Secrets and Sacrifice: A Christian Romance (The Shadows Series Book 4)

by Juliette Duncan

  Carefully opening it, Grace swallowed hard. Dillon had painted himself holding her hand. “It’s lovely, Dillon. Thank you.” She swallowed again as she gave him a big smile. "I'll take it home with me and put it on my wall."

  "Really?" His whole face lit up.

  Grace nodded. It might not fit her decor, but it would take pride of place in her living room.

  “That’s enough now, Dillon.” Lizzy placed a tray of sandwiches cut into triangles on the table.

  “He’s fine, Lizzy. Let him be.” Grace chuckled as she folded the painting and slipped it into her book.

  “We did some too.” Little Clare spoke timidly, her big round eyes serious as she looked at Grace.

  "Did you? You’ll have to show me.”

  Clare nodded as she stuck her thumb in her mouth.

  Lizzy joined them at the table, and reaching out her hands, took hold of the boys' hands. "Let's give thanks before we eat."

  Having been there three days already, Grace was used to this, so she took Dillon's other hand and gently plied Clare's thumb from her mouth, and bowed her head while Lizzy gave thanks. It was a pointless routine, but she had no choice.

  Lizzy raised her head and began placing sandwiches on the children's plates. "Please help yourself, Grace."

  "Thanks." Grace smiled and reached for a ham and tomato sandwich.

  “Was that Brianna I saw leaving just a while ago?” Lizzy looked up.

  Grace nodded. “Yes. She seems to be doing really well.”

  “Daniel said she’s doing great. You must be so relieved.”

  Grace released a slow breath. “I just hope it lasts.”

  “I know what you mean. I used to get my hopes up with Daniel all the time.” Lizzy let out a heavy sigh before brightening. “But he got there in the end, and so will Brianna.”

  “I hope so.” Grace toyed with her napkin. If anyone knew what she was going through, Lizzy did. Her's and Daniel's marriage had almost fallen apart because of his addiction to alcohol. “She asked if I wanted to go hiking with them tomorrow.”

  Lizzy’s eyes widened. “You should go, Grace. You’ll love it.”

  “I was thinking I might. Some exercise might do me good.”

  "Cup of tea?” Lizzy held up a teapot and raised a brow, an amused smirk sitting on her face.

  Grace ignored the smirk. “Yes, please, that would be lovely.”

  Later that evening, when Grace was preparing her hiking clothes for the morning, she came across the letter Niall had given her before she left Belfast. Sitting on the wing chair under the window, she toyed with the letter. She knew the contents by heart, but opened it anyway. She shouldn't have, because her thoughts were drawn back to the night he’d proposed …

  She was twenty-four when they both graduated from Law School, and to celebrate, Niall had booked a table at the fanciest restaurant in Belfast, on top of the Riverside Tower. Grace would have been happy just to go to the local pub, but he'd insisted. He was paying, so she agreed.

  He looked so handsome that night—but he always did. He had such style, and that evening, in his freshly pressed navy trousers and crisp white shirt, Grace was acutely aware she was with the most eligible bachelor in town. Her heart skipped a beat when he placed his hand on the small of her back and led her into the elegant dining room.

  As the waiter directed them to a window seat, Grace's gaze was automatically drawn in the direction of Londonderry, almost a hundred miles away. Would there come a time when she didn't think about the events of that afternoon and evening? She doubted it, but Niall would never know. No one would.

  "Spectacular, isn't it?"

  Grace blinked. She had to focus on Niall and on the present, and not on events of the past. Turning towards him, she planted a smile on her face and nodded. "Yes, it is."

  All through dinner they chatted easily, talking about life after University, and the jobs they were going to. Niall was going to work in his father’s practice, defending the innocent. She'd be working for the Department of Public Prosecution, prosecuting the guilty. It was highly likely they'd cross each other in court some day in the future. They laughed when they discussed who'd be most likely to win.

  After dinner, Niall took her hand, squeezing it and looking deeply into her eyes. A quick and disturbing thought flashed through her mind as he reached into his pocket, drawing out a small red box and placing it on the table between them. She gulped.

