The Light: Who do you become when the world falls away? (New Dawn Book 1)

by Jacqueline Brown

  “Less than a mile to go,” Jonah said.

  “Thank you, Jesus!” Charlotte shouted as her feet reached the asphalt. Her praise made me jump. It was the loudest noise I’d heard in hours, since the kids stopped squealing as they chased one another.

  My heart raced with every step. It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

  “We can stop the horses here,” Quint said.

  My whole body was shaking.

  Jonah was close enough that I could see his face. He said, “I can take Talin from you. You can go to your house. You should be the first one in.”

  I felt his hands against mine as he began to slip the reins from them. My heart raced so fast I knew he must be able to hear it.

  “You can do this,” he said, leaning his head down, his breath warming my cheek.

  “Okay,” I said, barely above a whisper. I held the reins for a moment longer, forcing our hands to remain together. I took a breath, let go, and walked forward. I could see the outline of a house, my house.

  I heard the jingle of keys as Quint reached the door and unlocked it.

  “Careful, there’s a step here,” he said, opening the door. He held out his hand to help me up.

  “I remember,” I said, at that moment recalling my mom always waiting to hold my hand to help me in and out of the house.

  When I stepped inside, my knees buckled. Quint pushed against my hand to keep me upright.

  “There’s a small bench to your right,” he said as he stepped through the door and guided me to the bench. I sat, remembering this was where I would put my shoes on.

  A moment later he was gone and Charlotte was in his place. She sat beside me. I was overwhelmed with emotion. Not having my mother in this place, where I had known her so deeply, hurt more than not having her in any other place. I missed my dad. He should be here too. The dad who had existed in this place was kind and loving. I missed that dad. I sobbed in Charlotte’s arms, wishing my parents had not abandoned me.

  When I calmed enough to speak, I asked, “Why did they leave me?”

  “They didn’t want to,” she said. The tears in her eyes glowed in the firelight.

  * * *

  I didn’t move, even after Charlotte got up to get Quinn and JP settled. The fire someone had started illuminated the small room. My eyes were drawn to it.

  I watched Nonie warm some water by the fire. Quint found her a large bowl. Sara sat by the fire. Blaise helped her unwrap strips of cloth from her feet. Sara bit her lip in pain.

  “Put your feet in here,” Nonie said.

  Sara cried out as her feet submerged.

  I moved my gaze away from Sara’s pain.

  This was the room I had spent most of my time in. Everything was exactly how I remembered it. The red throw on the tan couch … hung just the way my mother liked it. The small kitchen table at the farthest end of the room had a cup of crayons and paper near the booster seat that was mine. Memories overwhelmed me.

  * * *

  “Gabriella, it’s time to go. It’s time for your little brother to be born.” My father’s voice rang with joy and nervousness. He picked up the crayons and placed them in the cup.

  “But I-I draw picsure for brodder,” I said.

  “You can finish it when we get home, sweetie. There will be plenty of time later. Momma’s got to get to the hospital right now,” he said, leaning down to scoop me out of my chair and kiss me on the cheek.

  “Get your shoes on, baby. It’s time to go,” my mother said as she walked toward me. Her belly was large and her face oddly swollen, even for her pregnant self.

  She sat on the bench. I picked out the pair of shoes I wanted to wear. There were always several under the bench to choose from. She waited patiently as I put them on. My dad took my mom’s hand.

  “Thank you for making me the happiest man alive,” he said as he kissed her gently on the forehead.

  “You ready to go meet your baby brother?” Dad said, picking me up with one arm and carrying a suitcase with the other.

  “Yesh!” I exclaimed.

  * * *

  Tears ran down my cheeks. I leaned forward and put my hand on the floor beneath the bench. I pulled out a purple pair of jellies. I held the plastic shoes close to me.

  * * *

  The cold stung where the tears had been. I could not stay in the house. I could not do it. Not now, not ever.

