Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus

by Kathleen A. Bogle

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  the college women I spoke to, on the other hand, were interested in turning hookup partners into boyfriends. Violet, a junior at State University, relayed an example from her own experience.

  KB: Have you ever had a situation where you wanted a hookup to turn into something more and they didn’t want it, or vice versa?

  Violet: Yeah. I had a friend of mine who I hooked up [with] one night and it was the kind of scenario where we were friends and I wanted something more out of it and he didn’t.

  KB: And how did he know you wanted more and how did you know he didn’t?

  Violet: Well, like I called him after we hooked up and he was like:

  “Hey, what is going on?” And I was like: “If you want to go out sometime give me a call.” And he was like: “Yeah, okay.” And he never called me. And we would see each other

  [sometimes] . . . and he’d just be like: “Hey.” And it never came to anything; [it was] just that one time.

  Liz, a freshman at Faith University, encountered a similar issue.

  KB: You said that you’re not really sure why things fizzled out

  [between you and the guy you have been hooking up with repeatedly] but do you feel like it was more one person’s doing than the other? Was it more him or more you?

  Liz: It was more him. We had this talk once because people started labeling us as like “together.” And that freaked him out because, I don’t even know why. He didn’t [want that].

  He was like: “Whoa! I just got here. I don’t want a girlfriend.

  I’m not hooking up with anyone else right now, but I don’t want to be labeled as like hooking up with just one person.” You know what I’m saying? [He didn’t] want it to be like:

  “Oh, there’s Liz and oh where’s [your boyfriend] John?” Whatever.

  Both in college and after, women were interested in pursuing relationships with marriage potential sooner than men were interested in doing so. The idea that a woman’s “clock is ticking” while a man has

  “all the time in the world” fundamentally affects who holds the power.

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  Thus, the hookup era’s power dynamic carries over postcollege. Many of the alumni women I spoke with discussed the challenge they faced in trying to get the men in whom they were interested to commit to them.

  KB: How did you know you were together [in a relationship]?

  Did you verbalize it?

  Raquel: I had been calling him my boyfriend from the very beginning . . . but he’s very handsome and . . . he had a bunch of women he was juggling in the beginning and they fell by the wayside and I was the one still standing . . . he would not call me his girlfriend until one day in August when we went out to dinner and ran into somebody and he introduced me as his girlfriend. That was the first time I ever heard those words, and I was like: “Thank God!” He was a battle in the beginning; he never wanted to have a girlfriend . . . I had to work hard for this relationship. I was like: “I don’t know what to do.” He will only see me once every two weeks and only call me once every two weeks.

  KB: So you were hoping, almost from the beginning, that it would develop more and were kind of waiting until he was ready?

  Raquel: Yeah.

  KB: When you said he was a battle and you put a lot of work in

  [during] the beginning [of the relationship], other than waiting and hoping he was going to ask you out more, what else did you feel like you were doing to put in work?

  Raquel: It’s putting in the brainpower and working to mold him into thinking I am his girlfriend and keeping myself back and not bother[ing] him . . . I had to really bite my tongue and try hard not to nag him. [I had to] let him take his time and make his decision about whether I was right for him. . . . I didn’t want to hound him, or ask too many questions. I just wanted to be the sweet, nice person that I am. It was like working really hard to prove to him that I was someone he wanted to be with. It did work out and I knew he and I would be good together, but I had to work hard at not pushing too hard. I was like: “What can I do to make this decision easier for you?” He said: “Keep doing what you are doing. Everything you are doing is great.” [24-year-old alumnus of State University]

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  Many of the women I interviewed had a story similar to Raquel’s: a woman who was involved, sexually and otherwise, with a man often wanted that man to be in an exclusive relationship with her. When the two parties were not on the same page, women struggled with whether to keep “hanging on” with the hope of a happy ending or to “move on” and start searching for a new partner. These women found it very difficult to end a relationship, even when they were not satisfied with its quality. For college women this sometimes came in the form of booty-call relationships or repeat hookup relationships with a man they were hoping would eventually agree to a committed relationship (i.e., “seeing each other” or “going out”). Unfortunately, these women were often disappointed when hooking up failed to evolve into something more than that. This difficulty became amplified for alumni women who were looking for a boyfriend and ultimately a potential lifelong mate.

  Despite women’s interest in finding boyfriends, many reported that the men they were interested in pursuing a relationship with were hesitant to be in an exclusive relationship. Several alumni women indicated that this problem led to an “on again, off again” relationship while the tug-of-war over commitment was fought.

  Shana: He’s not ready to commit. He wants to keep playing and I just can’t sit around anymore because it hurts too much. All of his like, other people.

  KB: Other girls?

  Shana: Yeah.

