Life Without You

by S. P. West

  “I…I came to try and talk to you seeing as you’ve ignored me for the past week,” the lie slips easily from my lips.

  “Why? Come to beg me to come home? Hoping I’d changed my mind?” He taunts. “Well I haven’t. We are over.”

  The man in front of me looks and sounds like my husband, yet I don’t recognize him.

  “You need to go.” As he continues, his voice is like ice as he moves to walk past me.

  “Please tell me,” I whisper as Alex draws level with me. I’m trying so hard to hold to it together and not become a hysterical blubbering mess. For some reason I don’t want Alex to see me weak.

  “Please.”

  He stops, placing his hands on his hips while looking at the floor. When he looks up at me his eyes are red rimmed as though he is about to cry.

  “We started seeing each other a few days ago,” he says softly, “we’re just seeing how it goes.”

  “Have you slept with her?”

  “No, no yet.”

  Unfortunately for my husband, he forgets that I know him so well and right now I know he’s lying through his teeth.

  “Where are you living?”

  “With my mom.” He shifts uncomfortably from one foot to the other. “Look Summer, I’ve got to go back to work. I’ll come by the apartment and pick up some more of my stuff later. Maybe, we can talk then.”

  I don’t want him to finish this conversation. need answers from him.

  My mind reels with all that I have seen and heard today, with all the questions that I want to ask him. Most importantly, I have to know why he’s lying to me. From the way they were together, there is no way on this earth that they have been seeing each other for only a couple of days. Is she the reason why he walked out on me? Is that why he’s throwing away our marriage because of her. Does he love her? Is the separation so that he can marry her?

  All these questions and I don’t even know the slut’s name.

  Alex is already heading to the building’s entrance no doubt in a hurry to get away from me. Anger gets the better of me.

  “That’s it, run away arsehole! Run back to your whore. What’s her name? Dial-a-shag?” I scream at his retreating back. It’s not exactly my finest moment.

  He stops mid step, pivots and storms back towards me his face twisted in fury.

  “Keep your fucking voice down,” he hisses his nose inches from mine.

  “Not until you give me an answer.” I shout.

  “What the fuck’s the matter with you? I could lose my job.”

  “Do I look like someone that gives a shit?” I seethe. “I know you’re lying Alex. I want to know the truth…now.”

  He rubs his hands over his face and sighs. “What do you want me to say?”

  “No more bullshit, all I want the bloody truth Alex!”

  “And I told you that we’ll talk tonight. Stop making a scene.” It’s his turn to speak through gritted teeth this time.

  “Oh, I’m sorry am I embarrassing you?” My voice drips with sarcasm, “I see my husband, who only left me last week, with his tongue down another woman’s throat for all of the Bay area to see and I’m the one making a scene?” A look of guilt flashes across his face prompting him to look away from me. “So, what’s her name Alex?” I say, lowering my voice.

  How I am holding it together, I’ll never know. My arms are crossed in front of me in a defensive gesture. If anyone cared to look closer, they would see that I’m trembling. I can feel the tears behind my eyes ready to start flowing at any moment. My heart no longer resides in my body, it lies at Alex’s feet, bloody and broken, having been ripped out of my chest the moment I saw him with the other woman and yet Alex and the rest of the world, I am putting on a display of cold indifference. An outstanding display of the stiff upper lip for which we British are known for.

  Alex looks up to the sky as if for some divine inspiration, hands still on his hips apparently not knowing what to say. After what seems like eons, he starts to talk at last.

  “I can’t do this now Summer, I’ll talk to you tonight.” These words are the straw that breaks the camels back.

  “ANSWER ME!” I roar, surprising not only Alex, but also me and most of our audience.

  “RACHEL!” He yells in response, before lowering his voice. “Her name is Rachel.”

  The bitch finally has a name.

  “Don’t bother coming round tonight. In fact, don’t bother coming round at all. I’m not sure I ever want to see you again.”

