Everything I Know about Love I Learned from Romance Novels

by Sarah Wendell

  We Know How to Spot Real-Life Heroes and Heroines

  If you watch television at all, or have perhaps flipped through a popular magazine in the last few years, you might have noticed that it’s kind of hard (ha!) to be a guy right now. The male beauty industry has made some serious strides in potentially high-cost product marketing. There are new male body colognes, body washes, hair dyes, skin care products—all with that same condescending tone that women receive from the beauty industry as well. To wit: “You do not look good right now. We might be able to help.” Both genders are told regularly they aren’t thin, bulky, hairless, hairy, svelte, muscular, or perfect enough. And it’s easy to arrive at the conclusion that romance novels propagate the idea that the pinnacle of beauty is a level to which most humans cannot ascend, and that therefore most folks can’t be romance heroes or heroines.

  So not true. I’ll tell you why.

  Each gender is schooled in a standard of beauty and we’re programmed to notice when others of the same gender do not live up to that standard. But when it comes to the objects of our affection, regardless of their gender, we don’t notice any of that stuff. Ordinary people are way more heroic than the air-brushed super-enhanced image of any model, anywhere (even in the shower, or on a horse, with or without Old Spice).

  The real heroic traits for men and for women are much trickier to sustain in real life than keeping a perfect mullet all mullety with gleaming mulletness. Moreover, they are all internal characteristics and things you likely learned as a child when you were taught how to treat other people (the difference now being that biting other people, when consensual, is much more acceptable). So what are the traits that form the foundation of a hero or heroine? Funny you should ask, because romance authors and readers know them all—particularly Loretta Chase, who, as I said earlier, pretty much knows everything, including tomorrow’s lottery numbers.

  TRAITS OF AN IDEAL ROMANCE CHARACTER*

  * * *

  respect

  honesty

  compassion

  honor

  courage

  intelligence

  sense of humor

  *Also, the traits of a decent human being—quelle surprise!

  New York Times bestselling author Robyn Carr says that RESPECT is the key ingredient in a hero or heroine: “It supersedes all. It doesn’t mean they never quarrel or misunderstand or get angry—but it means fighting fair, striving to understand, and [having] a willingness to forgive. Men and women in life and in romance should have basic, fundamental respect for their opposite sex; for all human beings, for that matter. And, when some action or behavior causes a loss of respect and trust, that happily-ever-after cannot come into focus until it’s restored.”

  New York Times bestselling author Jennifer Crusie, author of Bet Me, one of my favorite contemporary romances, says that one of the most important elements to being a hero is COMPASSION, but that not every romance hero is a one-size-fits-all parallel to humanity: “I don’t believe in romance rules. But for me, a big one is empathy, that ability to understand the other person’s experience. Another one is respect for others, a sort of global application of the old idea of watching to see how your date treats the wait staff.

  “I think a character has to be complete in herself or himself before she or he can emotionally connect to another in a partnership. The old ‘you complete me’ line makes my blood run cold. If they have all of that going for them, then they’re likely not to lie or cheat or stalk or do any of the other things that kneecap a relationship.”

  Anna Campbell, another New York Times bestselling author (I think I’m going to be writing that phrase a lot in this book), echoed Crusie’s sentiments on empathy: “You know, the fun answer to this would be a big, powerful chest and bulging biceps and a lantern jaw and a lot of (ahem!) stamina. And that’s just the heroine! But the real (and less fun) answer is all the old golden virtues—you know, HONESTY AND COURAGE AND INTELLIGENCE AND KINDNESS AND HONOR AND A SENSE OF HUMOR. An ability to forgive comes in handy. Empathy for another person’s suffering. Self-sacrifice for the beloved. Sometimes our hero and heroine start out with all this good stuff. Sometimes they have to learn it.”

  “You’ve got to find your own way, your own answers.” Ray smiled at Ethan out of brilliantly blue eyes, and Ethan could see the creases deepen around them. “It means more that way. I’m proud of you.”

  Ethan felt his throat burn, his heart squeeze. Routinely he rebaited the pot, then watched the orange floats bob on the water. “For what?”

  “For being. Just for being Ethan.”

  —RISING TIDES BY NORA ROBERTS, 1998

  Nora Roberts agrees that the individual must be complete before pairing up with someone else: “I think to engage the writer’s, the reader’s (especially if it’s me), and the romantic partner’s respect, a hero or heroine must have—and this is a quote from Mary Blayney—‘honor at the core.’ Whatever they’ve done or will do, no matter how flawed they are, there has to be that CENTRAL CORE OF HONOR.

  “They must be open, or learn to be open, to love, to compromise, and please God to humor. If they’re closed off, and remain so, they’re likely going to be too stubborn, selfish, humorless, and egotistical to engage my interest as a writer and as a reader…

  “If the hero or heroine is a complete asshole, if he or she is physically or emotionally abusive, lacks that core of honor, I’m not going to care enough about them to read their story. Unless they develop that core, unless they evolve, grow during the course of the story. That may very well be the point of the story, and could be brilliantly done. Love changes the asshole.”

