Life Without You

by S. P. West

  “So, what are we doing tonight?” She says huskily, blatantly ignoring what I’ve just said. “Hopefully it’ll be me again, stud.” She purrs - her smile wicked and full of promise. I know her game. She’s offering an evening of complete debauchery in an effort to seduce me out of my annoyance with her. For once, it’s not going to work.

  “We” I say gesturing between us, “are not going to be doing anything tonight, honey.”

  “Wha…” She starts to protest.

  “I’m,” I Interrupt her, “going over to the apartment to get the rest of my stuff and talk to Summer.”

  Rachel’s eyes flash with fury, she gives me a look of pure evil before plastering a fake smile on her face. “Do you want me to come with?” She asks me sweetly. “You know… for moral support?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “I could just sit outside in the car?”

  “It’s not a good idea.”

  “Why not?” She demands louder than I would like and enough to turn a few heads in the office our way.

  “Shhh, keep your voice down.”

  “Oh, I’m Sorry,” she says in a harsh whisper. “I just want to give my boyfriend some encouragement and help in what is a difficult time for him.”

  “Rach…” I reach out for her but she smacks my hand away.

  “I’m sorry I even offered,” Rachel hisses and stalks past me to her desk.

  Shit!

  Storming towards my office, I slam the door shut behind me. As soon as I sit down, I start hitting my head repeatedly against my desk,

  Just what the hell am I going to do? How the fuck has everything managed to go to crap in the space of an hour? How?

  I woke up this morning in what can only be described as an outstandingly awesome mood courtesy of a dawn suck and fuck. Right now, I’m feeling guilty as hell over Summer. Rachel is in a mood with me and a quick scan of my emails tells me that I’ve been called into another disciplinary meeting.

  Hoo-fuckin-ray.

  Christ I need a drink; no I need a bump just to get me through the rest of the day after the shit storm I’ve just been through.

  I have to get my life back in order, too much crap is up in the air at the moment. The sooner I get a divorce the sooner my life will get back on track. I have to talk to my attorney ASAP.

  I should speak to Summer about it first, if only so that she’s not blindsided when she gets served. I’ll admit that I’ve been a complete jerk avoiding her calls and messages. Anything she’s sent to me has been deleted without being read or listened to. She needs to understand that there’s no us anymore. There’s no way that we can save our relationship, as there’s nothing left to save.

  As they say, you need to be cruel to be kind or to put it another way it’s like ripping off a band aid. It’ll sting at first but the pain will soon stop.

  She’s probably found out by now that I’ve changed all my passwords and un-friended her on social media. I’ve essentially cut her off and out of my life.

  I hadn’t intended on speaking to Summer for a bit longer, well not until I was ready to file. Give her some time to get used to the new status quo; let the dust settle as it were.

  Up until twenty minutes ago my plan had worked. I hadn’t gotten in contact with Summer at all over the past week. Her coming to my office was totally from the left field. I still can’t quite get my head around why the fuck she here. What did she hope to achieve? Did she think that she would change my mind? That’s not going to happen anytime soon.

  Seeing her though… seeing her was a kick in the nuts. I didn’t expect to feel this crap about it and I definitely didn’t want her finding out about Rachel anytime soon.

  I suppose that I had better head home tonight to talk to Sum. See if I can make this a bit easier for her in anyway.

  Fuck it, I’ll head over there tonight. Grab my shit, tell her it’s over and leave. Yeah, that’ll do. If I tell Summer the truth now, then that will just hurt her. I may be a complete ass but I don’t want it to make things hard for her. A little creativity with the truth is okay, right? What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her and all that crap that people spout.

  A clean break is what we need.

  I take a moment to look at the photograph of me and Summer that still sits on my desk. It was taken on our honeymoon that we took in England. I wanted to head to Mexico for the two weeks but Summer insisted that we go to U.K and Europe.

  So we did.

  I pick the frame up to take a closer look at the picture.

