Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus

by Kathleen A. Bogle

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  KB: If somebody was interested in someone else, how would they have something happen with them? How do you get from A to B?

  Liz: Probably alcohol would be a big factor and like the parties and stuff. Like it’s just, like if something’s going to happen it will be like at the party or things will evolve [from there and]

  you’ll hang out with them one on one [later].

  The hookup culture and the alcohol culture on campus are so inextricably linked that students who choose to forgo the party and bar scene are also excluding themselves from the hookup scene. Since hooking up is the primary means for finding potential sexual and romantic partners, those who do not participate struggle to form relationships.

  KB: So what do people do then . . . if most hooking up happens when you’re drinking and you don’t really drink much, then how can people like you have something going [relationship-wise] . . . or would it be really difficult?

  Kim: I kind of feel like in college it’s more difficult just because that’s what everybody does . . . that’s been my experience.

  I mean, it’s fine; it’s not hard to meet people through classes and through organizations and stuff. But, I really feel like a lot of relationships do start at parties and stuff. So . . .

  maybe I am missing out on that right now. [Sophomore, Faith University]

  The connection between hooking up and alcohol-centered socializing on campus is not insignificant. Researchers have demonstrated that alcohol consumption is correlated with the decision to have sexual intercourse as well as engaging in so-called risky sexual behavior, such as having casual sex.33 Many college students I interviewed recognized that, at times, alcohol “made them do things” that they would not otherwise do, particularly with regard to hooking up.34 Brian, a sophomore at Faith University, said, “Usually when you’re hooking up . . . [both parties have] probably been drinking. You know, it’s just like: ‘Oh we’re doing this cause we’re both drunk and we’re both kind of horny,’ to be honest with you.”

  Although alcohol consumption may lead to hooking up, the link could also be reversed; that is, perhaps the hookup script requires alcohol.35 In 168

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  other words, alcohol appears to be a desirable social lubricant to aid the hookup process. Although hooking up is often a desired outcome for students after an evening at a party or bar, for the most part it is not clear who is going to hook up with whom. During the dating era, it was clear to everyone who someone’s date was for the evening. If a sexual advance was going to be made, the person, generally the man, knew who would be the target: his date. The hookup scene carries a lot more uncertainty. Students must utilize many nonverbal cues in order to indicate interest to a potential hookup partner; however, there is a great deal of trepidation about getting one’s signals crossed. As Robert, a sophomore at Faith University, put it:

  The likelihood of [hooking up] happening when you are totally sober is very unlikely, I would say. It is only when people start loosening up by drinking, I call it liquid courage. Most guys are shy about going up to pretty girls, [so that is why] I call it liquid courage. They got enough courage up to go up and talk to the girl. And if she was the same status regarding alcohol consumption, then the two people that are attracted to each other will just go ahead and [hook up].

  Drinking alcohol makes navigating this difficult system easier for the participants. If one person indicates interest in another and the feeling is not mutual, the party of the first part can easily claim, “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing,” rather than admitting, “I was rejected.” This also holds true for a regrettable hookup encounter.36 Thus, the awkwardness and uncertainty of the hookup script may encourage participants to use alcohol in a way that the dating script did not. Indeed, the alumni I spoke with dramatically reduced drinking when they went on formal dates because it was defined as “inappropriate” for the postcollege dating script.

  UNDER COVER

  Alcohol use may be one strategy employed by students trying to cope with the hooking-up system, which has made male-female interaction more covert. In the dating era, many aspects of a date were out in the open. It was socially acceptable for a man to ask a woman out on a date anywhere and at any time (i.e., a grocery store in the afternoon), and the H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G

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  invitation for a date was direct and verbal. The man had to ask the woman if she would like to go out with him and risk that she might say

  “no.” If she accepted the invitation, the man had to put some thought into where he would take the woman, how they would get to their des-tination, and so forth. The date itself would take place somewhere in public, such as at a restaurant or theater. Regardless of the precise location, the woman was the man’s date (and vice versa) for the evening, something that was readily apparent to onlookers. Thus, the public nature of the date, coupled with the “work” the man had to put in to make the date happen, insured that the dating partners could not easily dis-claim any affiliation with each other.