  I turn and start to walk towards the nearest BART station on Market Street. As I go I hear Alex call out after me, “for what it’s worth Sum, I’m sorry.”

  As I round the corner, safely out his sight I allow the tears to fall.

  ALEX

  I WATCH AS SUMMER walks along Market Street, stopping half-way to lean against the nearest building for support. Her shoulders are slumped in defeat, as she looks up at the sky as if asking for some form of divine assistance. I’m near enough that I can see the tears tracking down her cheeks, her face picture of pure agony.

  I don’t know why I followed her; I should have gone straight back to work, not subject myself to watching a stranger comfort my wife for the unimaginable amount of pain that I’ve caused her. I didn’t think it would hurt to see her cry. I was wrong.

  Never in a million years did I think that Summer would turn up here and see me with fooling around with Rachel. I’d hoped that I would be able to keep the fact that I’m screwing another woman away from her for a little while longer. In hindsight, it was a dumb as fuck move to have a dry humping session with my girlfriend for the entire world, including my wife, to see. I thought I would be happy now that Rach and I can be open about our relationship. Not having to hide anymore should have taken the pressure off.

  Instead, I’ve had to keep my mouth shut over the past week from the snide comments and disgusted looks we’ve been receiving from most of our colleagues. It’s steadily gotten worse over the past few days, especially when they found out I’d moved in with Rachel. Turns out people, particularly our bosses, don’t think too highly of our romance. I’ve already been called into a meeting with the head of human resources, who took great pains to explain to me that I was in breach of the ‘no dating policy’ and gave me an official warning. I didn’t even know the company had one.

  The one thing I didn’t think I’d feel was guilt.

  I know that my marriage is over, it has been for some time, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been before. I can’t explain how great it is to wake up with Rachel in my arms each morning, to not have Summer complaining all the time. And yet, as I watch Summer’s savior put their arm around her guiding her away from my view, I wonder if I’ve done the right thing. A small part of me wants to go and snatch her from the arms of that stranger. I’m her husband; I should be the one to comfort her. Except I’m not now, am I? I’m the asshat who made her cry.

  God, I’m so confused.

  Up until I saw the look of hurt on Summer’s face when she saw me with Rach; I would have said that she couldn’t have cared less about me leaving her. Yeah, I figured that she would be upset for a while and in, all likelihood, end up hating me. I thought I was doing her a favor. She couldn’t be happy stuck in a loveless marriage either, right? What I didn’t think would happen when I saw her, what I wasn’t prepared for was the punch in the gut of seeing the consequences of my actions in full glorious HD. I thought she’d be okay and would shrug it off. It never occurred to me what walking out would do to her. Gone was the bright, bubbly, emerald eyed, blonde that I’d known. In her place was a wraith with unmistakable dark shadows under swollen, red eyes. She looked pale and gaunt, haunted even and I had done that too her.

  I let my drop my head forward and my hands through my hair in frustration at the situation before taking one last look at where Summer was standing.

  I’ll go over to the apartment tonight and talk to her; I’ll just have to man up and tell her the truth. I’m sorry
I hurt her but I felt trapped. Splitting up is the best thing for both of us - I won’t be coming back. What she doesn’t need to know is that I was screwing someone else behind her back before we split. Shit like that will make her angry and Summer is a bitch when provoked. After tonight It’ll probably for the best that we don’t contact each other unless through an attorney.

  Believe me when I say that there have been nights where I’ve done nothing but weigh up the pros and cons of our relationship. I loved Sum – well, I thought I did and maybe in some way I still do. It’s just that I see her more as a friend now than my lover and that’s probably where we went wrong. Coming out of the friend-zone into a deeper commitment that, while it seemed to be the right idea at the time, was wrong for us both. If we hadn’t married, then it could have saved us a lot of heartache down line. Our relationship had died a death a long time ago. There’s no way we could keep limping on with some false hope that everything would get better.

