Sexual Healing

by Barbara Keesling

  Exercise 117. MULTIPLE ORGASMS FOR MEN

  There are numerous detailed exercises in How to Make Love All Night, but try beginning with a preliminary exercise here. Some men have learned this technique in just a few sessions. Two things I have noted in working with clients is that men in their forties and fifties seem to be able to learn this process really well, and men who have a history of premature ejaculation also seem to do very well with this process.

  First, bring yourself to orgasmic potential by trying this alone while doing a genital caress. Peak yourself up to levels 6, 7, and 8, and then do plateaus at levels 8 and 9. When you reach that split second before your PC muscle starts to spasm, squeeze your PC muscle as tightly as you can for five to ten seconds, open your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and consciously relax all of your other muscles. You may have an unusual sensation in which you have an orgasm but don’t ejaculate. If you ejaculate a little bit, it just means you need to practice your timing.

  Next, try the same exercise when making love with your partner. Most men prefer the butterfly position for making love in this way. I find that the men who learn the technique most quickly are those who are able to get rid of their performance attitude and make love because they enjoy it and enjoy their partners.

  How do you feel about the powers of sexual healing now that you’ve shared healing intercourse? Did you find that some of these approaches resonate with you and your partner more than others? You may wish to incorporate them into your general lovemaking. Be aware as you incorporate healing intercourse into your love life that you don’t develop a performance attitude or lose touch with your partner’s needs. Let the power of healing intercourse truly deepen and enrich your relationship.

  chapter 37

  Spiritual Healing Through Sexuality

  Making love in a committed, intimate, mutual relationship can open up a vast spiritual dimension in which you and your partner connect with each other and with something larger than either—or both—of you. I am not religious and don’t consider myself particularly spiritual, but I do know that you are missing something in life if you don’t have a feeling for the transpersonal, even if the connection you feel is simply with nature. I have placed this chapter at the end of the book because it is an introduction to another dimension of sexuality—sacred sexuality—that some of you may relate to, while others may not. I encourage you to explore what this dimension can hold for you and your partner.

  You may have already experienced the transpersonal or transcendental element of lovemaking. For example, have you ever felt an altered state of consciousness, in which everything looked clearer or brighter, after uniquely passionate sex? Physically we explain this state as resulting from the combination of hyperventilation and endorphin release, but that description shortchanges the profound effects that such a sexual connection can have on us. Many couples find that sexual union is a way to realize their connection with a higher power, whether that power is God, Goddess, nature, or goodness.

  Sexuality in Religious Traditions

  Most religious traditions have recognized the power of lovemaking and tie it into their cosmology, or theory of the universe. Judeo-Christian religions honor the Bible, which includes the Song of Songs, a lavish and beautiful poem that celebrates the eroticism of heterosexual lovemaking. Orthodox Jewish traditions refer to the Kabbalah, which also contains erotic passages. The Islamic religion includes erotic love poems. Buddhist, Taoist, and Hindu traditions all feature artwork depicting sexual scenes, and they include a focus on how sexual energy is a way to transcend this world. Have you ever seen pictures of some of the Hindu temple carvings in India and Thailand? They are very erotic, often illustrating copulation between the gods.

  For some people, however, the idea that an organized religion could contain a tradition of sacred sex is very threatening. Many of us had a negative upbringing in a restrictive religious tradition in which sexuality was forbidden rather than celebrated. Many of us learned to avoid sex because our religious background taught us to associate the body and its sexual impulses with shame and guilt. I grew up in the Catholic tradition, where sex was strictly forbidden (and not even discussed) until you were married. Upon marriage, suddenly lovemaking became so special that it was a gift from God, a sacrament that reflected the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Catholic church. This was a challenging belief for my friends and me to try to understand and come to terms with, particularly as teenagers who were discovering our sexuality, often in the backseats of cars! It was very difficult to relate to sexuality in a sacramental sense when our entire sex lives up to that point had been governed by a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

  Understanding the historical role of sexuality in our religious traditions can help heal any conflicts we may feel between spirituality and sexuality. Sexual healing can make it possible to deal with these conflicts and to allow your sexual relationship to enrich you spiritually as well as physically and emotionally. The following are exercises that can help you tap into the spiritual traditions you already have, and perhaps introduce you to some new ones.

  Exercise 118. SPIRITUAL AND EROTIC READING

  If you are a member of an organized religion, find out what your religious tradition has to say about using lovemaking as an expression of your spirituality and your relationship with a deity or deities. Whether your religious background is Christian, Moslem, Goddess, nature worship, or something else, you will no doubt be able to locate some readings about sacred sexuality in your tradition. On a special night, read aloud to each other some of the erotic and/or spiritual writings from your tradition.

  Exercise 119. FOOT BATH AND CARESS

  This exercise is not only sensual, it is also symbolic of humility and service. In the New Testament of the Judeo-Christian Bible, people wash each other’s feet for this purpose. People often have negative feelings about feet—that they are dirty or smell bad. This exercise can help change these attitudes. Practitioners of shiatsu massage know that putting pressure on various parts of the feet can result in healing of other areas of the body.

