Searching for Tomorrow (Tomorrows)

by Kathryn McNeill Crane

  Through my laughter, I see the concern on their faces, and I try to control myself so that I can explain just what happened. “I drove ... over this morning ... and I found out … a whole bunch of stuff.” I stop, take in a deep breath, and hold it. When I feel like I have my laughter under control, I continue. “So, I was standing on her porch trying to work up the nerve to knock on the door, and I swear I heard Tripp encouraging me.”

  There are friends who are more like acquaintances, and then there are true friends like these two. They both reach over and put a hand on my shoulder, and Wendy murmurs, “Oh, honey.” The thing about these girls is that they love me for me, even when they think I am crazy. They know all about how I still see his rugged face, feel his special warmth, smell his unique scent, and hear his comforting voice. The best part is that they don’t treat me as if I have lost my mind. They know that he is still as real to me today as he was the last time he placed his lips to mine, the last time I heard his voice, and saw his handsome face on Skype. They know I still talk to him, that I haven’t let go of him yet. As true friends do, they still love me.

  “No, it’s okay. You know I love to hear his voice. Anyway, while I’m standing there listening with my eyes closed, of course, she flings open the door and starts right in on me. But really, none of that is important.”

  What in this world are they going to think? “I made the mistake of asking her why she hated me, and well, she told me a lot of stuff.”

  Oh my, if looks could kill, people would be falling down all around us. Thankfully, Wendy and Jenn don’t direct their angry glares at me. I know exactly whom the looks are intended for. Jenn squints her eyes and hisses, “That’s it. I am going over there and giving her a piece of my mind. You just wait until I’m through with her.”

  I can’t help it. I let out a loud bark of laughter, wrap my arms around my girls, and give them a big squeeze. “No, let me just tell you the best news ever. SHE ISN’T TRIPP’S MOM!”

  I sit back in the seat and watch the emotions play over their faces. Anger, confusion, surprise, and finally joy. They understand exactly what this means for my family, my girls, and me. I hope that we are free from the tormenter previously known as Mother Tidwell.

  Jenn and Wendy sit straight up in their chairs and begin to fire questions at me nonstop. We nibble through our biscuits, and when our coffees are gone, we order more and sit right back down. I fill them in on all the details, and while Ms. Tidwell getting the trust fund ticks them both off, they know me well enough to realize I couldn’t care less about the money.

  I look at the time on my cell phone and see that it’s almost two o’clock already. We make plans for them to bring their kids over for a play date. While we didn’t go shopping, hanging out with my friends was exactly what I needed. When we stand to leave, I break out in a little happy dance before giving and getting hugs.

  I walk out the door feeling so much better than I did when I started my day. It’s amazing the wonderful feelings you get when you spend time with people who love and understand you and would never judge you. With a new spring in my step, I decide to walk down to corner where Mountain Fresh is located. I need to figure out what to cook for supper tonight. It feels like it’s been forever since I twirled around the kitchen, whipping up simple meals with my girls. Homemade pizza comes to mind, so after doing a quick mental check of the items in my pantry, I grab a pen and some paper from my purse to jot down the few things that I know we will need for our culinary delight.

  As I near the door to the grocery store, I hear someone call my name. I look to where I think I heard the voice, and I am both surprised and thrilled to see Lara Feldstein walking towards me. I haven’t seen her since right after we graduated. She and Liam had dated our senior year in high school, and their first year of college. Since Tripp and I were settling in to start our new life together at Fort Benning, I wasn’t able to be with Liam as much as we both would have liked, so I was glad he had Lara. The two were as inseparable as Tripp and I had been. Right before summer break after their freshman year, she and her mom had abruptly moved, leaving my brother brokenhearted. She was the one he always felt he let get away.

  “Well look at you, Wrynn. You haven’t changed a bit since I saw you last.” Lara leans in and gives me a warm hug.