  A younger, inanely grinning version of me stands in front of Stonehenge with my arms tightly wrapped around Summer. Her hair is piled high in a messy, blonde…what’d they call it? Bun? Whatever it is, her hair is piled high on the top of her head. It was an unusually sunny day that day, so you can’t see her eyes as they’re hidden behind a pair of Ray Bans.

  Before I realize what I am doing, I brush my fingers lightly over Summer’s face in a gentle caress. Tracing her delicate features. She looks so happy in the picture…. We look so happy in the picture. What happened to that completely in love couple? Where did that go?

  I don’t recognize the two people smiling madly back at me, they are strangers now.

  The sound of my cell ring brings me back to earth causing me to drop the picture frame on my desk as though it burnt me.

  Why the hell I still have it on my desk?

  In truth, I don’t know. What I do know is that it pisses Rachel off that I still have it on my desk. She makes such a fuss about it that I have to shove it into my desk drawer when she is in here just to keep the peace. Yet, after she leaves, I always place it back in its place by the monitor.

  I’ve left my wife but still have a picture of us on my desk. How do you explain that? Seriously, seriously seven shades of fucked up.

  Taking the chance to quickly glance at my cell I see that I have a call from Summer. She’s probably calling to tell me what time to get my ass round to the apartment this evening. If I was her I wouldn’t want my crap in the place either. I’d want all trace of me gone.

  Of course she’s probably not happy as she has to look for her own place and the way that she found out about me having a girlfriend today.

  If I play my cards right, I may be able to get away with telling Sum that I didn’t get together with Rachel until after we split. That should make it less painful for her.

  My mind is made up. I’ll head over top the apartment tonight and then first thing tomorrow I’ll contact that divorce attorney that Rach looked up for me and see out filing. There is no need to drag this out any longer than necessary.

  When I talk to Summer I’ll just have to make her see where I’m coming from. I want her, no, need her to understand that I’ve made my decision. I’m positive that divorce is the best thing for us. There is no going back. We are over, end of story

  I look up as someone raps briefly on my door before walking straight into my office. I start to chew whoever the fucker is out for just coming in like that, when I realize that that the fucker in question is Pam. She doesn’t look happy and she’s not alone. Behind her is Brad Kreiger, my direct boss, looking as pissed as Pam. Just as I’m about to open my mouth to ask them what the fuck they want, Pam holds up her hand to stop me.

  “Alex.” Her high pitched, nasally voice annoys the hell out of me. “We need to talk.”

  I do not fucking need this.

  “I’m busy. Can’t it wait?” To highlight my point, I sweep my arm out over the stacks of paper that cover my desk. I know I’m being rude but I just want them both the hell out of here.

  “No Alex, it can’t.” Brad’s deep voice resonates throughout the small space.

  “Okayyyy.” Settling back in to my ergonomic office chair with a profound air of arrogance. I place my hands behind my head and wait for them to speak.

  “How are you getting on Alex?” This came from Brad. I had a lot of time for my boss and mentor. He’s been guiding me since I got here often telling me that
I reminded him of how he used to be when he first started to work. I knew from the office grape vine that worked hard, played harder and it had eventually cost him his wife and kids. According to the man himself; the first Mrs. Kreiger had caught him in a very compromising position with his, then, much younger secretary. At the time they’d been married for ten years and were childhood sweethearts, marrying when both of them where 18. They also had another baby on the way. Brad and his wife were divorced by the end of the year and he married the secretary. His devastated ex-wife moved to Seattle with the kids

  His second marriage only lasted for a couple of months.

  Brad told me that after that he’s wined, dined and slept with every available woman (and a few unavailable ones) in the Bay area. He’d climbed Everest; sailed the Atlantic solo, trekked across the Sahara. Brad did it all until a few short years ago at the age of 37 when he had an accident while skiing in Aspen. He was in a coma for two days. He told me that there was nothing worse than waking up from the accident and realizing that no one was there holding his hand, telling him that it would be alright.