  “Grace, you know how much I love you." Niall's voice, strong and deep, sent a quiver of excitement through her, but she couldn't go there. She steeled herself as he continued, rubbing his thumb gently along her hand. "You won’t agree to live with me, so I’m hoping instead that you’ll agree to marry me.” His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, and his eyes, filled with hope, remained locked on hers. Her stomach churned. He squeezed her hand tighter. "Grace, will you marry me?"

  Tears slipped down Grace’s cheek as a deep ache grew in her heart. Niall was the perfect man and she loved him, but she could never be his wife. She had to live with her past, but she couldn’t expect anyone else to. Looking at him now, she wished she’d never gotten involved with him. She could never commit to a permanent relationship, with him, or anyone.

  Sniffing, Grace wiped her tears with a napkin and lowered her gaze. She was about to break his heart, and there was nothing she could do. If only things had been different. Taking a slow breath, Grace looked up and met his quizzical gaze. "Niall…" She gulped. "I can’t marry you. I'm so sorry. Not now, not ever.” She swallowed hard. If only she could have said "yes".

  Niall’s face paled. He leaned closer, gripping her hand. “Grace… why not? Please tell me. We can work through whatever the problem is... please don’t do this.” His voice was shaky, pleading, distraught.

  Grace shook her head and fought back her tears. “No, Niall. We can’t.” Images of bloodied bodies strewn on the pavement flashed through her mind. There was no way they could work through that together.

  “Grace… please tell me.” He gripped her hand. She couldn't bear the pain in his eyes, but there was nothing she could do. Nothing. The suffocating sensation of loss gnawed at her, overwhelming her. This was the end for them. She had to make a clean break. She couldn't allow him any hope.

  She squeezed his hand and forced her tears back. “Niall, I can’t marry you, not now, not ever. I'm sorry.” Tears streamed down her cheeks as she pushed her chair back and stood. "I've got to go, I'm sorry." She could barely speak. She fled towards the elevator, and when she got home, she drank a whole bottle of gin and cried herself to sleep.

  Sitting in the chair under the window in Lizzy's cottage, tears streamed down Grace's cheeks. She'd tried to bury the pain and despair of that night in her work, but nothing had changed. Niall coming back into her life had proven that. She still loved him, but she still couldn’t marry him, or anyone else. Those innocent people's lives were on her head, and would be until the day she died.

  Sleep eluded Grace as usual. Memories circled in her head like vultures, each eager to take a piece of her. But that was nothing new, and so the following morning, she was ready to leave by half past eight.

  Grace shivered as she walked the short distance along the path that joined the cottage and the mansion. Mist hung in the air like a damp blanket. Why had she agreed to go? Right now, a courtroom held way more appeal.

  As Grace rounded the corner and approached the main entrance, her breath caught. Ryan was leaning against the centre's minibus, his arms folded and one ankle crossed over the other as he chatted with Danny. He was a good-looking man, and her heart quickened, not only at his ease and self-confidence, but also at the muscles bulging under his ribbed khaki sweat shirt.

  Since Niall, she'd only had casual liaisons, and the thought of a casual dalliance with Ryan appealed. It wouldn't have to be serious, just a short fling. And it might help rid her of Niall's lingering memory.

  Ryan lifted his gaze as Grace approached, his eyes sweeping over her f
ace approvingly. “You decided to come?”

  “Yes.” She tilted her chin, but her heart pounded.

  “It's a great day for a hike.” An easy smile played at the corners of his mouth.

  “You could have picked a better one.” Grace glanced at the mist hanging over the mountains. “It’d better not rain.”

  “A bit of rain never hurt anyone.” He chuckled, his eyes twinkling.

  Grace raised a brow.

  "Ryan's right, Grace, you get used to it." Leaning forward, Danny placed a kiss on her cheek.

  "We'll see…"

  Ryan winked at her as he began loading the students' backpacks into the bus.

  Shortly after, sitting in the middle beside Brianna, surrounded by Brianna’s new friends, Grace felt like a fish out of water, but she fixed her eyes on the broad shoulders and the curly reddish-blond head of hair in front of her.

