Patch Up

by Stephanie Witter

  He’s not angry now; he looks lost, maybe even afraid. I don’t really know. I push away some of my frizzy hair and suppress a shiver. The night is freezing. “I think we talked enough for now,” I say in a weak voice that I hate with all my soul. Why do I allow myself to be so weak in front of him? Why do I let him see me like this when I have vowed to myself to never ever show any weakness in front of anyone?

  “You’re right, but I don’t want to talk.”

  I take in his tall, muscular frame, his intense gaze, and his handsome face with well-defined lips and neatly trimmed black goatee, and I shake my head vehemently. All the air in my lungs leaves me. “I won’t sleep with you.”

  He laughs, startling me so much that I almost whimper. He closes his eyes and brings both hands in his hair, tugging on several locks before taking a couple of steps closer to me. “That’s far from what’s on my mind, don’t worry.”

  I relax and blush. At least, I think I blush if the heat in my cheeks and the amusement sparkling in his dark eyes is anything to go by. “So what do you want?”

  A couple of girls sway past us and walk into the building, giggling and making some crude comments about Duke’s hotness. If they think they’re discreet, they should think again. I cringe and want to disappear. It may sound crazy, but whenever I see something like that, it depresses me. I’ll never be that kind of girl, just having harmless and casual fun with friends because for that, I’d have to let my guard down and I don’t see that day coming any time soon.

  “I don’t want to be alone,” he replies in a whisper once the girls are out of earshot. The sorrow in his voice is back. The amusement has vanished, letting me see a glimpse of the broken man he is.

  I take a look at the building where several windows are alight. Most of the residents are out partying or just chilling out with friends and family. “No talking,” I say and gesture for him to follow me.

  He is hot on my heels, as we climb two flights of stairs, and let ourselves into the narrow room I share with Kate. When he’s in this room it feels even smaller, like he’s using too much space. My bed’s comforter is wrinkled, my Psychology textbook is still open on the chapter I read for the next class, and my laptop is on my bare desk.

  For the first time I realize how weird it is to not have a single thing that is not school related on my side of the room and I’m ashamed to see it from Duke’s point of view. It’s cold, just like I want everybody to see me.

  I look back at him to gauge what he’s thinking. Granted, he’s already seen my room, but he didn’t stay long then. Right now it’s just us with plenty of time alone, and our emotions are all over the place after our half confessions from earlier.

  His leather jacket is draped over his left forearm where he has rolled up his sweater’s sleeves, displaying his tattoos that, if I’m being honest, are quite awesome to look at. His face is slowly relaxing even if his eyes say something else entirely.

  I put my jacket in my wardrobe and wave him to do the same if he wants to. He does, which brings us face to face, not saying a word and not looking anywhere but at each other. I sigh, feeling stupid to just stay like that in front of him. I don’t even know what he wants to do besides not sleeping with me. I bite on my lower lip, weirded out by my thoughts. I’m almost ... disappointed.

  “I’m tired, Duke.” I break the silence with a bored voice that doesn’t reflect my inner turmoil at all, but it’s not a lie either. I’m tired from this roller-coaster of a night that I want to put an end to.

  “Me too.” He closes his eyes and opens them fast. He seems to convince himself to say something else. “Do you trust me?”

  I turn away from him and grab something from my desk to put my hair in a messy bun. I must look awful with my frizzy and untamed hair; I didn’t even brush it after being outside in the breeze, but I don’t care. It’s just Duke, a guy who claims he doesn’t want to sleep with me but instead wants to play the shrink with me. I’m stalling. I should answer or say something, but what? My heart beats faster and louder, making my ears throb.

  “I don’t know,” I mutter lamely, staring at the ground.

  For anybody, it’s awful to say something like that to a guy that is sweet and caring from day one, but for me it’s already a huge step. A week ago I trusted nobody besides my parents. Nobody.

  “What if we try something to see if you trust me?”

  “What does it have to do with us being tired?”

  “You’ll see.”

  I chew on my lower lip, looking up at his face. He’s frowning. “But for that I already have to trust you since you’re not telling me about your experiment.”

  He smiles with amusement, but the seriousness doesn’t leave his expressive eyes. “Lie with me on your bed.”

  I stiffen and take hold of the edge of my desk. Just thinking of him on my bed is making me dizzy. I can’t. I can’t be in a bed with him, so close, I can’t let myself fall asleep and be vulnerable.

  “And do what?” I say coldly, shutting down once again.

  His demeanor shifts, too. His body stiffens and he clenches his fists. I know he’s not angry, just bothered by my reaction. Or maybe he’s nervous. “Sleep.” He fishes out a lighter from his jeans’ pocket and plays with it, his long and strong looking fingers swallowing the little thing in them. “Look, I don’t want to go back to my place and be alone. I don’t feel that good after ... you know? I’m sure you’re not feeling that well either, so why can’t we just be together and sleep?”

