Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus

by Kathleen A. Bogle

  “use” women for sexual purposes without any interest beyond that.6

  Lisa, a sophomore at State University, had this to say about fraternity men:

  I don’t like the frat guys, at least a lot of them and I just think they’re all cocky and they think the world of themselves and they’re not really that cool [laughs]. To me, they’re all little spiked hair look-alike guys

  . . . there’s still, I think there’s still a lot of sexism that goes on and . . .

  there’s still things that need to be better. . . . I’ve seen girls kiss each other just because they want to get attention, not because they’re lesbians or whatever. And the frat guys encourage them to do stuff like that. So, stuff like that, I just think is so stupid and I mean, it’s partly the girls’ fault for wanting that kind of attention and doing whatever 82

  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A they can to get boys’ attention. But, it’s also the guys’ fault for encouraging it and, you know, trying to get girls to do stuff like that.

  In addition to Lisa, several other women believed fraternity men em-bodied the persona of the sex-driven college male. Moreover, these women believed that fraternity men mistreated women in order to maximize their sexual conquests.7

  Overall, students’ perceptions on the motives of their peers were correct. In general, men are more likely to pursue women for sex and women are more likely to pursue men for relationships.8 Both men and women did acknowledge that some women engage in hooking up for sex, while some men want girlfriends. Thus, there are differences within gender (as well as across gender) in how students interact. However, I found that the disparity between the motivations of men and women was a significant theme that profoundly affects the interaction between the sexes on campus.

  DISTORTED PERCEPTIONS

  Despite students’ interest in the sexual activities of their classmates, their perception of what is going on behind closed doors is often inac-curate.9 Although the initial stages of the hookup script occur out in the open at campus parties or bars, much of the sexual activity between hookup partners happens in private. Therefore, figuring out what others are doing sexually is often left to guesswork. One misperception that students have is that virginity is rare.10 Students believed the hookup scene was pervasive on campus, so they felt it was unlikely that many of their fellow classmates could maintain their virginity. Interestingly, even those students who were virgins believed the overwhelming majority of students on campus were not virgins.

  When asked whether there might be a lot of virgins on campus, Adrienne, a senior from Faith University, said, “No. I don’t think so . . . like freshman year in college I was like, I just felt like I was like the only virgin.”

  Students also suggested that even if someone was still a virgin when they came to college, they would not remain that way for long.11

  Several students indicated that they did not know even one person they believed to be a virgin.

  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A 83

  KB: Do you think virginity is common [on campus]?

  Marie: Not anymore. Not in college, maybe freshman college girls, there were plenty of girls I knew that were virgins as freshmen that definitely were not [virgins anymore] by the end of their freshman year.

  KB: Do you know anyone that is [a virgin] now . . . male or female?

  Marie: Nope. [Senior, State University]

  Jack, a sophomore at State University, relayed the following: KB: What about virginity, do you think that’s something that’s common on campus?

  Jack: Gone by next year.

  KB: [Laughs]. So, freshmen might come in that way, but they don’t stay that way?

  Jack: Not very long.

  KB: So, do you know anyone that still is [a virgin] now that you’re a sophomore?

  Jack: [Pauses]. Hmm, no. Yeah, I actually do know one [girl that is a virgin].

  Although college students did not think there were many virgins on campus, some of them did view virginity positively.12 A couple students, who were sexually active, even suggested that they wished they were still virgins (or at least they wished they had “lost” their virginity to someone else or under different circumstances). I asked Emily, a sophomore at Faith University, how virginity was viewed.

  Emily: I think it’s positive, like to be a virgin is a positive thing, like I think virginity is something that is important and sacred and shouldn’t just be given away.

  KB: If you feel comfortable answering, have you had sex before?

  Emily: Yes.

  KB: In high school?

  Emily: No, in college. . . . This is bad, but it was a really bad decision and I was drunk and [there are] a lot of issues I have around it . . . it’s not so much that I care that I’m not a virgin, it’s just that I care that I have to say that it was with him, so [there are]

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  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A a lot of issues, but it was a bad decision. [Emphasis by interviewee]

  Other students seemed neutral on the subject; that is, they did not express a strong opinion one way or another about virginity. These students described the decision to have sexual intercourse as an individual or personal decision.

  KB: Is virginity ever something that is talked about on campus?

  Do you know anyone who is a virgin or is that something they keep private?

  Violet: In my group of friends, they talk about everything. My one best friend from high school is not having sex until she is married. And she had no problem telling anybody that, it is not a big thing for her.

  KB: Is that something that people view positively or negatively?

  Violet: I don’t view it any way. I have friends who have sex and who don’t. It’s all a personal preference. [Junior, State University]

  Although some students, like Violet, implied that there are no negative consequences for being a virgin or for being sexually active, the majority of people I interviewed indicated otherwise. For women, a host of concerns accompany the decision to become sexually active. Men, on the other hand, reported a risk of being stigmatized if they decided to remain a virgin.13 Several male students mentioned that a man who was known to be a virgin would be mercilessly teased by his male friends.

