Lost Angel

by Kitty Neale

  ‘Go on, rub it in again. Do you think I like being like this? Do you think I like seeing my wife having to work while all I’m fit for is sitting around doing nothing?’

  Hilda flopped back down again and covered her face with her hands.

  ‘I’m sorry, Doug. I don’t know what’s wrong with me nowadays.’

  ‘I do, and I’ve known it for some time. It’s me, isn’t it? I’m less than a man and one who can’t even make love to his wife.’

  ‘No, Doug, it isn’t that. It’s just that I’m feeling a bit worn out, that’s all. I’m at work all day and then I have to come home to do the cooking and housework, let alone the washing and ironing.’

  ‘And I can’t even help you with that.’

  ‘I know, but do you have to be so miserable all the time, so bitter? And, yes, all right, you can’t make love to me, but you could at least show me a bit of affection. You never even hold me now, or kiss me, let alone cross the gap between us in bed.’

  ‘What do you expect? If I showed you a bit of affection, you’d get all excited. Then what? I’d have to leave you all het up and what good would that do?’

  Hilda took a deep breath, determined to bring it out into the open at last – determined to say what was on her mind.

  ‘Doug, there’s more than one way to please a woman.’

  ‘You wouldn’t be satisfied with that. You’ve always longed for another baby, but with the way I am now that’s never going to happen.’

  ‘We’ve got Ellen, and one day she’ll grow up, get married, and then we’ll have grandchildren. All right, we won’t have another child of our own, but surely that’s something to look forward to? In the meantime I just want to feel close to you again. I love you, and though we can’t do the things we used to do before your back gave out, as I said, there’s other ways to please each other.’

  ‘And you’d really be happy with that?’

  ‘Of course I would.’

  At last he smiled.

  ‘Well, then, I think this calls for an early night.’

  ‘Ooh, yes please,’ Hilda said, grinning back at him, chuffed that she had at last brought it out into the open. It might not be perfect, but at least she wouldn’t be taut with frustration all the time, and perhaps, just perhaps, their marriage could be a happy one again.

  Chapter 33

  Gertie sighed with relief as she signed the papers, the date November 1946. They had found another buyer for her father’s house, but it had taken a long time, and, though she had kept in touch by letter with Hilda, it had been over a year since she had seen her.

  Hilda had written to tell her that Doug was showing a little improvement, but that he was still unable to work, and it seemed that both she and Ellen were in the same jobs. Gertie suddenly realised with a start that Ellen would be sixteen tomorrow.

  While waiting for a buyer for her father’s house, she and Maureen had looked at other counties, both falling in love with Dorset. Yet when it came to starting the business, they decided to stay in Surrey – to gain customers they had to be close to a large town with good transport links. With the sale completed and the location settled at last, they could start looking for a decent-sized plot.

  Gertie smiled as they left the solicitor’s office. ‘Right, Maureen, we’re all set now.’

  ‘Are you still sure we’re doing the right thing? Nothing much has changed since the war ended last year and if anything rationing is worse. Vegetables might be more profitable.’

  ‘At the moment, yes, but I still think there’ll come a time when people will look to flowers again. It’s going to take some time to grow enough stock, especially trees and shrubs. In the meantime, with the amount of money we have behind us, a profit isn’t something we have to worry about for some time yet. First things first, and that means finding a few acres, with decent living accommodation too.’

  ‘Are you going to tell them now?’

  ‘Not yet. I’d like to find a decent plot first.’

  ‘Has it occurred to you that they might not accept?’

  ‘Of course they will. Now come on, I’ve just remembered that it’s Ellen’s birthday tomorrow. I don’t know how I forgot it, but let’s go and find her a nice present, and as I have something for Hilda too, we’ll pop round to see them before we leave London.’

  Ellen glanced at the clock as she finished serving a customer. Only five minutes to go until closing time, and though she still hated working in the shop, she was happier these days. It had been a long time since she had heard her parents arguing, and despite her dad still being unable to work, he was more like his old self, cracking jokes and making them laugh.

