Life Without You

by S. P. West

  My jaw drops in surprise; I don’t remember her ever being this feisty.

  “So no spanking?”

  I have the fleeting image of Summer in a tight PVC cat suit, wielding a whip as I’m handcuffed to a desk. Damn, that hard-on just got harder.

  Her eyes narrow in annoyance, “I mean it Alex,” she growls.

  “Not even a little bit?”

  I rub my hand over my chin as I try to hide the shit eating grin that I just know is plastered on my face.

  “I’ll walk,” she answers with the fakest smile I’ve ever seen.

  “Okay, I get it– no sex, no touchy feely, no cutesy names and definitely no spanking.”

  “Yes.”

  “Jeeze, when did you get so boring?”

  “When my ex-husband, who is currently in a hospital after a serious car accident, left me for another fucking woman.” She says dryly.

  “Touché!”

  “Am I going to start or are you?” She asks, using that fake grin again. She doesn’t want to be here, with me.

  “How are you?”

  “Good, I’m good Alex.”

  “Are you happy?”

  “Yes,” she says with a nod her head.

  “Married?”

  “No.”

  “Kids?”

  “No.” Her lips twitch as she tries to suppress a smile.

  “Dating anyone?”

  “Nope and it’s none of your business.” Summer arches her eyebrow at me, daring me to go on.

  “You?”

  “Me what?”

  “Married and or dating, kids?”

  “You mean my mom hasn’t told you all about my woeful love life? Well I’m shocked!” I laugh placing my hand on my chest in mock surprise abandoning the game.

  “She may have told me a few things.” She teases, her eyes warm. Just like that, it’s like it used to be before the shitstorm that our marriage became. “So are you?” She continues.

  “I’m sure you know already.”

  “I want to hear it from you.”

  “No, no and no way.” I’m pleasantly surprised that she hasn’t gone for my balls yet. Summer flashes me a brief smile before seeming to catch herself. The warmth of earlier drains from her face, replaced by glacial iciness. The barrier is back again.

  The awkward silence of before seems to last longer this time. She seems to be assessing me for some unknown test, as her eyes rake over me. It is only when she finishes her inspection of me, that she gives a tight smile before moving to stand.

  “I only came by to see how you are Alex. I’m glad you’re okay.”

  “Please stay, just for a little bit.” I beg, desperate to bask in her presence for a just that while longer.

  “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “Why on earth not?” To my own ears I sound like a whiny bitch.

  “Because seeing you…still hurts.” She says as she starts to back away.

  “Summer.” I try to reach out for her but she manages to evade my grasp, her back hits the wall.

  “No Alex. Just no.” The look on her face says it all. It dawns on me that she’s scared. After what I did to her, she’s frightened to let me into her life. I try to move off of the bed, the sudden pain that sears down my left side forces me to stay put. I need to be able to get off this fucking bed; I need to comfort, to let her know that I am so sorry for what I did. I want her in my arms, never letting go.

  I can see the pain that I caused her in her eyes. “Look,” she continues as she edges her way to the door, “I’m happy to see that you are getting better but this was a mistake. A huge mistake. I was stupid to think that I could do this. After what you did to me.”

  “I promise If I could take it back I would, if I could turn back time. I’m so, so sor--…”

  “Don’t!” She snaps, anger radiates off her. “Don’t you dare say sorry. Sorry won’t begin cover it. Where was that bloody sorry when I needed it?” I watch on helplessly as she gets up and begins to pace the small room. Part of me just wants to hold her, to sooth her until the anger is gone; I’ve waited so long to apologize for being a shitty, cheating asshole of a husband. Maybe I’ve waited too long. The other part of me knows that Summer is a viper when she’s upset and angry. Do I stir the vipers nest?

  “Do you even know how much you hurt me? DO YOU?”

  That would be a big fat no then.

