Everything I Know about Love I Learned from Romance Novels

by Sarah Wendell

  “That…is a consequence of the feminine brain having reached a more advanced state of development,” said the female without looking up. “She recognizes that the selection of a gift requires the balancing of a profoundly complicated moral, psychological, aesthetic, and sentimental equation. I should not recommend that a mere male attempt to involve himself in the delicate process of balancing it, especially by the primitive method of counting.”

  For one unsettling moment, it seemed to Lord Dain that someone had just shoved his head into a privy. His heart began to pound, and his skin broke out in clammy gooseflesh…

  He told himself that his breakfast had not agreed with him. The butter must have been rancid.

  It was utterly unthinkable that the contemptuous feminine retort had overset him.

  —LORD OF SCOUNDRELS BY LORETTA CHASE, 1995

  DOMINIC (ALSO DOMINIC’S FATHER, THE DUKE OF AVON)

  Devil’s Cub

  By Georgette Heyer

  Dominic Alastair, called “Vidal” throughout most of Devil’s Cub, is, to put it frankly, a complete jerkwad. He takes advantage of women, he is rather insatiable in his appetites for things he shouldn’t be doing, and he thinks he is irresistible, which is why it is unabashed fun when he meets his match in Mary, the heroine.

  Ros says that she “loves the bad boys who turn (almost) good once they find the right woman: Dominic Alastair (Devil’s Cub) and Jasper Damerel (Venetia) are my absolute all-time favorites. Both of them are fun, clever, surprisingly caring, and utterly drop-dead gorgeous.”

  Broke Baroque agrees: “I tend to gravitate toward the Bad Boy end of the hero spectrum. I love me some rakes and libertines, the more dissipated and jaded the better, who are reformed by love. Well, not totally reformed, I guess—more like they fall in love and start to understand that there’s more to life than getting drunk all the time. I just like the fantasy of the playboy rake turning respectable for the love of a good woman.”

  Alex echoes Broke’s comments and says Dominic is one of her earliest ideal heroes: “I read Devil’s Cub at a clearly impressionable age and Dominic is, and always has been, at the top of my list. Entirely Alpha but I think Heyer puts it beautifully when Mary says, ‘I could manage him.’ I think that one simple line sums it up, really—we want to think that we can tame a bad boy.”

  FREDDY

  Cotillion

  By Georgette Heyer

  Heyer has crafted several heroes that readers adore, and Freddy is definitely one. Scribblerkat says that she adores Freddy because she loves “the Sidekicks and the Unlikely Heroes. But most of all I love the heroes whose primary characteristics are intelligence and a sense of humor. A prime example of the latter is Freddy from Georgette Heyer’s Cotillion.”

  Kitzie says that “there’s only one strictly romance hero that I like that would also be good in real life: Freddy from Cotillion. He would stand by you and make you laugh. That’s way more dreamy than a muscular torso.”

  And the top two heroes, the two that make the most readers swoon and make the patented Good Romance Novel Noise:

  JAMIE FRASER

  Outlander

  By Diana Gabaldon

  - AND -

  FITZWILLIAM DARCY

  Pride and Prejudice

  By Jane Austen

  Why these two? Samantha explains Fraser’s appeal best: “If I were going to use a fictional character as a measuring stick for future relationships, Jamie Fraser would be it. Gabaldon doesn’t gloss over his flaws. He’s not a perfect specimen of humanity, physically or in his personality. [His relationship with Claire] has its ups and downs, but the bond is deeper than ‘they’re the hero and the heroine, and therefore they shall live happily ever after according to the laws heretofore set forth by the romance gods.’”

  As for Darcy, his appeal as a romantic hero has been sustained for nearly two hundred years, since Pride and Prejudice was published in 1813. Part of his appeal lies in his transformation, from sullen, unyielding snob to dedicated, quiet suitor for Elizabeth Bennet’s affections. Darcy initiates such a complete change to his character, all in an effort to be worthy of someone else, and that effort has earned him many a sigh-worthy moment from romance readers.

  Colin Firth wet and almost-shirtless helps considerably as well.

