Sexual Healing

by Barbara Keesling

  Multiple Problems

  What if both partners have a sexual problem or one of you has more than one problem? How do you know which exercises to do first? In general, I make the following recommendations.

  If you have more than one problem, do the exercises first for the problem that comes first in the sexual response cycle. For example, if you are a woman with both arousal and orgasm problems, do the exercises for the arousal problem before you do exercises for orgasm. If you have an anxiety problem as well as other sexual problems, deal with the anxiety first.

  The exception to this would be desire problems. If you have both desire problems and arousal problems, deal with the arousal problem first. The desire problem will most likely take care of itself once you are confident you can become aroused.

  If both a man and a woman are having problems, I generally recommend dealing with the man’s problem first, because a woman is more likely to become aroused and have an orgasm if her partner is functioning well. For example, if the man has premature ejaculation and the woman has problems with orgasms, it’s best if he learns at least some degree of ejaculatory control before she tries to solve her problems with orgasm.

  If both of you are having problems, another option is to alternate and do one exercise for the man’s problem and then one exercise for the woman’s problem. This way no one feels left out.

  If you are the fully functioning partner of someone with problems, there will still be plenty for you to do. The relaxation exercises, sexual fitness exercises, and self-touch exercises will all benefit you.

  I hope the suggestions I’ve made in this chapter encourage you to go on. Even if you and your partner both have problems or if you have more than one area of concern, the sensate-focus exercises are powerful and have the potential to positively affect your sex life. Although there are certain guidelines to follow, as outlined in this chapter, try to keep sight of the fact that the exercises will be relaxing and enjoyable.

  chapter 16

  Relaxation

  This is the first chapter that contains exercises. I purposely made it short to ease you into the sexual healing process. All of these exercises will help you relax, which will provide you with a first step toward a solution for the anxiety that is causing your sexual problems.

  The first three exercises are simple breathing exercises that you can do every day.

  Proper breathing is the basis of life—and of feeling alive. The oxygen we take in with every breath is our lifeline, but a lot of us don’t breathe properly, and improper breathing can create anxiety and make sexual problems worse. The more anxious and pent up we feel, the more constricted our breathing becomes and the less oxygen we take in.

  Exercise 1. BASIC BREATHING

  Before you do anything else, you need to make sure that the way you are breathing is relaxing you and not making your sexual problems worse. You should pay attention to two aspects of breathing. The first is slowness. Slowing your breathing will relax your whole body. The second aspect is evenness. Keep your breathing consistent and even in order to allow sexual energy to flow throughout your body. Holding your breath when you become sexually aroused will diminish your arousal.

  To start this first breathing exercise, lie comfortably on your bed with your clothing loosened. Place your hand over your heart to get a sense of how fast it is beating. You do not need to time your heart rate.

  Now place your hand on your abdomen. Blow all the air in your lungs out through your mouth. Slowly breathe in through your mouth, and then, immediately but slowly, exhale. Pause several seconds between exhaling and inhaling. Do not pause between an inhalation and an exhalation—in other words, don’t hold your breath. The inhale/exhale cycle should be one continuous process. Lie quietly and breathe like this, slowly and evenly, for a few minutes.

  Exercise 2. ADVANCED BREATHING

  If you are especially anxious or have a lot of stress in your life, try the following breathing exercise. Lie down in a relaxed position. Rapidly blow all of the air out of your lungs through your nose. Now, inhaling slowly, take all the air you can back in through your nose. Think of this as caressing the inside of your lungs with air. As soon as all the air is in your lungs, start breathing it back out, slowly. Don’t hold your breath at all, and don’t pause between exhaling and inhaling. Your breathing is now under your conscious control.

  Do this form of breathing five or six times in a row. It will slow down your heart rate and lower your blood pressure. This simple breathing exercise, done regularly, can relax you enough for you to be able do the exercises in this book.

  Exercise 3. BELLY BREATHING

  Lie comfortably on your back. Loosen any tight clothing. Place one hand on your stomach or abdomen and the other on your heart. Now take a deep, slow breath that you can feel all the way down to your abdomen. Breathe as if you are drawing breath down through your body, into your legs and toes. This type of breathing, called belly breathing, will cause your abdomen to expand and rise; when you exhale, it will contract.

  As you breathe, inhaling and exhaling should be one continuous process. Don’t hold your breath at all after you inhale. Feel the air flowing all the way into your lungs and all the way out. Visualize the air as a white light flowing into and out of you, both relaxing you and energizing you. If you want to, rest after each exhalation. Take two deep belly breaths and then breathe normally for about a minute. Take two more belly breaths and breathe normally for another minute. Repeat this pattern of breathing for about ten minutes.

  Exercise 4. DEEP MUSCLE RELAXATION

  Sexual healing relies on deeply relaxed muscles. Deep muscle relaxation is a well-known antidote for anxiety, with special benefits for lovemaking. When you have mastered it, you will know your own body so well that if a muscle group becomes tense during lovemaking, you will immediately notice it. You can then consciously and immediately relax so that muscle tension won’t interfere with your lovemaking.