  “Or how many nights I lay awake while my brain tormented me with images of you having sex with that slut? My husband. The man who promised me forever? To love, honor and cherish? The one who shagged another woman because I wasn’t good enough.” She stops, her shoulders drop in defeat. “Because I wasn’t good enough for you.” She almost whispers as she turns to face me. “Why did you do it Alex? Why couldn’t you tell me you were unhappy? Why did you have to hurt me like that? What did I ever do to you?” She looks at me expectantly.

  “Nothing, Summer. You did nothing wrong. I was the one who fucked up, not you. Never you.” She opens her mouth to say something, I hold up my hand to stop her, “Please.” I ask, talking to her as though talking to a scared child. “Please let me finish.” She huffs, leaning against the wall. “Thank you.” I scrub my hand over my face, feeling the three-day growth that has formed since I last got the chance to shave and sigh. Where the hell do I start?

  “You were always good for me Sum. Don’t ever think you weren’t. I’m the screw up okay? Me. I should have told you when it started getting too much... I thought I could handle it myself. Turns out that I’m no better than my asshole father.” My laugh is humorless. I chance a look at Summer, her eyes are hard as she glares at me. I doubt that anything I say will make it right but I have to try. “Truth is I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing.” Summer snorts. “No, it’s true,” I answer. “I was… shit. I was into drugs.”

  “No shit Sherlock,” she mutters, I choose to ignore it and carry on.

  “It was only after our divorce came through that I started to come to my senses.” She doesn’t say a word, just continues to stare at me, I can’t mistake the look in her eyes though, she’s daring me to go on, “I lost my job, I realized that Rachel…” Summer flinches at the mention of her name though she doesn’t say anything, “Let’s just say that it shouldn’t have ever happened in the first place. It was wrong, everything about it was wrong. What I said to you was cruel. My heart never belonged to her, you know? It was when I got my head out of my ass that I realized that I’d thrown away the best thing in my life. She was never the love of my life, it’s only ever and will only ever be you.” Summer remains silent as I tell her everything that had been on my mind over the past few years.

  I chance a look at her only to see that she is now giving me a death glare, I’d kind of expected her to soften a little towards me. I mean, from what my mom told me, Summer has sat at my bedside every day that I was unconscious. That must mean she still cares for me in some way, right? I decide to press on with my confession, already the relief of getting the chance to talk to Sum makes me feel a bit lighter.

  “I, uh, I found the scrapbook you made,” she continues with the death-glare, throwing in an arched an eyebrow for effect. The fact that she’s not saying anything is a bit disconcerting, but I have to tell her. She may never take me back, at least I’ll have told her how damn sorry I am. Maybe, one day, we could be friends again.

  And pigs might fly

  “Yeah so, I found that, I still have it. Been adding to it. Anyway, seeing it kind of brought a few things home to me.” I say with a shuddering breath, “I ended up nearly throwing myself of a cliff…literally. Someone stopped me before I could.” I can’t look at her as I confess my darkest secrets to her, I know that she heard me though as she gasps in horror. “The guy who stopped me, saved my life. He helped me turn my life around… he’s a great guy. You’d like him if you met him.” I raise my hand to scratch the back of head. The truth is that I’ve hardly told anyone about that night, only Joe and Becks knew what had happ
ened.

  “He helped me get clean. Gave me job, now we’re here and it took me nearly dying and losing my best friend to be able to tell you this. Even if you never talk to me again, I need you to know that I’m sorry for everything. For destroying our marriage, for hurting you. I loved you so much Summer. I’m so fucking sorry that I lost sight of that.”

  I risk a look at Summer to see that she is wiping away tears.

  “I lost so much because of you.” Her voice is sad and I long to reach out to take her hands in mine but I lost that right a long time ago, “I don’t think you’ll ever understand just how much.”

  “Then tell me.”

  “What difference would it make telling you now Alex? We’ve both moved on with our lives.”

  “I want to know.”

  “There’s no point. What’s in the past needs to stay there, it will only hurt re-opening old wounds.”

  “Please. Humor me.”

