Sexual Healing

by Barbara Keesling

  Let’s talk a bit more about the guideline to direct all of your attention to the spot where skin touches skin. This is the essence of the sensate-focus process. Throughout all of the exercises in this book, you are to focus your awareness as closely as you can on your own sensations. Always focus all of your attention on your skin where it comes into contact with your partner’s skin. If your mind wanders off to something else at any point during any exercise, consciously bring it back to the point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin.

  When you first begin doing sensate-focus exercises, you may feel that you are focusing on the sensations in your skin only part of the time—perhaps half the time or even less. It is normal to become distracted now and then. Simply recognize that your mind is suddenly elsewhere and bring it back to the place where your skin makes contact with your partner’s skin. If you do an exercise and find that you were not really able to focus on the touch, repeat the exercise at a later time until you are able to focus on the touch at least 50 percent of the time.

  Suppose you are a man whose face is being caressed. Your partner is caressing your face in a way that feels good for her. She is not taking into account what you like or what might feel best to you. Suppose she caresses your whole face once or twice and then lingers on your forehead for what you perceive to be a long time. If you have thoughts such as, “I wish she’d go back to my chin,” or, “I wish she would hurry up and touch my ear—that would really turn me on,” or even, “When are we going to have sex?” then you are failing to concentrate fully on your experience of the present moment. Once you realize this is happening, you must consciously will your attention back to the point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin. This is what we call staying in the here and now. Dwelling on thoughts about sexual problems you had in the past will distract and depress you. Speculating about what will happen in the future (even a few seconds into the future) will make you anxious. Stay in the here and now!

  Let’s say that you are caressing or being caressed and you are thinking, “This feels good, but it’s just not turning me on. Something must be wrong.” Relax. It’s not supposed to be turning you on. Sensate-focus touch is sensual rather than sexual. Men, you are not expected to get an erection during the sensate-focus exercises. Many men do not get an erection during a face caress, back caress, front caress, or even a genital caress. Women, you are not expected to experience vaginal lubrication during these caresses. If you do experience sexual arousal, that’s fine. You may notice a momentary twinge in the groin area, a feeling of wetness, or the presence of a half or full erection. Notice if that happens, but then return your attention to the area that your partner is touching or that you are touching on your partner. Do not focus on your genital area unless that is the area being touched.

  If you feel sexually aroused during any caress, do not try to make it “better” by squirming around or rubbing up against your partner. On the other hand, do not do anything to push your arousal away or to contain it. It is perfectly acceptable to feel sexually turned on during any of the exercises, but it is not necessary to be turned on in order to learn from the exercises.

  The Healing Mindset

  In addition to the physical exercises you and your partner will do, Sexual Healing encourages you to develop a healing mindset. This is the first step to being healed of sexual problems or becoming a sexual healer. In anything having to do with health, your expectations and intentions are crucial in determining whether healing will take place.

  Here are some thoughts about how to develop a healing mindset. Whenever you do a sensate-focus exercise, take care to gather your energies and attention into a positive, healthful frame of mind. Try to feel the many facets of a loving relationship—unconditional love, acceptance, unselfish goodwill, complete involvement, positive energy, and lack of pressure or goal orientation. Then, transmit these attitudes to your partner nonverbally through your touch.

  Don’t expect to be able to feel and convey all of these feelings right away. We are all on a journey toward this mindset. Try the best you can during any exercise to embody and convey the expectation that you and your partner will be healed. Over time, as you work with the exercises, you will find that your healing mindset is growing stronger and deeper.

  Now that you’ve been introduced to the “what” of sensate-focus exercises, the next chapter offers a few more concrete guidelines for “how” to do them.

  chapter 15

  How to Do Sensate-Focus Exercises

  In the previous chapter you read about characteristics of the sensate-focus touch. In addition to knowing how to touch, there are other philosophical and practical issues that you also need to know in order to do the exercises described in this book. The first issue is the importance of being able to trust your partner.

  Trust

  For people with long-standing sexual problems, sex can become something they avoid in thought and conversation as well as in behavior. People with sexual problems often find it difficult to trust a partner, especially if the sexual problem (such as vaginismus) originated in a trauma such as incest or rape by someone who was trusted. Often, a person who experienced a sexual trauma at an early age went on, naïvely, to attempt to deal with the problem by initiating sexual activity too soon or persisting in unhealthy sexual experiences that only increased their lack of trust.

  The sensate-focus exercises can help to build trust between partners, because each exercise has limits and ground rules to which both partners should adhere. For example, the face caress calls for touching only the region from the top of the head to the base of the neck. It is not uncommon in my experience for men to exceed the boundaries of this exercise by touching their partner’s breasts. When this happened in my practice as a surrogate partner, I asked the client to please stay within the bounds of the exercise. Why, you might ask? Obviously, I like to have my breasts touched as much as anyone else, so why not just let him do it? After all, it might give him an erection, which is where we’re heading in the long run.