  “Because I can’t fall asleep with you in my bed, Duke!” I yell suddenly, tears falling down and disappearing on my sweater after trailing down my exposed neck. I’m breaking down. It’s sudden, it’s devastating, and someone is there to witness it. A sob shakes me from head to toe.

  His eyes widen, letting me know how confused and lost he is. He doesn’t know what to do or say and I don’t either. I put my hands to my face, hiding behind them. My thin fingers tighten on my hairline, almost painfully so. I bite my tongue so as not to make any sound. The pain in my heart is tearing me apart, pulling me down.

  “Skye, listen to me,” he says softly, trying to soothe me with his deep voice, but failing when a new sob shakes me again. God, I can’t take this anymore. I just want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. “I’m going to hug you and you’re going to try to relax.”

  I shake my head no, pulling my hands away and letting him see my flushed face so damp from all the tears that I can’t stop. His jaw tenses but he doesn’t step away. No, instead he walks to me and very slowly pulls me against his chest, my head resting where his heart is beating loudly and too fast. His hands are lightly touching my back, making small circles to try and soothe me.

  I’m so tense that all my muscles are hurting me, but my tears stop abruptly, letting me gasp for air. His hard body feels foreign against mine. He hugs me in a way that makes me feel like he’s about to swallow me whole. And here I am, bawling like a baby, feeling a mixture of fear but also security. I have my answer, right now.

  “I trust you,” I stutter weakly. I can’t bring myself to hug him back, even if, somewhere deep inside of me, I want to.

  He sighs and I hear his heart slowing down, returning to his steady and calm beating. He squeezes me and pulls away, bringing back the coldness I live with every day. I shiver. Quickly, I dry my face with my shaking hands and walk to my bed. I lay down facing the wall and leave some space for him to climb in. I don’t think anymore. I keep in mind how secure I just felt in his arms.

  Slowly, almost waiting for me to change my mind, he lies beside me, his chest touching my back, his thighs touching the back of my legs. Then, he sighs and puts one of his long, muscled arms around my waist, his hand clasping both of mine. He’s spooning me in my bed and my heart and stomach are doing weird things. But I don’t feel as afraid as I should. Granted, a huge part of me wants to bolt, but everything feels different. I know he’s not going to hurt me, and not eve
ryone is like Sean. I know that for now I can have confidence in Duke because he’s too shaken by his confession about his girlfriend to think about anything else and that’s why I push away my fear and force my body to relax.

  “Thank you for this, Skye. I know it’s hard for you,” he whispers in my ear, his breath making the skin on my neck tingle. I’m itching to let my hair fall free to cover my skin, but I can’t move. Well, I don’t really want to because I know I won’t be able to go back to my bed with him like that.

  “Tell me the truth, Duke. You know what happened to me, right?”

  I have no more tears left. It’s useless to cry, it’s useless to have any pretenses now. There are too many giveaways of what happened with Sean for Duke to ignore. He’s a smart guy. I can fool other people, even the closest ones to me, but I can’t fool him.

  “I’m guessing, but I want to hear it from you.” He tightens his hold on me but it’s not suffocating me, it’s soothing me. My world is upside down. I can’t say that I like him touching me, but I can tolerate it.

  “So why are you still here with me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  I swallow and shrug, feeling my back rubbing against his hard chest. “You should be disgusted or something like that.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” When I don’t say a word, he sighs. “Women often think it’s their fault if their boyfriend or husband beat them, but it’s not. Sean is a creep and he’s the only one at fault. Not you.”

  And just like that, in a few words, it’s in the open. Sean beat me. He beat me for three years and I said and did nothing to stop it. I shut my mouth, sucked it up, and went on with what I had to deal with in my life. All of this in the name of love. I was so stupid. I am so stupid.

  “Somehow I know this, but I did nothing, Duke. Nothing.”

  “Hell, Skye, you’re young. Of course you didn’t know how to deal with it.” His thumb makes little circles on my hand. I stiffen and he stops, not moving away. “I won’t let him get close to you.”

  “You don’t have to do this, Duke. Now that you know you can go back to your life.”

  It’s true after all. He knows why I’m the way I am and that’s the only reason he came to me in the first place.

  “I can’t.”

  “Of course you can.”

  “No. I want to hear from you how it began. I want to see a real smile on your face and not a fake one. I want to help you because I want to be your friend and because it helps me, too.”

  I pull one of my hands away and I feel his body tensing. I’m sure he thinks I’m about to bolt, but it’s not at all what’s on my mind. Instead, I put my hand over his. I don’t squeeze or caress it. I lay my hand on his hand, not moving.

  “I don’t know how you do this. Laying your feelings out like that.”

  He laughs somberly and I feel his head shake lightly behind me, his breathing making a hot trail on the back of my neck. My heart misses a beat.

  “Don’t let it fool you, because I’m not really that talkative about myself.”

  “Will you be with me?”

  “Maybe, if you are, too.”

  “I can’t promise anything. I’m too afraid.”

  “I know, I’m afraid, too.” He kisses my hair and squeezes my hand. “Sleep now. Let’s see where we go from here.”

