Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus

by Kathleen A. Bogle

  In some cases, students’ perceptions of the norms for their peers seemed to make them feel pressure to conform.20 For example, a couple of students referred to “getting rid of” their virginity or getting their first sexual encounter “over with” so that they did not have the status of being a virgin anymore. For these students, virginity was a source of embarrassment. Since they thought being a virgin was unusual, they did not want to be “known as one.”21 It seems that some students adapt their sexual behavior to fit in on campus (i.e., “if others are doing __________, then I should too”). Students’ perceptions can also give them permission to behave a certain way. For example, if a student wants to hook up often with a variety of different people, she or he may feel entitled to do this because “everybody’s doing it.” Thus, some students may view themselves as merely taking part in what typical college students do (i.e., “if others are doing __________, then I can too”).

  The problem is that their perception of what is typical is often not accurate.

  When examining the impact of perceptions on students’ behavior, one should not underestimate the power of an individual’s clique. For example, students who were involved in the extremes of the campus hookup culture tended to be surrounded by others who were also very sexually active. These students, who were often involved in fraternity/

  sorority life, generally hooked up more often than other students. Their perceptions of classmates were influenced by their circle of friends.

  These men and women perceived other students to be extremely sexually active, which, on any given night, might include engaging in indis-criminate sexual encounters. Stephen, a 27-year-old alumnus of State University, described an incident that occurred when he was a college fraternity member.

  KB: So you would not necessarily talk to people about your hookups?

  Stephen: No, I do. We do. Guys bullshit and talk. Guys are more fla-grant when they talk about hooking up [than girls are].

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  KB: Graphic?

  Stephen: Yeah. They are more graphic. They get into great detail.

  [Laughs] It is funny I am just thinking back to funny stories.

  KB: Tell me one.

  Stephen: Oh God. I’ll tell you this story. . . . It was finals week my junior year and I was done finals on a Wednesday. So I had Wednesday, Thursday, Friday with nothing to do. Everyone else is still taking finals. So I went out for some drinks. We went to this [bar nearby]. I knew the bartender so he started giving me shots. I was with one of my friends. There were these two girls there and the bartender started feeding her shots and next thing you know I started talking to her. The bar wasn’t crowded at all. Next thing you know we are back at my frat house, she’s like, she can’t even walk, she is really messed up. So, we start hooking up, nothing major. She’s coherent, she knows what is going on, but she is really drunk.

  So we are hooking up and we are sleeping together and she gets sick on me. She’s on top of me and throws up on me. So I had a water bed, I think that is why she got sick. I push her aside and run out to my living room, I am covered in throw-up and I’m like: “Somebody has got to help me.” There were two guys out there watching TV. I’m like: “One of you guys has to help me.” First of all, the girl she doesn’t look good and I’m covered in puke and my room is covered with throw-up. So my one friend he runs back there.

  KB: And you are naked, out in the frat house?

  Stephen: Yeah I am naked. I am out in my living room. And he runs back there and he takes one smell and he starts throwing up.

  So he is getting sick. So my other friend he comes back, we put her in the shower and she is like all out of it. We wash her off, we try to take care of her; we [continue to] wash her off.

  . . . I had a bunk bed and I was on the lower level of the bunk bed and my friend that was helping me out tried to help me clean her up a little bit, I put her up on his bed. Because my bed [had vomit on it so] I had to take the sheets off and everything. So I put her up on his bed, I go out in the living room and am just talking to those guys for a little bit. Then I go back in and she’s totally fine, she is totally coherent. So we start “going at it” again [laughs] and then she starts calling 92

  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A me by the wrong name. So keep in mind that we are on the top bunk bed so we are close to the ceiling tiles. So she is screaming somebody else’s name. I can’t believe I am telling you this. And, umm, and she is screaming the name Anthony, so I am like, “Who is Anthony?” and she’s like, “I mean Stephen.” So that was that. I took her, that was finals week, she missed her final, I took her home and went down to the kitchen in the fraternity house to get something to eat and I didn’t know that my one friend had heard us through the ceiling tiles and he just looks over at me and is like:

  “What’s up, Anthony?” And I just looked at him and am like,

  “You heard that whole thing?” And he’s like: “Yeah.” So that was like a typical night at [State U.].

  KB: Typical night?

  Stephen: It was . . . it happened. I mean that was the first time I ever had a girl throw up on me. But that is the kind of scene that went on there. [I hope you] don’t look at me any differently

  [now that I told you this story]. [Emphasis added]

  My research suggests that Stephen’s story is very unusual, yet his frame of reference on campus led him to conclude that his experience represents a typical night at State University. Thus, Stephen’s (distorted) perception of what was typical gave him permission to engage in what was actually atypical (and perhaps unlawful) behavior.22

  A STATE OF CONFUSION

  Men and women draw from their peers when making decisions on how to conduct their own sexual lives. In the hookup culture, students were often confused about what other students were doing sexually, particularly with regard to how often other students hooked up or how likely they were to have sexual intercourse during a hookup (i.e., outside the context of an exclusive relationship). They also had a tendency to believe that other students must be frequently engaging in sexual intercourse with a variety of partners, even if this was not consistent with their own experience or the experiences of their circle of close friends.

