Fashionably Dead in Diapers: Hot Damned Series Book 4

by Robyn Peterman

  "The American Idol competition will start shortly. Let Martha and Jane sing so they save themselves. Their singing is horrendous, but it is absolutely brilliant compared to what you will hear from the Fairies," he said as he grimaced. "With saving Ethan and Samuel, it will be better if they win their own lives back. Too much could go wrong if we try to save them all."

  It made sense, but it didn't make me happy. "What else?"

  "Ethan will be with The Corrine," he spat with disgust. "She wants him as her mate."

  Now I was really unhappy. "First of all, he already has a mate," I hissed. "And second of all, that will happen over my dead body."

  "You are really hung up on that Vamp," Susu stated the unfortunate obvious.

  "No, I'm not," I shouted. "I just don't want Samuel to lose his father. Besides, I'm already married to someone and I have at least sixteen or nine-ish kids."

  "You're fucking with me," Susu gasped with shock. The Kev was staring at the ceiling again…

  "Look, I can't remember, but I know I have someone. Okay?"

  "Um, okay," Susu muttered.

  "And I don't want to talk about it. Got it?"

  "Yep," she said.

  "Ever," I stated firmly.

  "Roger that," she said.

  "I really don't want to talk about the fact that I am obsessed with someone who's married with a kid. I don't want to think about his perfect ass or his full lips or that I tried to ride him like a cowboy and he turned me down. I am clearly a ho-bag with no morals. This is bad and my human husband won't hold a candle to Ethan, but that's just tough shit because he loves his mate and I can't have him. So do not bring this clusterfuck of inappropriate thoughts up. Ever again."

  They both stared at me like I was insane. They were correct. "So," I said in a business-like tone. "Is there anything else?"

  I could tell The Kev was searching for his voice. Susu simply looked stunned.

  "They plan to bring the baby out at the end of the show. The Corrine believes this will force Ethan to take her as his mate," The Kev added.

  "You mean Jon Bon Jovi?" I asked.

  "Yes." He nodded. "But Ethan has the power to drop the disguise at any time."

  "Does he know this?" I shook my head in confusion as The Kev nodded again. "Well then, why wouldn't he show his true self if The Fucking Corrine wants Jon Bon Jovi?"

  The Kev hesitated for a beat. "That would be far worse. The Corrine has been obsessed with Ethan for centuries."

  That made no sense whatsoever, unless…"Oh my Hell. Did he pop The Corrine?" The Kev nodded. "He wouldn't pop me but he popped The Corrine?" I screeched at the top of my tiny lungs. Susu backed away in terror.

  "It was three hundred years ago and it meant nothing to him. However, The Corrine has never gotten over him," he said.

  "Was he married then?" I ground out.

  "No. He had no mate then. He's only recently mated."

  For some reason that didn't make me feel any better. Imagining anyone touching him but me made my skin crawl—including his wife. After this was over I would never see him again. I couldn't. I wouldn't survive seeing him happy with someone else. Guilt at my immoral thoughts ate at my insides. Hopefully when my memory came back, I would realize how much I loved my husband and all thoughts of Ethan would fade away.

  "Does The Corrine still believe that Samuel is Gemma's baby?" Susu asked.

  "No, she doesn't," The Kev said. "But she's holding that one close to her chest. If the Fairies realize she's stolen the wrong child, her credibility will be gone and they will kill her."

  "Not if I get to her first," I said as I flew to the door. "Get your strength and hurry your ass up. You're not going to want to miss this party. Susu?"

  "I'm right behind you, Boss."

  "I hope you’re really hungry because we're gonna off a whole bunch of Fairies."

  Chapter 18

  Singing lullabies to your child is a lovely bedtime ritual—unless you're tone deaf. If this holds true, we suggest downloading music and playing it to your child or hiring someone to come in and warble to your offspring at bedtime. Off pitch singing can scar a child and cost you thousands in therapy.

  Making our way to the first floor of the Palace was complicated.

  "Why in the Hell aren't the stairwells connected?" I asked. We had to fly down crazy zigzagging hallways to find each set of stairs. Mirrors that made us look warped and weird lined the halls and each door we passed was a different color. Fairies had shitty taste.

  "It's the Grand Fun Palace," Susu explained. "This is supposed to be fun."

  "Oh my Uncle God, this is so not fun," I mumbled as I passed a mirror that made me look like a fat pig with an elongated head.

  "Agreed. Wait." Susu yanked me into an alcove on a floor that looked like it had suffered quite a bit of fire damage—not normal fire. Magical fire.

  Six Fairies hustled down the hall in mounting states of panic. They were beautiful, but something was way off. Their skin color resembled a rainbow. I had to slap my little hand over my mouth so I didn't laugh—red, purple, yellow, blue, green and orange. WTF?

  "What's wrong with them?" I whispered to Susu as they hustled by. They were muttering and a few were crying. One Fairy rubbed at her skin with a vengeance to no avail. The purple was going nowhere fast.

  "I have no fucking idea," she whispered back in shock. "I have never seen anything like that. Maybe there's a disease going around."

