Patch Up

by Stephanie Witter

  “Just so you know, Duke, one day you’ll run away,” I tell him, my face serious, my body tense and my arms tight around myself.

  He takes a step closer to me, too close. I can’t breathe. I shake. One step away. It’s better, but I don’t like the look on his face. I’m pretty sure he’ll soon understand or guess what happened. Then, he’ll run away disgusted or I’ll be the one running away, too ashamed.

  “I’m not one to ignore a challenge,” he replies loud enough for me to hear him over the music, his eyes pinning me against the wall, unable to move, making the other people around us disappear. It’s not attraction, nor is it me falling at his feet. It’s the fear of the consequences this guy will have on my life.

  “Hey, man,” interrupts a voice I know all too well, bursting the intense bubble we were trapped in. He’s slurring. A shiver runs down my spine. Suddenly, I feel so cold that even my bones seem to be frozen.

  I know the V of my sweater is not low, and that it is too large to show the thin curves of my body, but I feel exposed and dirty. It’s worse when his baby blue eyes travel up and down my body with a mixture of disgust and wicked amusement on his face. His thin lips lift up into a smile that is more menacing than cheerful. I know this expression well.

  Duke’s gaze goes between Sean and me, his frown deepening. Does Duke know Sean? Are they friends? Does Duke know Sean is my ex-boyfriend? What should I do? Where can I go? I don’t want to face Sean. I can’t. God, I think I’m going to puke.

  “Hey,” Duke replies with a nod, keeping me in his sight but now facing Sean. “You are?”

  I exhale with relief. Duke doesn’t know Sean. Good. Sean’s eyes go back to me and he laughs. I mean, it’s not a cute laugh, but a mocking one that makes me want to disappear, to just hide in my room and block out all the memories that are coming back, almost knocking me down. I can still feel the ghost of pain my body had to endure.

  “I’m Sean. Skye’s one and only ex.” Sean takes a sip from his cup which I’m pretty sure is something stronger than beer. “Do you want some advice from someone who knows her inside and out?” He waves his hand at me. Duke doesn’t say a word, but his hands close in tight fists. “Don’t waste your time on Skye. She’s not worth it, she’ll only disappoint you.”

  I should want to run away, or cry or yell at him, but I’ve disconnected. Again! Every time Sean hurts me, I shut down. I hear what’s going on around me, but I can’t even react. I’m protecting myself the only way I know how. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m not shaking from head to toe or that I’m not aware of Duke’s fists clenching so tight that his knuckles turn white.

  “So tell me, Sean,” Duke sneers in his face, his eyes blazing with disgust, ‘‘why are you trying to drive me away from her?’’ He’s talking slowly, like he wants each of his words to sink into Sean’s head, or maybe it’s a guy thing.

  “Pity, man,” he says after he takes another sip of his drink. His thick neck has tensed. I know this sign. Next, the muscle in his jaw is going to contract. “Pity for the next guy to try her.”

  My eyes are finally watering and I gulp loudly, loudly enough for them both to look at me. Sean’s smiling devilishly at me before he chuckles. Duke holds up a hand to squeeze my shoulder but I jump away, making myself almost tiny against the wall to escape his touch. I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want to feel anybody touching me.

  My eyes stay focused on Sean. I can’t look away, it wouldn’t be safe. He nods once at me and his eyes sparkle with amusement and something like satisfaction of the power he still has over me. He’s delighted to see me so fucked up.

  “Maybe it was you. Maybe you were the one unable to live up to her expectations.” Duke’s voice breaks the silence between us, catching Sean’s attention back to him, making the little muscle in his jaw jump. He’s not happy and it’s not going to be good.

  Duke is taller and seems to be broader, but I know what Sean is capable of. I know him. I have to do something, but I can’t even mutter a word. My jaw is too tightly clenched and I can’t relax it.

  “Whatever, man. Waste your time if you want,” Sean replies after a long pause during which he took his time assessing his opponent. His baby blue eyes, so cold and menacing, go back to me and I cringe. “Until the next time, Skye.”

  I shake violently at his voice and what went unsaid. It’s not over. It’s never going to be over. I won’t be able to just ignore him. A tear falls and runs down my cheek before I can wipe it away. I can’t lose it here. I have to go back to my room, but it’s too far for me to walk back, and I don’t want Kate to see me like this.

  “Come with me,” Duke says, waving for me to follow him. I don’t move and shake my head. “You need to get some fresh air. You’re very pale, Skye.”

  I nod and follow him, overly cautious not to brush against anybody around me. We quickly step outside onto the wraparound porch where several couples look lost in their own world with what would be best kept behind closed doors.

  Duke walks some more and I follow him while putting my leather jacket back on. He finally stops next to an old, black SUV. He opens the driver’s door and climbs inside. From outside, I see him clenching his hands around the steering wheel; his strong, masculine knuckles turning white. He puts his forehead on the steering wheel and closes his eyes.

