Forbidden Desires

by Jenna Hartley

  A single tear runs down her face, and I wish for nothing more than being able to alleviate her pain.

  All of it. Forever.

  But I know that’s impossible.

  “They were the best.” Her voice is quiet, but I can hear the strength in it too. It’s something I’ve always admired in Jules. Her strength. So much like her mom’s.

  She walks to the oversized lounger, and when she lies down on it, I climb on too, eager to close the distance between us. Because there is no other option. I yearn to be by her side, to be her comfort, the one she turns to. Even if it’s only for tonight. Although, I know in my heart I’ll always want to be there for her.

  “Come here.”

  Julia moves into my arms, and I tighten them around her. I used to do this sometimes when we were younger and she got hurt. We were always there for each other, all three of us.

  Funny how fast things can change. Literally in the blink of an eye.

  I have a feeling Oliver wouldn’t be okay with this right now though.

  But he isn’t here, spending the night with Cora.

  “I feel so lame and stupid that I allowed my life to slip away from me.” Her words are a faint whisper before she pushes her face into my shoulder, her hands clenching my shirt.

  “Hey. No crazy talk allowed. You’re neither lame nor stupid.” My head rests on top of hers, and despite the topic, I enjoy this moment. “You just took things a bit easier and scaled back. Nothing wrong with that in the slightest. Everyone grieves differently, and that was your way of dealing with things as best as you could.”

  Moving around, she settles in with her cheek pressed on my shoulder. “Thank you. You know, you’ve been a huge help these past two weeks. I’m not sure I would have managed everything so well since the Nate debacle if it wasn’t for you.”

  I squeeze her, inhaling her sweet scent. “There’s nothing you need to thank me for. I’m always happy to help any way I can.”

  We stay silent for a while and my thoughts wander, this whole conversation with her eliciting some of my own regrets. “I should have been there more for you. I should have tried harder to reach out even when you kept pushing us away. I’m really sorry about that, Jules. I was an awful friend.”

  “What are you talking about?” She pulls out of my embrace, and I immediately miss the warmth of her body. “None of this is your fault, not in the least. There’s nothing you could have done to make the situation easier for me, not when I didn’t want that. I hated keeping my distance, but it hurt too much to see you guys. Your faces reminded me of my parents and how awesome life used to be.

  “I couldn’t avoid Ollie, at least not once he and my uncle practically forced me into family therapy with him, but I could escape you. If anyone has to apologize, it’s me. No one should treat their friend this way, especially when they’re only trying to help. But I didn’t look out for you. I know how much my parents loved you and how much you loved them. You lost them and me too, and for that, I’m so, so sorry.”

  My stomach tightens at her words, and time seems to stop. This pain and guilt she carried around all these years makes my head spin, and I have to swallow past the lump in my throat. “You were trying to survive. Don’t worry about me for even a second.”

  “No. You were just as important, and I should have been there for you the same way I knew you’d be there if I really needed you. Just like you’ve always been. You never truly gave up on me, and I won’t ever be able to tell you how much that means to me.”

  All I see on her face is trust, her eyes shining beneath the stars. I’m so mesmerized that all conscious thought flies out of my mind until there’s nothing left but my yearning for this woman and the need to lean in and press my lips to hers.

  Even though I initiated the kiss, intending to keep it light, Julia quickly takes over and becomes the aggressor.

  She pulls me half on top of her, pressing me into all her gorgeous curves.

  Both her mouth and body invite me to take what I’ve been longing for so much. Her touch, her smell, her whole being surrounds me, and I’m drowning in desire. Need. Want.

  Pulling back, I kiss down her neck, spending some extra time at the sensitive spot under her jaw.

  My body reacts to her instantly, my dick straining behind my zipper. I might lose my mind if I can’t have her in the next few minutes, the sudden urgency making my movements sloppy as I trail my finger toward her breasts.

  “Carter.” My name leaves her lips in a breathy plea. “I’ve missed being with you like this so much. It feels like it’s been years.”

  “Fuck, I know. I want you, Jules. Being around you without touching you has been pure torture for me.”

  At my words, she arches her back, thrusting her chest in the process. “I feel the same.”

  Our confessions are the last straw, and a moment later, we’re a flurry of clothes.

  When we’re both naked, I pause and look at her body in the moonlight. She is, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Luscious curves, the softness of them driving me to the edge of insanity. I momentarily forget everything else, the sound of blood rushing in my ears the only thing I can hear.

  When I line myself up at her entrance, I realize I’m still bare. Groaning in frustration, I sit back on my legs. “I don’t have a condom.”

  Julia pushes herself up, wrapping her hands around my neck. “I’m okay without one if you are. I’m on birth control and clean.”

  “I am too.” The words rush out in a quick breath. “Are you sure?”

  She nods, and before I know it, I suck at her nipples and plunge deep inside her.

  This.

  I’ve missed this.

  I can tell by the way she bites her lip that she’s trying to be quiet, but a moan slips out of her mouth anyway. “Yes. This is exactly what I need.”