  THE TOP NINE ROMANCE HEROES

  * * *

  9. Miles Vorkosigan, the Vorkosigan Saga, by Lois McMaster Bujold

  8. Roarke, the In Death series, by J. D. Robb

  7. Davy Dempsey, Faking It, by Jennifer Crusie

  6. Phin, Welcome to Temptation, by Jennifer Crusie

  5. Dain, Lord of Scoundrels, by Loretta Chase

  4. Dominic, Devil’s Cub, by Georgette Heyer

  3. Freddy, Cotillion, by Georgette Heyer

  2. Jamie Fraser, Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon

  1. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen

  We Know What Not to Want

  In addition to recognizing quality people and solid relationships that can survive anything that life—or a romance author—can come up with, one of the most important codes that romance novels hide within the genre is the ability to identify what makes for damaging, hurtful, and dangerous relationships. Many romance characters are recovering from difficult or even deadly relationships with people who were abusive, sneaky, or just neglectful. From a narration standpoint, it makes for easy contrast with the hero: the hero is light years more hot, stable, kind, honorable, and worthy than the Bad Ex or the Former Husband or even the Vengeful and Somewhat Batshit-Crazy Father Figure. From a reader’s standpoint, it’s a laundry list of behavior to avoid and, more importantly, to recognize. What’s interesting is how many romance readers recognize traits they love in fiction and in heroes which they would abhor in actual people—and how these readers can absolutely identify the differences and similarities in their own lives.

  A reader on my site who goes by the name “readinginpublic” says that she’s noticed when something that’s alluring in fiction is not at all appealing in real life: “What I love in book heroes is very off-putting in a real-life man. There’s a guy in my life right now who is completely chasing me. He’s very jealous, aggressive, emotionally dependent, and is a black belt in tae kwon do. But although I like the protective part, everything else is just scary, considering that he won’t take NO for an answer!

  “I admire that in book heroes, but the slight obsessiveness is frightening in real life. It’s weird. What I read about in books, I will not always like in an actual man. I think that what I’d like in a man in real life is more the type who is willing to be pursued rather than doing the pursuing. He’s got to be independent. No whining about how he can’t live without me.”

  The romance version of the driven man who pursues the person he is interested in comes with the Romance Novel Guarantee that, by virtue of being the hero of a romance novel, this hero comes with the best and most virtuous of intentions and is meant to be with the heroine. In other words, he won’t go all psychopants in the end and turn into a complete assnugget. One hopes that the author will write a convincing story that will explain or mitigate some of the driven obsessive pursuit that, as readinginpublic says, is rather alarming in real life. Someone who is “jealous, aggressive, emotionally dependent” and possessing the capability to do violence is not a benevolent protector.

  It can be difficult to tell the difference between someone who has the capacity to change, and someone who is plain, unfiltered crazysauce in fiction and in real life. As Hezabelle wrote, “I like them best when they seem like stubborn jerks but then have this secret caring/protective side. Sadly, I like them like that in real life too. But without inner dialogue it’s a lot harder to tell whether they’re secretly caring or just plain stubborn jerks.”

  Alpha Lyra has a list of hero traits from romances she cannot stand that apply to both real and fictional men: “Rakes (all I can think of is how many STDs they must have). Asshats. Passive men lacking in ambition o
r passion. Misogynists (men who hate all women until they meet the heroine).”

  If you’re not familiar with the term, “rake” refers to a male who has an absolutely jaw-dropping number of sexual partners in his back story and is, in short, a giant slut with a coating of titanium to keep the diseases away. Rakes hold a certain appeal for some readers, but only in fiction, probably because of that mythical titanium shield! Kitzie says that “My favorite heroes are mostly rakes. I think they are vulnerable but strong, able to find a way to avoid hurt, even if it’s not the best road to happiness. The best are Sebastian from Devil in Winter (Evie sees through to his sensitive parts, and he loves her anyway) and Vidal in Devil’s Cub (when he actually acts his age and begs his father to tell Mary she must marry him? I just die. Plus, Mary shoots him. ’Nuf said). But a rake wouldn’t do in real life—they never deal well with people seeing past their facades.”

