Sexual Healing
Page 45
After any tantric exercise or tantric intercourse, it is very important to recenter yourselves or become grounded. After you have profound or spiritual or ecstatic sex, you will not feel like having a cigarette or taking a shower or rolling over and going to sleep. You may feel wide awake and vulnerable, and you probably will not feel like talking.
A good grounding exercise to do after tantric experiences is a version of the Eye Gaze bonding exercise described in Chapter 34. Lie quietly together face to face, hugging and holding each other, and simply gaze into each other’s eyes. Let your breathing slow down naturally, let your sexual energy dissipate naturally, and feel your own heart beat as well as your partner’s. This is a lovely finish to a tantric experience. You will find that as your breathing and heart rates slow, they will fall into sync with each other.
Ecstasy
As you and your partner may have already discovered while doing the sexual healing exercises, there is a level of sexual experience beyond arousal, and even beyond mutuality and intimacy. This is ecstasy. Sexual ecstasy is the feeling during a sexual encounter that you and your partner are so close that you temporarily transcend the material, physical plane of existence and enter into a highly spiritual realm as you have intercourse and reach orgasm together.
The way to find ecstasy together is to find balance between the male and female parts of yourselves. Ultimately, a woman is sexually healed by a man’s worshipping her body, especially her vagina or “sacred space.” Since a major aspect of a woman’s sexual strength is to contain semen and give birth, the way she reaches sexual ecstasy is to expel energy by releasing it in a series of explosive orgasms. A man is healed by a woman’s loving acceptance of his penis, his “wand of light,” and by opening his heart. Since one aspect of a man’s sexual strength is his ability to ejaculate, he reaches sexual ecstasy by learning to contain that energy in order to have multiple orgasms.
A couple will be healed together by learning to transmit love and respect to each other through their genitals. You will accomplish this through your presence with each other and through your healing intentions. During these tantric exercises, it is important that you also maintain an attitude of worship toward your own body and your partner’s body. Worship your partner’s body not only because he or she is your partner, but because his or her body symbolizes all that is male or female in the universe.
The exercises in this book lay the foundation for the healing mindset necessary to understand and open the doors to ecstasy. Spiritual experiences are always unique and highly personal, so I won’t attempt to describe a typical ecstatic moment. Some people say they see intense colors or images, some have visions, others hear music, and some feel an overwhelming sense of connection with all creation. You now have all of the tools you need to use your loving partnership as a gateway to the spiritual part of yourself, and to help you connect with your partner’s soul. The following two exercises can further open the doors to experiences of sexual ecstasy.
Exercise 128. INTERCOURSE EXCHANGING BREATH
Let’s have the man be active first. After he has done some sensual caresses with his partner, he kneels between his partner’s legs and begins intercourse. As he continues to thrust slowly and sensuously, he leans over his partner and breathes into her mouth. They both visualize the breath flowing into her lungs, abdomen, and pelvis, back into him through her vagina, and up his spine. This creates a sensational energy circle that both partners can feel.
When the woman is active, she caresses her partner, and, when he has a partial or full erection, she climbs on top of him and begins intercourse. As she begins to thrust slowly and sensuously, she breathes into his mouth and they both visualize the healing breath flowing into his lungs, abdomen, and pelvis, and then through his penis back into her and up her spine. The breath is a golden light that fills them both until they feel it radiating out of them.
This can be a very intense exercise. End it by lying in a close grounding embrace until both of you are ready to release your touch.
Exercise 129. EYE-GAZE INTERCOURSE
In this exercise you use your gaze to seduce your partner as you make love. This is seduction in a positive, beneficent sense. By gazing intently at your partner, you draw your partner in and seduce him or her with your focus.
Caress your partner as you both keep your eyes open and locked onto each other. Gaze deeply into his or her eyes as you climb on top and start to move, stroking up and down, in and out. Draw your sexual energies together as they build. Keep your movements flowing and sensuous, and force your partner to look back at you with the power of the sexual energy you create. To help both of you come down from orgasm, lie together in a grounding embrace.
chapter 38
Some Final Thoughts
I’d like to share a few more things that I think are important for you to know. First, be aware that the sexual healing program presented in this book is a very specific, cognitive-behavioral program for healing the most common sexual problems. However, it’s not the only option available for dealing with these issues, and some people respond better to other strategies. Possibilities for other treatment options include hypnosis (a very advanced state of relaxation), visualization or imagery techniques, and intensive psychotherapy. There’s also the very real possibility that in the near future virtual-reality techniques will be available to help people heal their sexual problems. I just hope I get invited to try out some of the prototypes!