  I doubt anyone can see us in the darkness, but someone could definitely hear us. Which neither one of us seems to care about.

  Our bodies work together like magic, causing pure ecstasy to pulse through my veins as I pump into her faster and faster.

  Midway, we switch positions, and the sight of her on top of me is glorious. The way she pushes her hands on my chest as she switches between moving up and down and rocking back and forth drives me out-of-my-mind crazy.

  I’m lost in her, there’s no other way to describe it. She’s all I can see, feel, and taste, making this experience as unbelievable as the other times with her.

  My grip on her hips grows possessive, and something feels different this time. It’s more intense than any other encounter I’ve had before, not just with her, but with anyone.

  With both of us being so on edge, it doesn’t take much longer for our orgasms to claim us, the shudders of pleasure rushing through me so strong, I see spots in my vision.

  She collapses on top of me, and we’re both quiet as I pull the blanket from the back of the lounge to drape over us, absentmindedly drawing circles on her back.

  Lying here with her in my arms under the night sky takes this experience to a whole new level, because she fits so perfectly. The touch of her skin feels right, and hearing her soft breaths makes me want to hold her in my arms every day, if only to hear her breathe.

  I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this content, like there’s nothing missing, for once.

  That’s probably the reason why it takes me a few moments to realize she’s talking to me and for the words to sink in.

  “I’m going to move out soon.”

  Chapter 19

  Julia

  This must be exactly what people mean when they talk about having an out-of-body experience.

  Yes, the words came out of my mouth, but it’s like my brain hasn’t fully caught up yet.

  Despite that, I have this burning sensation in my gut that tells me this is the right thing to do.

  Even though it seems a bit crazy.

  And most likely, it wasn’t the best moment to blurt i
t out a minute postcoitally, but it’s too late to take it back now.

  Carter’s still frozen under me, his body as tense as a board while he stares at me. A moment later, I start to untangle myself from him, sliding out from under the blanket to stand up.

  “What are you doing?” Carter’s voice is flat.

  My movements lack energy as I try to find my clothes in the dark. “Getting dressed.”

  If I ever find my clothes that is, since I have no idea where the heck we threw them. For a moment, I consider leaving them out here until tomorrow, but I’m not sure if my brother will stop by in the morning or not.

  I look at Carter’s face, immediately regretting it when I notice his surly features. It was barely a minute ago that I left his embrace, and I already crave his touch and closeness again.

  Which is exactly why I have to move out. With each passing day, this gets harder, and I don’t want to get to a point where it becomes too much. Especially when we seem to lust after each other like this. It’s only a matter of time before this goes south. Either my brother will find out or my stupid heart will get involved.

  With my luck, probably both.

  Might as well try and put some distance between us now, and hope like hell we’ll eventually be able to go back to a normal relationship again.

  I finally find both of our clothes and throw Carter’s to him.

  He grabs them, maybe a little too harshly. “Are you really going to move out? You just got here.”

  There’s a rough edge to his voice, and it makes my stomach roll.

  I can’t tell if he’s upset that I’m moving out or because I brought it up right after we had sex and it hurt his pride.

  Can’t really blame him for the latter. That definitely wasn’t my best moment.

  When I’m finally dressed, I feel collected to be able to look at him. “I don’t know how to explain it, but I think it’s the right thing to do. Whatever’s going on with us scares me, and I think it might be good for me to live on my own for some time too. Maybe I won’t like it, but I’ve never really tried, so I wouldn’t know.”

  His lips press together in a grim line, all the elation and happiness from sex long gone. “I thought we were having a great time.”

  I clear my throat at his directness, glad it’s harder to maintain eye contact in the dark. “I enjoy the time when we’re together, but I also know our limitations, especially if we continue to keep this from Ollie. It’s neither fair nor easy, and it makes me uneasy about the consequences. I think this”—I gesture back and forth between us—“will keep happening if we live under the same roof. It wouldn’t stop until it went downhill and then all hell would break loose. You and your friendship are too important to risk for a few rolls in the hay.”

  Just imagining the event unfolding makes my heart hurt.

  “Shit.” Carter rubs his hands over his face, roughly, before shoving them through his already messy hair. “I’ve been making a mess of things, haven’t I?”

  I shake my head. “None of this is your fault. We’re both adults, and we both wanted it. But I don’t think it would be good for us to continue . . . this.”

  What I don’t tell him is how scared I am of wanting more, of falling for him when he’s made it clear that’s the last thing he wants. The desire to be near him whenever he’s around has already grown to heights I didn’t expect, and I’m not even going to think about the smallest of butterfly babies that flutter around in my belly so often in his company.

  Total no-no.

  He doesn’t look happy, but at least he’s put his boxers and pants back on. Not that I can resist looking at the rest of his strong and toned body anyway. It seems like all sense of control between us has vanished, because I know I’m not the only one looking.

  Trying a different approach, I soften my voice. “You’re like family, Carter. I can’t lose you over this fling.” I have to catch myself from flinching at the words, but since I know his outlook on life and relationships, I’m realistic to know what this is.