  It is important to understand that staying within the limits of an exercise and holding your partner to those limits helps to develop an atmosphere of trust in which both partners know what to expect and know that the other is trying to help create a good experience. If my partner pushes the limits of an exercise, I know that he is not totally focused on the touch, and this also distracts me from being able to focus 100 percent on the touch.

  Say that a couple agrees to do a face caress for twenty minutes each. As the man is caressing the woman’s face, he moves his hand down to touch her breast and soon she reaches back to stroke his genitals, and before you know it, they are having intercourse. Going beyond the exercise in this way is not a major issue if both people are free of sexual problems and are using the sensate-focus exercises primarily to increase the pleasure in their sex lives. But here is what will happen for couples with sexual problems: They will not learn what the exercise is designed to teach them—that is, how to touch and be touched in a sensual manner. They will learn instead that every touch leads to sexual activity. This will reinforce the anxiety or performance orientation that caused their problems to start with.

  To get the most from the sensate-focus exercises, stay within the limits of the exercises. For the first few exercises (unless otherwise specified), do not go on to genital contact or sexual intercourse either during or after the exercise. You will only undo what you have learned in the exercise.

  Sex therapists differ about whether you should continue having intercourse or doing the other sexual activities you were used to doing while you go through a sex therapy program. Most sex therapists put a temporary ban on sexual intercourse for their clients during sex therapy until an exercise actually calls for it. I don’t, necessarily, depending on the nature of the problems. You will have to make your own decision. On the other hand, I do recommend that you avoid following a nonsexual exercise with sexual activity. Take a break first, or you will rein
force in your mind the idea that sensual touching is always followed by sexual activity.

  Use your feelings as a guide. If you feel any doubt about doing a sexual activity that you have not yet reached in the sensate-focus exercises, it is best to hold off. However, if both you and your partner feel totally comfortable with continuing to do sexual activities even without, for example, orgasms, go ahead.

  Whether you have intercourse during the sexual healing program will depend on the nature of your problems. Obviously, a man who cannot maintain an erection would not be able to have intercourse, but a man with inhibited ejaculation would. A woman with vaginismus would not be able to have sexual intercourse, but a woman with orgasm problems would.

  Finally, if you feel that you cannot stay within the limits of the exercises, you should not do them. To add more sexual contact than instructed during an exercise will do you and your partner more harm than good if you are trying to heal a sexual problem. Not only will you fail to benefit from the exercise; you will have taught your partner that you are untrustworthy, whereas if you adhere to the limits of an exercise, you will build trust. Building trust can help you rid yourself of a performance orientation toward sexual activity.

  Feedback after the Exercises

  Each sensate-focus exercise concludes with a feedback discussion, during which you should speak openly and honestly with your partner. Many couples with sexual problems have learned to be dishonest with each other about their sex lives. An example would be a woman who continually fakes orgasms. You may feel embarrassed to admit that you have lied to your partner or withheld the truth, perhaps for many years, but your joint decision to finally do something about your problems should give you the confidence to start responding to one another honestly.

  The exercises will not do you any good if you lie about your feelings. For example, please do not tell your partner you enjoyed an exercise if you really didn’t. Please do not tell your partner you were able to concentrate if you weren’t, just so you appear to be doing things correctly.

  Here are the questions you and your partner should ask yourselves and each other after each sensate-focus exercise:1. How comfortable was each partner with the active role? With the passive role? Were you able to remain completely passive while in the passive role? If you felt uncomfortable with either role in an exercise, you should repeat the exercise until that role becomes comfortable and natural for you.

  2. For how much of the time were each of you able to fully concentrate on sensations while you took the active role? Ideally, you should feel you are concentrating on the sensations of touch most of the time, but the actual amount of time you are focusing is not as important as learning to recognize when you are distracted and bringing your mind back to the touch. If you have trouble focusing in either role during an exercise, you need to practice that role in the exercise until you are able to concentrate more fully.In order to move on to the next exercise, I believe you should be able to concentrate on the touch at least 50 percent of the time in the previous exercise. To help yourself figure out if your concentration is improving from exercise to exercise, you could make yourself a chart of your progress in concentration. Think of your ability to concentrate on either a 1-to-10 scale or a percentage basis. For example, on the 1-to-10 scale, perfect concentration would be a 10, and concentrating about half the time would be a 5. Use a notebook and record the name of the exercise, the date and time you did it, and the degree of your ability to concentrate in both the active and passive roles.

  Some people raise objections at this point. “These exercises are too boring and repetitious. There’s no way I can focus on touching for twenty minutes.” What can I say? Learning a new behavior requires three things: actually doing the behavior, finding the behavior in some way rewarding, and repeating the behavior. If you feel bored, you are not focusing on the point of contact between your skin and your partner’s skin. The way to relieve your boredom is to consciously will yourself to pay attention to your practice of the exercises.