  Lie down on your bed, on your back, in a comfortable position. The object is to tighten each group of muscles in your body, hold it as tight as you can for a few seconds, and then relax it. Starting with your right foot and then moving to your left foot, systematically work your way up your entire body, tensing and relaxing each muscle group in sequence: feet, calves, thighs, entire legs, buttocks, abdomen, stomach, chest, neck, hands, lower arms, upper arms, entire arms, and face. Remember to keep breathing normally as you do the exercise.

  chapter 17

  Sexual Fitness

  Sexual fitness is a big component of sexual healing. It’s a good idea for your genitals and the rest of your body to be in at least reasonable shape, although you don’t have to be an athlete to make great love. That’s what is so wonderful about lovemaking. Anybody, at almost any level of fitness, can enjoy satisfying sexual intimacy. If you have physical problems or limitations, you can still make love by adjusting your position, limiting the amount of time you spend, or eliminating certain activities that cause you physical problems. All it takes is some creativity and the ability to listen to your body.

  There are a few simple things you can do to get in better shape for making love. I call these “sexual fitness” exercises, but don’t worry—they don’t work up a sweat. By strengthening the muscles in your pelvic area and learning how to relax the rest of your body, you can spend more delicious time in intimate, arousing lovemaking.

  General Fitness

  Before we get into specific pelvic exercises, let’s talk for a minute about general aerobic fitness. Are you in great physical condition—a triathlete or marathon runner? Or are you a fitness disaster area—a true couch potato? Most of us are somewhere in between these extremes. To receive the most healing from this program, you need to have a basic level of general fitness. What does this mean?

  If you smoke, please do your best to stop now or begin tapering off. It is a proven fact that cigarette smoking is one of the worst things you can do for your sex life (not to mention your lungs). Nicot
ine is a stimulant that restricts blood flow to the small blood vessels in the skin. It erodes your ability to feel skin sensations and impairs circulation to the point that many smokers have difficulty becoming aroused and having orgasms.

  If you don’t exercise on a regular basis, start walking. Try to take a brisk walk for fifteen or twenty minutes every day. Any exercise you can get will energize you and prepare you for lovemaking. As always, consult your physician before you begin any exercise program.

  Nutrition

  I believe that eating and drinking, like making love, are two of the greatest pleasures in life. Simple pleasures like these are the things you can share with your partner that make your daily life richer. I also believe that most people can enjoy delicious foods and drink superb wines without becoming obese or alcoholic. Have you ever heard of the so-called French paradox? The French are renowned for eating fatty foods and drinking wine, and yet for the most part they are healthier, thinner, and in better shape than most Americans. There are a lot of possible explanations for this phenomenon, one being that the French tend not to snack between meals, and, while growing up, tend to exercise more. And don’t forget, the French are famous for their abilities as lovers as well. Could it be that they know something we don’t about how pleasurable eating, drinking, and lovemaking fit into a healthy, cohesive lifestyle?

  There is no doubt that nutrition is critical to maintaining a healthy body and overall well-being, so it is important that your nutritional needs are being met. Learn and follow the basics of good nutrition. Lots of resources are available in bookstores and online to help you do this. One extremely important dietary guideline that many Americans fail to follow is the necessity of eating plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables every day. Experts recommend getting at least five servings daily of veggies and fruits. Next time you’re about to order a side of fries to go with your sandwich, quickly check in with yourself: Have you had your daily five? If not, why not order a fresh green salad instead? (And ask for about half as much salad dressing as usual—that’s a good way to cut down on one source of fat in your diet.)

  The popularity of the weight-loss segments on the Dr. Phil show illustrate the fact that so many people in the United States need to lose weight for health reasons. Are you severely overweight? I don’t mean “pleasingly plump,” which is normal and not unhealthy. If you are clinically overweight (20 to 40 percent or higher above the ideal weight for your height), it may put a damper on a satisfying sex life. That much excess weight can directly impair your ability not only to move around during lovemaking, but also to feel sensations in the genital area and to have erections and orgasms. Men who are severely overweight often find that the fat layer over their pelvic area reduces their penis length by several inches, which becomes a direct cause of problems in making love. (This condition is called concealed, or hidden, penis.)

  Drugs

  Drugs are nonnutritive substances that are intended to affect the structure or function of the body. They can be man-made or derived from plants. Drugs can be taken orally, injected, or administered in a number of other ways.

  Many people believe that certain drugs are aphrodisiacs—substances that stimulate sexual desire. But aphrodisiacs do not exist. Sharing an occasional glass or two of wine or champagne with your partner may help the two of you loosen up and let go of the week’s stressful events, as well as enhance feelings of pleasure in general, but excessive use of alcohol can cause problems with erections, ejaculation, and orgasm.

  Some people report that they feel more sexual desire if they smoke marijuana or snort cocaine. Any positive effects from these drugs are short-term. The long-term effects of all illegal drugs is to impair your ability to make love, on top of compromising your physical and mental health.