  His self-control, always so solid, evaporated like hot water on a stove plate. “I’m not worried about you, damn it! It’s just—holy hell, it’s not done, Evie. The Viscountess St. Vincent can’t live in a gaming club, even for a few days.”

  “I didn’t realize you were so conventional,” she said, and for some reason the sight of his ferocious scowl elicited a twitch of amusement at the corners of her lips. As subtle as the twitch was, Sebastian saw it, and he was instantly thrown from anger to bemusement. He would be damned if he would be put through a wringer by a twenty-three-year-old virgin…near-virgin…who was so naïve as to believe that she was any kind of match for him.”

  —DEVIL IN WINTER BY LISA KLEYPAS, 2006

  A reader named Wendy says, “Seriously. I love me some brooding, Possible Interesting Secret Damage in a book, but in life: yikes. No.

  “My real-life this-does-not-work example: My sister keeps dating these lovely musicians who come off either mysterious or playful (with a hidden something), but to a man, they live with their parents in their mid to late twenties. Under the smoldering, reading of philosophy, and talent, the immaturity is VAST. She’s care-taking, and they may or may not pick up the ball when she needs them to. I understand the attraction, but no. I want a guy who will drive me to work when the roads are icy and wash the dishes—partnership and small care-taking—and still think that spontaneous sexoring on the stairs is a really good idea.”

  Sometimes, finding a man who in one key way is the opposite of a preferred type can make a huge difference, as Joanna S. explains: “The types of dominant men/heroes who make me tingle deliciously in my no-no place in romance novels would make me run screaming in real life, or possibly dial 911 upon meeting them. The good news is that I did finally find my Stoic Alpha in real life, and I knew he was my dream guy when, three months into our relationship, I asked how he felt about me, and he looked me dead in the eye and said (without any hesitation or stammering), ‘I love you, of course!!’ Mrowr.”

  Sallie decided that, after reading about too many, “damaged, brooding, tormented heroes really aren’t attractive. There’s no strength or desire in me to engage their demons; I have my own.

  “I passed on a romance with a troubled man in favor of one with my husband, a transparent, peaceable, optimistic man who had a happy childhood. The odd thing is, my husband does find damaged, hurt women attractive. He wants to fix them and make them happy, which was my good luck. But since I do not find anger, depression, and pain attractive, and I know they’re not good for children, I give my family the best of me that I can.

  “This is what romance novels never, never told me, but life has: it is fantasy—foolishness if you expect it in life—to think that you can be the heroine who tames the alpha rake and turns him into a devoted, faithful husband, all for the love of you. It is much more sensible to start off with the nice guy who loves you and wants to be true.”

  Without the “Romance Novel Guarantee”™ and its assurance of the happily-ever-after by page three-hundred-whatever, it can be difficult to see past the negatives, especially without any signal that there are heroic qualities as well. Tracy Hopkins says that she is “also attracted to the fictional kinds of guys that sensible me would never go for in real life: J. R. Ward’s Zsadist as the damaged soul screams for me…but in real life? Too much baggage. In a romance novel, you know the guy is going to turn out okay, so it’s OK to love him…in sensible real life, you know you’re never going to fix him so you need to stay away. In real life, I’ve been known to try, unfortunately.

  “Stan from Suzanne Brockmann’s Over the Edge is one I go for in fiction and in real life…the protector sort. My real-life protector doesn’t have abs that nice, though. On the other hand, he’s real. And sensible.”

  Laurel similarly has a line between real-life-possibility and no-freaking-way when it comes to hero behavior: “I like some Alpha in my heroes, borderline overbearing, but never, ever, ever disrespectful. It’s a tricky balance between slightly overprotective and ‘don’t you worry your pretty little head, sugar britches.’”

  Milena agrees: “I, too, often like heroes who would not be charming in real life. There’s one important thing for heroes to work for me both in books and in real life, and that’s understanding that they were wrong and trying to make it right. One of the latest examples that comes to mind is Rhys from Iron Duke: he’s obnoxious at first, but slowly learns how not to be—and that’s when his best qualities really get to shine.”