  "I certainly hope it's not contagious."

  "No shit," she muttered as she checked her own skin.

  I took in the damage to the walls and the rooms. It was a freakin' mess. "I thought The Corrine was a neatnik."

  "She is. Something is really wrong here."

  A new group of Fairies with normal skin color made their way warily down the corridor. They were headed in the direction that the diseased Fairies had just run from. None of them appeared happy. In fact, they looked terrified.

  "Is this a punishment of some kind?" I asked.

  "If it is, it's seriously fucked," Susu replied. "Should we check it out?"

  "No. No time. We have to get to the competition. If we have time later we can come back up here."

  "Sounds fair. The ballroom is only one more floor down. You ready?"

  "Absofuckinglutely." I gave Susu a high five and we took off like little hummingbirds from Hell. I wasn't lying—I was so ready I could taste it.

  ***

  "Shut the fuck up," I said to Susu. We were on a structural beam high atop the ballroom watching the festivities below. "That's really Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson?"

  "In the Fairy flesh," she said and grinned.

  "Do you know them?"

  "Nope, I haven't been in your realm in thousands of years. Too many rules," she told me as she conjured up two bags of tiny popcorn.

  "We're not really here to enjoy the show and I can't eat food. Vampyre," I reminded her as I rolled my eyes and sniffed the popcorn longingly.

  "Do you want some blood?" She shoved the precious popcorn in her mouth as I watched with envy.

  I wrinkled my brow as I considered her offer. What in the Hell would Elf blood do to me? I was hungry. The last time I'd eaten was from The Kev… "Will it hurt you?"

  "Nope."

  "Have you ever fed a Vampyre before?" Was I crazy to be considering this? Probably.

  "Nope." She grinned and shrugged. "Never met one my size."

  "What do you think it will do to me?" I asked as my fangs involuntarily dropped.

  "Don't know. What happens when you drink from The Kev?" She asked with a mouthful.

  "I get some of his power, I think."

  "Then drink up, dude. You're gonna need all the power you can get since I'm only eighty-three percent sure I can make you big again."

  "I thought you never lied," I said stiffly, realizing I would have taken those odds too. "What happened to ninety-seven percent?"

  "Wishful thinking is not lying," she huffed and off
ered me her wrist.

  I'd have to remember that one for future use. I took her little wrist in my hand and prayed. Not just to Uncle God…nope, this time I prayed to all of them, including Satan. I need everyone at this point—good, bad and ugly.

  "Tell me to stop if it hurts or I take too much."

  "Will do." She giggled and waved her wrist in front of my face. I shook my head and sunk my fangs in. "It tickles," she squealed.

  Oh my God. My eyes rolled back in my head and I think I purred. She had the same gift as Gemma. I could taste the delicious popcorn mixed with her sweet blood. This rocked. I drank as much as I felt safe doing and licked the wound to close it.

  "You're like Gemma," I told her.

  Her eyes went wide and her little body trembled with joy. "I am?"

  "Yep. I could taste the popcorn in your blood."

  "I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. She was meant to be mine. I am going to love her so much. Do you think she'll love me?" She paused and before I could get a word in she barreled on. "How could she not love me? I am beautiful and well dressed and I'm fun. Did I say beautiful? I meant gorgeous. Anyhoo, I will destroy anything that tries to harm her and I will do her makeup and hair. What's not to love?" she demanded seriously.

  "Nothing," I assured her. "She will love you—warts and all."

  "I have no warts."

  She was so appalled that I laughed. "You might want to tone down the self love a bit."

  "I have no idea what you're talking about." She shoved more popcorn in her mouth and swung her little legs over the rafters. "Shh, it's starting."

  She was correct that it was starting. The excitement in the room bordered on hysteria. These Fairies took their reality shows very seriously. Searching for Martha and Jane turned out to be fruitless. I supposed they were hidden somewhere in the back of the massive stage. I wondered idly for a moment what they were wearing. Whatever they'd chosen was certain to be hideous. Little bits and pieces were coming back. I had a vague memory of teaching them art. Shrugging, I pushed it aside. I needed to focus on the here and now. My memory would come back. I was sure of it.

  Sweet baby Satan, the stage was grotesque. This was far more than any Hollywood set. It was drenched in magic and literally sparkled. The archway around the stage was encrusted with jewels of every kind and the floor was solid gold. The Simon, The Paula and The Randy sat in chairs that looked like thrones. They waved like the Queen of England would to the delighted crowd. This was fucking nuts and as tacky as Hell. Literally. I scanned the room for Ethan and I couldn't find him. All of the female Fairies below were exquisite so I didn't know which one was The Corrine either. Damn it, where was Ethan?

  I turned to Susu to ask, but her narrowed gaze and hisses of hatred clued me in to the fact that the bitch had arrived. I centered myself and looked down.