  I pull back and look her over from head to toe, give a little whistle, and say, “It seems like some of us get prettier with age. Now, I’m not so sure that I can be seen with you. Lara, you’re a knockout.” With her waist length black hair, tall, slender frame, and arctic blue eyes set in a heart shaped face, Lara truly has aged well. “It’s hard not to be just a little jealous, honey. I know for a fact that you’re older than I am.”

  Lara shakes her head at my reminder of the way Liam used to tease her about his dating an older woman. Her birthday is March 15, and that makes her just a little over a month older than Liam and me. “I was just running in to grab a few things to snack on later. Is there still a coffee shop in here?” Lara leans her head towards the door, and we both head inside.

  “Oh, Lara, there is so much more than just a coffee shop. You will hardly recognize this as the place where we used to come after football games for milkshakes and sodas.” I look at her, and can’t help but wonder what she is doing here. “Do you mind if I ask how long you’re going to be in Highlands?”

  A slight blush tints Lara’s cheeks, and she looks down at the floor. A second or two pass before she looks back up, and the raw pain in her eyes sends me back a step. In a whispered voice, she asks, “Does he hate me? Will he even give me a chance to explain?” Tears seep from the corners of her eyes, but she holds her ground.

  I put my arm around her shoulder, and guide her to a table in the corner of the café. We sit down, and I take her hand in mine. “Lara, honey, I don’t think Liam could ever hate you. I won’t lie to you though, when you ran off without a word, you hurt him bad.” I rub her back, trying to offer comfort. She looks down at the table, and I can feel and understand her anguish. Liam is important to me, so I need to know that she understands what I am saying. “If all you want to do is apologize to him and then turn around and leave … well, I’m going to have to ask you to just leave. We all loved you, but Liam.… Honey, your leaving almost killed him. He’s still not over you, even after almost ten years have gone by. So, if you’re not staying, please don’t try to contact him. Please, don’t tear him apart again.”

  “I’m staying.” She speaks the words in such a low volume that I ask her to repeat it so that I can make sure I heard her correctly. In a stronger voice, she says, “I’m staying. Whether he forgives me or not, I am through running. I loved the time I spent here, and nothing or no one can force me to leave again.”

  “I have to pick up a few things for supper and then run get the girls from school. Why don’t you come over and have supper with us tonight? Us meaning Liam, my three girls, and me. It won’t be anything fancy, just homemade pizza and salad. Do you remember where Nana and Papa lived?” She nods her head yes, and I can’t help but notice that some of the pain in her eyes has diminished. “Well, the girls and I live in the house, and Liam lives in the basement. You just come around 5:30 and we’ll let you help us make the pizza.” I stand up from the table, and as I wait for her answer, I wrap her in my arms for one more hug.

  She squeezes me tight, and when she releases me, she has her beautiful smile right back where it belongs. She stands to leave, and as she walks away, she looks over her shoulder at me and says, “We’ll try to be there.”

  “We’ll try to be there.” Those words play through my head continuously as I rush to gather my groceries. I guess she and her mom are here. Oh, I hope she’s not married. I really don’t want to be late picking the girls up again. While standing in line at the checkout, I go over what’s in my buggy, trying to make sure that I grabbed everything I will need. Surely, she wouldn’t ask me about Liam if she were married. When the cashier tells me my total, I automatically swipe my debit car
d and punch in my PIN, and then realize how terribly rude I have been. I smile at the cashier. “Julie! It’s so good to see you. I’m sorry for my rudeness. I guess I was just lost in my thoughts. You know how I get sometimes.” She smiles and nods her head, and then thanks me for coming in. I grab my bags, wish her a good evening, and rush towards the door to go get my girls.

  This is my favorite time of the day. If I’m not working, I love to pick my girls up from school. I head straight to my car to throw the groceries in the cooler, and then turn right back around and walk to the school. As luck would have it, I get there right as the first dismissal bell rings. The quiet schoolyard transforms into a madhouse right before my eyes. The high school and middle school classes dismiss first, and teenagers and pre-teens of all sizes rush through the prison doors to their freedom. Cliques of girls gather in their exclusive clusters to gossip about who wore what, and who talked to whom. Hair flipping and high-pitched giggling begins as the jocks lumber out, and the girls break rank to get the boys’ attention. After a few minutes, the buses are loaded, the cars have left, and the school grounds are once again empty.

