Healed Hearts

by Helen Wilder

  “You know she asked me if I regret divorcing Eve. If she had any idea how miserable I was during that time she never would have entertained the thought I wanted to go back to that life.”

  “I know that and you’ll work this out, everybody argues. Trust me, tomorrow it will be like it never happened. Your baby will be here soon, concentrate on that and loving each other.” He pats me on the shoulder in brotherly support.

  “Thanks for letting me hang out, I should head home.”

  “Anytime, man.”

  I stop at a service station on my way home as it’s the only thing open at this time and buy Tori some chocolate. It’s my way of apologizing and it comes in handy as a peace offering. The house is quiet and dark when I enter except for the colorful lights still glowing on the tree. I immediately find my wife fast asleep in the living room on the sofa, a blanket covering her legs. Her hair has fallen across her face while her cheek rests in her palm. I take a seat beside her on the carpet.

  “Hey,” I whisper, brushing her hair back gently, slowly waking her up. Her other hand lies protectively on her stomach. She’s beautiful and peaceful and maternal. Even in sleep her priority is to protect our child. Her hazel eyes slowly open, blinking a couple of times as they register my presence, the small smile that was forming on her lips turns into a frown.

  “You’re home.” She states as a matter of fact, not showing any emotion with her voice.

  “I’m home.”

  “It’s snowing. I was worried about you driving in it.” Her face turns towards the window, seeing that the snow is still continuing to fall.

  “I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m fine. I was headed to the office but ended up at April’s. She was asleep so I stayed and talked to Thomas for a while.”

  “I’m still mad at you.” I move up off the floor to take a seat on the edge of the sofa, careful to not bump her stomach, I take her hand in mine, entwining our fingers together.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that Eve asked me to help her. I only saw her as another client which is why I didn’t say anything. Nothing more, nothing less. I love you, more than anything, you know that. You, me, this, our baby, it’s all I dreamed about while we were apart. I was hurt you would even question if I regret us.”

  “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it I was just angry. When I saw her name, all those feelings from the past that I’ve moved on from made themselves known.”

  “I never told you this, but that night when you told me about Hope, after I left here I drove straight to my sister’s house, I needed to talk to someone about it. I sat and watched my nieces sleep and cried and mourned over something I didn’t even know existed an hour ago. This baby we’re having means the world to me. You mean the world to me, this is my second chance to be a father to our child, to be able to share this with you and I’m not going to ruin this.” I keep my eyes locked onto hers so she can see the truth and sincerity in what I am saying. She struggles to sit up so I help her, then her arms are around my neck in a tight embrace. He little sniffles telling me she’s holding back tears.

  “Jordan you are going to be an amazing father, I have never doubted that. Yes this is our second chance but last time was just as much my fault for not telling you I was pregnant. Maybe things would have turned out differently, maybe not.”

  “I helped her because at the end of the day Eve and I agreed to be friends, she’s not the bad guy here. I can’t tell you what she needed me for but I can tell you it’s been dealt with and she no longer needs me. I may also have a little gossip, she told me she’s dating someone. Someone you know.” That has her quickly moving back to look at my face.

  “Someone I know?” She sits up straighter. “Who?”

  “Liam.” Her mouth opens and closes in surprise.

  “Wow, did not see that coming. I’m happy for them both. Liam’s a nice guy, just not the one for me.” She runs her hands down my chest.

  “Are we good?”

  “Yes. What’s in the bag?” She points to the white plastic bag I placed on the coffee table.

  “Chocolate.” Her grin is almost as bright as the lights on our tree.

  “I love you.”

  “Love you more.”

  “Not possible.”

  “Is possible.” I take her lips, kissing her softly, slowly and in an open-mouthed, inviting kiss, my hands gently cup her face as I lean backwards, resting against the sofa’s arm, Tori follows, relaxing into my arms once our lips break apart. I take in the peace and quiet along with the crackling of the logs in the dying fire. Our baby moves around, pushing against Tori’s stomach, running out of room inside its mother. Not long now and there won’t be another peaceful moment in this house for a while. I can’t fucking wait.

  Victoria

  These last three weeks have dragged on. With Christmas coming up I was out gift shopping almost every day but once I had bought presents for everyone I turned my attention to the house. I’ve washed and folded then refolded the baby’s clothes. The house is spotless clean and stocked up with food in preparation of giving birth. I haven’t been able to sit still, they call it the nesting phase and boy have I been nesting. I’ve even gone so far as emptying all the cutlery and crockery, washing, drying and replacing it in the cupboards.

  We’re spending Christmas Eve with Jordan’s family at my in-law’s house for dinner. I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it tonight considering early this morning I had a few contractions and I thought I was going to be in the hospital, but they were all over the place, not consistent at all or particularly painful. Jordan and I went for a long walk but that didn’t seem to help speed things along. It’s been hours now and nothing else has been happening to move my labor along so here we are, seated around the dining room digging in to a roasted turkey when I’m hit with some more unexpected small pains. I gasp and every pair of eyes turns to me.