  I still held the small shoes in my hands. I could hear Talin nearby, and I walked toward her.

  “Bria? What are you doing out here?” Jonah asked, worry in his voice.

  “I couldn’t stay inside. It hurts too much,” I said. I was honest with him to a point of embarrassment, and I didn’t understand why.

  “Everywhere I looked I saw the past. It was like a beautiful fairy tale that turns into a nightmare. Every beautiful memory causes me pain, unbearable pain.”

  Jonah held me as I cried. His arms around me felt so right. They didn’t take away the pain, but they eased it.

  He bent his head down. His breath warmed the back of my neck. “It’s going to get easier,” he said.

  “I don’t think so.” I sniffed.

  “I promise it is. As long as you don’t run from the memories or the pain, it will get better.”

  “I can’t go back in there. Not tonight. Maybe not ever, but definitely not tonight,” I said, shaking my head against his chest.

  He paused. “I was going to sleep in the van to be near the animals. You could stay with me if you want,” he said.

  “Okay,” I said, wiping my eyes.

  “Let me tell Mom and Dad where you are so they don’t worry,” he said, loosening his arms and moving his hands to my shoulders.

  I nodded.

  “Can I take these inside?” he asked, his hands covering my own still holding the small purple shoes.

  “Yes,” I whispered, releasing the shoes to him.

  Fourteen

  I leaned against Talin, waiting for Jonah to return. Talin and Fulton each had their wool blankets on. They were tethered to the carport. The van sat only a few feet away. The chickens remained in their cage, wrapped tightly with blankets, resting against the house.

  I stared at the small window on the back door of the only real home I’d ever known. Jonah appeared, his features backlit by the fire inside. His face was thinner; he’d lost weight in the last two weeks. We all had. The effect on Jonah was what body builders worked so hard to attain: bulging muscles, no body fat.

  I was always hungry. The few calories we ate every day were not enough. Quinn and JP always ate first and were allowed to eat their fill. The rest of us were allowed enough to survive. It was Charlotte and Quint who had lost the most weight. They ate last, if at all.

  We had to figure out how to live in this new world. We had to find more food, which meant hunting, at least until we could plant a garden in the spring. I hoped this land, my land, would be better for us. Would allow us to eat more than barely enough to survive. Perhaps then, hunger would stop waking me from my dreams.

  Jonah opened the door and walked toward me. I could see the pistol against his hip shining in the fading light of the fire.

  “Bria?” he asked, his eyes adjusting to the shadows.

  “I’m by Talin,” I answered, petting Talin one last time before going with Jonah.

  “Mom said there are blankets in the van that we should be able to find without digging through too much,” he said, walking toward me.

  “Okay,” I said, reaching out my arm to Jonah so he could know where I was.

  We walked side by side to the van. I went to the passenger side and he to the driver’s side. Inside the van, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face, let alone Jonah or blankets. I knelt on the seat and felt around behind it.

  “I think I found one,” I said, pulling a blanket out of the pile and handing it to Jonah.

  “Thanks,” he said, taking it from me.

  “Here’s another one.” I handed it to him. “
There are a couple more I can get to,” I said.

  I pulled out two more blankets for myself. I wrapped the blankets around me as tightly as possible.

  Once I was settled and Jonah was no longer shifting in his seat, I asked, “How’s Sara?”

  “Not so good. Her feet are totally raw. I don’t think she’ll be able to walk without pain for a while,” he said.

  I heard him turn his head toward me.

  “Tomorrow she can ride in the van, right?” I asked, facing Jonah.

  “Yes, or on one of the horses. I’m not sure where the old house is on the property. I’ve never been there. But my guess is the van won’t be able to be pulled right up to it,” he said.

  “How many times have you been here? To this house, I mean.”