  “Don’t call it that.” He speaks through his teeth without looking at me.

  Somehow his reply strikes a nerve with me, my voice having more bite than before too. “What else should I call it? I know who you are, and I’ve never expected anything more from you. You don’t need to get butt hurt because I’m the one saying it out loud rather than thinking it.”

  I take a step closer to him but refrain from touching him, which is a lot harder than it should be. “If you’re worried about me, I’m okay. I promise.”

  I am. I will be. Same thing.

  He doesn’t look convinced but nods.

  It looks like he wants to say more, but doesn’t.

  When the silence becomes too much, I start balancing my weight awkwardly on the balls of my feet. “Well, I better get inside and try to get some sleep. Looks like I’ll have a busy week ahead of me.”

  Carter studies my face, a pinched, tension-filled expression distorting his handsome features. “Let me know if you need help with anything.”

  I doubt it but don’t want to start another argument. “Thank you. Goodnight.”

  “Night, Jules.”

  With a heavy heart, I turn around and walk to my room, an unwanted numbness spreading through my body, confirming that if I keep having sex with Carter, the hollow feeling would only get worse.

  By some miracle, and spending more time online last night than actual sleeping, I have a few places to look at today. I thought it was going to take at least a few days, but after tossing and turning so much last night, knowing Carter was only a few doors down the hallway, I got desperate to check out what’s available.

  Since I didn’t want to go by myself, and the only two other people in my life, Carter and Ollie, both don’t qualify for this, I contacted Cora. Thankfully, Ollie didn’t question my motives when I messaged him to ask for her number, mentioning wanting to meet up with her for coffee.

  Smiling at Cora, I get comfortable in the seat across from her at the little coffee shop we settled on. “I hope it was okay I called. I know you’ve already had a busy morning working, but I didn’t know who else to call.”

  She glances at me over the edge of her large coffee cup. “Are you kidding? I’m thrilled you did. I’m not exactly sure how much I can help you with the apartment search, but I’m more than happy to offer my assistance however I can.” She’s about to take another sip when she lowers the Styrofoam cup again. “Ollie knows about this though, right?”

  I grimace and shake my head, a burst of guilt rushing through my system. “Not yet, but I’ll tell him tonight, I promise. I haven’t seen much of him, and I’d rather not tell him on the phone. It was somewhat of a spontaneous decision, but I know he won’t be happy about it. Hopefully, he can understand I need to do this though.”

  She’s silent for a moment, studying me in the quiet manner I’ve already gotten used to. “I know that’s partially my fault, for taking up the little time he has outside of work, but I know he was looking forward to spending more time with you. But you need to do what’s right for you, and your brother will get over it.”

  “If I only knew what the right thing was.” I blow out a breath, staring out the window briefly. We’re able to see part of the ocean from here despite the slightly gloomy weather today.

  How fitting.

  Cora had better luck with the weather earlier at her shoot when she and several other models experienced the sunrise on their paddle boards. The shoot was for a successful athletic clothing company, and I can’t wait to see the finished product. I bet Cora’s pictures will be perfect.

  “Hey.” Her hand reaches out across the small table, lightly squeezing my forearm. “You’ll figure it out. You’ve had a lot of things to deal with over the past few weeks and years. Sometimes it takes some time for everything to fall in place and that’s fine.” She laughs, the sound light and melodic, and I’m unable to keep my own smile from appearing. She’s so likable. “I hope it’s not w
eird I know so much about you when you probably don’t know a lot about me.”

  “No, it makes total sense. Like you said earlier, I haven’t seen much of my brother.”

  Her nod is gentle, understanding. “I moved here last year from the East Coast, and it hasn’t been as easy to meet new people as I thought it would be. I’d really like us to become friends if you want to.”

  “I’d like that a lot. Even though I’ve lived in this area for so long, it seems like I don’t have any friends left. People have either moved away after high school or college, or they couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with our family drama.”

  The easiness is gone from her face, a somber expression in its place. “I’ve learned a while back that a lot of people don’t know what to do when tragedy strikes. It’s sad, but there’s nothing you can do about it but move on. The good thing is you usually come out a lot stronger on the other side. Just remember that.”

  The heaviness in my chest feels a little lighter, and I can already tell that Cora’s presence in my life is going to have a positive effect. “I will, thank you. I’m so happy my brother met you.”

  “Me too.” She rubs her hands together. “Now, let’s see those apartments you told me about. I’m curious.”

  I pull my laptop out of my purse, and we spend the next hour going over possible prospects, sorting out the ones that aren’t good enough. Cora did this last year, and that seems like an advantage to me since she knows what to look for and what to avoid.

  Maybe, just maybe, I’ll actually make this work and get one step closer to the life I feel I so desperately need, especially with some distance from Carter, even if he doesn’t agree with my decision. Even if I miss him with every fiber of my being, it’s a necessary cost.

  Chapter 20

  Carter

  Julia glares at her brother, her hands on her hips. “Ollie. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

  In return, he throws his hands in the air. “I’m not doing any such thing. Will you stop saying that?”