Life Without You

by S. P. West

  “I really am, Summer. If there was a way to make it up to you….”

  “You took her to Maui.” Oh shit, I did. Fuck.

  “That was…I have no excuses for what I did,” I manage to stutter.

  “You told her you loved her.” She continues, “that it was a mistake to marry me.”

  “I was wrong, baby.”

  “You lied to me. Not once, not twice but every single bloody day while you carried on with your…your affair.”

  Our heads are so close that they are almost touching; her eyes are full of sadness. It hurts to see the pain that my actions caused.

  “I promise that I will never hurt you again.”

  “Was she worth it Alex? Was any of the hurt worth it?”

  “No,” I answer quietly.

  “Then why the hell did you do it?”

  “I keep asking myself that same question every day.” I take a stray strand of her hair and begin to wrap it around my index finger. She closes her briefly and leans into my touch. I’m so close that I can see each freckle that dusts her nose. When she opens her gold flecked eyes again they shine with tears that threaten fall.

  God, she’s so beautiful, why did I ever let her go?

  A single tear trickles down Summer cheek, “I can’t love you again, for my own sanity. I just can’t do it.” She bites her bottom lip and looks to the floor; gently I lift her chin with my free hand so that she is looking at me again.

  “I swear I won’t hurt you again. We can take it slow or,” and as much as it pains me to say it, “we could try and be friends.”

  She lets out an unladylike snort, “why is this important to you? It’s been over three years Alex.”

  “Because I realized a long time ago that you are it for me. Nothing and no one will ever compare to you. I was too stupid and blind to see it.” I can see from her expression that she is beginning to soften. I need to tread carefully; one wrong word and our delicate truce could break down.

  “Say that we do try to repair the damage, what’s to stop you from doing the same thing again?” She takes my hand in hers, looking down as she plays with my fingers. I take that as a good sign.

  “Believe me, baby, I’ve learnt my lesson, it won’t happen. I won’t allow it to. The pain of losing you… I can’t do that again.” My heart skips a beat when she looks at me as she places her hand on my chest. “For some reason, somebody wanted me to have second chance, I’m not going to blow it this time. I still I don’t deserve you, I probably never will.”

  “It won’t be the same,” she begins to protest.

  “Then we build something new, something better.”

  “I live half way across the world away from you.”

  “Then I’ll move.”

  “I’ve built a life Alex, a life without you. I won’t give that up.”

  “And I don’t want you to.”

  “Wh--” I cut off her question by placing a finger on her lips as I lean in to whisper in her ear.

  “I’m just a guy hoping that a pretty British girl will give him the time of day.” It was the first thing I said to her all those years ago. She gasps yet doesn’t protest as I place a gentle kiss on her earlobe, it gives me courage to continue as I kiss my way down her neck.

  Somewhere in my mind is a mini version of me banging on my eyeballs, horrified, as the events happen. Kind of like that kids flick. Mini me is screaming ‘don’t do it motherfucker! Don’t go there.’ Stupidly, as on many other occasions, I chose to ignore mini-me. I’m done keeping my distance. My dick comes to life again, getting harder as each soft kiss causes her to groan.

  I need to taste her.

  Her lips part in surprise; her breath comes in small pants as I move my kisses to her naturally cherry-stained lips. Summer tries to pull away but I keep my mouth on hers running my tongue along the seam of her lips before, finally, she parts them further allowing my tongue entrance.

  Tentatively, my tongue meets hers. It’s fucking hard to reign myself in. Just from this one kiss, I feel alive. It’s like I’ve been dead inside all these years. Just touching her, tasting her has brought me back to life. She quenches my thirst like an oasis in the desert. I long for more, I just don’t want to screw this up by pushing her too far too soon. I need her back in my life – as my partner, my wife, as the mother of my kids, but if I know that if I come on too heavy there’s a chance that she’ll run.

  How the fuck did I ever give her up in the first place?