  Kevin, a senior at Faith University, recounted an interesting story in this regard.

  KB: [Is] there anyone that [is] known as a virgin, either male or female?

  Kevin: Oh yeah, but none at my school. (Laughs) This is a great story for you actually. My friend Don went away to school

  [in a different state] and he was a fraternity brother and I used to go visit him . . . and his buddy Mike [is] a good looking guy . . . he’s a music major . . . he does not seem gay, [he is] very [muscular]. . . . And one Thanksgiving, [Don and Mike came up for a visit to a local bar and] Don looks at Mike and says: “Hey, your wallet’s open, show him your V-card.” T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A 85

  And I was like: “What’s your V-card?” And [Mike says]:

  “Here you go” [and hands the card to me]. So, [Mike’s friends] had the card made for him, it was a V-card, a virgin card, and whatever girl he first has sex with, he’s got to give her the V-card and she has to keep it. And I’m like: “Oh, my God, you told these guys [that you’re a virgin]?” . . . He’s very confident, he doesn’t care, he laughs about it. So, I look at him and I’m like: “So, you’re not a deal closer, huh?” And he’s like: “Nope.” And that’s his problem . . . a lot of girls like him, they flirt with him, but he can’t close the deal.

  Despite perceptions, virginity is not a rarity. A national study on college women, conducted in 2001, found a 39 percent virginity rate. This study also found that the virginity rate was still 31 percent among college women in their senior year.14 Other national data on both college men and women indicates that the virginity rate is approximately 25 percent.15 Regardless of the precise number, there are more virgins on campus than most students believe.

&nbs
p; The way students I spoke with viewed virginity (and the loss of it) was consistent with sociologist Laura Carpenter’s findings on the meanings men and women assign to virginity loss. Specifically, in her book Virginity Lost, Carpenter found that most young people think of the loss of one’s virginity as giving “a gift,” something to be cherished or treasured and “given away” with great care; as “a stigma,” as something to be lost quickly and even as secretly as possible; or as a “rite of passage,” or something that one must relinquish in the process of becoming an adult.16

  A second misperception is that “everybody’s doing it.” Students tend to overestimate the number of hookup encounters that involve sexual intercourse. In a representative study of college undergraduates at a large northeastern university, 78 percent of the students had hooked up at least once. However, among the students that had engaged in a hookup, only 38 percent ever had a hookup that culminated in sexual intercourse, while 61 percent had engaged in hooking up without such an encounter ever culminating in sexual intercourse.17

  The ambiguous nature of the term “hooking up” often seemed to generate confusion over precisely what other students are doing sexually. Most students agreed that hooking up could be anything from kissing to having sexual intercourse, but, when pressed, some students 86

  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A seemed to favor the idea that when most students hook up it likely involves sexual intercourse. Larry and Kevin both illustrated the confusion the term “hooking up” generates.

  KB: You mentioned hooking up earlier, how would you define hooking up?

  Larry: Hooking up, umm [pauses] probably spending the night at someone’s place, whether there’s sex or not doesn’t really matter. Probably spending the night at someone’s place, like obviously kissing, something physical, things going on, it doesn’t so much have to be sex.

  KB: Could it be [sex]?

  Larry: Could it be, sure, absolutely.

  KB: Have you ever hooked up where it was sex?

  Larry: Yeah, sure.

  KB: Is one more likely than the other? Is it likely to not be sex? Is it likely to be kissing and sleeping in the same bed? What is most likely to happen?

  Larry: Probably it would be sex, I would think. It’s kind of a random short-term thing, umm if the person is getting to know you, you may be just hooking up with them, like kissing and like just some physical contact and then it evolves into sex later on [in a subsequent hookup].

  KB: So, you hook up with the same person repeatedly and eventually it [leads to sexual intercourse]?

  Larry: Sure. [Emphasis added] [Senior, Faith University]

  KB: [Do you] have a sense of whether most people are having sex or most people are hooking up [without actually having intercourse].

  Kevin: Mostly sex.

  KB: Mostly sex?

  Kevin: Yeah.

  KB: Okay. Even on the first encounter?

  Kevin: Yeah. [Senior, Faith University]

  Later in the interview, Kevin described a number of hookup situations that did not seem to include intercourse. Therefore, I asked him to clarify whether a hookup generally culminated in sexual intercourse.

  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A 87

  KB: You’ve been using the term “hooking up” a lot but you had said earlier that you thought sex was more common than [just]

  hooking up [without actually having sexual intercourse].

  Kevin: Did I? Are you sure?

  KB: Yeah.

  Kevin: Usually people are having sex. I will still stick with that.

