Lost Angel

by Kitty Neale

  She found them eating. Mabel was the first to speak.

  ‘Hello, love. Happy birthday.’

  Ellen had to drag her eyes away from Billy. ‘I just popped up to thank you for the gloves.’

  ‘You’re welcome, and I expect you’ll be out celebrating tonight.’

  ‘Yes…I’m going out with Janet.’

  ‘That’s nice.’

  Ellen felt as if a butterfly was fluttering in her tummy when Billy looked at her, a smile on his face as he said, ‘I ain’t got anything planned for tonight and if you don’t mind, I might join you. Percy too, if he fancies it.’

  ‘It depends. Where are you going?’

  Ellen was flummoxed. She couldn’t say she was going dancing in front of Mabel – if she did, it was sure to get back to her mum.

  ‘Er…er, I’m not sure yet. I’ll have a word with Janet and tell you later.’ And with that, Ellen turned on her heels. ‘I must go or I’ll be late for work.’

  Ellen found that her heart was thumping as she went back downstairs. When she told Billy about the dance, would he want to come? And if he did, would he dance with her?

  ‘Percy, who is this Janet?’ Billy asked after breakfast as he followed Percy to his bedroom.

  ‘She lives at the end of the street.’

  ‘What’s she like?’

  ‘She’s all right, around my age and a blonde. From what I’ve heard, she’s a bit flighty.’

  ‘I like them blonde, but if you’ve got your eye on her I’ll keep my distance.’

  ‘No, I’m not interested.’

  ‘Mind you, Ellen is looking a bit tasty nowadays. I might go for her instead.’

  ‘No,’ Percy said quickly, ‘leave Ellen alone.’

  ‘Why should I?’

  ‘What’s the point in going after Ellen? She isn’t that type of girl, and, anyway, you’re going back to Hampshire tomorrow. Haven’t you got a girl there?’

  ‘Yes, Sheila, but it’s nothing serious, just a village girl who doesn’t mind putting it across.’

  ‘What! You…you’ve done it with her?’

  ‘Of course I have.’

  ‘Blimey,’ he said, sinking down onto the bed. ‘What’s the matter, Percy, ain’t you had your leg over yet?’

  ‘If you must know, I haven’t. What’s it like, Billy?’

  ‘Great, and you don’t know what you’re missing.’

  ‘You’re only sixteen and I can’t believe you’ve found it so easy to find a girl that’s willing.’

  ‘They ain’t all willing and I soon found that out. After that I stuck with Sheila, but I wouldn’t mind a change.’

  ‘Don’t, Billy. Don’t try it on with Ellen.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, all right, but I tell you what. If you think this Janet might give it up, I’ll leave her to you. It’s about time you lost your virginity and if you want a few tips, I’d be happy to pass them on.’

  ‘Go on then,’ Percy said leaning forward eagerly.

  Billy sat down on the opposite single bed. Yes, Percy could have Janet, and anyway, he’d clocked the way Ellen looked at him. Despite telling Percy that he would leave her alone, there was no way he was going to miss out on a girl who looked ripe for the picking.

  Ellen was bubbling with excitement as she got ready that night. It hadn’t been easy, but she’d managed to have a quick word with Billy and he’d agreed to go along with the ruse that they were going to the pictures. She knew her mother wasn’t really happy that both Billy and Percy were going out with them and for a while Ellen thought she’d refuse to let her go but, thanks to her dad, her mum had at last agreed.

  With a last look at her hair, Ellen put on her coat. She still needed to apply some make-up, but as her mother would never allow it, she’d arranged to meet up with Janet at her house. She’d put some on there and then they’d meet up with Percy and Billy on the corner.

  ‘Right, Mum, I’m going now.’

  ‘You look nice, love. That new coat suits you.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’

  ‘Don’t forget, I want you in by ten thirty and no later.’

  ‘Yes, Mum, I know.’

  It didn’t take long to get to Janet’s house, and as Ellen was let in she saw Janet’s mum flopped in a chair, a glass of something in her hand.

  ‘Hello,’ she slurred; her hand shook as she lifted the glass to her lips.

  ‘Hello, Mrs Pellmore.’

  ‘Mrs Pellmore, now that’s a laugh. How many times have I got to tell you to call me Sylvia? You two off out, are you?’