  I should have nailed my ass to the rafter because what I saw made me want to fly like a speeding bullet and knock her head off of her body. She was the most beautiful woman in the room except for Susu. No wonder Susu had been banned…The Corrine looked like she did not like competition. However, neither did I. Her curvy body was plastered all over a very furious and unhappy Ethan, aka Jon Bon Jovi. His lips were thin and his irate magic rolled off of him in waves. Couldn't she tell how much he hated her? He could rip her head off without even blinking. Why was he letting her do this to him?

  "I have to kill her," I snapped as I prepared to fly down and destroy her.

  "No," Susu hissed and grabbed me with a strength I didn't know she possessed. "You'll fuck it all up. Let Martha and Jane sing and then you can rip her to shreds."

  "Why is he just standing there and letting her slime all over him?" I demanded as I tried to break free of her hold. Shit, she was really strong.

  "The baby. I'm sure she's threatened him with the baby—same as The Kev."

  "She did," an unfamiliar little voice informed us.

  "Yep, I heard the slut bag ho-mamma say she'd cut the child to shreds if he didn't mate with her skanky ass," another chimed in.

  WTF? Two tiny Mini Elves appeared and sat their perfect little asses down next to us. I was speechless. I didn't know more existed. The cat may have had my tongue, but Susu was another story.

  "What do you think you're doing here?" she shouted. "You left me in a bar and disappeared."

  "That was nine hundred and eighty years ago," the one on the right sniffed. "Are you still not over that?"

  This was insane and I really didn't have time to deal with Mini Elf drama. I had my own drama unfolding before my eyes. However, their arrival did stop me from killing The Corrine before I was allowed to. Point for them.

  "Who in the fuck are you?" I demanded as I pulled Susu back. She had rolled up her sleeves and was preparing to fight. Not happening.

  "Who are you?" the one on the left fired back. "You're very pretty, but you are not a Mini Elf. I sense Vampyre and Demon."

  "You sense right. Now answer my question first or I'll let Susu loose on you."

  They backed away and grumbled indignantly.

  "I'm Lulu," the gorgeous one with skin as black as night, deep chocolate eyes and a shock of wild blue hair on her perfect head said. Amazingly, she made the blue tresses work.

  "Of course you are," I drawled and laughed. "And who are you?" I asked the one with creamy skin, mounds of auburn curls, green eyes and freckles. "Tutu?"

  "Absolutely not." She was beyond insulted. Her face reddened with fury and Susu giggled. "Tutu is a two-timing hooker with bad breath and toe fungus," the tiny redhead hissed. "If you ever call me that again, I will go ballistic on your ass. My name is Huhu."

  "I'm in Hell," I muttered. "I'm hanging out with Elves named Susu, Lulu and Huhu."

  "I can assure you you're not in Hell," Huhu said. "You're in Xanthia, and while Hell is tacky as all shit, Xanthia is tackier. I've been. Trust me on this."

  "I've been too, little Elf, and I'd have to agree with you," I said. I wondered why she had been down under.

  "Your name?" Lulu asked with her hands on her hip.

  "Astrid, aka Boobs McGee," I told her.

  Susu rolled around on the girder in a fit of giggles.

  "What's so funny?" Huhu asked, confused. "Boobs McGee isn't that bad." Lulu nodded her agreement.

  "Whatever. She's a True Immortal Vampyre-Demon, so don't fuck with her," Susu said as she regained control of herself. The two others stared at me in awe. "Why are you here and why shouldn't I kill you dead where you stand? I got locked in a fucking Genie bottle because you two imbeciles left me in that bar."

  "Oh my stars," Lulu gasped and fell to her knees. "I am so sorry. We had no idea. We thought you were grooving on the Mini Warlock with the tight ass and Gucci shoes."

  WTF? Mini Warlocks exist?

  "I was," Susu snapped. "He had an enormous package and was fabu in the sack. However, twelve days later I was abducted by a fucking Genie and shoved in a bottle for five hundred years."

  I cleared my throat and gave her the eyeball. Extending the years with a stinky Genie was not wishful thinking.

  "Fine." She rolled her eyes and stamped her foot. "It was slightly less than five hundred years, but it felt like it."

  "I'm a little confused here," Lulu said as she wrinkled her brow in thought. "How in the fucking shit were we responsible for that? You got laid by a Warlock with a huge Johnson. We weren't even around when you got kidnapped."

  She had a point.

  Susu darted up in the air, kicking her legs and swearing. She huffed and puffed—basically threw a hissy fit. She gathered herself and slowly floated back down. Apparently she was done. I bit down on my lip so I wouldn't laugh, but I stayed poised to yank her off of Huhu and Lulu. There was no telling what she would do.

  "You're right," she admitted sheepishly to her very relieved friends. "I forgot. You know how it is. Sometimes the centuries all meld together." The other tiny crazies nodded in agreement and then they all hugged and kissed each other.

&
nbsp; "Look, I'm happy that you and your buddies are friends again, but I'm here to basically save the world and you guys are a distraction."

  "Ohhh, we want to help," Lulu said in a bloodthirsty voice that made me a little uncomfortable.

  "Yes, we will help," Huhu agreed readily. "How is it that you're tiny like us?"

  Susu blanched and pretended to be engrossed in the preshow activities below.