  The ambiguous nature of the term is undoubtedly part of its appeal. Individuals are able to share with others that they did something sexual without necessarily specifying what happened. The problem is that this ambiguity leads to confusion over what other students are doing sexually. Some students seemed to favor the idea that hooking up must mean sexual intercourse in the majority of cases. However, very few students indicated that when they hooked up they always had sexual intercourse. It was always other students who, they believed, actually had intercourse every time they hooked up. Gloria, a freshman at State University, illustrates the idea that it is other students who “go farther” sexually during a hookup encounter.

  Gloria: You kiss them [a guy at a party] and then they’ll be like:

  “Come back with me to my place, sleep at my place.” And you’ll either say yes or no.

  KB: Do you ever have guys come back to your room?

  Gloria: No. Maybe once. I’m really good with that, I don’t know, just my morals. I had one guy come over but it wasn’t even for me, he had a girlfriend, he just stayed over. But I have friends and they have guys sleep over all the time. Sometimes they’ll wake up and say: “What did I do?” and sometimes it’s nothing . . . most girls, granted they’ll have sex with them and the next day they’ll regret it.

  KB: By sex [do] you mean literal sexual intercourse?

  Gloria: Yeah.

  KB: So you’ve talked about what you’ve done . . . kissing mostly, and you’ve talked about these other people who have had sex, what about . . . there is a lot of in between.

  Gloria: Yeah, I guess there is a lot of fooling around, oral sex, but mostly these people will be with people in their rooms and they are drunk. They won’t just fool around and then stop; they’ll have sex . . . not that many people . . . just fool around.

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  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A KB: Usually they go all the way?

  Gloria: Yeah. [Emphasis by interviewee]

  It is possible that the students I interviewed were correct. That is, perhaps the volunteers for my study were less sexually active than the general student body. However, I think this is unlikely. Even students who were very sexually active with many different partners believed that other students were leading more promiscuous lives.

  A third misperception is with regard to the number of hookup partners. The college women I interviewed, in particular, tended to believe that other students had a greater number of hookup partners than they did. This led many of the women I interviewed to think that they were less sexually active than other students on campus. For example, I asked students how many different people a typical student would hook up with in a semester if he or she was not in an exclusive relationship. Many women believed that their total number of hookup partners was less than their classmates.18

  KB: If someone was single how many different people would they hook up with in a semester?

  Lynn: Umm, [pauses], seven.

  KB: Is that about what you think you would do?

  Lynn: Umm, [pauses], when I was in high school I hooked up with a lot of people and then I kind of grew out of that stage because you kind of get tired of it, you know nothing is going to happen with it so it’s kind of like what’s the point. So . . .

  I still do [hook up], but just not frequently.

  KB: So . . . were you single last fall?

  Lynn: Yeah.

  KB: Do you remember how many people [you hooked up with]?

  Lynn: Umm, two. [Sophomore, Faith University]

  KB: In a typical semester, if someone did not have a boyfriend, how many different people might you or one of your friends hook up with?

  Violet: It all depends on how active they are going out to different parties. I have had friends hook up with five people in one night at a party.

  KB: When you say hook up are you talking about just kissing?

  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A 89

  Violet: Yes.

  KB: So they just kiss people at the parties?

  Violet: Hmm-mm.

  KB: So in a semester it could be a very high number if that were the case.

  Violet: Yeah.

  KB: [When you hook up] is it just kissing or would you say that it’s a lot of times more than kissing?

  Violet: Not for me. A friend of mine, I have a friend that will go out to parties and she will sleep with whoever she meet
s. And she actually had to leave school because she had slept with half of the campus. [Junior, State University]

  Quantitative studies on college student populations have confirmed that students tend to overestimate their peers’ level of sexual activity and number of partners. This finding is consistent with data on college students’ misperceptions of their peers’ alcohol consumption. Specifically, students believe other students drink more often and in greater quantities than they actually do. Alcohol researchers have found that students’ misperception of their classmates’ alcohol use negatively affects their own behavior. For example, many students try to “catch up” with their (false) perception of what “everyone” is doing drinking-wise.19 Thus, in the alcohol-driven hookup culture on campus, misperceptions may play a significant role in affecting behavior.

  HOW PERCEPTIONS AFFECT BEHAVIOR

  Students’ perceptions of their classmates, whether accurate or not, are important because it affects their own behavior. The men and women I interviewed believed that hooking up and having sexual intercourse under a variety of circumstances was commonplace on their campus.

  Furthermore, they consistently seemed to believe that other students were hooking up more frequently or, at least, other students went farther sexually during “random” hookup encounters. College students, then, judged their own behavior relative to these perceptions. If students believe other students are more sexually active than they are, it creates a kind of relativism whereby students define themselves as

  “good” because they are not as “bad” as everyone else (i.e., “if others 90

  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A are doing __________, then what I am doing is okay”). This point of view was consistent regardless of the sexual behavior of the student I was interviewing. In other words, whether the student had very little sexual experience or had sexual encounters with many different people, she or he believed that “other guys” or “other girls” had lower standards in adapting to the hookup script.