If you do decide to give this program a try, know that an important part of any cognitive-behavioral program, whether it’s to help someone stop smoking, lose weight, or change his or her sex life, is relapse prevention. Relapse prevention involves coming up with—and then actually implementing—a strategy to help you avoid falling back into your old habits after all the effort you’ve made to change them. In the sexual healing program, to prevent relapse you should continue to do the relaxation, sexual fitness, and self-touch exercises throughout your life in order to maintain your level of sexual health. In addition, know that many sexual problems seem to have dispositional components. By this I mean some people have tendencies to ejaculate quickly, some people have tendencies to be slower to reach orgasm, and some people have tendencies to be slower to get erections. If you have had any of these problems in the past, you’ll still be vulnerable to them in the future, especially when you’re under stress. Even if you have completed the program presented in this book and believe that your problems are a thing of the past, you will still have a vulnerability to your particular issues. For relapse-prevention purposes, it’s a good idea to go back and do sensate-focus exercises with your partner once in a while to make sure you hold on to all the gains you have made.
We live in an era in which much of the information presented publicly about sexuality is negative. A focus on the potentially harmful aspects of sexuality (such as disease transmission, sexual coercion, and teen pregnancy) may cause us to overlook the overwhelmingly positive effects sexual expression can have on our lives. I hope the sensual activities you have learned here will help you to enjoy the many soothing and healthy aspects of sexuality, including increased sexual self-esteem, feelings of personal fulfillment, intimacy with your partner, and, possibly, sexual ecstasy. The pair bond between you and your partner is important; in fact, it’s among the most important relationships you’ll ever have. It is equally important to share with the rest of the world the energy, vitality, and goodwill you have created through the enriching effects of the sexual healing program. As you embark on your lifelong journey of sexual healing, let your health and happiness spread to others. And although I haven’t said anything so far in this book about love, I recognize that love is the most important thing of all, isn’t it? That’s true for all of us. Choose this as the next direction in which to go. Learn what it means to be a great lover, in the broadest sense of the word. Learn to love not only in the bedroom, but also in your household, in your community, and in the world.
References
American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed., Text Revision. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association, 2000.
Annon, J. The Behavioral Treatment of Sexual Problems, vol. 1. Honolulu, HI: Enabling Systems, 1974.
Benson, H. The Relaxation Response. New York: Anchor Books, 1975.
Charlton, R., (ed). Treating Sexual Disorders. New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1997.
Gay, P., (ed). The Freud Reader. New York: W.W. Norton and Company, 1989.
Kaplan, H. The New Sex Therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1974.
———. Sexual Aversion, Sexual Phobias, and Panic Disorder. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1987.
Levine, S. Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental Health Professionals. New York: Brunner-Routledge, 2003.
Lowen, A. Bioenergetics. New York: Penguin Books, 1975.
Masters, W., and V. Johnson. Human Sexual Response. Boston, MA: Little, Brown and Company, 1966.
———. Human Sexual Inadequacy. Boston, MA: Little, Brown and Company, 1970.
Montagu, A. Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin, 3rd ed. New York: Harper and Row Publishers, 1986.
Reich, W. Character Analysis. New York: Farrar, Strauss and Giroux, 1945.
Recommended Reading
Anand, M. The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers. Los Angeles, CA: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 1989.
———. The Art of Sexual Magic. New York: G.P. Putnam’s Sons, 1995.
Barbach, L. For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality. New York: Anchor Books, 1975.
Berman, J., and L. Berman. For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life. New York: Henry Holt and Co., 2001.
Bodansky, S., and V. Bodansky. The Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm. Alameda, CA: Hunter House, 2002.
Castleman, M. Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex. Emmaus, PA: Rodale Press, 2004.
Ellison, C. Women’s Sexualities: Generations of Women Share Intimate Secrets of Sexual Self-Acceptance. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2000.
Fisher, H. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. New York: Henry Holt, 2004.
Fulbright, Y. The Hot Guide to Safer Sex. Alameda, CA: Hunter House, 2003.
Hall, K. Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back into Your Life. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2004.
Katz, D., and R. Tabisel. Private Pain: It’s about Life, Not Just Sex: Understanding Vaginismus and Dyspareunia. Plainview, NY: Katz-Tabi Publications, 2002.
Kaysen, S. The Camera My Mother Gave Me. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2001.
Keesling, B. How to Make Love All Night. New York: HarperCollins, 1994.
———. Talk Sexy to the One You Love. New York: HarperCollins, 1996.
———. Sexual Pleasure: Reaching New Heights of Sexual Arousal and Intimacy, 2nd ed. Alameda, CA: Hunter House Publishers, 2005.
Lee, V. Ecstatic Lovemaking. Boston, MA: Conari Press, 2002.
McCarthy, B., and E. McCarthy. Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages. New York: Brunner-Routledge, 2003.