  You may do this exercise clothed or in the nude, however you and your partner will feel most comfortable and close. You will need two towels, a basin large enough for a person’s feet, liquid soap, lotion, and hot water. Unlike some of the other sensate-focus exercises, during the foot bath and caress you might want to create a special ambience. This can be done by dimming the lights, lighting candles, or playing soft music.

  To begin, the passive partner sits in a chair with his or her feet on the floor. The bath itself includes only the feet and ankles. The active partner fills the basin with warm water and gently places the passive partner’s feet in the water. Add the liquid soap and caress your partner’s feet in the water. The foot bath and caress is like any other sensate-focus exercise. Use a light, caressing touch, not massage. Bathe one foot at a time, exploring how the different areas of the foot feel as you bathe them. Stroke the ankles, the arches, and the tender undersides of the toes. Although you touch for your own pleasure, believe me, your partner will like this exercise. As you touch your partner, draw the healing mindset around the two of you.

  When you are done bathing both of your partner’s feet, lift them from the basin one at a time, pat them dry, and wrap them in separate towels. Put aside the basin, then take one of your partner’s feet from the towel, warm up some lotion in your palms, and caress your partner’s foot with lotion. Again, caress for your own pleasure. I usually bathe each foot for about five minutes and then caress each foot for five to ten minutes.

  As the passive partner during the foot bath and caress, the only thing you need to do is relax and enjoy. Allow yourself to be pampered. Relax your feet and let them hang from your legs. Your partner will lift them into the basin for you; you don’t need to help.

  Exercise 120. THE FIVE SENSES

  In this exercise, you use religious or spiritual symbols, such as earth, air, fire, and water, to gather just the ri
ght combination of elements that will engage all of your partner’s senses in lovemaking. Each of you can take turns being the bearer of delights.

  When it is your turn to be active, prepare your room for lovemaking with things that will stimulate all five of your partner’s senses. For example, you could choose a jasmine-scented candle to appeal to your partner’s sense of smell, wear something sexy that you know your partner would like to look at, and play some soulful music on the stereo. Then you could uncork your partner’s favorite wine to stimulate his or her taste buds, and use your fingertips or palms to caress his or her skin. Make sure not to have too many things going on, as this can be distracting. One special stimulus for each sense is enough.

  When your partner has prepared the room, as the passive partner you should try to empty your mind of thoughts and open yourself to your senses. Focus on each sense one at a time, then experience all of them together as a whole.

  This exercise allows you to combine sensate focus with the sensual pleasures you know your partner likes, and also to make a symbolic and real connection between lovemaking with your partner and outward symbols of your spiritual tradition, such as candles or wine.

  Exercise 121. BODY DECORATION

  Buy some paints that are suitable for use on the skin. You can find these at a bath shop, an adult store, or through a catalog. Try this in your bathtub or shower, or in a secluded, private area outdoors if you have one. Undress each other and offer each other your body. Your body may become a canvas for spiritual, sacred expression, or it may become a part of you that your partner is honoring. Each of you takes turns reverently painting your partner’s body. You may wish to paint symbols that mean something to both of you. Or use designs that celebrate your body and body parts. You can turn this into a ritual if you wish. When you are both painted, do whatever you are inspired to do. If the paints are edible, lick them off.

  Exercise 122. SYMBOLIC DINNER

  The breaking of bread and sharing of food can be a symbolic ceremony. For example, the Jewish tradition of Passover commemorates the Jews’ flight out of Egypt; each food served at a Passover supper holds symbolic meaning. Have you and your partner gone through difficult times? Are there special times of rejoicing for both of you? Do you cherish special aspects of your relationship? Share a symbolic dinner that honors your history or sets the stage for your future together.

  Consider this exchange a ritual or ceremony. Plan it in advance so it has a structure. Serve special foods that remind you of some aspect of your relationship or symbolize some aspect of your love. Make up a dialogue to go along with serving the food. For example, “As I’m pouring this wine, it reminds me of our wedding, when we shared this same wine with our close friends.” As an alternative, you could prepare some readings to accompany each dish or course.

  Exercise 123. PERSONAL ALTARS

  Practitioners of some Eastern religions often keep altars in their homes. They light candles or incense and meditate or pray before the altar. Some Christians also do this. In a similar way, try honoring your relationship. You could make your bedroom, or another private room in your house, a shrine to your relationship, using pictures and symbols. The following are some ideas:

  Choose artwork with healing imagery, such as mandalas (Hindu symbols of the universe), spirals (symbols of an inner journey), or suns (symbols of life). Use statues and paintings that symbolize male and female fertility. Or use special photos that symbolize important milestones in your relationship. Play classical or New Age music, or music that mimics the heart’s rhythms. For aromas, scent the room with essential oils of rosemary, lavender, eucalyptus, ginger, or clove. Make sure your room receives plenty of sunlight and fresh air. All of these will contribute to your spiritual well-being.