  “I don’t know … too many to count. My mom comes at least once a month to check on everything and clean. When I was a kid I would come with her. She cried every time for a year. Over time, she cried less and less. She always came here on your birthday or your mom’s birthday, and other days that meant something—like the day of your baptism. Every few months she had me load up firewood in Dad’s pickup and we’d bring it up and take back the old wood, so it wouldn’t just sit here and rot. She always wanted everything perfect in case you ever came back. She always hoped you would,” he said.

  “I’m sorry we disappeared,” I said into the darkness.

  “It wasn’t your fault. But it was really hard on all of us.”

  “On you too?” I asked, sensing the pain in his voice.

  “Yeah, I cried a lot. I’m sure you don’t remember, but it was a lot for all of us. My parents cried all the time. I cried all the time. Then East was born, that added to the chaos of the house, but it was good. She didn’t let Mom fall apart. Mom had to take care of her and she did,” he said with emotion in his voice.

  “Our moms were pregnant at the same time?” I asked, not thinking about how old East was.

  “Yes, Mom had East a little early, probably from the stress of losing your mom and you. She was born two months after your mom died,” he said.

  “That’s why she’s named for my mom,” I said, more to myself than to Jonah.

  “Yes,” he said.

  I could hear him nodding his head against the back of the seat.

  * * *

  We sat in silence. My body was exhausted, my mind racing. I wanted to sleep but couldn’t. A small quarter moon rose in the sky. It was lower than the carport and shone directly into the van. The windows were fogged from our breath. The van was freezing, but warmer than the night. I felt bad for the animals. Talin and Fulton lay next to one another on the hard ground of the carport, their blankets wrapped securely around them.

  I turned my head. Jonah was watching me. I’d gotten used to him looking at me. His gaze didn’t bother me, though it did make me wonder why he looked at me. Jonah smiled and turned his head to look at the horses. I watched him as he gazed at them. I wished things were different. That there was some way we could be together, but I knew both of our choices made that impossible.

  “What did they say when you told them I didn’t want to go back inside?” I asked, wanting to hear his voice.

  He turned his head toward me. “Mom and Blaise both asked if they should come talk to you. Dad stopped them and said to just give you time to get used to things. That was basically all that was said.”

  “Basically?” I asked.

  He looked back at the horses. “Oh … well … there were no words, but East, Pops, and Josh all had stupid smiles on their faces, Eli looked worried, Sara looked a little irritated—or it could have been that she was in pain,” he answered.

  “What did you do?” I asked, feeling heat rise to my cheeks.

  “I took Dad’s pistol that he was handing me and walked out the door.” He sounded irritated.

  I said nothing. The irritation in his voice spoke volumes. Sometimes I thought he liked me; other times I knew he did not. This was one of those clear times when I knew he did not and I felt stupid for misinterpreting his friendship for anything more.

  We sat in silence for so long I thought he’d fallen asleep.

  “Bria?” he said softly.

  “Yes?” I answered, turning my head toward him.

  “I’m going to be a priest,” he said, almost as if he were apologizing for something.

  “I know,” I said.

  “You do?” he asked, surprised.

  “East told me, the morning after Talin and Fulton were poisoned.”

  “Ohhh,” he said, as if that explained something he hadn’t understood before.

  “It’s good. I mean I don’t get it, but it seems like if you believe in God, then it would be a good idea to work for him, right?” I said, wondering why Jonah had brought all of this up now.

  “Yeah, it seems like a good idea to me too,” he said, sounding relieved and confused at the same time.

  “Are your parents happy about it?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “No?” I asked, shocked by his answer.

  “They don’t think it’s my calling,” he said.

  “What do you mean? It’s your choice, right?”

  “Yes, and they respect my choice, but they don’t believe it’s what God is calling me to.”

  Every part of his answer confused me. “What do you mean? Does God talk to you?” I asked. My eyebrows pulled together while I tried to understand what he was saying and trying not to think he was crazy for hearing an imaginary God talking to him.

  “Not so much in words. More in my heart,” he said, looking out at the moon.