  She lets out a long sigh, “I’m heading home soon, Alex. My flight is booked for a couple of days’ time. For the first time in years I can think of you without wanting to punch you in the nuts.”

  “Thanks, I think.”

  “What you did still hurts. Continuing to drag up the past will do nothing but hurt us both.”

  I can’t understand why she won’t give me a straight answer. Maybe it’s Summer’s evasive answers. Maybe it’s being cooped up in here, not recovering as fast as I want. Maybe it’s the fact that Becks is gone. Or it could be all of them together, I can feel the annoyance and frustration starting to get to me.

  “How can I begin to try and make thinks right between us if you won’t talk to me?” I bite out. “Just fucking tell me what you lost because of me. I mean what I say, I’m sorry for everything that happened and I want to make it better between us. I’m not going to lie Summer, I promise. I’m done with that shit but I need to know there is a chance for us. You and me we belong together,” I rub my hands down my face in frustration and let out a long sigh, I seem to be making things worse, not better, “and deep down, you know that too.

  “You arrogant prick!”

  Nothing I say is coming out like I want it to. Even to my own ears I sound like a lame assed ‘me Tarzan, you Jane’ dunderhead. Maybe I should change my approach, not be so full on.

  “Let me know that there is a chance that you can, maybe one day, forgive me.” I beg, being about as subtle as an explosion in a crayon factory. From the look on her face, I can see that my plea is falling on deaf ears. I start counting the second until she goes nuclear on my ass.

  Three, two, one….

  “Unbelievable! You really are a piece of work; you know that?” She hisses. “If you want forgiveness, then go to a fucking church!”

  “Will you just listen to me for fucks sake?” I growl. This really isn’t going well.

  “Why should I? In fact, you’ve had enough of my time. This conversation is over.” She pushes away from the wall, stalking towards the door, taking a large breath before turning back around to face me. “I came to say goodbye before I head home, Alex. God knows why I bothered.”

  “Because you care?” My sarcastic comment is out before I can stop myself, causing her face to turn red with anger.

  “No, no I really don’t. To be honest I felt sorry for you. Sorry that you had been in an accident, sorry that you’d lost your friend, sorry for your mum. This was a mistake.” She storms, wrenching open the door. She pauses at the door “Oh and by the way, I found out I was pregnant around the time I found out you were cheating.”

  Pregnant? What? Wait…

  I sit in stunned silence as she continues talking in an oddly detached way. “You don’t have to worry about me chasing you for child support, I haven’t got our child stashed away somewhere before you say anything.” She hangs her head, the fighting spirit I saw earlier drains away before my eyes, “It turned out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I would have lost the baby anyway; finding out your husband had been shagging someone else and had taken her on vacation only hastened the process.”

  It feels like I’ve been punched in the gut, a pain radiates out starts to form in my chest and I’m too stunned to speak.

  “You asked me to forgive you Alex, but I need to tell you this so that you know. I thought I could forgive you, in all honesty I thought I had, yet just standing here talking to you I’m not so sure. Perhaps my head has. Not deep down, not in my heart. I don’t know if I ever will.”

  When I finally find my voice, it comes out as a low growl. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

  “I came to tell you; do you remember? It was the day I caught you with your girlfriend.” Shame floods through me at the memory. I was such a dick to her back then. No wonder she didn’t say anything.

  “Was that why you were in the hospital that time?”

  She nods her head.

  I close my eyes trying to calm myself. “Jesus Sum…I’m so sorry.” I’ve got so much shit to make up for, I don’t know where to start.

  “I know.” She sighs heavily. “Can you see now why I can’t be with you? I would always be looking over my shoulder, never able to trust you. I don’t want to live like that.”

  “I’m not that guy anymore, baby. I promise you that I’m not.” I move gingerly to get off the bed and limp towards her. My muscles burn and I feel exhausted, but I have to let her know that I’m serious. I want her back and I need to know if she wants the same thing.