  At last Mr Morton turned the sign on the door to ‘closed’, saying, ‘Off you go, Ellen.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, feeling a shiver of excitement. She would be sixteen tomorrow, though her mum still treated her like a child, still refused to let her go dancing on a Saturday night. Janet had said that for her sixteenth birthday Ellen deserved a treat and had worked out a way to get around the problem. Tomorrow night, they would pretend to go to the pictures, but in reality Janet was taking her dancing, along with three other girls, and Ellen couldn’t wait. Janet had been teaching her the jitterbug, and she loved the energetic dance that had become the latest craze since it had been introduced by American servicemen during the war. It was fun, lively, and she just hoped a boy would ask her to dance.

  Ellen ran to get her coat from the backroom and left the shop. She saw her mother with her head down against the biting wind as she hurried towards her.

  ‘Hello, Mum.’

  ‘It’s bloody freezing. Let’s get home.’

  They both almost jumped out of their skin when they heard a toot behind them, and turned to see a car pulling into the kerb.

  ‘Ellen, it’s Maureen and Gertie.’

  ‘Jump in,’ Gertie called.

  ‘We’re only going round the corner.’

  Ellen ignored her mother and scrambled into the back of the car.

  ‘Hello, Gertie; hello, Maureen.’

  Maureen only smiled, but Gertie said, ‘Hello, darling.’

  ‘Come on, Mum. Get in.’

  At last Hilda did, asking, ‘Is this your car, Gertie?’

  ‘It certainly is and it’s so much nicer than public transport. How are you, Hilda?’

  ‘Fine, I’m fine.’

  Ellen was hardly listening as Gertie drove off. She had never been in a car before and even being driven round the corner was a treat. It had been so long – ages – since she had seen Gertie, but instead of disgust she felt only delight to see her again. Thanks to Janet she no longer felt so naïve. As time had passed, she had learned a lot from her friend, some things shocking, others sad – especially when Janet said that her experience with that so-called uncle had made her frigid, before going on to explain what that meant.

  ‘As you’re in London, I suppose it means you’ve sold your father’s house?’ her mother now asked Gertie.

  ‘Yes. It was all signed and sealed today.’

  ‘That’s good, and are you still going ahead with your business idea?’

  ‘Probably,’ Gertie said shortly, then turned the corner to pull up outside the house. ‘Here we are.’

  Ellen wished the drive could have been longer, but she’d enjoyed it immensely. She climbed out of the car, but once again was in for a shock. For a moment she thought her eyes were deceiving her, that it couldn’t possibly be him, but as he smiled, her heart did a somersault.

  ‘Billy! What are you doing here?’

  ‘I’ve got today and the rest of the weekend off and thought it was about time I came to see the parents instead of them travelling down to see me. I was just off to meet Percy. Mum said he’d be walking home about now.’

  Ellen couldn’t take her eyes off Billy. It had been so long since she had seen him and he looked so handsome. He was taller, his dark hair longer, and his green eyes were sparkling with interest as he now focused on
the car. Ellen managed to tear her eyes away as her mother got out, she too looking with surprise at Billy.

  ‘Hello, Billy. What are you doing here? Don’t tell me you’ve left the stables.’

  ‘No, I’ve just come for a short visit.’

  Ellen saw Percy strolling down the street and, as Billy left their side to walk up to him, she found her head reeling. After all this time she thought her feelings for Billy had been nothing – a childish crush, as her mother would have said – but now, seeing him once again, they resurfaced. It was only when her mother spoke that she was roused from her daze.

  ‘Come on, all of you, let’s get inside.’

  Gertie and Maureen followed her mother into the flat, but Ellen found that she couldn’t move as Billy and Percy now drew close. The contrast between them was startling, Billy tall, dark, and Percy a pale shadow by his side.

  ‘Well, Ellen, look what the cat dragged in,’ Percy said.

  ‘Yes, I know.’

  ‘Did I see that woman getting out of that car? What was her name? Yeah, Gertie, that was it.’

  Ellen nodded, finding that she was fixated on Billy again.