  ‘Yes, Mum, I told you,’ Janet said impatiently. ‘Now come on, Ellen, get your make-up on and we can go.’

  ‘That’s it, girl,’ Janet’s mum said. ‘Put on some slap and have a good time. Enjoy yourself while you’re young, that’s what I say.’

  ‘You certainly did,’ Janet said bitterly.

  Ellen quickly applied her make-up, then asked, ‘Do I look all right, Janet?’

  ‘You look fine. Right, Mum, we’re off.’

  Billy and Percy were waiting on the opposite corner, both leaning nonchalantly against a wall as they approached. Percy was the first to move towards them.

  ‘Hello, Ellen,’ he said. ‘You look nice.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said.

  ‘What about me?’ asked Janet. ‘Don’t I get a compliment?’

  ‘Er…sorry, yes, you look nice too.’

  Janet giggled. ‘Look at him blushing.’

  Billy had a cigarette clenched between his lips, eyes narrowed against the curling smoke, but now he threw it onto the pavement, crushing it underfoot.

  ‘So, you’re Janet?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s right, and you must be Billy. You don’t look anything like your brother.’

  ‘I’m the good-looking one,’ Billy said, his smile cheeky.

  ‘Huh, don’t kid yourself,’ Janet quipped.

  ‘Come on, are we going or what?’ Percy asked.

  ‘Yeah, why not,’ Billy said, falling in beside Ellen as they walked along.

  Janet was a blonde like Sheila and Ellen thought Billy would make a beeline for her. Janet and Percy were walking behind them, while Ellen was desperately trying to think of something to say. Come on, she told herself, say something; don’t walk along beside Billy like a dumb idiot.

  ‘Er…do you like dancing, Billy?’

  ‘Not really, though I don’t mind a bit of a smooch. I don’t get a lot of time for dancing and they only hold those daft ones in the village hall.’

  ‘Do you go with Sheila?’

  ‘Sheila? Oh, you mean that girl you were friends with. No, I hardly see her,’ he lied. ‘Anyway, she ain’t a patch on you.’

  Ellen grinned happily. ‘Can you do the jitterbug?’

  ‘No, though I wouldn’t mind giving it a go.’

  ‘I could teach you.’

  ‘What?’ he said, eyebrows lifting. ‘You can do the jitterbug?’

  ‘Yes, Janet showed me how.’

  ‘Well, I’m game if you are.’

  Ellen smiled with pleasure. Billy would be dancing with her, she would be teaching him the jitterbug and, who knows, they could end up dancing a smooch.

  The dance hall was buzzing, and at ten o’clock Billy was doing a slow dance with Ellen, unable to miss the scowl on his brother’s face as they passed him. Ellen had her head on his shoulder, humming dreamily to the music, and Billy tightened his arms around her. There were quite a few tasty girls there, including Janet, but why bother with them when it was so obvious that Ellen was hot for him?

  ‘Billy,’ she said, raising her head to look at him. ‘I’m sorry, but I’ve got to be home by ten thirty.’

  ‘Have you? All right, get your coat and I’ll walk you home.’

  ‘You…you don’t have to leave too.’

  ‘I’m not letting you walk home on your own. Now go on, get your coat.’

  Ellen looked delighted as she headed for the cloakroom, and nonchalantly Billy strolled up to his br
other.

  ‘I’m taking Ellen home.’

  ‘Right, I’ll come with you.’

  ‘No, Percy, don’t go. Come and have a dance,’ Janet urged as she took his hand to pull him to his feet. ‘It’s too early to leave.’

  ‘Yeah, go on, dip your boots,’ Billy told him. ‘Ellen will be fine with me.’

  ‘You won’t…’

  ‘I said I wouldn’t and meant it.’

  ‘Come on, Percy,’ Janet cajoled, pulling him onto the dance floor.

  Billy was smiling happily as he met Ellen by the cloakroom and, taking her arm, he led her outside. After the heat of the dance hall, the cold hit them, and using this opportunity he flung an arm around Ellen, saying, ‘Here, come closer and it’ll keep you warm.’

  ‘Thanks, Billy.’