  Taking a deep breath to get back some self-control, I open the passenger door and jump in. I cough once at the smell of stale tobacco in the car. The ashtray is full, almost overflowing onto the floor where two empty cans of Coke are at my feet. I push them away and put my head against the head rest, closing my eyes a second, dreading the difficult conversation that’s bound to be coming. I don’t know what to say or how to explain what just happened and how I reacted. What half-truth would work at this point?

  “For the first time in my life I wanted to punch someone,” Duke says, releasing the tight hold of the steering wheel but keeping his forehead on it. “That guy really is an asshole.”

  Now, not only do I feel ashamed of my reaction to Sean, but I also feel ashamed to have him as my ex. It’s the first time ever that I feel ashamed that I had a relationship with him. I wonder what Duke will think when he knows that I spent three years of my life with Sean.

  Last week I ruined Kate’s night because of Sean and now it’s Duke’s turn. When will Sean leave me alone? Before, he acted as if he didn’t know me at all. Now, all of a sudden, he’s always coming back to me, almost assaulting me.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper weakly, my voice wobbly. Get a grip, Skye!

  He sits up and stares at me, his eyebrows disappearing behind his thick dark hair that is falling in his eyes. “It’s not your fault,” he states in a murmur, matching my tone, but these four little words are laced with worry. The puzzle is less mysterious all of a sudden, I’m sure.

  “I didn’t know he would be here, or else ...”

  “Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have come. It’s not because your ex is at a party that you can’t come.”

  I nod and look away from his face, which shows nothing beside curiosity now that he sees I’m not about to fall down and cry like a baby. I’m stronger than that, or at least, I’m used to hiding my feelings. Most of the time.

  “I know, but ... It’s not that simple.”

  “Because you’re not over him?”

  I turn back to him. He leans his left side against the door, his head in his left hand while his elbow is supporting it. His calm and patience is weirding me out. As is his question.

  “In a way.”

  “Don’t be cryptic, Skye. It’s a yes or a no.” He sighs and turns on the radio to a rock station, the same one Kate and I listen to in our room.

  “Because you’re an expert in relationships? So tell me, where’s your girlfriend?” I retort coldly, my hand creeping to the door handle, ready to fly away and not fight against him. Even if he’s annoying me, he didn’t do anything wrong.

  His demeanor changes completely. I mean, my
tone was harsh, but I don’t see why he should be all tense, his eyes burning a hole in my face. Maybe it’s because some girl broke his heart and he became some kind of a player since then.

  He releases a breath and shakes his head, his gaze never leaving mine. “She’s around here. Not far from here,” he replies somberly through gritted teeth.

  A chill runs down my spine. I don’t like this intensity, like he’s ready to tear my head off. “So why is she not here tonight?”

  To say that I’m surprised to know that he’s in a committed relationship is an understatement. Suddenly, the calm inside the car is too much for me. I reach for the door handle, but Duke’s voice stops me just before I open the door.

  “When you’re buried at Lake View Cemetery, it’s quite difficult to come back.”

  I turn around abruptly, my eyes finding his dark eyes raw with emotion that makes me almost choke out a sob. His girlfriend is dead? Is this the thing that broke him? Oh God. My stomach does a somersault and I feel dizzy all of a sudden. I bring a hand to my heart, feeling it beating so strong under my skin.

  “I shouldn’t have said anything,” I say in a whisper, lowering my eyes down to the two cans of Coke at my feet.

  I can’t look at him. I can’t face the hurt visible on his face. I’m breathing louder than I should and I’m ashamed of my reaction. Who, in their right mind, would react so strongly at such news? I mean, it is awful, but I shouldn’t be about to break down just at the idea of someone hurting so much, so much like I’m hurting even if the reason is vastly different.

  “It’s okay. You didn’t know,” he replies tersely, fidgeting in his seat, his hand tight around the steering wheel.

  I clear my throat, ready to say something, anything to diffuse the mood, but nothing comes to mind. I’m not used to being the one to distract someone else from their pain. I’m used to being the one in pain, burying it from others.

  Suddenly, I want to do something I never do anymore. I want to touch him, to put my hand on his arm and just show him that I understand his pain even if mine comes from something else. Because in the end, being hurt feels the same.

  Slowly, almost reluctantly, I bring my shaky hand to his strong arm where the muscles under his sweater are flexing with tension. With a feather-like touch, I feel his muscles tense even more, feeling the smooth fabric of his sweater. I swallow loudly, trying to overcome the fear almost taking me down.

  The last person with whom I initiated physical contact is Sean. It’s been months since the last time I was the first one to touch another person. Even at my parents’ I wasn’t the one going to them.

  My eyes fill with tears and I don’t know what to do. I’m more lost than ever and it’s more frightening than those moments spent alone with a moody Sean. I begin to pull away, but Duke’s hand covers mine suddenly. The slim silver ring on his index finger catches the light. I gulp.

  “It’s still hard to talk about it,” he says softly, his voice shaking from emotion. He squeezes my hand and for once, it’s not frightening me.

  “So don’t talk about it,” I whisper back, unable to talk aloud.