  ‘Has she said anything about that plant nursery?’ Percy asked.

  ‘Not really, and I told you ages ago not to build your hopes up.’

  ‘What’s all this about?’ Billy asked.

  Percy started to explain, but then Ellen saw her mother appear again, her voice impatient. ‘Ellen, it’s about time you came inside.’

  ‘Yes, all right. Bye, Billy, and maybe I’ll see you again before you go back to Hampshire.’

  ‘You look great, Ellen, and, yes, you can count on seeing me again,’ he said, grinning widely.

  Ellen’s heart skipped a beat and, feeling her face flush, she gave a small wave before hurrying indoors.

  Hilda saw her daughter’s red cheeks and her lips tightened. It was Billy, of course, and she hoped the lad wouldn’t be around for long. It was bad enough that Percy was obviously smitten with Ellen, though thankfully his interest wasn’t returned. She wanted more for her daughter than Percy, a lad who worked in a factory – or his brother, who was nothing but a stable boy.

  Gertie was talking, asking her something, and Hilda forced her worries to one side for now. ‘Sorry, what did you say, Gertie?’

  ‘I was asking if you remember any of the ornaments in my father’s house.’

  ‘Not really. I seem to remember my mother telling us to stay out of most of the rooms so we were nearly always in the kitchen or playing in your bedroom.’

  ‘She was probably worried that we’d break things. You know what my father was like so you can’t blame her for that. In fact, we almost did once.’

  ‘Did we?’

  ‘It was my fault, but luckily no damage was done.’

  ‘Why are you asking me about the ornaments?’

  ‘Along with the furniture and paintings, most have gone to auction. They should fetch a good price, but I thought you might like this,’ Gertie said, drawing something out of her bag. ‘I’m sure it’s something you will remember.’

  Hilda felt overwhelmed as she took the ornament from Gertie’s hand and, as she held the exquisite white porcelain angel, memories of her mother flooded her mind. It had stood on a small hall table on the first floor of her father’s house and they had passed it every time they went up to Gertie’s bedroom. Once, during a playful rumpus when Gertie had been chasing her down the stairs, it had been knocked over, but thankfully and miraculously it had survived the fall.

  ‘My…my mother loved this.’

  ‘Yes, I remember. She was furious that we might have broken it and said that it was the most beautiful thing in my father’s house. In fact, if you remember, she said that out of all of his lovely things, it was the one piece she coveted.’

  Hilda’s brows shot up. ‘I don’t think she actually used those words.’

  ‘Well, no,’ Gertie said with a chuckle.

  ‘The air was blue with her language.’

  ‘I know, but, as you say, she loved that angel.’

  ‘Gertie, I can’t take it. It must be worth a lot of money.’

  ‘Actually, it isn’t, or it would have been in one of my father’s cabinets. I don’t think it was to his taste and probably belonged to my mother. Please, Hilda, I’d like you to have it.’

  ‘But if it was your mother’s, wouldn’t you like to keep it?’

  ‘There was so much stuff in the house and I can’t keep it all. I’ve taken some things and have put them in storage for now, but the rest had to be sold.’

  ‘It’s lovely, Mum,’ said Ellen as she came to Hilda’s side to look at the ornament. ‘I can see why Gran liked it.’

  ‘My goodness, Ellen, you’re taller than your mother now.’

  ‘Thanks for pointing that out, Gertie. What with Doug being tall, and now Ellen, I’m beginning to feel like a midget.’

  ‘Of course you aren’t,’ Maureen protested. ‘I’m only just over five foot and you’re only a little shorter than me.’

  ‘Ta, that makes me feel a bit better.’

  ‘We may be small, but, like me, I bet you can stand up for yourself.’

  ‘Yes, Hilda can do that all right,’ Doug said ruefully.

  ‘We’ve got something for you too, Ellen,’ said Gertie. ‘It’s for your birthday tomorrow, but it isn’t from Father’s house. It’s in the car and I’ll give it to you before we leave.’

  ‘Oh, can’t I have it now?’

  ‘What do you think, Maureen?’