  His mind was racing. Where could he take her? Where would he be able to find a bit of privacy? Unlike Hampshire, he couldn’t sneak her into a barn like he did with Sheila, but, as they turned a corner, Billy saw the perfect place. As they drew nearer to the derelict house, Billy gave it a quick scan. The front door was hanging askew and half the roof was missing, but the walls were still standing and he thought quickly before saying, ‘Look at that. One of my mates used to live there. Come on…let’s take a quick look inside.’

  ‘Wh…what for?’ Ellen asked, but offered no resistance as he put a shoulder to the door and made a gap large enough to pull her inside.

  ‘For this,’ Billy said softly, turning in the hall to put his arms around her and bending his head to give her a gentle, unthreatening kiss.

  ‘Oh…Billy…’

  Slowly, while kissing her again, Billy backed up through a door and into what he guessed must have once been a living room. The ceiling was nearly gone and he could hear the crunch of debris underfoot, but was aware of something soft too, perhaps carpet. His eyes at last adjusted to the gloom and he felt a surge of relief. Perfect – just perfect. His kisses deepened while he unbuttoned her coat, hands reaching inside.

  Ellen stiffened. ‘No…no, don’t, Billy.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ he murmured as though gentling a filly. ‘I just want to hold you.’

  She relaxed, but as his hands moved to her breasts, she tensed again. ‘No, Billy. I’ve got to go home now or I’ll be late.’

  ‘It’s all right, there’s plenty of time,’ he said, lowering his lips to hers again. He then kissed her face, her neck and she groaned softly. Billy found his excitement mounting, and this time he ignored Ellen’s small protest as he urged her onto the floor.

  ‘Oh, Billy, no, don’t,’ she said as his hand moved up her leg.

  ‘It’s all right, I won’t hurt you,’ he murmured, gently stroking her mound.

  At Ellen’s soft moan of pleasure, Billy’s arousal reached fever pitch. He had to have her, had to be inside her, and with one hand he managed to unfasten his zip. In a swift movement he ripped Ellen’s knickers to one side, stifling her cries with his lips, and ignoring the resistance as he forcibly entered her. She writhed, but it was too late now, Billy oblivious to anything as he frantically moved towards a climax.

  As Billy rolled off her, Ellen curled into a ball, tears running down her cheeks.

  ‘What’s wrong with you? Sheila didn’t make all this fuss the first time I had it off with her.’

  Ellen couldn’t bear it. Why? Why had she let it happen? Oh, she knew why. She had loved his kisses, the way he made her feel; a surge of something growing inside, a longing for something else, something more. She had pressed herself against him, allowed herself to be pulled to the floor, but had only become really frightened when he had pulled her knickers to one side. Oh, the pain, but it had been too late and he wouldn’t stop.

  ‘For Gawd’s sake, Ellen, you were asking for it and let’s face it, you didn’t say no.’

  She shook her head, still sobbing.

  ‘Flaming hell, I never took you for a cry baby. I’d have gone for Janet if I’d known you’d carry on like this. You were ready for it, and now you’re making all this fuss over a bit of fun. Now are you coming or what? I thought you didn’t want to be late home.’

  His words were like a dash of cold water and Ellen struggled to her feet, feeling sore and bruised. She hated herself, hated Billy now, and she stumbled outside, shoulders slumped. She didn’t wait to see if Billy was following her, her one thought to get home.

  Billy called out, but she didn’t look back, her feet moving one in front of the other, eyes on the pavement, until at last she turned into her street. It was only then that Ellen froze, her heart beginning to thump with fear. She couldn’t say anything, couldn’t tell her parents. They would go mad, absolutely potty, and she dreaded to think what they’d do.

  Ellen knew that somehow she had to pull herself together – had to act as if nothing had happened. She took a deep breath and then looked down at her coat, aware then that it was still unbuttoned, but in the dim street light it was almost impossible to see if it looked all right. She fastened the buttons, brushed it down with her hands, and then patted her hair. Did it show? Would they notice anything? Would they be able to tell?

  Outside the door, Ellen took another deep breath, forcing her voice to sound light as she went inside, calling, ‘I’m back.’

  The living room was empty, her mother’s voice coming from the kitchen.

  ‘Put the bolt across the door, love. Your dad’s just gone to bed and I’m off too. Did you have a good time?’