  What about prescription drugs? I’ve already gone into the effects of these on the specific sexual problems described in Chapters 5 through 13. Impaired sexual response is a side effect of many prescription drugs, including ulcer medications, high blood pressure medications, and even antihistamines. The selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), such as Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft, can impair both sexual desire and orgasm. If you are concerned about a current prescription you take, consult your physician to discuss your options.

  I am not a health nut or fitness buff, and I generally prefer to spend my time talking about the positive effects of lovemaking; still, this is advice I must give: If you want your lovemaking to be better so that you share a powerful, healing bond with your partner, stop smoking; moderate your eating, drinking, and use of prescription medications; get some exercise; and don’t use illegal drugs.

  Sex-Muscle Exercises

  The first stage of sexual fitness is getting yourself in reasonable physical shape, as discussed above. The second stage is getting your “sex muscles” in good shape. The PC, or pubococcygeus, muscle group, often called the PC muscle for short, runs from the pubic bone in the front of your body to the tailbone in the rear. It supports the floor of your pelvic cavity and your pelvic organs, and, more intriguingly, is the key to a longer-lasting, healing sexual union. Both men and women can do special exercises to strengthen, tone, and gain expert control over the PC muscle group.

  Exercise 5. PC MUSCLE EXERCISE FOR WOMEN

  Before you can begin to exercise your PC muscle, you must locate it. Place one of your fingers lightly against your vaginal lips or inside your vagina up to the first knuckle. Pretend you are urinating and want to stop the flow. The muscle that tightens around your finger when you do this is the PC muscle. Internally, you should feel a drawing together or a drawing upward in your vaginal and pelvic area.

  When you squeeze the PC muscle, make sure you are not also tensing your abdomen or thigh muscles at the same time. Also, remember to keep breathing regularly as you squeeze and relax. You should be able to tighten your PC muscle without its being obvious to anyone looking at you. Once you have located the PC muscle, there’s no need to keep your hand on it as you tighten and relax it.

  Three times a day, spend a few minutes flexing and relaxing your PC muscle twenty-five times. Squeeze the muscle, hold it for two seconds, and relax it for two seconds. Breathe deeply and steadily throughout. You can do these flexes anytime, anywhere—driving your car, waiting in line, brushing your teeth.

  If you are older, overweight, or have had children, you may want to start with as few as five or ten repetitions, then work your way up to twenty-five. The PC muscle tires easily and may not relax fully each time when you first start to do the exercises, but it will tone up quickly. It is important to do this exercise every day for the rest of your life as a vital part of maintaining your sexual fitness.

  A strong PC muscle offers many benefits for women. It tightens and tones the vagina, and gives you better bladder control. It also helps tone the vagina after giving birth. (These exercises were first developed by an obstetrician, Dr. A. H. Kegel, to help control incontinence in pregnant women and women who had just given birth, and they are often referred to as Kegel exercises.)

  A strong PC muscle also makes it easier to have orgasms. In both men and women, flexing the PC muscle at the moment of orgasm intensifies the orgasm. This is because when your PC muscle is in shape, more blood can flow to the genital area, and more blood can be expelled from the genital area during orgasm. A toned PC muscle is essential if you are seeking sexual healing. And aside from all of the reasons listed above, doing the PC muscle exercises is fun and feels good.

  Exercise 6. PC MUSCLE EXERCISE FOR MEN

  To locate your PC muscle, lightly place two fingers behind your testicles. Now imagine that you are urinating and want to stop the flow. The muscle that you squeeze internally to stop the flow is the PC muscle. Practice stopping and starting your urination a few times so that you know where this muscle group is located.

  Every day, three times a day, flex and relax this muscle group twenty-five times. Now that you know where the muscle is, you won’t have to touch it to exercise it. M
ake sure that you have isolated the muscle and that you are not tightening your abdomen, buttocks, or facial muscles during the exercise. Keep every other muscle in your body as relaxed as you can, and remember to breathe evenly as you squeeze and relax. It is easy to do this exercise. Tightening and relaxing the PC muscle should feel good; you may even feel slightly aroused, because when you exercise this muscle you are temporarily increasing blood flow into the genital area.

  It may take you a while to work up to twenty-five repetitions. If you are older or overweight, you may want to start with only five or ten repetitions and then gradually work your way up. Don’t do more than twenty-five repetitions at a time, or your PC muscle may get sore. It will take about three weeks for the muscle to get in shape, and then you really need to do this exercise every day for the rest of your life. It is an important part of maintaining your sexual fitness. Men whose PC muscle is in good shape can enjoy better erections, more sensation in the genital area, better ejaculation control, stronger orgasms, and even multiple orgasms.

  Another important benefit of the PC muscle exercises for men is improved prostate health. The stronger your PC muscle is, the stronger your ejaculation will be, which means that your prostate gland is more likely to expel all of its contents during ejaculation. Men who have consistent, complete ejaculations tend to have fewer problems with prostate enlargement as they age.

  If you are using the program outlined in this book to solve a specific sexual problem, the PC muscle exercises are essential for you. In therapy, the clients who learned most quickly to have orgasms, control their ejaculations, and have better erections were those who were diligent about exercising their PC muscle. Have I sold you on this exercise? I hope so.