  I nod and close my eyes, forcing myself to remember that Duke is not Sean and that I can fall asleep with my back to him, that I don’t have to expect to be woken with a punch in my arm or stomach, that I won’t receive any physical pain or hear any harsh words about what a useless bitch I am. I can just fall asleep with Duke’s heat chasing away the coldness in my body.

  * * *

  Something’s missing. That’s the first thing that pops in my mind. I shiver. Behind my closed eyelids, the sun is blasting. It feels late. I groan. I hate it when it’s so hard to wake up. I shiver again and I gasp. Now I know what is missing, or who would be more accurate.

  I roll over in my tiny bed and sigh. Duke left. Without saying anything, without checking if I’m okay. He just left and now I want to slap myself. Of course he left. After all, now he knows about Sean and me. A lonely tear falls, but I dry my cheek quickly. I won’t cry again. I cried too much already.

  With jerky movements I let my hair fall and stand up. It’s time to go back to my routine and forget about Duke. I knew it was a mistake from day one, and yet I let him into my life when I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t. I let him sleep in my bed. The only other guy who has slept in the same bed as me is Sean. A knot forms in my throat. I take my Psychology textbook and put it on my desk, and freeze.

  There on my laptop is a slip of paper turned down. I take a look at Kate’s bed, but she obviously stayed out with some guy from the party. I swallow and pick up the paper as if it might bite me or something.

  Skye,

  It’s five in the morning and I need to go. I didn’t want to wake you up and I suppose it’s easier to write a little note instead of facing each other not knowing what to say.

  The thing is, I’m confused. Talking about my past was hard for me, harder than I thought it would be.

  I think I need a little time.

  Take care,

  Duke.

  I crush the little piece of paper in my hand and throw it in the trashcan. Is it weird to feel used? Because that’s how I feel right now. The first person I’ve ever told what happened with Sean and here I am, alone and bitter. What a poor excuse of a guy. I won’t spend a second more on this, on him. I don’t ever want to see him again. Except I will in my class, that is.

  * * *

  It’s Monday, it’s time to go to my Psychology class, and yet I’m still in my dorm, and Kate is looking at me funny. To tell the truth, I understand why. I’m pacing between the door and my bed—which is a short distance—and it’s been like that for the last fifteen minutes. My leather jacket is on my back, my backpack is on my shoulder, my scarf wrapped around my neck and yet I can’t bring myself to leave this claustrophobic room.

  “Can I ask you what’s going on? You’ve been weird all weekend,” Kate says, her amusement not that well hidden.

  “Nothing. I’m always weird.” Understatement of the year. If it’s possible, even more than before. I can’t stand to be touched. A guy from next door came by yesterday to ask for some aspirin and when I gave him one, his fingers brushed mine, I jerked away with my eyes filling up. I knew talking about Sean would make everything worse. I knew it. My frown deepens.

  “Is it about Duke? You didn’t tell me what happened with Sean being at the party and all.”

  I readjust my scarf and suddenly I’m ready to run to my class. Just mentioning Sean makes me feel weak and helpless, even more now that I know it’s not over. And this time I won’t have Duke with me to help me. I don’t need him, damn it! I’m a grown up, I can take care of myself now.

  “Nothing special happened and I don’t want to talk about Duke. I need to go to class.” I take the last two steps to our door and open it.

  “Did Duke tell you something or do something to you?” Kate says, walking to me and putting a hand on my shoulder, forcing me to stay inside.

  I don’t jerk away from her. She’s genuinely concerned and I know she’s not mean or anything. In fact, despite her odd behavior with guys, she’s really a nice girl who’s growing on me.

  “No, it’s not that.” I look back at my bed and sigh. Since I slept in his arms, my bed feels odd to me. It’s hard for me to fall asleep and I’m bone tired. I’m sure I could just fall asleep anywhere.

  “You need to tell me something because I’m really worried.”

  I snap my attention back to her and force a smile on my face. It’s funny to see this petite, feminine girl all tensed and ready to pounce on a big and strong guy like Duke if needed.

  “He’s just confusing.” I can’t really tell her what we talked about or why he pursued me in the first place. To her, he’s interested in me in a romantic way wh
ich is completely off. “After Sean was mean to me at the party we talked and he spent the night in my bed.”

  “You slept with him!” she squeals so loudly that I cringe and glance in the hall, expecting someone to hear her, but apparently not.

  “We slept together, but I didn’t have sex with him, Kate,” I reply exasperated. This girl always thinks about sex.

  She frowns, deflated. I can’t imagine having sex with anybody and really, I’m not eager to have sex again. I don’t have needs it seems, but Kate is apparently more excited about a possible sex life for me than I should be for myself. It’s too weird and confusing. I shiver. Just thinking of letting a guy touch me like that makes me almost hyperventilate. I take a deep breath to relax.

  “Okay,” she says slowly, separating the word in to two long syllables. “Is that what’s bothering you?”