  ‘Yes, give it to her. It might not fit and we may have to change it before we leave London.’

  ‘All right then. Here, Ellen, take the car keys and you’ll find a package in the boot.’

  Ellen ran from the room, soon returning to rip open the wrapping. She gasped, her eyes wide with delight. ‘Oh, it’s lovely!’

  ‘You must have used all your coupons to buy that,’ Hilda said as she eyed the lovely blue coat that was cut in the fashionable, square-shouldered military style. Clothes were still rationed, and there were strict rules on the use of materials, even on buttons, with three being the maximum allowed. The cloth looked lovely and Hilda was sure it must have come from a really good shop. New clothes were a luxury now, and most women had to make do and mend, making their own if they could find the material, so this was a real treat for Ellen and she was thrilled for her daughter.

  ‘Ellen, try it on,’ Maureen urged.

  The coat fitted beautifully and as Ellen spun around her eyes sparkled with delight. ‘Gertie, Maureen, thank you, thank you so much.’

  ‘We’re just glad you like it and that it fits so well.’

  ‘She looks a treat in it,’ Doug said.

  ‘Yes, she does,’ Hilda agreed, and though she didn’t want to acknowledge it, her daughter now looked like a young woman and a lovely one at that. She was growing up fast and would soon be demanding more freedom and to go dancing with that flighty girl, Janet. Then it would be boys, courting…but then Hilda gave herself a mental shake. There was no need to worry about it yet. Ellen would only be sixteen tomorrow and there’d be plenty of time before she started courting. It would be a long way off, in the future; but when that time came, Hilda would see that anyone unsuitable was sent on their way.

  Chapter 34

  On Saturday morning when Ellen woke up, her stomach was churning with excitement. It was her birthday and she was going dancing with Janet that night, but it was the thought of seeing Billy again that was uppermost in her mind.

  ‘You’re up early. Happy birthday.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum, and wasn’t it nice of Gertie to buy me that coat?’

  ‘Yes, it was, but I’m afraid me and your dad can’t match up to something like that. Here, it isn’t much, but I hope you like it.’

  ‘Mum, it’s lovely,’ Ellen said as she unfolded the dark brown skirt. ‘When did you make it?’

  ‘I didn’t. Mrs Long offered to run it up for me and she’s d
one a really good job.’

  ‘Yes, she has,’ Ellen said as she held the skirt to her waist. New clothes were few and far between, but now she not only had a coat, she had a skirt too. ‘I love it, Mum.’

  ‘Happy birthday,’ her father said as he shuffled into the room.

  ‘Thanks, Dad, and thanks for the skirt.’

  ‘That was down to your mother, not me.’

  ‘Doug, it’s from both of us.’

  ‘Is there any tea made?’

  ‘Yes, and it’s still hot. You’d best get dressed, Ellen. We’ve both got work today.’

  Ellen pulled a face at the thought, wishing she had Saturdays off instead of a half-day on Wednesdays. Billy was here, upstairs, but stuck in the shop all day, she doubted she’d get a chance to see him.

  ‘I tell you what, Doug, it was smashing of Gertie to give me that ornament,’ her mother said as she nodded towards the angel figurine that now stood on the mantelpiece.

  ‘Yes, it was, but don’t you think she was a bit cagey about starting up that plant nursery? I could hardly get a word out of her…well, except that she’d been looking in the Surrey area.’

  ‘Perhaps she can’t find anywhere suitable and has changed her mind.’

  ‘I don’t know, maybe, but she’d be mad if she has. I reckon it’s a really good idea.’

  Ellen thought so too, but now went to get washed and dressed. She was standing at the sink when she heard Mabel’s voice, but by the time she was dressed and hurried to the living room, it was to find that she’d gone.

  ‘Did I hear Mabel?’

  ‘She popped down with that,’ her mother said, nodding at a small package on the table. ‘She said to wish you a happy birthday.’

  Inside was a pair of hand-knitted gloves. ‘I’ll go and thank her,’ Ellen said eagerly, glad of the perfect excuse for going upstairs.