  The hookup era allows for much more private and spur-of-the-moment interaction. For example, the advent of Web sites such as MySpace and Facebook, where students can create personal profiles and con-verse with others by posting messages on their Web page, has revolu-tionized the way young people interact. Although these profiles are often accessible to anyone (and therefore far from private), the internet has made connecting with the opposite sex more anonymous and secretive. Contemporary college students can be “socializing” with others while sitting alone in their dorm rooms or apartments. Other techno-logical advances, such as cell phones, have also made waiting at home for a suitor’s phone call a thing of the past. There is no longer a need for advance plans when today’s students can call or “text” each other to make last-minute arrangements to get together to “hang out.” Additionally, unlike a date, a hookup encounter typically begins at the end of the night with nonverbal cues between two people who have been drinking. If one party is not proud of their hookup partner (due to appearance or some other reason), he or she can act like it never happened. A number of men I interviewed said they were careful about admitting whom they hooked up with for fear of being teased or getting their “balls busted” by their friends.37 Moreover, both men and women who are immersed in the hookup scene occasionally use alcohol as an excuse for having engaged in a hookup with someone they later considered undesirable.38 Thus, the public nature of dating made it a less anonymous way of getting together. Someone of the opposite sex was your date for the evening, he or she was the person “on your arm,” and there was no easy way to pretend otherwise.

  Outward signs of romance also accompanied the dating script. Traditional symbols of wooing a partner, like flowers and candy, are no 170

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  longer part of the early stages of a romantic relationship in college. In the hookup era, these types of gestures are reserved for special occasions, such as Valentine’s Day, among men and women who are already a couple. Thus, those who participate in the hookup script do not use the customary trappings of courtship that, in the dating era, were public signs of affection among romantic/sexual partners.

  MONEY, STATUS, AND WORTH

  Gestures such as flowers and candy may also have become passé as money became less significant as a status symbol in the hookup script.

  In the dating era, the script called for the dating pair to go out together, which often involved men paying for entertainment of some kind.

  However, it was not just a matter of men needing money to date; rather, with dating, men and women began to determine what the other was

  “worth.”39 A woman could determine a man’s worth by what kind of car he drove, by his family name, and by what kinds of dates he could afford or was willing to “spring for.”40 A man determined how much a woman was “worth” by considering the “
assets” she had that would make it worth it to take her on an expensive date.41 In many cases, a woman’s worth was determined less by intrinsic or individual qualities than by her popularity or reputation as a sought-after date.42 Indeed, the discourse surrounding dating indicated that women, in particular, were treated as commodities.43 This point is clearly demonstrated by the comparison often made between women and cars during the dating era. According to social historian Beth Bailey: “The equation of women and cars was common in mid-century American culture. Both were property, both expensive; cars and women came in different styles or models, and both could be judged on performance. The woman he es-corted, just as the car he drove, publicly defined both a man’s taste and his means.”44

  Since hooking up does not involve a pair going out together, there is no reason to directly spend money. Although financial costs are still associated with collegiate social activities, they no longer consist of men spending money on their dates the way they did during the dating era.

  According to the college students I interviewed, both men and women generally “pay their own way” for admission into an event, such as a party that has a cover charge to gain entrance. Thus, women are no H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G

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  longer subject to being evaluated in terms of how much they are

  “worth” as they were during the dating era, and men are less often judged by the size of their wallet (or their family’s bank account). The fact that finances have been taken out of the equation for the hookup script in college creates an atmosphere that is less money focused. Jake, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed the difference in money and status during college and after.

  KB: You mentioned that sorority girls only seemed to want to be involved with fraternity guys. Why do you think it worked like that?

  Jake: Because that’s the way it always is. Girls want the football guys. They want the jocks or whatever. That’s the way it has always been, probably always will be.

  KB: So they just want people with high status and certain people have high status?

  Jake: Exactly. If you are not in, you’re out. Just like in the real world there are certain things that girls want, if you don’t have it, you are out.

  KB: Okay. Do you have it?

  Jake: [Laughs] Do I have it? Now I do. Back then [in college] I didn’t.

  KB: So you weren’t an athlete or fraternity member [during college]? What do you have now?

  Jake: See what happens is, and this is from everybody I hear, and this definitely includes myself, when you’re out in the working world for a few years and you start making a few bucks, you start learning how to dress, you get better friends, you get a nice car, you start to put things together. You figure out who you are, in college you don’t have a clue. . . . But that’s pretty much what happens, you get a job, you get some experience.

  KB: So now you have the car, the clothes, the job, is that what

  [women] are looking for? What makes you in better shape now than other guys?

  Jake: The smart guys [in college who got] straight A’s or whatever, finance [majors], the payoff isn’t until after they graduate and until they start making some money. That’s the payout.

  In college, money doesn’t matter. Everybody is equal. Everybody is living off of Mommy and Daddy anyway, so money 172

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  is no big deal. Of course if somebody is richer than somebody else it helps, but not until you get out in the real world do girls start to wake up . . . once their [biological] clock starts to tick, once they hit twenty-five. Then the roles reverse; the guy is more mature and the girls are starting to panic. A flip-flop.