  I can’t see a way for things to improve - we barely see or speak to one another. I’m seeing another woman behind her back. What kind of marriage do I have when I’m lying to my wife each and every single day about what I’m doing and who I’m seeing? A crap one is the answer.

  Take last week for example, I told Summer that I was out with some guys from work. In truth, I met Rach’s parents for the first time at a family barbeque. She introduced me to everyone as her boyfriend. Is that a sign of a healthy relationship? Fuck no. I can’t live like this anymore.

  When I do go home, when I actually do see my wife, all she does is moan.

  ‘Where were you?’

  ‘What’s wrong?

  ‘Why didn’t you answer your mobile?’ FYI, I fucking hate it when she uses ‘mobile’ instead of cell. If you live in America, then fucking well use American words.

  ‘I want a baby.’

  It goes on and on and on and on.

  Christ, I’m beginning to sound like a broken record and yes, I’m a selfish bastard I’ll admit it but I don’t want to be married to her anymore. I want to party - not have to worry about kids, joint tax returns or about any of the shit that comes with pledging your life to someone else. I don’t want to settle into a comfortable, boring life, I want to live. That ladies and gentlemen is the cold hard truth.

  Looking back, I can’t remember why we decided to get married so young. Was it because I panicked at the thought of her returning to England and I’d lose her? That decision to marry, years later, has come back to bite me on my ass. The resentment I feel, slowly festering until I couldn’t take it anymore.

  I settled for Summer not thinking about what I actually wanted for me.

  What I didn’t want is someone who’s happy working a dead end job earning pennies while I work my ass off to make life better for us. I don’t want someone who prefers to stay in and watch movies or doesn’t want to try new shit in the bedroom because our sex life had become stale and boring. After being with someone as selfless as Rachel; someone who puts me, my wants and my desires first, who makes me hard just looking at her, who’ll drop to her knees in the stationary room as soon as I give the word. Rachel wants to go party, she acts her age – she’s fun, exciting, up for anything, she doesn’t want to be tied down with kids and shit. Summer is none of that.

  I realize that my ex and I were just coasting along, going nowhere. I know that I keep going on about this but Sum and I, well we don’t the same thing anymore. Or at least I don’t.

  It’s not like I haven’t argued with myself about whether or not I’m doing the right thing. There’s been many a night where I’ve gone out on a long run or I’ve lain in bed staring at the ceiling going back and forth over the situation I’ve put myself in.

  It’s same thing every time.

  I want to party.

  Summer doesn’t.

  I don’t want kids.

  Summer does.

  I feel stuck.

  Summer doesn’t.

  I want a wife who is happy to do the whole corporate ass licking that comes with my job.

  Summer hates anything like that.

  The list goes on.

  Even if I wanted to stop this thing with Rachel, I couldn’t. I’ve done so many things to hurt Sum that she’d never take me back now. Basically, I’ve fucked another woman, maybe fallen in in love with her in the process.

  Summer will never forgive me.

  If the shoe were on the other foot, she would have been booted out the door and I would never want to see her again.

  Yet, there’s this little voice at the back of my mind that won’t shut up. I don’t want to listen to what it has to say it, because I know that it’s telling me that I’m doing the wrong thing.

  After I lose sight of Summer, I start to walk back to the office knowing full well that I’m in for a heap load of shit for being late back. I can see Melodie as the elevator opens. The look disgust on her face doesn’t surprise me. She’s one of the many people who’ve barely spoken to me since I announced that I’ve separated from Summer. What those judgmental assholes don’t know is that I’m filing for divorce.

  I won’t say anything to anyone until the papers have been served.

  Anyway, what right have those jerks got to comment? I can think of several of the guys who have girlfriends on the side. Rachel though, she’s not a side piece. She’s the real-deal to me. If no one else can see it then….