  Jill Shalvis says, “I always like to say that heroes (and heroines) can look, talk, and act differently but the one trait they have to possess is A GOOD HEART. It’s a requirement.”

  She’d been working for Wilder Adventures for a week now, the best week in recent memory. Up until right this second when a shadowy outline of a man appeared in her room. Like the newly brave woman she was, she threw the covers over her head and hoped he hadn’t seen her.

  “Hey,” he said, blowing that hope all to hell.

  His voice was low and husky, sounding just as surprised as she. With a deep breath, she lurched upright to a seated position on the bed and reached out for her handy-dandy baseball bat before remembering she hadn’t brought it with her. Instead, her hands connected with her glasses and they went flying.

  Which might just have been a blessing in disguise, because now she wouldn’t be able to witness her own death.

  But then the tall shadow bent and scooped up her glasses and…

  Handed them to her.

  A considerate bad guy?

  —INSTANT ATTRACTION BY JILL SHALVIS, 2009

  Author Sarah MacLean holds her heroes to the same standards as her heroines—and on both sides of the heroic equation there is plenty of work and behavior to emulate: “Even though I write historicals, in which many seem to expect that relationships be inherently unequal because of the time period, I say we shouldn’t expect anything more of our heroes than we do our heroines. And vice versa. Great relationships are based on equality. So here are my requirements for heroes, heroines, and happily-ever-afters:

  Don’t be mean.

  Don’t cheat.

  If you hurt the person you love, apologize (if groveling is necessary—and it probably is—don’t phone it in).

  And finally and most importantly, trust your partner. Trust, trust, trust. Far too many romances (in both real life and in romancelandia) brush over this one. I don’t understand relationships that rely on shared email accounts or (worse) account hacking. I don’t understand relationships that require hourly check-ins by phone or text. And I definitely don’t understand romance heroes who lose their jealous minds when they see their obviously loving heroines talking to other men. It’s not sexy. It’s scary.

  “Let me say it again. TRUST your partner. If you can’t, this is probably not going to work.”
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  Author Alexis Harrington has a working model for creating a romance hero: “A hero doesn’t need to be perfect—I’d rather have a man with human frailties and self-doubts. But despite his imperfections, he must have a NOBILITY OF SPIRIT that gives him the ability to recognize his own flaws, to see the good in others, and ultimately, to do the right thing, regardless of the cost to himself.”

  Eloisa James, New York Times bestselling author of more than eighteen novels, points out that the courtship isn’t always the most difficult or emotionally challenging part of a relationship: “I think marriage is really tough—it’s one of the reasons that I don’t write romances that end at the altar. And very often people need to learn those rules of conduct while married, rather than before. So I think that partners need to be thoughtful, empathetic (i.e., able to imagine what the other person is thinking), sensuous (interested in pleasure—the frequency or athleticism of the event is not important), and loving. The last is probably most important. It’s actually not all that easy to learn to be loving—to take care of the other person, to think of them, to love them. It’s a lot easier to get irritated. So I’ll add patience. I certainly have learned a lot about patience as a married person.

  “Finally, you have to be FAITHFUL. Unfaithfulness—emotional or physical—destroys a relationship.” And that’s true in or out of a romance novel—but you knew that, right? Of course you did.”

  Teresa Medeiros has very specific ideas about the rules of conduct for a hero or heroine, and she defines the lines they absolutely cannot cross—lines that work both in fiction and in reality:

  A romance hero or heroine might end up in a battle of wit and wills with their partner but they would never ever emotionally demean or physically abuse them.

  They’re more likely to find the beauty in their partner that the rest of the world may have missed.

  They’re also faithful. From the first moment their gazes meet, they don’t have eyes for anyone else.

  And a romance heroine doesn’t just stand by her man. She stands up to him! And he adores and respects her even more for having the courage to do so.

  A romance hero must always be willing to rush into a burning building to save a basket of kittens.

  Christina Dodd says that romance protagonists can get away with doing just about anything so long as there’s a good reason: heroes and heroines “get to have a different code of conduct than the rest of us, i.e., they can do crummy things as long as they do them for an honorable cause.

  “For instance, in The Barefoot Princess, an historical romance, Princess Amy kidnaps Jermyn Edmondson, marquess of Northcliff, and chains him in her basement because she believes he had destroyed the livelihood of her village (and because he was the lord of the land and he’d thoughtlessly turned over the stewardship to his wicked uncle, he was ultimately responsible). The action is reprehensible. The reason is honorable. It’s a simple plan, destined to succeed—except that Uncle Harrison is Jermyn’s heir and he would be delighted if someone killed his nephew and left him with the title and fortune, and Jermyn is handsome, arrogant, and a little cranky with Amy for manacling him.”

  Kresley Cole says that to construct the ideal hero and heroine, the trust and respect are obvious and required, but “they also need A SHARED SENSE OF HUMOR to have a chance at a lasting HEA. I believe humor is a buffer against the everyday aggravations that can wear on a relationship. If I read a scene with the hero and heroine laughing together, then I feel much more confident about their HEA.”

  Suddenly, she twirled around and brushed a sizzling kiss on his cheek. His eyes narrowed suspiciously at her, but she merely laughed. “It’s called—say it with me—a-fec-shun.”