Milsten, R., and J. Slowinski. The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions. New York: W.W. Norton and Company, 1999.
Pennebaker, J. Opening Up. New York: Morrow, 1990.
Schnarch, D. Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship. New York: HarperCollins, 2002.
Semans, A. The Many Joys of Sex Toys. New York: Broadway Books, 2004.
Sundahl, D. Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot. Alameda, CA: Hunter House, 2003.
Sources for Sex Toys
I don’t endorse any specific company. I’ve listed the larger retailers that have websites in case you’re too shy to purchase adult products in person. If you’re not too shy, you can probably find an adult store in your area.
Good Vibrations
(800) 289-8423
www.goodvibes.com
Lady Calston
(416) 398-0999
www.calston.com
Xandria Collection
(800) 242-2823
www.xandria.com
Adam and Eve
(800) 293-4654
www.adameve.com
Index
A
A-spot (anterior fornix)
acquired female orgasm disorder. See also female orgasm disorder (FOD)
affirmations
alcohol: and ejaculation problems; and erection problems; and sexual arousal
Anand, Margo
anatomy: female; male
Annon, Jack
antidepressants
anxiety; and arousal problems in women; and erection problems; in a partner; performance; physiology of; reducing through sensate-focus exercises; and sexual aversion disorder (SAD); symptoms of; types of; and vaginismus
arginine
Armstrong, Lance
arousal awareness, developing
arousal, female
arousal problems: See female sexual arousal disorder (FSAD); male erectile disorder (MED)
arousal scale
Art of Sexual Ecstasy, The (Anand)
Art of Sexual Magic, The (Anand)
asexuality
aversion
B
back caress
Bartholin’s glands
Behavioral Treatment of Sexual Problems, The (Annon)
Benson, Herbert
Berman, Jennifer
bioenergetics
body decoration
body image
bodywork
bonding
breast cancer
breathing exercises
breathing problems, sexual healing for
butterfly position
C
cancer
cardiovascular disease: and erection problems; sexual healing for
chakra massage
childbirth: and low sexual desire; and pain during intercourse
chlamydia
chronic illness, sexual healing for
Cialis
circumcision
clitoris, stimulating
cognitive-behavioral approach to sex therapy
coital alignment technique (CAT)
compulsions
congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH)
contraceptives, oral
cycling
D
depression
desensitization
DHEA
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
differentiation
dilators (for vaginismus)
dildo
drugs; and erection problems; and female orgasm problems; and low sexual desire; male urethral suppository for erections (MUSE); and premature ejaculation; and sexual arousal
dyspareunia; and normal intercourse; patterns of; physical causes in men; physical causes in women; psychological issues related to; symptoms in women; vulvar vestibulitis
E
ecstasy
Ecstatic Lovemaking (Lee)
ejaculation, female
ejaculation, inhibited. See male orgasm disorder (MOD)
ejaculation problems. See male orgasm disorder (MOD)
endorphins
equipment required for exercises
erectile dysfunction (ED)
erection: levels of; maintaining; types of
erection enhancers, over-the-counter
erection problems. See male erectile disorder (MED)
erotica
exercise, importance of
exercises: advanced sensate-focus; back caress; for bonding; for dyspareunia; face caress; for female orgasm disorder (FOD); for female sexual arousal disorder (FSAD); front caress; genital caress, for healing physical illness; for maintaining erections; for male erectile disorder (MED); for male orgasm disorder (MOD); oral sex; peaking for female sexual arousal
disorder (FSAD); play; for premature ejaculation; for relaxation; for self-touch; for sexual fitness; for sexual healing with intercourse; for spiritual healing; spoon breathing; for trust building; for vaginismus; for verbal intimacy
exhibitionism
F
face caress exercise
fantasy
feedback following exercises
Feldenkrais massage technique
female orgasm disorder (FOD); and normal female orgasm; physical causes of; psychological causes of; types of
female sexual anatomy
female sexual arousal disorder (FSAD); medical treatment for; normal female arousal; patterns of; physical causes of; psychological causes of
female sexual disorder (FSD)
Fisher, Helen
For Women Only (Berman)
free-floating anxiety
Freud, Sigmund
front caress exercise
G
G-spot (Gräfenberg spot)
gastrointestinal problems, sexual healing for
gender-identity disorder
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
genital caress
genitals: female; male
gonorrhea
Guide to Tantric Lovemaking, A
H
healing mindset
herbal erection enhancers
hernia
herpes
homosexuality
hormones: and erection problems; and low sexual desire
How to Make Love All Night
Human Sexual Response (Masters and Johnson)
hymen
hypnosis
hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD); causes of; in men; normal sexual desire; and other sexual problems; and relationship status; in women