  KB: So he wants to be involved with you, but wants it to be a nonexclusive thing?

  Shana: [Right, so] . . . then it comes to the point where he says: “We have to talk.” And I am like: “Oh great! [sarcastic tone] Here we go.” . . . We are famous for having talks. [He says]: “I want to make sure we are on the same page, that you realize that I am still not ready to commit to you. I can see us in the future together, but not right now.” A relationship with someone is not in his plan. He needs to accomplish some things in his career and be settled. He is very analytical and logical and he thinks he can be analytical and logical when it comes to relationships. But I keep trying to tell him that:

  “No, [it doesn’t work that way].”

  KB: What did you say to him when he gave you this talk?

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  Shana: Just that I feel like I am either setting myself up for the biggest fall of my life [if I wait it out and we don’t end up together] or the chance for my dreams all coming true. And it’s like—do I take that chance? Am I going to end up being 35

  and single still waiting for [him] to come around? [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

  Carol: So before me he dated people for like two months, then he’d move on. He wouldn’t ever let it get serious; he just did it to date but not to get more involved. He’s told me now that

  [our relationship] was serious to the extent that we weren’t dating anyone else. He was my boyfriend. But any time he thought it was getting too involved, like I was being too dependent on him . . . he would just say: “I am not ready for this.” [He would] get scared . . . and he would always say to me: “I am breaking up now because I can’t do this to you farther down the road.” The last time we broke up . . . I realized, not what I was doing wrong but, I was kind of pushing him away a little bit, scaring him off. But also it was because of him. He would make me so insecure.

  KB: Give me an example of something you might do to scare him off or [something] that would show that you are too dependent.

  Carol: It was just little stuff. He said now it wasn’t so much me being dependent on him, it was just that he wasn’t ready to be [in a relationship]. Like I would call him and ask his advice on somethi
ng and he would think: “Why is she calling me to ask me that?” I would ask him [advice] now and he would answer me. I don’t think now that I was being as dependent as he was saying. He wasn’t ready for me to ask him his advice or to do the full couple thing. But we should have been [ready]. We dated for nine months; it was serious dating. We weren’t seeing anyone else; we saw each other every weekend and even during the week and we talked every day. He was my boyfriend. It was one of those things where we just weren’t on the same page at the same time about what we wanted and stuff like that. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

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  One can clearly see that Waller’s “principle of least interest” is still (60-some years after he coined the phrase) largely dictating who holds the power among young singles. Given the relationship struggles that many women go through, it is obvious why advice books, such as He’s Just Not That Into You, end up being best-sellers.54

  WALKING THE LINE

  Men’s greater control has led to the sexual exploitation of women in both the dating and hooking-up eras. According to Waller’s study of the dating era, exploitation occurred when one party was more interested in a continuing relationship than the other and thereby she or he was willing to give in to the other’s demands. Among dating partners during this time, women might exploit men by “gold digging,” while men could exploit women for sexual favors or “thrills.”55 Therefore, in a case where a woman had stronger feelings toward a man and was trying to secure him, she might offer more sexual favors. In the hookup era, sexual exploitation continues to be an issue for women. Since hooking up does not involve men spending money on women, college men have no fear of gold digging.56 Women, on the other hand, must be cautious about being used. Many of the college men I spoke with were aware that women were desirous of more committed relationships, yet men were often able to keep a woman as just a hookup partner.

  Exploitation was an issue not just for women in some version of a relationship, but for those seeking relationships, too. Throughout the dating era, women who had a reputation for “putting out” might be asked on dates by a variety of men, each having the purpose of seeing how much he could get sexually.57 Certain women might be sought after for dates because they were defined as being sexually available merely due to their social class or occupation.58 For example, student nurses were stereotyped as a “good time” by college men. Thus, college men sought dates with student nurses in order to “get a little” sexually.59 Some college men in the hookup era who are interested in accumulating various hookup partners do so by going after certain women, as men did in the dating era. For example, several college students mentioned that freshman males have a great deal of difficulty getting into campus parties unless they know one of the hosts personally, while 180

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  freshman women are granted free admission. This practice increases the likelihood of upperclassmen being able to hook up with freshman women who are a target because they are naive about the unwritten rules of the hookup scene.

  Like women of the dating era, college women in the hookup culture must walk a fine line between being exploited and being excluded.

  Those who choose to take part in the script not only risk being used for sex, but also risk their reputations. There are a host of norms to which contemporary college women must adhere in order to avoid being labeled a “slut.” College women can be negatively labeled if they hook up too often or with too many different partners. Indeed, women must be careful not even to appear to be conducting themselves in an overtly provocative manner or they will be perceived as “easy.” Kyle, a senior at State University, summarized it this way: “One night can screw up a girl’s reputation.”