  When the elementary bell rings, excitement fills me as I anxiously wait to see my three heartbeats. Tired and harried teachers lead the kids to the sidewalk and help them form lines according to grade. The children giggle and squirm, eager to leave school behind for another day. I catch a glimpse of my Annie talking to a teacher and pointing over towards a group of smaller children. Ah, there’s my Bekah, and it looks as if she is crying. I watch as Annie walks over to her and pulls Bekah into her arms. It is such a sweet picture, seeing one of my girls comforting her sister, and my heart nearly bursts with love.

  As I walk over to claim my girls, I see my mother standing with Maggie on her hip, and the strangest look on her face. When I look to see what has her so entranced, I don’t notice anything out of the ordinary. I hear a high-pitched squeal and realize that someone has seen me. With barely a second to spare, I brace myself against the onslaught of little munchkins. Little arms come at me from all sides, and before I can blink, those arms wrap around my waist, thighs, and knees. Because I know my girls so well, I give them exactly what they want. I teeter to the left, totter to the right, sway to the front, and then closing my eyes, fall back into the grass, completely at their mercy. Little hands tickle and rub; little mouths press kisses, and one large heart beats stronger. This is my little slice of heaven on earth.

  I want to just stay here and soak in the giggles and whispers of my girls, but it’s not meant to be. When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is my mom standing over me, looking a little pale as her eyes once again scan the parking area.

  “Mom?” She doesn’t respond, and keeps staring out at the parking lot. “MOM!” This time I yell, and that seems to work a little better. “Was your class rowdy today? You seem to be a hundred miles away.”

  She looks down at me and shakes her head from side to side. “Sorry, honey. I thought I saw someone that we used to know, but really, it can’t be her.” She shakes her head again as if she were trying to clear out her thoughts. “Liam told me you were going to see Mrs. Tidwell this morning. Did everything go okay?”

  My sweet little mama would love nothing more than to go toe to toe with Mrs. Tidwell, but she has patiently put up with that woman because she loves me. When she hears what happened today, it may take my dad, Liam, AND me to hold her back from confronting that vile woman.

  “When in this world did you see Liam today?” I hold my hands up, and my girls race to see who can pull me to my feet.

  “Unka Liam come see me too, Nannyma.” Maggie says excitedly. Her chubby little thighs swing back and forth, and her tiny feet kick at Nannyma’s leg. Mom earned that name when Annie was just learning how to talk and couldn’t quite pronounce ‘grandma’. When Bekah and Maggie came along, they followed Annie’s example and now Mom’s stuck with it, not that she minds.

  “Here, Mom, let me take that lump of sugar. She is way too heavy for you to be carrying.” I reach my arms out and Maggie all but leaps into them. She wraps her small arms around me and buries her face in the crook of my neck. I can’t resist rubbing my cheek against her head. Her baby curls are so fine and soft that it feels like satin.

  “Momma, Momma. Uncle Liam was here today in his fireman costume. He talked to all of us, and even gave us fire hats.” Bekah turns and points over to her book bag, and, sure enough, there is a small plastic red fire hat. “And Robby broke my favorite pencil. He made me cry, but Annie gave me hers. It’s in my bag. Wanna see?” She starts to run over to get it, but Annie grabs her hand.

  “Bekah, no. You’re not supposed to go anywhere after school without an adult. Right, Mom?” My Annie looks up at me for confirmation, and I give her a wink and a nod.

  “She’s right, Bekah. You know the rules. Why don’t we all walk over together, grab your stuff, and then head on back to the car? I’ve got groceries in the cooler, and I’m going to need your help fixing supper tonight.”

  That statement earns me a few excited giggles. The girls love to help in the kitchen. Even though it makes every meal a little harder and more time consuming, all the effort is worth it because my girls and I get to spend that precious time together.