  It is natural for extraneous thoughts to intrude during a sensate-focus exercise. Out of nowhere you may start to think about your kids or your job. This type of distraction is different from boredom and is nothing to worry about. Simply catch yourself and bring your mind back to the touch. You will know that you were totally focused on the touch if after an exercise you feel that it was too short or that the time passed much more quickly than you expected.

  Christa Schulte, the author of Tantric Sex for Women, suggests a technique for getting rid of intrusive thoughts. She recommends visualizing a trash can and a deep freeze. When a thought pops into your head, decide whether it should be discarded as unhelpful or stored for later retrieval. For example, if it’s a performance-related thought, such as, “I wonder if I’m getting an erection,” it probably belongs in the trash. If so, visualize it going into the trash can, then return your focus to the touch. If it’s a thought about something that needs to be addressed later, such as a problem with your kids, visualize it going into the deep freeze, where it will be waiting for you to retrieve it later, after the sensual encounter, so you can deal with it then. Then, once again, return your awareness to the sensations.

  3. When you were active, how much of the time did you do the exercise for your own pleasure? How much of the time were you thinking about your partner or trying to please your partner? Did you worry about whether your passive partner was enjoying the caress, or did you wonder about what he or she was thinking about? If you really focus during the active role, thoughts about your partner should not enter your mind, other than thoughts about what your partner’s body feels like to you. An exception would be if you can see by outward physical signs that your passive partner is anxious and is not relaxing. You can also record what percentage of time you spent doing the exercise for your own pleasure versus the amount of time you spent worrying about your partner.

  4. When you were in the passive role, did the touch feel like a caress or like a massage? Did it feel mechanical at all? Did you feel pressured to respond? If the active partner’s touch is perceived by the passive partner as being rough, fast, or mechanical, the active partner may need to adjust his or her caressing technique.

  5. Did either partner experience sexual arousal during the exercise? If so, did you try to get rid of it, try to make it better, or just leave it alone? It will make it easier to talk about arousal levels if you use a 1-to-10 scale. Remember, there is never any pressure on you to reach a certain level of arousal during any exercise. But if you do feel arousal, it’s good to keep track of it so you learn which sensual and sexual activities you find more or less arousing.

  6. Did each partner follow the instructions for the exercise, or did one or both partners attempt to go beyond the limits? Did each person feel that the exercise was in general a positive experience? Was either partner working at it (that is, by trying to please, or trying to become aroused)?

  7. After each exercise, both partners should report on their anxiety level during the exercise, as well as on their perception of their partner’s anxiety level. Again, you can use a 1-to-10 scale, with 1 being no anxiety and 10 being extreme anxiety. Feedback about anxiety is especially important for people who are dealing with sexual aversion disorder, vaginismus, dyspareunia, or premature ejaculation.You should repeat an exercise if either partner experienced high anxiety that did not go away, if either partner felt unable to concentrate most of the time in either role, if either partner felt pressured to respond, or if either partner didn’t adhere to the limits of the exercise.

  A good way to give feedback is for each partner to keep a notebook record of his or her reactions to the exercises and then share the notebooks with each other. It’s also helpful to keep a journal while you are going through the sexual healing process in order to record your experiences and feelings.

  Setting a Schedule

  Improving your sex life, healing your sexual problems, enhancing your relationship, and overcoming sexual fea
rs all require a commitment of time. Some sex therapy programs ask both partners to make a contract to do certain exercises at certain times. You and your partner will decide how often you are able to do an exercise. If you tend to disagree about time management or have difficulty remembering schedules, a written agreement may help. It is my experience that it is better to do the exercises at prearranged times rather than to wait until you “feel like it.”

  I recommend setting a schedule at the beginning of each week and then sticking to it as much as possible. Some of the exercises that you do by yourself (like the PC muscle exercises and breathing exercises) should be done every day. Other than that, the ideal time frame for doing exercises with your partner would probably be two to three partner exercises a week. One exercise a day is too much. Your mind and your body need time to internalize changes. You should do at least one partner exercise a week in order to maintain continuity. In Chapters 23 through 31, which discuss healing specific sexual problems, I recommend exercises in a particular order.

  Most of the exercises take about an hour to an hour and a half and use the following format: You and your partner lie together and breathe for five minutes. Then one partner is active and does a focusing caress (a relaxing face or back caress) for five to ten minutes. Then you switch roles and the other partner does a focusing caress. Then you do the main exercise, usually for about twenty to thirty minutes. If the main exercise has both an active and passive role (some do not), lie together and breathe for five minutes between roles. Also, lie together and breathe for a few minutes at the end of an exercise.