  It made him evaluate all the choices that he had made in his life up until that point and the man he had become. He didn’t like what he saw.

  Brad didn’t tell me what happened after that but I do know that he reconnected with his first wife. They remarried and last year at the age of 40, had twins and he’s never been happier.

  I’ve never asked him what made him get back together with his ex-wife or how he convinced her to forgive him. None of my fucking business.

  I just wish that he wouldn’t poke in his nose into mine.

  “Alex?” His query snaps me out of my musings.

  “Yes?”

  “I asked how you are getting on.”

  “Great, just busy.” I nod at my desk “So, if you’ll excuse me.”

  “I don’t mean about work, Alex.” I take my time to look at Brad and Pam both of them looking at me with sympathy. “May we sit down?”

  I want to say no, fuck off and leave me alone. I figure that I’m in enough shit as it is. This will only add to the list.

  “Sure.” Pam takes the seat to the left and takes of her glasses. I note that despite asking me if he can sit down, Brad remains standing, arms crossed in front of him. “Is this an official visit?”

  Pam flinches at my icy tone but says nothing. “Do I need to get some form of representation? If not, I’ll ask you again. Why are you here?”

  I know I’m being rude and I know that I’m already on thin ice regarding my position here. They have caught me at the worst possible time during the worst hour of my life.

  Shit!

  Why the hell did Summer have to come here? She’s managed to ruin everything just by turning up at my office. Did she not understand the ‘we’re over’? What did she hope to achieve fucking with my head?

  My life is a shit storm and now these two are here to no ‘talk’ to me no doubt. Not that Pam and Brad know the crap I’m currently facing. Well, they want to talk to me and I want to take my anger and frustration out on someone. Perfect! These two have just unwittingly taken the job.

  I’ll give her credit; Pam recovers quickly from my curtness. Plastering that smug smile that she always wears when she’s above to deliver some profoundly crap news. Bitch.

  I notice the muscles in Brads crossed arms tense, his jaw is clenched and as he glares at me from his position by the door. The normally friendly, happy Brad is gone. The one that is standing in front of me is not someone who I’ve seen before. For the first time since they came into the office I start feel the first flicker of concern.

  “I’ll cut to the chase Alex.” Pam places the file that she’d holding onto my desk in front of me.

  “We’ve had several complaints regarding your recent behavior.” I draw my gaze from Brad and look directly into Pam’s insipid blue eyes causing her to blush and to look away.

  “What have people been saying?”

  Pam clears her throat and looks back to me. “There have been allegations regarding an inappropriate relationship developing with another staff member. As you know there is a strict policy against inter-office romances….”

  “Who?” I demand and half jump up out of my seat making Pam jump. “Who fed you this bullshit?”

  Brad pushes himself away from the door and takes the seat next to Pam, still with his aggressive stance. “Sit down Alex.” The command in his voice brings me to my senses. I sit back down, my shoulders sagging in defeat. As I realize that I’m making an already bad situation, worse.

  “You know we can’t tell you that,” Pam continues gently, “What I can tell you that it has come from several sources. There have been other allegations made against you. Ones that are serious enough that we need to investigate them.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Pam looks embarrassed and looks to Brad, who nods his head in agreement.

  “Normally we wouldn’t take this course of action and before I say anything else I want to say that I’m sorry that it has come to this Alex but…. but we are going to have to suspend you until the matter has been thoroughly investigated.”

  Not what I was expecting.

  “What?! Why? I’m being fired?” The words tumble out of my mouth before I can stop them.

  “No.” Pam responds not unkindly, shaking her head so that her 60’s style gray beehive wobbles on the top of her head like a plate of Jell-O. “No, you’re not being fired. However, we need to look into these allegations as thoroughly as we can.”

  “They were deemed serious enough that we have no other options open to us Alex.” Brad chimes in.

  My mouth drops open in a perfect ‘O’, I’m so stunned that I can’t find the words to respond.