  After grabbing all the book bags and lunch sacks, the girls and I give Mom hugs and kisses and then start our walk back towards the car. We’ve taken only a few steps when it hits me. I forgot to tell Mom about my running into Lara at Mountain Fresh. With a renewed excitement over her return to town, I stop and spin, forgetting that I’m holding hands with the girls. I yell over to catch Mom’s attention, and then bend down to soothe the now-grumbling girls.

  Mom walks over to us and before she has a chance to question me, I blurt out, “Lara’s back in town. I ran into her at the store and we talked for a bit. She’s going to try and make it over to the house for supper tonight.”

  “Hmm, that’s strange. I thought I saw her here in the parking lot.” Mom leans her head to the side, closes her eyes, and rubs at the spot between her eyes. Having grown up with the woman, I know that this is what she does when she’s trying to figure something out. She opens her eyes and looks at me. “I thought I was just seeing things, but it’s good to know she’s back. You let me know how supper goes.” As if in a daze, Mom just turns around and walks off.

  Mom is acting weird, but before I can take time to think about it, I feel a tug on my leg and look down to Maggie. When she notices that she has my attention, she raises her arms in the air to let me know she wants me to carry her. As I bend to pick her up, she pats my cheek and says, “Nannyma otay, Mommy?” Now I know that something was off with Mom’s behavior if even Maggie noticed. I only have time for one thought to pass before the girls start tugging me towards the car. Hmmm, that was strange.

  As the girls and I walk through the front door, I give my house a quick little once over. My morning cleaning was interrupted when Liam came to tell me his news, and I never did come back to finish the job. I know the chances of Lara showing up are slim, but just in case, I tell the girls to grab their toys and put them away. My house is never really dirty, but boy is it cluttered. After all, people live here, and we deserve a cozy, comfortable home, and not a stuffy museum. If given the choice between straightening up the house and playing Candy land, games will win every time. I understand just how short life can be, and I don’t want to miss one single minute with my babies.

  After taking care of the little things lying around, I tell the girls to go wash their hands while I get the stuff together to make our crust. As I am in the pantry getting the dry ingredients out, the lyrical sounds of laughter drift down the hall. I can’t help but smile when I think about how blessed I am by having my three little monkeys. With that thought in mind, I quietly creep down the hall, wondering what the mischief-makers are up to now.

  As I peek around the bathroom door, it takes every fiber within me to not burst out laughing. Maggie is sitting on the stool, and Bekah i
s “fixing” her hair. After a quick count, I estimate there are no less than a dozen little pigtails randomly placed all over her head. Annie, being the older, more responsible child, is applying bright pink blush to accentuate the gaudy blue eye shadow on Maggie’s face. The girls whisper back and forth, and for the life of me, I can’t understand one word they say.

  Annie declares, “All done,” and Bekah follows with, “Finished,” and then they help Maggie up from the stool and present her before the mirror.

  “Oh, Maggie, you’re so beautiful. Bekah did a great job on your hair.” Annie’s face is lit up with a smile that’s a mile wide.

  “We need to hurry and get the princess into her dress. The prince should be here any minute and we can’t find her glass slippers.” Bekah stands behind Maggie, attempting to smooth some of the wayward strands of hair down.

  Maggie senses the excitement of her two big sisters, and jumping up and down, she claps her hands and screams, “Huwy, de pwince is toming.”

  The phone rings, and I find myself once again tiptoeing softly down the hall. Not quite quick enough, I reach the kitchen just as the answering machine makes an obnoxious beep, signaling the end of the call. Right as I press the button to play back the message, I hear a familiar, “Knock, knock,” and Liam walks in the front door.

  “Hi, Wrynn. This is Lara. It was so good to see you again today. I hope we can get together again real soon. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Anyway, we’re not going to be able to make it to supper tonight. I’m really sorry, but some things have come up. Talk to you soon…. BEEP, MESSAGE HAS ENDED.”

  I turn to greet my brother, and he stands frozen just outside the kitchen door. His hands shake, and as I look at him, the color drains from his face. His mouth opens, and then closes, as if he can’t find the words to say, and he slumps against the wall.