  Summer turns to face me; a pained look on her face that I’m sure matches my own. It turns to bewilderment as I gently cup her chin with my good hand. I know that this is the worst idea that I’ve had in a long time, I’ve got to try. I have to make her see that I mean what I say.

  “I know that I’ve hurt you. I know that nothing I do or say will ever make up for that,” I say as I tuck a stray hair behind her ears, happy that she doesn’t push my hand away. “I wouldn’t expect you to ever forget how much I fucked up. I just want the chance to show you that I’ve changed, that I can be the man you deserve, not the asshole you ended up with.”

  “Alex…”

  “Just hear me out Sum.” My hand caresses her cheek as I gaze directly into her defiant green eyes. “Please.”

  Summer slowly nods her head in agreement. Agonizing pain radiates from my back and my legs, I need to sit back down but I dare not move. This is too important.

  I’m scared that If I move, Summer will bolt out the door. Taking a deep breath to try and control the pain, I try to find what are perhaps the most important words that I will ever say.

  “I. God this is so hard. I...” To her credit, Summer doesn't move while I fumble what I want to say. She waits patiently while I try to get the right words out. “Waking up in a hospital bed, with only the ceiling to look at really gives a guy a chance to think, you know? And I’ve done a lot of thinking.” The edge of her mouth almost lifts up into a smile then she seems to think the better of it. Taking it as a sign I keep going, “I thought a lot about Becks, Lyssa, mom… you. About where am in my life, what I’ve done with it and how I ended up here.” In an effort to make my point, I wave my hand at the sterile hospital walls that have been my home for the last month. “I can’t understand why I got a second chance. Why I’ve survived when it should have been Becks.” I have to look away as I try to reign my emotions back in, “it’s...it’s not fair that I’m still here and he’s not, I don’t deserve to be. It’s me that should have been buried. Not him.”

  “Don’t think that, don’t ever think that,” she gently chastises, placing a small, delicate hand on my bicep. “It was an accident Alex. A tragic, tragic accident.”

  “It should have been me… life isn’t fair.” I’m desperately holding my emotions back, trying not to break down.

  “No it’s not,” she sighs. “You get up, dust yourself off and carry on.” Her hand moves to my face, it’s something that she’d done thousands of times during our marriage, a subconscious gesture of comfort. I’d alw
ays taken it for granted, never realizing until now just how much I missed it. It takes everything in me not to kiss her palm. “Becks would be gutted to hear you talk like this. He loved you.” I close my eyes and relish the gentle touch of her hand. “There are so many that love you Alex, so many that would miss you. The number of people who sent your mum well-wishes and came to see you while you were unconscious… Please don’t…do not ever say something like that again.” Her voice waivers, “It’s not fair that he was taken from us so soon, nothing will ever make that okay, but there is a little boy out there who needs you. Baby William will need your guidance and your memories of his father.”

  I open my eyes to find her staring at me, there is no hate in her gaze, only a soft almost affectionate look which is surprising. Her fingers trace over my cheek, moving down to the back of my ear. I close my eyes again at her caress. Lightning bolts of want and lust send the blood straight to my groin.

  For brief moment, I’m able to fool myself that we’ve gone back in time – before the accident, before I screwed up. A time when we were happy, when we were just us. In this beautiful moment, I can forget everything else because it’s just her and me. Nothing else matters.

  “I want you to know,” I move my hand from her cheek, taking it in mine, “that I’ve always regretted losing you. It was the single most stupid thing I’ve ever done in my life. I lost you because I was a jackass…”

  “You cheated Alex.” Her voice finds it strength and passion; her eyes blaze with sudden anger. If I know Summer, then right about now she’s willing me to come up with some bullshit excuse for my actions. She’s waiting to pounce.

  “I know.”

  “You promised to love me and to cherish me, forever.”

  “I know.”

  “Did you ever love me?”

  “I always loved you.”

  “Even when you were balls deep in someone else?”

  Totally fair, but ouch. “Even then.”

  “Lying git.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “So you keep saying.”