  Exercise 124. COUPLE RITUALS

  Another thing you can do to heal your relationship spiritually is to start your own couple rituals. These are things that you make a commitment to do with each other every day, week, or month. By having rituals together you honor the importance of your relationship. Your purpose and your intention are key. With rituals, you can make the familiar unfamiliar and the mundane special. Here are a few of the rituals that have been shared by couples I know:• If you are religious, attend a worship service together on a regular basis.

  • Spend an evening savoring a meal in a favorite restaurant on a regular basis. Or make a special meal at home together on a regular basis.

  • If you have a garden, plant a special area and tend it together.

  • Spend an evening every so often reading favorite books or poems aloud. Alternate who reads and who listens.

  • Make trips to a lover’s point to watch the sunset together.

  • Take dancing lessons, then go out dancing on a regular basis.

  • Bathe each other and exchange massages.

  The key to couple rituals is not what you agree to do together; it is that you commit to doing it regularly, that you both participate mutually, and that you both look forward to it. Your ritual could even be to talk about a particular subject at a particular time: the kids, your life goals, travel plans, your financial situation, things you think would improve your relationship. These are all rituals with which many couples have been successful. Lovemaking starts before you get to the bedroom and continues long after you leave it. If you think of everything you do together as adding dimensions to your emotional bond, you will discover new depths for both you and your relationship.

  An important factor in any intimate relationship is what David Schnarch (the author of several books on relationships, including Resurrecting Sex; see Recommended Reading) calls differentiation. Differentiation means becoming fully yourself while continuing to relate intimately to another person. Couple rituals can help you and your partner learn to grow individually yet be close to each other at the same time.

  Tantra

  The religious or sacred tradition that has the most to say about making love is tantra, a form of yoga done in couples. The tantric cosmology features a theory of the universe created by the male and female forces. The universe springs from the union of the god Shiva (pure consciousness) and his consort Shakti (pure energy). The difference between most forms of yoga that you may be familiar with and tantra is that most yoga teaches asceticism (getting away from the worldly and the material) whereas tantra teaches how to reach the sublime by “debasing” oneself (becoming material, corporeal, or earthy). The most profound way to do this is through sexual intercourse.

  In tantra, the man and the woman making love symbolize the male and female forces that created and power the universe. The male and female genitals are revered objects of worship. Tantra includes exercises, positions, rituals, and sexual postures that all have meaning in the tantric belief system. About ten years ago, I hosted a Playboy video entitled A Guide to Tantric Lovemaking that showed modern couples how to do some of these exercises and practices, some of which are quite weird by modern standards. For example, one of the tantric practices is to have sexual intercourse for twenty-four hours straight during a full moon with a woman who is having her period, and another is for a man to make love for many hours but withhold ejaculation. Some of the sexual practices that have their roots in tantra are very erotic and can help you appreciate the part of your relationship that is sacred.

  Below are a few short tantric exercises. If you want more information, read one of the following excellent books: The Art of Sexual Ecstasy and The Art of Sexual Magic, by Margo Anand, or Ecstatic Lovemaking, by Victoria Lee. All are listed in Recommended Reading. In addition, if you would like specific training in tantra, with a bit of research you can find couples’ tantric workshops.

  Exercise 125. CHAKRA MASSAGE

  The chakras are centers in the body where various types of energy—physical, emotional, mental, and electromagnetic—are exchanged or connected to the world around us. Traditionally, there are seven chakras, which run along the spine and up to the head, reflecting the development of human con
sciousness. The seven chakras are located at the base of the spine, the pelvis, the navel or solar plexus, the heart, the throat, the forehead (or “third eye”), and the crown of the head.

  To release energy from these centers for purposes of sexual healing, do sensate-focus caresses that start at the head chakras and move down to the pelvis chakras to concentrate energy there. Or do sensate-focus caresses that start at the base chakras and move up to the head chakras. This latter form of chakra massage helps kundalini (sexual energy, conceptualized as a serpent wrapped around the base of the spine) rise and be released, which can lead to some very intense orgasmic sensations.

  Exercise 126. TANTRIC INTERCOURSE

  In tantric teaching there is a tremendous store of psychic and sexual energy that is locked or dormant in the “root center,” at the base of the spine. Tantrics describe it as a coiled serpent named kundalini. When you become sexually aroused, kundalini energy starts to uncoil and slowly move up your spinal cord, energizing the other chakras as it goes. You may experience it as a white, hot light moving along your spine.

  To awaken kundalini energy as you make love you should be in a position with a straight back, that is, sitting or standing or kneeling with your spine straight. Try a sexual position with one of you in a straight-backed position, then the next time you make love, switch positions so the other person is in a straight-backed position. Make sure you come together in a grounding embrace (see the next exercise) after any form of tantric intercourse.

  Exercise 127. GROUNDING EMBRACE