  “Also your performance of late has been…” He looks down at the desk as if trying to find the right words, then back up to me. His drak brown eyes searching mine as if looking for answers. “Let’s just say that it’s been noticed that you’ve not really had your mind on your job. I know that you have been under a great deal of stress lately.” He continues, “Maybe use this as an opportunity to try and get your head together. We don’t want to lose you Alex, but you have to understand that’s the way it’s going.”

  “Brad!” Pam exclaims frantically signaling for him to shut the hell up.

  “No Pam, he has to hear this.”

  “It’s not…”

  “Screw office policy,” Brad states giving her a hard glare and then turning his attention back to me. “I like you Alex. I always have. You remind me of me when I was younger. So you’ll forgive me when I tell you that I can see exactly you are heading. You’re going down the same dark path of destruction that I went on. I just don’t think that you realize it yet.”

  “Bra…”

  “I want to help you Alex, I really do, I don’t think that you’re ready to hear what I have to say. I think that you’re going to have to hit rock bottom before you pull your head out of your ass. I won’t judge you whatever choice you make but please, for your own sake, don’t make the wrong one.” He clearly isn’t talking my job anymore. “When you’re ready to talk to me about anything... everything, whether that’s in the next few days or even next few months, I’ll be here to listen.”

  “How long am I suspended for?” I ask finally coming out of my stunned stupor, tactfully choosing to ignore Brad’s warning.

  Pam is staring at Brad in opened mouthed disbelief before gathering her wits about her.

  “On full pay and until further notice.” Whatever fight I had leaves me. Today has been a crock of shit.

  “When does it start?” Even to my ears, I sound defeated.

  “With immediate effect.”

  I can see member of my team through the glass panels of the door to my office, all of them taking a keen interest as to what is happening behind the closed door. My cell buzzes in my pocket, no doubt one of the assholes sending me a text to see what’s going on. Vultures.

>   “Hopefully, we’ll have this all cleared up in a few days.” Pam, the bitch, smirks at me before walking out of the door.

  “Alex, I meant what I said. Use this time to sort your head out.” Brad smiles at me sadly before following her.

  Well, fuck my life.

  SUMMER

  I PLACE MY FINGERS in my ears to drown out the noise of the incessant banging on my locked bedroom door.

  “Summer?”

  The door handle starts to rattle as Violet tries in vain to gain access to my room.

  “Summer, open the bloody door!”

  Next comes the thump of her shoulder hitting the wood as she throws herself against the solid oak door, followed swiftly by the loud exclamation of “Ow!”

  A minute later I hear her say, “Jesus fucking Christ, that hurt like a bitch.” to herself and for the first time since I left Alex earlier, I find myself smiling.

  “Summer, don’t make me call the police or…or…the fire brigade!”

  “Leave me alone!”

  “Sum, please, please open the door.”

  “No.”

  “Don’t do this Sum, don’t hide yourself away. Just come out and tell me what happened. Please. Did you speak to Alex?” I almost relent at the sound of her desperate plea but her endless questions are getting on my last nerves, strengthening my resolve to not come out of the room.

  “Please leave just me alone, Vi.” It comes out almost as a sob. “I’ll come out later, I promise.” I hear her sigh as she finally gets the message.

  “Okay, I’ll leave you be for now. Shout if you need anything.” She says through the door before I hear her walk away.

  I’d been shut away in my bedroom, sobbing, for the past few hours. I’d headed there straight after I came home from seeing Alex. I didn’t say a word to Vi as I flew through my front door, ignoring the horrified look on her face and her demands for me to tell her what had happened. Instead, I headed to my room, slamming the door behind me and turning the key so that the no one could get in to disturb me in my grief. After that, with the soundtrack of Violet pounding on my bedroom door begging to be let in, I threw myself face down on the bed not caring at that moment whether I lived or died. All I wanted to do was to be left alone; to hide myself away from the outside world and my new, cruel reality.