  Just as I’m about to deepen the kiss further, Summer finally comes to her senses. I feel her loosen as pushes me away from her. Her face is screwed up in disgust and her eyes are full of fire. A resounding thwack fills the air as she slaps me across the face. I stand there, rubbing my cheek where she hit as I try to hide my smile.

  “What the fuck Alex! What the bloody hell did you kiss me for?” Deciding that keeping silent instead of pointing out that she kissed me back is probably the way to go. I let her continue her tirade. “You’re out of order. You know that?” A rose-colored blush graces her cheeks, making her look adorably bashful. For all the fire aimed at me right at this moment, her dilated pupils betray her, as it means that she was just as affected by the kiss as me. “Why are you smirking dickhead?”

  “I’m not,” I say holding up my hands in surrender, unable to cover my grin. For now, everything else has been forgotten – the past and the present, I can see the future and it gives me hope.

  “Yes you are! YOU,” she says poking me in the chest, “took advantage of me and my good nature.”

  “I would say it was mutual.”

  “And to think that I was feeling sorry for you. Well screw you, I’m going home.”

  “Please stay. At least little while longer. We can get to know each other again, take it slow like I said…”

  “No.” Summer shakes her head, “you almost destroyed me last time. You didn’t give our marriage a second chance. You walked away without so much as a backwards glance, to something new and more exciting. I can’t do that again.”

  “Let me show you I’ve changed. I promise I’m not that guy anymore. I won’t hurt you again. I’ve just got you back in my life Summer; being apart from you left a fucking great hole in my heart. It’s never healed.” Her hand stills mid-air as she reaches for the door handle, “I tried all sorts of things to make me forget, I’ve kept my distance because I thought it would make you happy. I thought you’d move on… it would have killed me to know that you had, seeing you here... knowing that you’ve sat on my bed…. touching you just now. I know I can’t lose you again. I won’t lose you again.”

  Summer stares at me for several painful minutes, not saying a word before she leans forward, brushing her lips against mine, “Goodbye Alex,” is the last thing she says as walks back out of my life.

  SUMMER

  “SO, WHAT’S TWAT-WAFFLE got you this time?” Vi asks, pointing at the large parcel sitting on the workbench. The one that I’d been ignoring since it had been delivered to the shop this morning. “Please say he got you the Alien dildo, the one that lays the eggs in you.”

  I give her what can only be described as a ‘what the fuck!’ face and snort in disgust.

  “Why don’t you open it and have a look?”

  “Ooo ooo! Can I, can I?” She actually jumps up and down clapping her hands like a restless seven-year-old. At least one of us is excited at the prospect. I was going to take it to the beach then place an anonymous call to the bomb squad. Let them blow the bloody thing up.

  “Of course, it could be a kitten. Shit! How long has it been sitting here, the poor thing might be dead by now.” She says it more to herself than to me as she begins to open the package without a care as to what is in there. “Well that’s a bit bollocks,” she exclaims, pulling out the offending article. I purposely choose to ignore her and carrying on trying to balance the books.

  “Don’t you even want to look?”

  “Nope.”

  “Not even to take a t
incy wincy little peaky?” She says wafting the offending item in my face.

  “Nope.”

  “It’s actually really, really nice.”

  “Burn it,” I say not taking my eyes off of the computer screen.

  “God, you’re bitchy today.”

  “And you are acting like a sweary, over grown teenager. So now you owe at least twenty quid to the swear box.”

  She blows a raspberry in my ear then stomps across the room, throwing herself on the hideous neon pink cow print armchair that she picked up from a flea market.

  “It perfectly complements the make-up he sent and the shoes. Oh my god, the shoes were to die for.” I pick up the nearest object to hand and hurl it in her general direction. Fortunately for me, and my currently non-existent criminal record, it was only a bit of Blu Tac covered with tinsel from last Christmas. Of course, Little Miss Drama Queen decides differently.