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  KB: Would you say that most students you know are having sex?

  Jen: Yes.

  KB: But when people hook up you [said previously that you]

  generally think they are not having sex?

  Jen: Generally no [they are not having sex when they hook up].

  [Wait, I take that back] they probably are having sex. I really don’t know. Because it’s not something you ask people [if they are not a close friend]. My close group of friends, two of them are in a relationship and they are [having sex]. And then my other roommate she’s not really like that. But that’s just people that I know. But [I am not sure] what other people are doing.

  KB: You don’t know?

  Jen: Right. But probably [they are having sex].

  KB: When would you say that you think sex is appropriate?

  Jen: Personally, I think it’s appropriate when you have a certain trust established. I would not really give it a time frame. Just knowing it’s someone you can trust. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone and have them not call me or ignore me or something like that . . . if they are going to be a jerk about it.

  [Junior, State University]

  Students’ confusion over what peers were doing sexually resulted in confusion over what they themselves should be doing.23 For example, students often did not have strong convictions regarding when sexual intercourse is appropriate.24 Some said sexual intercourse was appropriate only in the context of a committed, exclusive, (potentially) long-term relationship; others voiced vague standards such as “when you know you can trust the person” or “when you can tell him (or her) anything.” Regardless, students hesitated to give a more concrete answer, such a
s a specific time frame.25 Thus, unlike the dating era when sex was deemed appropriate only after marriage or at least engagement, college students utilizing the hookup script cannot pinpoint precisely when, or in what context, sex should occur.

  The fact that the hookup script allows for such a wide range of behavior leaves students grappling with the norms of the hookup script.

  The lack of clarity on what others are doing when they say “I hooked up” led to a sense of normlessness. Rather than there being a standard 94

  T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A to which individuals should aspire, students seemed to believe they were responsible for inventing their own personal standards for what is appropriate. Lee, a freshman at Faith University, discussed her views on when sexual interaction is appropriate.

  KB: In your view, when is sexual interaction appropriate? Are there certain circumstances or is it up to an individual to decide?

  Lee: It’s hard to say. Months ago I would have said if you just had sex with someone where you were with them for a couple months it was bad. But I had sex with my boyfriend like a week and half after I met him . . . I only slept with two other people and that was very rare for me [to have sex with someone so soon]. I guess it does depend. I don’t know.

  Consistent with students suggesting that decision making in the hookup culture must be an individual or personal decision, some indicated that what others do sexually should be private.26 This is ironic given how preoccupied college students were with discussing the intimate details of their classmates’ lives. Thus, there is a disjunction between what college students do (gossip about one another) and what some students say they should do (mind their own business). For instance, I asked the students what advice they would give incoming freshman (of the same gender) regarding how to act with the opposite sex. Emily, a sophomore at Faith University, suggested that it is inappropriate for her to impose her personal beliefs on others.

  KB: Is there anything else you would say [to an incoming freshman female] regarding do’s or don’ts of how to act with guys?

  Emily: Umm, I don’t know . . . I think everyone has their individual values and I don’t think they should be pushed on anyone else. I mean, I would say: “Don’t go around sleeping with the whole campus,” but you do what you want to do, you do what you think is right. And I don’t think I should say to someone like, even though I think it’s wrong, I can’t imagine pushing my beliefs on someone else.

  This excerpt from Emily underscores the ethic of individual choice to which many students seemed to subscribe to in theory.27 In practice, T H E C A M P U S A S A S E X UA ll A R E N A 95

  however, the college students admitted that they were constantly engaged in gossiping about, as well as judging, one another for their behavior in the hookup culture. It is naive for students to believe that the choices individuals make in order to adapt to the hookup script are simply a matter of consulting one’s own moral compass. Men and women do not interact in a vacuum. In the campus sexual arena, students create their personal standards by drawing upon what they believe other students are doing (i.e., what is “normal”). Students’ perceptions, or misperceptions, of the norms for the hookup script ultimately affect the script itself. In other words, if college students perceive a certain behavior to be normative, and they conform to that behavior, then they actually shape what becomes the norm.

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  Men,Women,

  and the Sexual Double Standard

  Certain Hollywood actresses of the 1950s and 1960s, such as Sandra Dee and Doris Day, epitomized the proverbial idea of a “good girl.” These women had a squeaky clean, virginlike image that was promulgated both on and off screen. All actresses of this time period did not fit this mold, but there was something about maintaining this image that helped propel these women to stardom. An erotic image, on the other hand, also helped skyrocket the careers of actresses like Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe. Interestingly, both Taylor and Monroe became the infamous “other women” in the marriages of “respectable” wives like Debbie Reynolds and first lady Jacqueline Kennedy. Thus, iconic women could be characterized either as a virginal “good girl” (i.e., the marrying kind), or a sexy “bad girl” whom a man should not bring home to Mother.