  Even if I hadn’t met her, Summer and I would’ve split up anyway, it was inevitable. We aren’t suited for one another, anyway. Summer’s young, she’s beautiful - I have no doubt that she’ll soon find another man and then she’ll forget all about me.

  Why does the thought of that hurt so much?

  Yeah, yeah whatever - they can all butt the fuck out and that includes you voice in my head!

  None of my friends and colleagues, who are currently playing judge and jury, were living my life. They haven’t had to put up with a shitty marriage. So they should be over-friggin- joyed for me and Rach. We have a chance to be happy together without the pressures of marriage along the way.

  I pass Ben on the way to my office, the dick gives me two thumbs up. In return I discreetly give him the finger; which is probably not the best way for someone in senior management to behave. Except Ben’s an ass and deserves all he gets. As I walk past the first bank of desks I see Rachel talking to Zachary, the dickwad, at the water cooler. I say talking but the way she’s batting her eyelashes at him, I’d say more flirting with him.

  What the fuck?

  Zachary sees me approaching first. He straightens up and clears his throat causing Rachel to turn her head and look at me. Her face lighting up in a bright, beaming smile.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey.” I return her grin; lifting my chin to asshat while giving him a glare that would freeze Death Valley. I have to hide my smirk as Zach flinches and shrinks away from me.

  Yeah, move along motherfucker.

  “Um… so I’ll just get back to those reports then.” Zach stutters, pushing off the wall and walking past us.

  Rachel gives him a small smile, “thanks for your help, Zach.”

  “Yeah sure. No problem,” he mumbles. I breathe a sigh of relief as he leaves us.

  Pussy.

  “What was that about?”

  “What was what?” She asks narrowing her eyes.

  “You and Zach.”

  Rachel smirks, arching an eyebrow at me, “jealous?”

  “No.” She leans into me, placing her fingers on my torso and walking them up my chest.

  “Is little Alex jealous?” She mocks, pulling her lips into a sexy assed pout.

  My face must look like thunder as she starts laughing at me before leaning in a bit more so that she can whisper in my ear, “would you like me to make you feel better?”

  Just as I’m about to grab her hand and pull her into the nearest closest for a quick, stress relieving fumble, I catch sight of Pam, resident bitch and head of H.R. glaring at us. Remem
bering she said about being possibly getting fired, I reluctantly step away from Rachel.

  “I’ll have to get back to you on that one Miss. Slaine,” I say giving Rachel a pointed look.

  She looks back at Pam and sighs, stepping away as she turns to face me again; mouthing ‘coward.’ as she does.

  “So...um how did it go with Summer?” She asks.

  For some reason I start feel really uncomfortable talking to Rachel about what happened with Summer just now. I don’t want to give her any details, wanting to keep what was said, between Summer and me.

  “Not good,” hoping that Rachel will leave it at that. I hope I’m going to win the state lottery, that isn’t going to happen either.

  “Well, she’s bound to be upset. At least she knows now.” She smiles.

  “Yeah.”

  “Anyway, she’ll get over it. She’s just going to have face the fact that you’ve moved on. She’ll find someone else to fuck eventually. I’m sure that there’s some guy out there willing to take one for the team. Love is blind after all.” My temper starts to rise at the callousness of her words. I knew Rachel could be a bitch but she’d never openly criticized my wife before.

  “Shut the fuck up.” I growl, causing her to look at me in surprise. “Summer is a good woman, Rachel. She doesn’t deserve that crap from you. You should be happy that we’re together now, not bitching about my wife.”

  Where the hell did that come from?

  “Ex-wife,” she’s quick to point out. “And why do you care? You’re always whining about how your marriage was dead anyway.”

  “Wife, ex-wife, whatever. I care because she’s been in my life for a long time and she’s always been my friend. I’m with you now Rach, my future lies with you, but I don’t want to hear you talk crap about Summer again. Do you understand?”

  I know that I’m a hypocrite. It’s not like I ever wanted to hurt Summer, I just wanted be cut free to live my life how I want.