  POSTPONING ADULTHOOD

  In Jake’s observation on the difference between students and alumni, he mentions college students’ dependence on parents. Since most college students are of legal age upon entering college (a traditional marker of the beginning of adulthood), it raises the question: Do contemporary college students see themselves as adults? In the dating era, most considered marriage as the most important factor in the transition to adulthood. With the average age at first marriage in the 1950s dating era 20

  for women and 22 for men, students were likely to be considered by society, and to think of themselves, as adults during their college years.45

  In recent decades, men and women have been postponing marriage and many other role transitions (such as parenthood and home ownership) and college students have become less likely to think of themselves as adults.46

  In the hookup era, students tend to view their college years as a last chance to “live it up” before settling down into their postcollege career.

  The men and women I spoke with defined college as a time to have fun and referred to graduation as a time when “real life” and adult responsibilities began. This mentality greatly affects their attitude and behavior in the realm of sex and relationships during their college years, allowing contemporary college students more freedom to experiment and “play the field.”

  BATTLE OF THE SEXES

  Although there are many differences between the dating and hooking-up scripts, there are also important similarities. One thing that has not changed with the shift to hooking up is that men continue to hold most of the power, as they did in the dating era. When the calling system was H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G

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  abandoned in favor of dating, there was a shift in power from women to men.47 In the calling era, young women and their mothers had the power to invite men to call (i.e., come to their home for a visit). If a man was interested in a woman, he had to hope for this invitation. However, when dating became the dominant script, only men could initiate a date.48 Men were responsible for paying for the date, so the decision was in the hands of the man to figure out what he could afford and then ask a woman of interest to accompany him for the evening. This often left women waiting by the phone for a man’s invitation.49

  With the hookup script, the power to initiate is less gendered; both men and women can signal interest in hooking up. So, with regard to initiation, women in the hookup era may have more power than women had in the dating era. However, in the hookup era, it is not the power to initiate, but the ability to ultimately get what they want that demonstrates men’s continuing dominance.50 Many of the women I interviewed indicated that they wanted “something more” than just a one-night hookup encounter. Women do not necessarily object to hooking up per se; rather, they object to how often hooking up fails to evolve into some semblance of a relationship. Moreover, women feel that men have the power to decide whether a hookup turns into “seeing each other” or “going out.”51 Thus, women have a great deal of difficulty obtaining what they want via the hookup script. This is not the case for men. Many of the men I interviewed indicated that they could choose to be in a relationship if they wanted to; however, they often preferred to hook up with no strings attached.

  KB: You didn’t want to be a steady boyfriend?

  Tony: No, definitely not.

  KB: Why not?

  Tony: Because then you get into that whole other world and it’s a fucking mess. [Laughs]

  KB: So, why are relationships a mess? Why do you like the other way of interacting?

  Tony: Well, they [relationships] can be cool, don’t get me wrong, like I loved being in relationships before, but as far as right now, that’s not what I want and I think a lot of people don’t want that just because they’re graduating. Like why hang out with a girl right now, this is actually [a] pretty good

  [thought], why hang out with a girl right now when you 174

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  have one semester left before you’re graduating? So, a lot of my time is going into hanging out with my good friends and I hate to lose that and invest it into a girl, which I’m probably more than likely not going to marry, you know. So, this is the last couple of months with my best friends; why would I invest my tim
e with someone that I’m not going to hang out with that much [after college].

  KB: You mentioned marriage [earlier]. Do you picture yourself getting married at any particular age? Or do you ever think about that?

  Tony: Definitely. Probably like around late twenties. [Senior, State University]

  Although Tony did “go out” with someone for part of his college years, he often terminated relationships before they got to the point of being serious or exclusive. Many of the men I interviewed, like Tony, were active members of the hookup scene, but were not utilizing it for the purpose of finding a relationship. They were able to have satisfying sexual encounters via the hookup script without offering commitment in return. During the dating era, a man often had to spend a great deal of time with a woman before she was willing to become sexual with him.

  Moreover, the man often had to ask a woman to marry him before he could hope to have sexual intercourse.52 This is no longer the case in the college hookup scene. Although this is a difference between the hookup and the dating scripts, the commonality is that men have a greater share of power in both eras. During the dating era, men held the power because only they could initiate dates, while women played a more passive role. During the hookup era, both men and women can initiate hookup encounters, but it is men who still have the power to control the intensity of the relationship.

  As in the dating script, as described in Waller’s study of Penn State University students in the 1930s, relationships today are governed by the “principle of least interest.”53 This means that the person with the least interest in continuing the relationship holds all of the power or has the upper hand. In the dating era, this could be either the man or the woman. In the college hookup scene, men typically are the ones with the least interest in a continuing relationship. The college men I interviewed talked about the feeling of having many women to choose from, so there was no need to hold on to a particular woman. Most of H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G