  He looks at me intently, the frown on his face making me almost forget what he looks like when he’s smiling his dazzling smile. “But talking about what is painful helps it to get better.”

  I pull away, escaping the heat of his strong hand that was swallowing mine under his. “Not always.”

  He cocks his head, the thing he does whenever he’s about to annoy me with his point of view about me and my way of dealing with things. Seriously, when I see him cock his head I just want to slap him or run away. Running away is more my thing, though.

  “Because saying nothing works great for you, right?”

  I snort and cross my arms over my chest. He’s infuriating with his condescending tone and his know-it-all way when in fact he’s no better than I am.

  “Don’t pretend to know me. Don’t pretend to know what I’m dealing with, Duke!” I shake my head and grab the door handle, ready to bolt. “If it’s your way of being friends with me, then I think I’m better off without you in my life.”

  “Wait!” he shouts, stopping me suddenly with the force of his deep voice in the calm of his car where only the radio is barely audible. “I’m an ass. Sorry, Skye.” He tugs on one lock of his raven hair and takes a deep breath. “Whenever I talk about her, I become an ass.”

  And once again I don’t know what to say or do. When he says something like that, sounding so vulnerable, I can’t find it in me to just bolt. It’s more than curiosity. It has everything to do with the hole I feel in my chest, the hole I know is the same in Duke’s chest.

  “So what? You want to stay in the car until I tell you everything?” I can’t look at him. Instead, my eyes are focused on the house with all the lights on and people enjoying their night inside.

  “I understand that you don’t want to talk about it, and I respect that, but I need to know something,” he replies resolutely. Slowly, he brings one of his hands to my arm. I don’t move, but my breathing staggers soundly, even if I know he’s not going to hurt me. I’m safe in this car. My body should know it, too. “Is it something your ex-boyfriend did to you?”

  I stiffen. Just this simple reaction answers his question. I hear him gulp and his hand shakes for a second on my arm. I close my eyes and nod. “Yes,” I whisper weakly, letting a tear fall onto my cheek. For the first time, someone pinpoints the source of my problems and I acknowledge it. I exhale and dry my face angrily.

  “It’s the first step, Skye.” He strokes my arm twice and pulls away. “It’s the first step for both of us, actually. I don’t like to talk about my past either. One day you’re going to trust me and you’ll open up.”

  I brace myself and turn toward him. The look on his face doesn’t show pity or disgust like I thought I would see, but protectiveness and sadness. My heart beats faster. “I can’t, Duke.”

  He nods and sighs before sharing a small smile that seems at odds on his hardened face. This night out is not at all like I thought it would be. I wasn’t expecting it to be fun, but I thought it would be lighter, something more along the lines of me pushing away Duke’s friendship and not me being emotional all over him.

  “It’s funny; you don’t think you’re strong enough to face everything when the truth is you are.”

  “I’m a coward, Duke. That’s the truth.”

  He sighs and brings the car to life, startling me. “Let me take you back to your dorm. I’m not in the mood to party.”

  I buckle up my belt and snuggle in to my seat. “I told you, I’m not a party girl.”

  He just laughs, turns up the radio, and heads toward the campus. I take my phone from my pants pocket and send a quick text to Kate to let her know where I am. Weird night, really. And emotionally draining, too.

  Chapter Four

  You’re going back home with him?

  I roll my eyes after reading Kate’s text. At least her wishful thinking and weird enthusiasm is distracting me from the heavy tension in the car. I’m not the kind of girl who always needs to talk or who can’t stand a little silence, but right now it’s driving me crazy and not in a good way.

  It’s not what you think. Sean is at the party.

  I hit send and sigh, not bothering to read her reply as my phone blips in my jacket pocket. I know I’ll have to talk to her about what has happened since she’s my roommate and she’s determined to be my friend, but I don’t want to do this by text when I’ve got a guy next to me still in pain and so angry.

  “Do you think your roommate will need a ride home?” he asks me, breaking the silence.

  I fidget in my seat and glance quickly at his profile. His jaw is still clenched. “She never drinks.”

  Talk about awkward. I’d love to have a time traveling machine just to go back a couple of hours and avoid this damn party and Sean, and the talk I had with Duke. He wasn’t ready to talk about his dead girlfriend and I’m not ready to hear about it
or to tell him that I’m fucked up because of Sean. But it’s too late now, I guess.

  “Good.” He nods and stops the car, making me realize that we’ve reached my dorm building already. I zoned out there for a moment.

  “Thanks for the ride.” I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door. I’m not sure I want to see his face, nor do I want to show mine; I’m sure it’s too pale and looks haunted. I need to compose myself, put my calm mask back on. After all, it won’t be that difficult since the worst is over.

  As I step toward the building, I hear his door open and close and his footsteps closing the space between us. I stiffen, my hands shaking around my keys. What now? If he thinks I’m going to spill everything just like that, he’s fooling himself. Anger is slowly chasing away the hollowness left in the wake of the pain.

  “Skye, wait a minute please.” His pleading tone stops me. I turn around and glance up, locking my eyes with his.