  Another pitfall for women is going “too far” sexually during a hookup. Many of the students I spoke with took for granted that it is a woman’s responsibility to decide “how far” a sexual encounter will go.

  Lee, a freshman at Faith University, explained this attitude: “Because I think guys will always try to make [sexual] advances and it’s up to the girl to go along with that or not. And I think girls are scared to say no and to say that they are not into doing that because they don’t want to look stupid. . . . But I think ultimately it is up to the girl.” In the hookup culture, college women’s reputations can be affected not only by their own behavior, but even by whom they associate with on campus. For example, certain sororities on the campuses I studied were given nicknames having a sexual connotation. Similarly, an arti-cle in Rolling Stone magazine about Duke University quotes an anonymous blog entry entitled “How-to Guide to Banging a Sorority Girl,” which ranks the women of the “Core Four” sororities on campus in terms of their attractiveness. The blogger contends: “I would include a ranking for sluttiness, but in general all four are equally slutty.” The blogger goes on to say it may be difficult to have sex with women in one of the “hottest” sororities, “unless you are part of the lucky group of dudes that pass these bitches around.”60 Although this blogger’s point of view may be more extreme than that of most students on campus, it demonstrates how college women exist in a fishbowl, for others to watch and judge.

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  In the dating era, women’s sexual behavior was also scrutinized.61

  Women were permitted to allow some necking and petting, but were absolutely supposed to maintain their virginity. Advice books were filled with suggestions for women on how to conduct themselves in sexual matters.62 These books suggested that women were responsible for playing the “gatekeeper” role during sexual interaction on dates.63

  The 1958 advice book The Art of Dating warned young women about what men really think about girls who go “all the way.” It suggested that if a girl allows a guy to go all the way, afterwards he is haunted by the question: “If she went all the way with me, how can I be sure there have not been others?” It continues by saying that men do not want to get “stuck with a tramp” for a long-term relationship.64

  Although the dating script and the hookup script differ with regard to specific sexual norms, women’s sexual conduct continues to be scrutinized in a way that men’s behavior is not. Thus, the sexual double standard, which prevailed during the dating era, is still very much a part of the hookup scene. This scrutiny makes navigating sex and relationships in the hookup era difficult for women. Women want “romantic” interaction with men, but there are many pitfalls for them in doing so. The catch is that a woman needs to hook up in order to find someone with whom to have a potential relationship, yet her very participation in hooking up can mean that she is not taken seriously as a potential girlfriend, is exploited for sex, and/or is labeled a slut. Women of the dating era faced the same dilemma. For example, student nurses found themselves in a difficult situation because of the stereotype that they were promiscuous.

  If she is not cooperative and does not meet the college boys’ expectations of sexual permissiveness, she is likely to be dropped immediately and have no further dates. If she is cooperative, she easily builds a reputation and becomes fair game for her current dating partner and later his friends and fraternity brothers. The authors suspect that more girls than not choose to solve the dilemma by being more permissive than they normally would, just in order to keep dating.65

  Despite this dilemma, women actively participate in hooking up, as they did in dating. Why? Because the prevailing script in any era is seen 182

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  as the only way, or at least the most likely way, to get together with men and feel a part of the social scene of their peers.

  CONCLUSION

  In the final analysis, much has changed since the dating era. Some of the changes can be seen as an improvement, and others can be viewed as negative. One of the most interesting things to examine about the shift from dating to hooking up is its impact on women. Since the emergence of hooking
up can be traced back to the sexual revolution period, it begs the question: Have the goals of the women’s liberation movement been met? If the objective of women’s rights activists was for women to be able to have sexual experiences without having to barter exclusive sexual access in exchange for a wedding ring, there is evidence that it has been realized. Women’s sexual behavior has changed more than men’s since the 1960s, and on several key indicators women are reaching “parity” with men. For example, historically men had their first experience of sexual intercourse earlier than women; today, it is roughly equal.66

  Historically, men also had a higher number of sexual partners than women; however, in more recent decades gender differences are less pronounced.67 These changes were precisely what many architects of the women’s liberation movement had in mind.

  However, even as similarities between men and women increased, the double standard remains. On the campuses I studied, contemporary college women may be permitted to engage in a wider variety of sexual behaviors under a wider array of circumstances than their dating-era counterparts, but there are no clear rules guiding what they should do and under what conditions. The ostensible lack of rules in the hookup script may seem to be liberating, and perhaps it can be, but it is also problematic because there are many unwritten rules that women must learn as they go along. These unwritten rules continue to limit the options available to women who are interested in pursuing sexual relationships.

  Despite the double standard, women do have more sexual freedom today than they did in the dating era. But, it was not only women who gained sexual freedom since the sexual revolution; men did also.