  ‘Yes, lovely,’ Ellen called, and turning back to bolt the front door, she held her breath. If the gods were on her side, she might just make it, and now she almost ran through the living room.

  ‘I’m going to bed too. Night, Mum.’

  ‘Night, love.’

  Ellen dashed into her bedroom and closed the door, leaning back against it as she heaved a sigh of relief. She had done it. She’d got to her room without being seen. She switched on the light, and gasped. Her new coat was filthy, covered in dirt and dust. How was she going to explain it away? She’d fallen over, that might work, she’d say she tripped and fell.

  Slowly Ellen undressed, feeling sick when she saw blood on her inner thighs. She felt disgusted with herself, wanted to wash the smell away, to wash all signs of Billy away. She had heard her mother go to bed, so, throwing a nightdress over her head, Ellen sneaked to the bathroom. Oh, how she would love to immerse herself in water, to scrub her body from head to toe, but she was only allowed one bath a week, and that in her mother’s leftover few inches of water.

  A glance in the mirror showed the make-up, smudged, her cheeks streaked with black mascara. Ellen blanched, horrified that her mother might have seen it. She had wanted Billy to think her pretty, but now she hated the make-up, wishing she could be an innocent child again as she frantically scrubbed it off. How could what happened be called lovemaking? Yes, it had been nice to start with, but then it had been painful, horrible.

  At last, still sore, but feeling marginally better, Ellen returned to her room, and, turning off the light, she climbed into bed, shivering with cold as she pulled the blankets up to her chin. She closed her eyes, longing for sleep, for forgetfulness, but it was no good.

  Behind closed lids, tears welled as she re-lived what had happened, and the things Billy had said that crushed her. He was seeing Sheila, had done it with her. She’d been stupid, an idiot, thinking herself in love with Billy, thinking that he might be falling for her too, but no, to Billy, it had just been a bit of fun.

  Oh, God, I hate myself, Ellen cried inwardly, and it was a long time before her tortured mind at last escaped into sleep.

  Chapter 35

  Ellen didn’t see Billy again. She knew he had left, that he’d gone back to Hampshire early that morning, but she had remained in bed, curled up in a ball of self-hatred and disgust. At ten o’clock the bedroom door opened. ‘Ellen, it’s about time you got up,’ said her mother. ‘I could do with a hand with the housework and I’ve got a stack of ironing to do.’ />
  ‘Yes, all right, I’m getting up now.’

  ‘Look at your coat. What happened? It’s filthy.’

  ‘I tripped over on the way home last night.’

  ‘You’d better hope a sponge down will get these stains off. You’ve only had it for five minutes and it’s in this state already.’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry, Mum.’

  ‘I suppose accidents happen. Did you hurt yourself?’

  ‘No, I’m fine.’

  Thankfully her mother left, but Ellen knew that somehow she’d have to pull herself together or there’d be more questions. She wanted to run, to flee, but there was no escape and somehow she had to act normally. Yet she didn’t feel normal – she felt that the last vestiges of her childhood had gone, her eyes well and truly opened now. Billy had flippantly taken a part of her, a part that could never be replaced. She was tainted, ruined.

  ‘It’s about time, and you needn’t think I’m seeing to your breakfast now,’ her mother said when Ellen finally showed her face. ‘You can get your own and then you can hang the washing up.’

  ‘I…I’ll do the ironing too if you like.’

  ‘No, it’s quicker if I do it.’

  After eating a bowl of cereal, Ellen picked up the bucket of washing, despondently going to peg it out, only to find Percy digging the garden.

  ‘Hello, Ellen, did you get home all right last night?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said shortly, but then had a thought. ‘Percy, if my mum mentions that I fell over last night, don’t look surprised.’

  ‘You fell over? How did you do that?’

  ‘I tripped,’ she lied. ‘My new coat’s in a bit of a state and she isn’t too pleased about it.’

  ‘Billy didn’t mention it.’

  ‘Why should he? It was only a trip and I…I didn’t hurt myself.’

  ‘Ellen, are you telling me the truth? I know what Billy’s like and if he did anything to you, touched you, I’ll flaming well kill him.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Ellen said, hiding her face as she pegged washing on the line. ‘Billy walked me home, that’s all. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re digging the garden again. I’ve already done it.’