  “You could have taken my eye out,” Vi wails, “seriously Sum…”

  “Desperate times call for desperate measures,” I counter, as I add some figures to the spreadsheet in front of me.

  “Secretly, very, very, very, very, very, very deep down, you’re flattered.”

  “I really am not.”

  “Yes you are.” The ball of Blu Tac sails past my ear hitting the wall with a thud. “I saw you clutch that really crap piece of poetry he wrote you to your chest after you read it.”

  “It was sweet.”

  “And your face when you received that necklace that belonged to his Grandma.”

  “That was lovely.” I have to concede.

  “The ‘I’m sorry’ balloons were a nice touch.”

  “Yup.”

  “Arranging for that guy to serenade you with Please Forgive Me was a bit creepy though.”

  “I thought that was lovely.”

  “And those little messages he sends you every day.”

  “They are--” I start to answer before I realize what she actually said. “What the fuck are you doing reading my messages?”

  “He hasn’t sent you a picture of his knob again has he?”

  “NO!” He has, but I’m not about to admit to Violet that I’ve been sexting my ex. I’m mortified as it is that she’s read my emails the nosy moo. “What do you mean by again? In fact, how the hell do you know he sent me that? Have you been poking your nose where it shouldn’t be?” I give her my best Paddington Bear stare and an evil scowl for good measure.

  “Couldn’t help it when you added me to your conversation.”

  “What?”

  “Your group messaging app?”

  “For pity’s sake there’s no way in the world that I’d added you.”

  “You’re not going to deny it then,” she says with a smirk.

  Bitch.

  The realization suddenly hits, “You. Hacked. Me.” I gasp with indignation as I hold one hand to my heart while pointing at her with the other.

  “Puh-leeeese.” Vi rests her head over the back of the chair, “As if I would.”

  “You’ve read them.”

  “Not my fault if you added me.”

  “They were private.” Great, now I’m whining…

  “Quite frankly I need eye-bleach,” she says pushing herself off the monstrous abomination that she won’t let me throw out.

  “Please tell me that you didn’t read all off them?”

  “If he wasn’t such a fuckwit then I’d be impressed by the size of his junk. I’d really hoped that his willy had turned green and fallen off.”

  “Oh god…” I groan, putting my head in my hands.

  “He’s going all out to win you back, isn’t he?” She says, perching herself on the desk beside me, her tone suddenly serious. “Just promise me you’ll be careful, Sum. I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

  “It’s not serious Vi,” my voice is muffled from behind my hands.

  “Uh huh.” I peek at her from between my fingers. The little witch isn’t even looking at me instead studying her nails with a grimace.

  “It’s just a bit of fun.” I don’t sound convincing, not even to myself.

  “Just promise me you’ll be careful.”

  “I am being careful.”

  “That motherfucker hurt you Sum. He walked away from you once, he can do it again.”

  “I know,” I say taking her hand in mine and giving it a quick squeeze. “and I won’t let him hurt me.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise.”

  It’s been four months since I’d last seen Alex at the hospital.

  Violet had stayed for a couple weeks after the accident, returning to take over from Seth who’d been looking after the Brighton store in our absence. To be honest, it was a good thing that she came back when she did. Another two weeks and we wouldn’t have had a business left. As much as I’m grateful to him; I’ve decided that while my brother has many talents, running a shop definitely isn’t one of them.

  I’d stayed on a bit longer; wanting to help Lyssa with Will as much as I could before my ninety days in the U.S. were up. Will, bless him, is thriving. He looks so much like his daddy that it breaks your heart. He’s a gorgeous, smiley little man despite the trauma surrounding his birth. He’s still a bit on the small side, but everyone keeps saying how well he is doing. He’s also out of hospital now, which is fantastic news. I get to see him regularly when I FaceTime Lyssa. I swear he gets more and more handsome each time. I cannot wait to see him to give him a cuddle – Aunty Summer needs her hug time.