  As Ryan drove skilfully along the single-track winding its way above the eastern shore of Loch Linnhe, the mist began to lift and Grace glanced out the window at the rugged, bare hills dotted with sheep and the occasional herd of highland cattle. She had to admit it was kind of beautiful in its own way.

  Ryan stopped the bus on a heather covered meadow on the crest of a hill and everyone piled out. Ryan and Daniel handed out the packs, and when Grace took hers from Ryan, her fingers brushed his. Lifting her gaze, she angled her head and looked into his blue eyes, once again wondering what a man like him was doing in a place like this.

  They set off in single file, Ryan in the lead and Daniel at the tail. Grace chose to walk with Daniel—she'd make her move later when it was more appropriate, and besides, from the back, she could keep her eye on Ryan.

  The winding path led across bare foothills dotted with rocks, heather and sheep. Below, to the right, the loch reflected the grey of the sky, and the remains of an old castle sat on the far side, bearing witness to times gone by.

  Up ahead, Brianna chatted with her new friends. Grace knew she should be happy for her, and she was, but it only highlighted her own unhappiness. Brianna might be able to shake off the shackles of the past in religion, but Grace could never do that. She needed to return to work, immerse herself in it. That was the only way she could survive, by prosecuting scum, because in some cathartic way, every case she took, she was prosecuting herself…

  "You're very quiet, Grace. What's up?" Daniel asked from behind.

  She shrugged. "Nothing, just enjoying the view."

  Chapter 19

  After hiking for an hour, Ryan stopped on a grassy knoll, removed his back-pack, and turned around, pleased to see that everyone had kept up, even Grace. He looked at her with a heavy heart. She needed the freeing power of Jesus's love in her life just as much as these drug addicted kids did, she just didn't know it. It didn't matter that she was a wealthy barrister, or gave the appearance of someone who had it all together, he'd seen through her facade the moment he'd laid eyes on her. Maybe it was his training, but he had a gift of knowing what made people tick, and Grace O'Connor had a ticking time bomb inside her. He sent up a quick prayer for her.

  Brayden stopped behind him. Ryan smiled at the troubled young man. "Keep up okay?" Brayden's face was still deathly pale and disengaged, but it was early days. Ryan was sure that the enthusiasm of the others would rub off on him in time, and that the Holy Spirit would touch the young man's heart, softening it, drawing him slowly but surely to the Healer of broken lives.

  Every night the staff prayed for the students, and the guests, like Grace. In the two years he'd been with the Elim Community, Ryan had witnessed miracle after miracle as God's healing touch changed the lives of those who came. Something wonderful happened when troubled youth distanced themselves from the hustle and bustle of city life and came face to face with the raw beauty of God's creation. He expected the same would happen for both Brayden and Grace, just like it already had for Brianna.

  Brayden shrugged, barely giving a grunt.

  Squeezing the young man's shoulder, Ryan gave him an encouraging smile. He was going to be hard work, but God was able to break through his barriers, it might just take time.

  Everyone else stopped and took out a snack—oatcakes made by the students, and water. Ryan had several flasks of coffee, and after offering some to the students, held out a mug to Grace. "Like some?"

  "Thought you'd never ask." She let out a small chuckle as she took the mug. Throwing her pack onto the ground, she lowered herself gracefully onto a rock, stretching her long, slender legs in front of her, and took a sip.

  "Mind if I join you?"

  She looked up, her hazel eyes travelling lazily up his body. "Please do."

  He ignored her play-acting and sat on the ground beside her. "So, Grace O'Connor, what do you think of the Highlands so far?"

  Tilting her head, she met his gaze and took her time in answering. "They have their good points."

  He chuckled. "They certainly do." He held out a container full of oatcakes. "Like one?"

  She shook her head. "No thanks."

  "Come on Grace, you're not watching your weight, are you? And besides, your sister made them."

  Grace grunted, and reaching out, picked out one of the cookies. "I don't normally snack."

  "Too busy, huh?"

  Grace shrugged. "Something like that."

  "Well, if you stay out here long enough, you'll not only develop a good appetite, but you'll feel better. Maybe you need to slow down a little."

