really surprised him. He said that, no matter what, he’d always be their son and that he’d always have their love and support.

  “I can tell you that was one relieved young man. And I was one very relieved uncle. Because if his mother or father had ever turned their back on him over this, I don’t know what would have happened. I’ve read too many stories about kids going into a major depression or even becoming suicidal when their parents reject them because they’re gay.”

  “Your nephew was fortunate,” I said. “Coming to terms with a teenager’s homosexuality is never easy for any parent. But if we can accept our children for who they truly are, then we’ve given them a great gift—the strength to be themselves and the courage to begin to deal with the prejudice of the outside world.”

  Another long silence. “There’s something else,” Joan said slowly. “Whether our kids are straight or gay, they all need to be made aware that once they decide to add sex to a relationship it’s never the same. Everything gets more complicated. All the feelings become more intense. If anything goes wrong, if there’s a breakup—which happens all the time with teenagers—it can be devastating for them.

  “I remember what went on with my best friend in high school. She was crazy about this boy, let herself get talked into sleeping with him, and after he dumped her for someone else, she went to pieces. Her grades went down, she couldn’t eat, sleep, study, or concentrate on anything for the longest time.”

  Jim threw up his hands. “Well,” he announced, “after listening to all this, I’m beginning to think there’s a good case to be made for abstinence. Face it, it’s the only method that’s 100 percent safe. I know someone here is going to tell me that kids are reaching puberty earlier and marrying later and that it’s unrealistic to expect them to abstain for so many years, but abstinence doesn’t mean they can’t go near each other. They can still hold hands, or hug, or kiss, or maybe even go to what we used to call first base. That would be okay … I mean, okay for everyone except my daughter.”

  People smiled. Laura looked troubled. “It’s easy for us to sit around a table and decide what we should tell our kids they can or can’t do. But there’s no way we can follow them around twenty-four hours a day. And no matter what we tell them, who says they’ll listen?”

  “You’re right, Laura,” I said. “There are no guarantees. No matter what a parent says, some kids will test the limits and some will go beyond the limits. Nevertheless, all the skills you’ve been putting into practice these past few months make it far more likely that your kids will be able to listen to you. But even more important, they’ll have the confidence to listen to themselves and set their own limits.”

  “From your mouth to God’s ears!” Tony called out. “I sure as hell hope that what you said just now applies to drugs too, because I’m getting a bad feeling about some of the kids my son is starting to hang out with. They don’t have the greatest reputation—one of them was suspended for getting high in school—and I don’t want my boy influenced by him. I mean, if they’re trying to get him to use drugs, I want to know what I can do to head them off. Like what should I say to him?”

  “What would you like to say?” I asked.

  “What my father said to me.”

  “What was that?”

  “That he’d break every bone in my body if he ever caught me using drugs.”

  “Did that stop you?”

  “No. I just made sure he never caught me.”

  I laughed. “So at least now you know what not to do.” Laura jumped in. “How about if you tell him, ‘Listen, if anyone tries to talk you into doing drugs, just say no.’ “

  Tony gave me a what-do-you-think look.

  “The problem with that approach,” I said, “is that by itself it’s not enough. Kids need to hear more than a simple ‘just say no.’ They’re under enormous pressure today to just say yes. The combination of all the messages in the pop culture and the easy availability of drugs and the urging of their peers can be hard to resist: ‘You gotta try this’ … ‘Trust me, you’ll like it’ … ‘This stuff is really great’ … ‘It feels sooo good!’ … ‘Helps you relax’ … ‘Come on, don’t be a wimp.’

  “And as if that weren’t enough, scientists are now telling us that although a teenager may appear physically mature, his brain is still in the process of being formed. The part that controls impulses and exercises judgment is one of the very last areas of the brain to develop.”

  “That’s so scary,” Laura said.

  “Yes, it is,” I agreed, “but the good news is that you all have more power than you realize. Your kids care deeply about what you think. They may not always show it, but your values and convictions are very important to them and can be the determining factor in their decision to either use or avoid drugs and alcohol. For example, Tony, you can tell your son, ‘I sure hope your friend isn’t into drugs anymore. He’s a nice kid, and I hate to think of him messing up his future because of what he’s putting into his body today.’

  “And it’s not only our words that can keep our children from risky behavior, it’s also what we model. It’s what our kids see us do or not do that speaks volumes to them.”

  “Now that hits home,” Joan commented. “My father once grounded me because he found out I had one little drink at a party. But I used to see him every night with his cocktail before dinner and beer with dinner, so I figured if it was okay for him, it was okay for me.”

  “At least your father had an idea about what was going on with you,” Laura said, “and was trying to be responsible. A lot of parents today are clueless. They figure that if their kid seems to be doing everything right, then everything is right. But you can’t ever really be sure. I read an article recently about these teenagers from a wealthy community. They were on the honor roll, on all the teams, and every weekend they were binge drinking. And the parents had no idea until a few of them ended up in the hospital and one of them nearly died.

  “That story is a wakeup call,” I said. “Binge drinking goes on in many communities today. It’s a major concern for parents, especially since we now know that teen drinking is more dangerous than we previously thought. All the recent studies show that the adolescent brain is in a critical stage of development. Alcohol destroys brain cells, causes neurological damage, memory loss, learning problems, and puts a youngster’s overall health at risk. There’s also new evidence that the earlier kids start drinking, the greater the chance of their becoming alcoholics as adults.”

  “Oh great!” Tony said. “Now that we know all that, how do we get it into the heads of our dopey kids? They don’t think anything could ever happen to them. They’ll go to a party and dare one another to see who can drink the most before throwing up or passing out.”

  “Which is why,” I said, “we need to be very clear and very specific when we tell our children, ‘Binge
drinking can kill you. Putting a large amount of alcohol into your body at any one time can lead to alcohol poisoning. And alcohol poisoning can lead to coma or death. That’s a medical fact.’”

  Joan put her hands to her head. “This is too much for me,” she groaned. “Alcohol by itself is bad enough, but everything I’ve been reading says that teenagers who do a lot of drinking are also into doing drugs. And there’s so much new stuff out there that I never even heard of before. It’s not just pot or crack or LSD anymore. Now there’s ecstasy, and …”

  People were quick to add to Joan’s list: “… and roofies, the date rape drug.”

  “And something called Ketamine, or ‘Special K.’”

  “And how about methamphetamines? That’s supposed to be even more addictive than cocaine.”

  “I heard about something new the kids inhale to get high. It’s called poppers or liquid gold.”

  “Boy,” Tony said, shaking his head, “there’s a helluva lot to know, isn’t there.”

  “It can seem overwhelming,” I said, “but the information is all out there—in books, in magazines, and on the Internet. You can call a substance abuse hotline and ask for their current pamphlets. You can talk to other parents in your community and find out what they know. And while you’re at it, you can ask your son what he knows about what the kids in his school are using today.”

  “Well,” Tony said, “looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me.”

  “All parents of teenagers,” I said, “have their work cut out for them. We all need to make it clear to our kids that their mothers and fathers are informed, involved, ready to do whatever it takes to protect them.