  I wish I could say that Lyssa is getting better; physically she’s fine…

  I know that she is seeing a therapist weekly, which is helping, and that she has met up with some other people who have been widowed. We talk daily on some form of social media and we hold those regular video chats. I wish I could be there with her every day.

  Where once she was full of vitality and passion, now you see a woman haunted with grief.

  She misses Becks; she misses the love of her life.

  It hurts to say this but I think that she lives for one reason only; Will. That beautiful little boy gives her strength. Maybe, one day, he’ll help her heart heal.

  All we can do is hope.

  As for Alex, well, he seems to be under the impression that I want to get back together with him. That or he’s a bit delusional… I’m undecided. As Violet has taken great delight in pointing out, and I’ll admit that technically, it’s my own fault. I shouldn’t have kissed him back like I did. I should have walked away.

  Yet I didn’t.

  I’m not sorry though.

  That kiss was something else; a knicker-wetting-make-you-weak-at-the-knees kind of something else. It kind of made me realize what I’d been missing these past few years.

  Sex. Actually, that’s a lie as I’ve not exactly been celibate. I’d thought Dean had been good in bed, however, he was average compared to Alex. All it took me was one kiss and some sexy fun-time over the internet to realize what I’d been missing out on.

  Alex, for all his faults, is or rather was, extremely good in bed.

  I had hoped that he’d catch some disease from the skank he cheated on me with and that his dick had shriveled up. Alas, the fact that his rock hard cock pressed against my thigh as he kissed me kind of clued me in to the fact that my wish hadn’t been granted. What I wasn’t expecting was the rush of lust I felt when he stuck his tongue down my throat. I have no idea where the image of him dropping to his knees and sticking his tongue somewhere else came from. I’ve spent a lot of time replaying that kiss in my mind. Trying to come up with a reason why I reacted the way I did.

  After an extreme amount of naval gazing, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, still attracted to him, that’s all it is. I think that part of me will always love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore. That doesn’t make any sense but it does make me feel better about the way I acted towards my two-timing ex. Or why I continue to act towards him.

  Alex though do
esn’t seem to see it the same way.

  Ever since ‘the kiss’ he’s been on a one-man mission to shoehorn his way back into my life. I’ll admit that all the attention is very flattering and the presents he’s been sending me since I arrived home are absolutely gorgeous. However, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to let him back into my heart.

  It’s not like I haven’t tried returning the gifts that he sent me; I have and then he’s sent them straight back again. I’ve emailed him to say ‘thanks but no thanks’ but he kept sending me such sweet messages that I ended up giving him my mobile number which led to Face Timing each other; which led to…other things.

  If I’m being honest with myself then I’m an idiot for letting things get as far as they have.

  “Oi! Have you listened to anything I’ve said?” Violet’s dulcet tones reverberate in my ear.

  “Nope.”

  “Where were you? Actually, don’t answer that because I know that you were thinking about Alex sexing you with his giant willy.”

  “Piss off.” I can feel my face get red hot.

  “You so were, just admit it.”

  “Fine I was; now will you piss off?” I’ll say anything and everything if it meant she’d get off my back about Alex.

  “Alex and Summer kissing in a tree,” she singsongs.

  “You can go right off a person you know.”

  “Yes, yes you can. However, you are my sister from another mister so you’re stuck with me forever, deal with it.” Violet laughs, “Anyway, as I was saying this dress the tosser sent you is divine. It so goes with the shoes.”

  “Dress?”

  “Yeeees.” She says slowly, “I’ve been waxing lyrical about it for the last five minutes.”

  “Not an Alien dildo?”

  “Nooooooo, but I now know what I’m getting you for Christmas!” Violet says over her shoulder as she walks back to the chair, picking up something. I roll my eyes and groan. “Here,” she says, throwing some green material in my direction.

  “I don’t want it!”

  “If you don’t want it then I’ll happily take it off your hands.”