  "I'm perfectly fine, thank you."

  He studied her before speaking. She was a beautiful woman, there was no doubt about it. Her rich auburn hair lay thick on her shoulders, and although her profile was strong and determined, underneath that facade lay a soft heart, of that he was sure, otherwise, why would she have brought her sister here? "Are you really fine, Grace?"

  She took another sip of her coffee and lifted her chin. "Yes." Her eyes flickered as she dug her heel into the ground.

  He gave her a warm smile. "If you ever want to talk, I'm a good listener."

  Grace angled her head. "And what about you, Ryan MacGregor? Are you fine? What are you really doing here?" She raised her brow, an amused look on her face. "Hiding from something? Or someone?"

  Ryan laughed. "I can see why you're good in the courtroom." He held her gaze as his expression sobered. "I'm here because I want to be." He drew a breath and released it slowly. "I love these kids, and I want to help them." Her gaze didn't waver… she was assessing him, just as she'd assess a witness in one of her high-profile cases. He had nothing to hide. Not any longer, anyway. His past was just that—his past. God had cleansed him and forgiven him, praise the Lord.

  Grace's eyes narrowed. "That's a very glib answer."

  "It may be, but it's true. I love it here. It's peaceful and it's rewarding. And I'm not hiding from anyone or anything."

  "Everyone has something in their past, Ryan, including you."

  "Perhaps, but when you have God in your life, He gives you a clean start, and your past can be left where it belongs… in the past."

  She went silent.

  Something had happened to Grace, and it still haunted her. He'd say an extra prayer for her tonight. "Well, it's time we made a move." He jumped up and held his hand out. The touch of her skin triggered an unexpected response, one he hadn't felt for a long time. Her hand remained in his a moment longer than necessary. She was still flirting with him, but this time he looked at her with fresh eyes. He could easily fall for her… but not until God did a work in her heart.

  Grace walked beside Ryan until they stopped for lunch. She was tempted to quiz him, to ply him with questions about his past, but refrained. Instead, she quizzed him about the highlands and about the countryside they were walking through, anything that wasn't personal or about God.

  "We're all going to the Highland Games on Saturday. Will you still be here then?" Ryan asked as they walked along the grassy trail with plenty of room for two high above Loch Linnhe. The mist had lifted com
pletely, and the loch shimmered in the bright sunshine.

  "I was thinking I'd go home since Brianna seems settled."

  "Why don't you stay, Grace? At least until after the weekend. You can't come to Scotland and not go to a Highland Games."

  "That's what Lizzy said." Grace shrugged. "I'll give it some thought."

  "You'd enjoy it. It's a really fun day, and there's a Ceilidh in the evening… you can't miss that."

  "I can't dance, Ryan." She chuckled at the very thought of doing a Highland Fling.

  "I can teach you."

  Grace turned and looked at him. If things were different, she could easily fall for this man. His easy, relaxed manner was so refreshing, but nothing had changed in her life, and all she could offer him would be a few fun times together and then she'd have to walk away. But maybe she could go to a Ceilidh with him… and then afterwards…. who knew what might eventuate?

  "You're very convincing. Okay, I'll stay."

  His face broke into a wide, open smile, lighting up his eyes that were as blue as the loch below them.

  When Grace returned to the cottage later that afternoon, Lizzy and the children were sitting on a blanket out on the grass having a picnic. Lizzy waved her over. "Come and join us, Grace."

  Dillon's face lit up. He jumped up and ran towards Grace, throwing his arms around her waist. "I missed you, Auntie Grace."

  Grace couldn't help herself, and a laugh bubbled up from deep within. Dillon's infectious enthusiasm warmed her heart. It really was nice being wanted, even if it was only by a child. "And I missed you, too, Dillon." She bent down and gave him a hug before he grabbed her hand and led her to the rug.

  "Sit down, Auntie Grace, and have a gingerbread man. I helped Mummy make them."

  Grace caught Lizzy's amused look and grinned. "They look lovely, Dillon, but I don't know if I could fit one in."

  The expression on his little face fell.