  “I like some Alpha in my heroes, borderline overbearing, but never, ever, ever disrespectful. It’s a tricky balance between slightly overprotective and ‘don’t you worry your pretty little head, sugar britches.’”—LAUREL, A READER

  A Thrilling Yarn explains why romance readers adore certain heroes—and what reading about the heroic perfection in some fictional novels gives to readers: “The hero is not perfect for every or any woman out there; he is perfect for that specific heroine. I think it makes the reader have more hope for her own life or relationship. Not every girl will be able to land a Brad Pitt or a Fabio, but you have a realistic chance at that one man who is flawed, but flawed in a way that you can stand, and maybe even complement. Freddy in [Georgette Heyer’s] Cotillion is wonderful because he does small things and isn’t the most handsome or the most intelligent or the most charming, but he is the RIGHT man and the man that will make THAT heroine happiest. The Grand Sophy has another great hero that would be a horrible match for many ladies, but is perfect for Sophy. There isn’t much to the book after the proposal, but you close the pages knowing that they will bring out the best in each other for the entire marriage.”

  Caitlin, as well, learned from older romances what she definitely Did Not Want in a hero: “They taught me what type of future partner I wanted. In my early forays into romance, it was one of the few book types not commonly in the house. So the stuff I picked up was from car boot sales and fairly old, and the heroes were such DICKS. They were strong, and passionate, and mentally and physically steadfast, which I learned I liked, but they were SO HORRIBLE. Why couldn’t they just talk about things? Why couldn’t they just say they loved her? So subconsciously I resolved to find a partner with their good traits, while simultaneously actively deciding to find someone who wasn’t a complete TOSSPOT.

  “The hero is not perfect for every or any woman out there; he is perfect for that specific heroine. I think it makes the reader have more hope for her own life or own relationship… You close the pages knowing that they will bring out the best in each other for the entire marriage.”—ATHRILLINGYARN, A READER

  “Later, romances taught me not to settle. Young women are frequently taught to settle. With their high-school boyfriend, or anyone who is ‘good enough.’ Not to say there is any such thing as a perfect person, as a soul mate, just two people with a lot in common who love each other—romance novels trained me into thinking I was worthy of adoration, not just someone who kept me around, thought I was cute, and guessed they could put up with me. Someone who saw every part of me and loved me so fiercely it was insane. Someone who lo
ved me, in short, like a romance novel hero. And I was told that sort of love doesn’t exist, that it doesn’t stand up to every day, that men are borderline dumb animals who have to be trained into humanity. But I looked, because I wouldn’t settle. I couldn’t imagine anything more soul-destroying, and after a lot of fun, I found someone exactly like that. And that romance-novel love has lasted seven years, through severe illnesses, depression, his terrible farts, etc. As I said to him, if you can both have the norovirus at the same time (Google it) and still look at each other three days later and love each other and want to jump each other’s bones, three days after you were too scared to fart in case it wasn’t a fart, you know it’s real.”

  By far my favorite comment from all the authors and readers who responded to my questions and requests for help came from Robyn Carr, who looked at the idea of what readers and writers learned from romance, and how happy-ever-afters can be taught one book at a time, and turned that question on its head: “I think the antithesis of the question is more important—what do we learn from romance novels that we shouldn’t get over?

  “Romance novels trained me into thinking I was worthy of adoration, not just someone who kept me around, thought I was cute, and guessed they could put up with me. Someone who saw every part of me and loved me so fiercely it was insane. Someone who loved me, in short, like a romance novel hero.”—CAITLIN, A READER

  “When our heroines walk away from lying, cheating, abusive relationships, our readers stand up and cheer! When our heroes fail to fall for mean, selfish, manipulative women, our readers applaud! Men and women in real life and in romance novels find themselves trapped in unhealthy, destructive relationships all the time, and when they choose to believe they deserve love, respect, and healthy, enduring relationships, when they reclaim their lives and demand only excellent treatment and a love they can fully trust, life is good. Readers are not only satisfied—they use those characters as role models.”