  “Oh,” I said, relieved that he wasn’t hallucinating on top of being delusional.

  “So if it wasn’t with words that God told you to be a priest, I guess that’s what you mean by being called. Then, couldn’t you have misinterpreted something?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. It felt really clear for a long time, but now … now I guess I don’t know.” He turned his head toward me but didn’t look at me.

  “The world has totally changed,” I said, thinking it must be difficult for Jonah—who believed so strongly in a God that controls things—to interpret all that had happened. It was easy for me. There was no hidden meaning or agenda. The world was as the world was, no interpretation necessary.

  Jonah looked at me. “You’re right. The world has totally changed.”

  Fifteen

  I awoke to the sound of tapping. I opened my eyes to see JP’s bright face staring at me through the foggy glass.

  I did what I could to smile back at him. My body ached. I wanted to keep sleeping. I turned to wake Jonah. The driver’s side was empty. I looked out the windshield. The family was gathering. The sun was above the horizon.

  I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair. JP opened the door. The cold air made my senses jump to life. I shed my blankets, leaving them on the passenger seat, and got out of the van, shivering as I did so.

  “You slept a long time,” JP said, practically bouncing with the energy a new day brought him.

  “I was really tired,” I said, looking down at him and yawning.

  JP led the way toward the rest of the family. “Why do you keep sleeping with my brother?” JP asked as we reached everyone. He was too young to know how that question sounded to my ears and everyone else’s. Heat flushed through my body, as muffled laughter filled the small carport.

  “I-I …”

  “Because I’m the coolest,” Jonah said as he walked up behind JP and gave him a playful slap to the back of his head. “Let’s get going. Unless you want to go inside for any reason,” Jonah said, looking at me.

  I shook my head.

  “Okay then, let’s get Talin and Fulton hooked up,” he said, walking toward the horses.

  Quint helped him connect Talin as I leaned against her, petting her, wishing her good morning.

  Eli and Josh lifted the chickens and placed them back on top of the van. They tied them down and thr
ew a rope around Wrath’s body covered by the frozen, blood-soaked blanket. Nonie and Quinn pushed Pops’s wheelchair across the gravel drive. Charlotte supported Sara, who was limping badly, her feet bandaged inside of her shoes. I ran to her other side.

  “Thanks,” she said, wincing as she put an arm around me.

  Charlotte and I were able to carry her to the van. She hobbled inside and sat on the floor between the two seats.

  Once the horses were connected, Jonah walked over to Pops and helped him slide behind the steering wheel. The wheelchair he was using now was the kind that could easily fold up. He told me he didn’t like it because it wasn’t as solid as his motorized one, but that one was now useless. Eli helped Nonie into the passenger side. Quinn and JP would walk today.

  We all picked up our packs and those that had weapons got them. I held Talin’s reins and East held Fulton’s. Quint, Eli, Jonah, and Josh got behind the van.

  “1, 2, 3, push,” Quint called.

  East and I pulled the horses forward as the men pushed the van from its resting place. A moment later we were pulling out of the small circular drive, headed toward what would hopefully be our new home. A home I hoped held no memories for me. I looked back at my old house and quickly looked away. I was not ready to face those memories. I exhaled. Perhaps I never would be.

  Jonah took the reins from East. Quint took the lead once more, this time with Charlotte at his side. They were much more relaxed today—though Quint still carried his pistol and Charlotte carried the rifle. JP and Quinn ran alongside. Quinn often stopped and waited for us to catch up before running ahead with her brother.

  “Do you think we’re safe here? From Mick, I mean?” I asked Jonah, quietly so no one else would hear.

  He shook his head. “No. Once he figures out we killed Wrath, he’ll come for us,” Jonah answered, his jaw clenched as he spoke.

  “So what do we do?” I asked, something close to terror rising inside me.

  “We stay alert and we stay together. When he comes he might be alone or he may have some of his friends with him. We have to be ready,” he said.