  “I’m fine, guys, just small pains.” I’m ready to get this baby out. I’m exhausted, my back is painful and my bladder control is non-existent. I need to go to the bathroom for the thousandth time today. Excusing myself I head to the powder room down the hallway. Pulling my underwear down I notice the small blob of bloody mucus on my underwear.

  Don’t panic Tori. You know what this is.

  “Jordan!” I yell loud enough for him to be able to hear me through the door. He comes running, bursting in with concern evident in his green eyes, closing the door behind him.

  “What’s going on?” He has a panicked look on his face. “What is that?”

  “It’s my ‘show’, do you remember that birthing class we took, how we were told about it. The baby is on its way.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Pretty sure.”

  “Okay. What do you want me to do?”

  “Pass me your phone so I can call the hospital and let them know what’s happening and can you get me my bag. I should have a sanitary pad in there.”

  “I’ll be right back.” He returns not even thirty seconds later with my bag and helps me to clean myself up.

  As I’m on the phone answering the nurse’s questions I get a sharp pain which steals my breath. That’s the hardest and biggest contraction I’ve experienced so far. I grab and take hold of the front of Jordan’s shirt needing to hold onto something until it passes. Since my waters haven’t broken yet and my contractions are still far apart the nurse wants us to wait it out at home for a while longer until they get closer together. It could be hours of waiting.

  We step out of the bathroom to find everyone has moved into the living room. Walking in we’re met with concerned faces and a barrage of questions.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Are you headed to the hospital?”

  I lower myself onto the sofa before answering. “My labor has started but it could still be hours so we’re going to hang out here for a while and see how I go if that’s okay?”

  “Darling girl, you don’t e
ven have to ask, tell me if you need anything, don’t be shy.” My mother-in-law sits beside me patting my arm in support. “April and Thomas, you guys are welcome to spend the night here too if you like and Jordan, grab Victoria a glass of water and an ibuprofen tablet, it may help a little with the pain.”

  Everyone is excited but I’m nervous as hell. We try to pass the time playing cards however my pains are slowly coming on stronger. I sit. I stand. I pace around the room. The girls have fallen asleep so they’ve been placed in the spare room for the night. They are so eager for Santa to visit tomorrow and were worried that he wouldn’t find them if they weren’t at home. Checking the time again it’s getting close to eleven and Christmas day. I guess we’ll be having a Christmas baby after all.

  Jordan gets up to call the hospital for the third time after watching me suffer through another painful contraction. I try my best to concentrate on breathing through it but the pain is beginning to become unbearable. I overhear him telling them I’m in a lot of pain.

  “They told me to bring you in,” he says after hanging up. It’s been three hours since my initial call, even though it hasn’t been that long they’re probably tired of him calling them. I can see he’s nervous as well although trying to hide it for my benefit.

  Our family wishes us good luck as I’m helped to the car. Thank God I’ve had my hospital bag ready to go and in the trunk since a week ago so that’s one less thing to worry about. On the ride over my contractions begin coming hard and strong all of a sudden. They aren’t even five minutes apart, I would say more like every couple of minutes at this stage. It’s all come on so quickly. I’m holding onto the car door for dear life as my husband speeds through the quiet evening streets. I groan and cry in pain with each new contractions.

  “Son of a bitch!” It hurts!

  “Hold on baby, we’re almost there.” I hear the anxiety in his voice and nod.

  We’re greeted and situated in a room with pale pink walls. It’s very sterile with only a bed and some medical equipment and holds a strong smell of disinfectant. Jordan helps me to remove my underwear and lay back on the bed. A lovely midwife who I’ve seen at previous appointments comes in to examine me with a smile.

  “Someone is ready to come out and meet you. Let’s see how you’re doing.” She first checks the baby’s heart rate then my blood pressure before turning to the area that’s supposed to squeeze this little human out. “You’re almost seven to eight centimeters dilated. We’re going to set you up in a delivery suite. It won’t be too long now.”

  “Already?” How can I be so far along so soon? That means there’s no time for an epidural or anything. I need drugs. I begin to freak out at the thought of having no pain relief however the upcoming contraction tells me I have no choice but to be ready.

  “Jordan!”

  “I’m here baby.” He grabs my hand. “I’m not leaving your side.”

  I’ve been in hard labor for three hours since we arrived. I was walking around the birthing suite for a while, tried a hot shower to ease the pressure on my back and am now back on the bed. I’m so tired. The clock on the wall tells me it’s two in the morning. I want to sleep but can’t. Jordan has kept his word and not left me for a single second, encouraging me the best way he can. The midwife comes in to see how I’m going as it’s been an hour since she last checked on me bringing my doctor with her this time.

  “I’m sorry, I was tied up with another birth. How are you coping?”

  “I’m getting the urge to push,” I confirm. I’ve been fighting the sensation but I can’t hold back any longer.

  “Well then, let’s see what’s happening. Yep, you are ready and fully dilated. It’s time to push this baby out.” I turn to Jordan, fear and tears filling my eyes. I don’t want to cry. This is supposed to be a happy moment.