  The women’s movement of the late 1960s and 1970s aimed to free women of this kind of labeling by encouraging all women to embrace their sexuality. This era has been called the sexual revolution because it became increasingly socially acceptable for women to have sex prior to marriage.1 Although cultural expectations for women’s sexual behavior changed after the sexual revolution, the good-girl image has remained relevant. In the 1980s, girl-next-door Molly Ringwald was the leader of Hollywood’s “brat pack” and starred in a number of hit films portraying youth culture. In the 1990s superstar Meg Ryan reigned as America’s sweetheart, a title some are now passing on to actress Mandy Moore. In 2005, the public rallied behind jilted wife Jennifer Aniston when bad girl Angelina Jolie stole the heart of Brad Pitt.2 The lasting popularity of women with an innocent persona begs the question: How much have attitudes on women’s sexuality actually changed? The hookup culture on modern college campuses affords young people 96

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  more freedom than ever before, yet there continues to be a double standard for the sexual lives of men and women.3

  When men and women first enter college they seem to be on the same page. Freshman year is a time when all students can test limits.

  Most students at both Faith and State were on their own for the first time; dorm life provided the first extended opportunity to live away from parental supervision. Both men and women enter college with ideas about what college life is supposed to be like, and they are eager to be a part of the social scene. Most students indicated that, as freshmen, they did not want to be “tied down” to a relationship because this would interfere with experiencing all that college life has to offer. Many students had had exclusive relationships in high school and they reported looking forward to having a little freedom to see “who else is out there.”4 During this time of sexual experimentation, many students, both male and female, spoke of enjoying partying and hooking up.

  Since they were still getting to know their fellow classmates on campus, many indicated that “random” hookups were common.5

  After freshman year, things change. Men’s and women’s goals in the hookup culture diverge; men enjoy the status quo, while women begin to want something more. For many men, the hookup script worked, so they did not communicate that they wanted a different way of doing things. Men preferred a “no strings attached” approach to a hookup encounter, so they could hook up with different women whenever they had the opportunity. For men who had good social skills, the opportunities were many. Men who wanted more than “just a hookup” pursued relationships and they did not seem to have much difficulty finding them.6 However, many men indicated that they did not want relationships during college. Other men said they might be interested in a relationship if the “right girl” came along, but they were not planning to “go out of their way” to find her. Women, on the other hand, became increasingly relationship-oriented after freshman year. While many women were still willing to hook up, they wanted hookup encounters to turn into some semblance of a relationship.

  GOALS AT ODDS

  Since men and women want different things from the hookup culture, the intimate side of college life becomes somewhat of a battle of the 98

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  sexes. Given that many women want relationships and many men do not, boyfriends are hard to come by. Lisa, a sophomore at State University, discussed what college women want.

  KB: What about girls? What are they looking for, are they looking for sex, are they looking for relationships, what are they looking for?

  Lisa: I think, like I said, when I first came in as a freshma
n, I wasn’t looking for a real relationship at all, I just wanted to go out and have fun and do whatever I wanted to do. And I think a lot of my girlfriends were like that last year too. As time goes on, it gets kind of old [the whole hookup scene]

  and you’re like: “All right, I’m sick of just kissing random people; it’s not really that fun; it doesn’t mean anything.” And I think people, at least girls, as they progress through college they start to really want, I know a lot of them really want to find someone that they really like and have a real relationship.

  KB: Do you think that is something they will be able to find or is that something that’s hard for them to find?

  Lisa: I don’t know, I mean it is kind of hard to find in college. Like, the guy that I’m seeing now is someone from home. [Emphasis added]

  Many of the women were not as fortunate as Lisa in terms of finding a boyfriend. It seemed it was easier for her to maintain a long-distance relationship than to find a boyfriend on campus among thousands of single men.

  The college men were aware that some women wanted hookup encounters to evolve into relationships. So, they developed strategies for communicating their lack of interest in pursuing anything further.

  Specifically, men spoke about avoiding girls after a hookup, “not calling girls back,” or “thinking of good excuses” to get out of spending time with them. Kevin, a senior at Faith University, explained how he would get his point across without actually having to say so.

  Kevin: If the next day [after a hookup] she’s like: “I want to come over and hang out” and you didn’t want to hook up with her again you’d be like: “Oh, I got practice tonight.” Or I was the M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D

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  head of intramurals too . . . I’d be like: “I’ve got intramurals, I’ve got to run tonight over at the gym,” that would be an easy way to get out of it. The other way [to get out of hanging out with girls] is to just not talk to them.