  He’d just assumed she flirted because that was her nature. Yet could she…could she truly be interested in him? Even attracted to him—with his red eyes and scars?…

  “Why would you show me affection?”

  She answered, “Because I…feel it?”

  “Why?”

  With a laugh, she asked, “Why, why, why? Must you question everything good?”

  —DARK NEEDS AT NIGHT’S EDGE BY KRESLEY COLE, 2008

  Author Rachel Gibson says that reality is the major draw for readers and writers, because her characters have to seem possible: “For me personally, the hero and heroine must seem like real people. Real people with real problems who handle them realistically.

  “In order for a hero and heroine to earn their happy-ever-after, they have to learn and grow as people. They have to start at one place and grow as human beings. The growth can be as simple as forgiveness or as complicated as overcoming death or betrayal. I believe that fiction has to be even more realistic than real life.”

  Grace Draven agrees, and says her own ideal hero and heroine wish list helped her create the hero and heroine of her book Master of Crows. She combined a terribly grumpy and flawed hero with an inner core of honor and integrity, and a shy, plain heroine with a tremendous personal strength. Martise of Asher bargains with her masters for her freedom: she will spy on a feared sorcerer, Silhara of Neith, and find enough evidence of wrongdoing that her masters can get rid of him. But when she falls in love with him, she learns that he is corrupted—literally. An evil god has invaded Silhara’s consciousness, tempting him with limitless power if Silhara will help this god rule over the world. According to Draven, the best romance heroes and heroines display “the commonality of HUMANITY in all its dirty glory, with a spit-shine of heroism to make it respectable.”

  Honesty and the ability to deal with real human emotions is a major element that author Caridad Ferrer uses to develop her heroes, who, because Ferrer writes young adult romance, are younger than the usual romance hero: “The thing about love is that it’s scary and we see it over and over in the books we love, how it prompts people to behave in crazy ways that are driven by the fear that sort of intense emotion tends to provoke. So it’s not just about being honest with each other—characters need to be HONEST WITH THEMSELVES and have that pep talk and go, hey, you know, this love stuff? It’s terrifying.”

  Reader Darlynne encompasses all true heroic traits when she says that “in real life and fiction, and after thirty-four years of marriage, the most enduring, endearing, and important characteristics of a hero for me are these: Is he someone to be trusted with all the things that matter? Does this person have the respect of his peers? Is he someone others count on?

  “The fictional hero-type that fits this bill for me is Cosmo Richter from Suzanne Brockmann’s Hot Target. He is equal to all situations except the emotional ones. He has a plan, a course of action; he is prepared and ready. People count on him and know their lives are safe in his hands.

  “In one word: CAPABLE. And CONSTANT. Okay, that’s two words. Make it three: HONORABLE.

  “My husband is all this. And you can quote me on that.”

  Dee says, “I think that the main traits that I adore in my heroes are that they don’t necessarily see the flaws but the great things the female protagonist offers. He sees her as the epitome of beauty no matter what society’s variation of beauty is at that moment. It’s not that he loves her because she’s flawless, but he loves her because those ‘flaws’ make her who she is.”

  Orangehands echoes that the focus on the attraction and not the standard of beauty is affirming to her as well: “Physical attraction is usually important, but physical beauty is not. I don’t like it when the hero falls in love because of beauty. I want the heroes to love the heroines for a core part of their personalities. For instance, the reason Rupert from Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase is my favorite historical romance hero is because of how he loves Daphne’s intelligence. (And Daphne is one of my favorites because she has that intelligence.) But he never once wanted her to be stupid, but rather wanted her to be as smart as she could, as she was.”

  Ultimately, romance novels aren’t about the heroic ideal, or individuals who are so perfect, real humanity can’t measure up. Certainly some portions of the nove
ls and the characters within them are idealized, but really, the pairing of the protagonists is what matters. They are not perfect, but perfect for one another. They are made up of characteristics highlighted here that just about anyone can acquire and demonstrate—if not all, then many of them. Not being a complete douchecanoe is the first step in being your own ideal romance hero or heroine—and it’s absolutely an attainable ideal.

  And when ideal matches meet, many Good Things can happen.

  “He never once wanted her to be stupid, but rather wanted her to be as smart as she could, as she was.”—ORANGEHANDS, A READER, ON LORETTA CHASE’S MR. IMPOSSIBLE

  We Know Good Sex

  Just as the average romance heroine doesn’t sit around filing her nails and looking pretty, waiting for her hero to ride in and sweep her away to connubial bliss, so it is with sex. Sitting there does nothing. If you just lie there and wait for it, it won’t be very satisfying.

  Sex in a romance novel is a tricky subject, but let me make one thing quite clear: sex depictions in romance novels have changed drastically, and the rapetastic romances are things of the past, thank heaven and all available orgasms. In romances published today, not only is the sexuality a variable part of the plot—some books feature mere kisses, and some feature acts of kinky you might never have heard of in your life that may possibly defy laws of gravity and physics—but both parties participate in making sure the sexuality is fantastic for all involved.