  “I’m afraid. Last time I did this…” I leave the words hanging as I cling to his arm. Last time I was alone and our baby didn’t make it. He knows all my fears and worries about what could go wrong and history repeating itself.

  “This isn’t like last time. I’m here with you, you are amazing and strong and very soon you are going to have our baby in your arms. I love you. I love you more than anything.” His eyes are warm, emotional and clearly expressing the love he has for me, giving me the encouragement I need to get through this final difficult part.

  “Let’s do this.”

  I’ve been pushing for over an hour and the baby is nowhere near out. I have no energy left. I’m hot, naked and sweaty and the pain is torture along with the pressure on my pelvis.

  “Come on, Victoria. You’re almost there. We just need a few big, hard pushes. When the next contraction comes I want you to push and not stop for ten seconds.” When it hits the doctor starts counting from one to ten, “Don’t stop, that’s it keep going, I can see the head.”

  “I can’t.” I’m ready to give up and let them cut it out of me.

  “You can.” Jordan whispers by my ear softly. “I’m not letting you give up. You’re almost there.”

  “One more big push, you can do this.” When the next contraction hits I give it everything I have, pushing like my life depended on it. I feel the burning pain as my skin stretches, I’m yelling out through gritted teeth, determined to have this baby out as soon as possible.

  “The head is out. Okay one more push and you can meet your baby.” I use up the last reserve of my energy, giving everything I have into it. I rest my weight against Jordan’s chest and exert myself to the point of almost passing out.

  “It’s a boy. Congratulations.” As soon as I hear these words I fall back in exhaustion and relief that it’s over but I don’t hear any crying. Why isn’t he crying? I turn wide eyes to my husband whose own eyes are glued on our son with a huge smile. If he’s smiling then there’s nothing to fear. At four o’clock in the morning tears of joy run down my cheeks when he’s placed on my naked chest. I hold him to me. I’m holding my son. Big wide green eyes to match his father’s look back up at me.

  “Hi there little guy.” I place a gentle kiss on his tiny forehead. “He’s perfect.”

  “He’s beautiful. Merry Christmas, baby. This is the best gift I could have ever asked for. Thank you. I am so incredibly proud of you. I am in awe of you.” His lips find mine in a short yet passionate kiss while cradling us both in his arms.

  “He needs a name.”

  “What about Noah? It means comfort and peace.”

  “I love it. Hi, Noah. You have no idea how happy I am to finally meet you baby boy.” He lets out a small cry before settling down again. My heart has never felt so full. This is what love at first sight truly means. I can’t tear my eyes away from him for even a second. As tired as I was only minutes ago, I’m now wide awake.

  “He’s really here. Can you believe it?” Jordan caresses his head softly with such awe in his voice.

  “He’s amazing. Our little Christmas miracle.”

  As soon as visiting hours start later that morning the whole Spencer family is here and squeezed into my room eager to get a look at the newest member. Wrapped in a light blue blanket Jordan picks up his sleeping son to introduce him.

  “We would like you to meet Noah Spencer.”

  Holding our precious son, the smile has not left his face, he is such a proud new father, he even changed his first diaper, talking to Noah, explaining what he was doing and I fell in love with him that little bit more.

  When I ran onto him at Yale all those years ago who knew the path our story was going to take would be full of so many highs and lows, separation and loss and in the end find ourselves here, our own little family being surrounded with love and support from so many wonderful people who fill this hospital room. Knowing what I know, I still wouldn’t change a thing. As my eyes scan the room to see everyone celebrating the birth of our son, this is another one of those memorable moments that will forever be engraved into my heart.

  A heart which has finally been healed from the hurt of th
e past.

  Victoria

  I stand in the doorway of the kitchen, silently observing my husband feed our son breakfast. Noah is in his highchair with more food and mess around him than has probably made it into his mouth and tummy. The mashed banana and cereal is definitely losing the fight this morning. I stand there a little while longer watching them interact. For a time there I believed that I would never see this picture before me, that this was not going to be my life and a happily ever after was not on the cards. I could not have been more wrong.

  Our baby boy is one today. It seems like I blinked and a whole year has passed. He began walking a month ago and I’ve been chasing behind him since. This last year has been both the most rewarding and challenging. As sleep deprived as I have been, I wouldn’t change a thing about it.

  “Merry Christmas, Counselor.” I walk in smiling at both my men.

  “Merry Christmas.”

  “Happy birthday my little man.” Placing raspberries and kisses on his soft cheek, he giggles in response. He has grown so fast and brings so much happiness to us. He has my hair, his father’s eyes and one dimple on his right cheek when he smiles. He’s the most beautiful boy there is.

  We’re having a combined Christmas lunch and first birthday party this afternoon. It’s going to be hectic. Becca, who of course is Noah’s godmother is herself pregnant with her first child and likes to complain about everything. I don’t think I was ever as bad as she is. April and Thomas’ kids will be running around, plus my in-laws together, add my grandparents who are here from Florida for a few days and we’re going to have a full house.