Life Without You

by S. P. West

  A long, low groan emanates from my mystery bed partner as they stir next to me which makes me freeze.

  Please, please, please say I didn’t fuck up.

  “Oh god, my head.” A feminine voice groans while I send up a silent prayer to any god that is willing to listen that the voice belongs to my wife. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  I open one eye to find myself staring in to Summer’s beautiful eyes.

  Thank fuck.

  “And why am I bloody naked? Come to think of it why are you naked?” Her tone becomes increasingly panicked. There is a long pregnant pause as she pushes herself up, into a sitting position, placing her head in both hands.

  “Oh no.” The expression on her face is one of horror as she looks at me; “we had sex, didn’t we?”

  Flashes of last night dance across my mind; licking Summer out, her on top, boning her from behind, Summer telling me that she loved me… I’m sure the biggest grin in creeping across my face right about now. “Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.”

  Not quite the profound statement of love that I was expecting.

  “Please say we used a condom, Alex. Did we use a condom?” Summer’s small hand is wrapped around my bicep like a vice; her face has drained of all color.

  From the crusty feel of the part of the bed sheet I put my hand on I would hazard a guess that it was a no. “We didn’t, did we?” Summer wails, placing her head in her hands.

  “I don’t think we did baby,” I sooth, placing my arm around her shoulder. “You’re on the pill, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “You!” I wince as pokes me repeatedly in the nipple.

  “Me? Wait. What? Why?”

  “You could be riddled with… with… whatever. I could have genital warts.”

  I start to laugh.

  “It’s not funny!” She pouts crossing her arms in front of her defensively, which makes me laugh harder.

  “Relax, I’m clean.” I say wiping away a tear from the corner of my eye. “I got tested a while back.”

  “What about since then?” Summer demands.

  “Let me see?” I start to count on my fingers, making sure to count every single digit twice. “There has been the grand total of four. That’s including you and my right hand.”

  She sighs in relief before grabbing the pillow and attacking me with it, “arsehole.” Which sets me off laughing again. Summer moves so that she is straddling me; I try to block her blows as I roar with amusement. She keeps hitting me until the energy drains from her and she collapses, panting but smiling, beside me. The laughter stops as we move so that we are facing each other. I reach over to tuck a stray bit of hair behind her ear. “I love you Summer.” The humor has gone, in its place is a quiet seriousness, I have to get her to see how serious I am about us. What I say next could be the make or break moment of our future together. “I won’t ever be able to tell you how sorry I am for the past. No words will ever be enough. I just need you to know that losing you scarred me forever. It changed me; it changed who I am and I can’t go through life without you by my side. Losing Becks…” I take in a deep, faltering breath, as Summer weaves her fingers through mine, “losing someone I cared deeply about made me realize that you need to hold on to what is precious and not let it go. I can’t go back and change our past, I can only spend the rest of my life trying to atone for my sins.”

  She closes her eyes, a pained look on her face before turning away from me.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not.”

  Sum lets out a long, heavy sigh as she pushes herself up and into a sitting position. “Because of trust, Alex. How do I know that you won’t hurt me again?” She gives me a sad smile, “I do love you. I don’t think I ever stopped.” I move so that I sit up beside her, placing my arms around her to pull her warm, naked body to mine, “I even think I forgive you but,” Summer looks to the ceiling trying to blink away the tears that are threatening to fall, “I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart ever again.” She leans her head on my shoulder. “You didn’t just break it Alex; you shattered it.” The first tear drips onto my bare shoulder. “It’s taken me so long to try to piece it together again. It’s still not quite whole.” Summer cries quietly. I tenderly wipe away the tears with the back of my hand and place a gentle kiss on her head. “I don’t know if I want risk my heart again…I’m so sorry.” She weeps.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about, baby.” I whisper into her hair, “Everything is my fault, I’m the one that should be sorry. Not you, never you.” I say, hugging her tightly. “Please just…please give me a chance. A chance to start over again… to start afresh. We could have such an amazing future together.”

  “I…”

  “I promise you I will do anything and everything to prove to you that we belong together.”

  “Anything?” She half sobs half laughs as she wipes away her tears.

  “Yup…anything.”

  “You may end up regretting that Mr. Thorson.”

  “Let me prove it to you. Take one more chance on me please.” I beg.

  “What if it doesn’t work out?” Her face is puffy and red from her tears, yet to me she has never looked more beautiful.

  “It will.” I grin; I’m rewarded with a shy smile in return. “I promise it will.”

  “For the love of…just make him fucking stop.” Violet wails from her position face down on the sales counter. She has a pillow placed over her head and her fingers crammed in her ears.

  “I think that it’s so romantic,” sighs Celina, one of Sullivan and Frye’s newest employees, as she walks in the door with our lunch.

  Outside someone is positively murdering Cade McAlls’s latest song, ‘Sorry’.

  “Ruining a perfectly good song is not ‘romantic’.” Violet retorts, using air quotes. She doesn’t even bother to move from under the pillow.

  “Is it a busker?” I wince as the guy hits a particularly duff note, “because if he is then he’s stuffed if he thinks that he’ll make any sort of profit.”

  “No,” she sighs with a faraway look on her face, not expanding on her thoughts any further.

  “So he’s doing it for shits and giggles then?” I ask as Violet finally joins me by the window. I strain to see past the crowd that has gathered in the street.

  “Moron,” she mutters under her breath so that only I can hear.

  As we strain to see what is going on, the mangled lyrics drift through the air.

  I gave up.

  Gave up on us

  Lost your heart and your trust.

  Forgive me baby; please just see that you’re the only one for me.

  “Why don’t you just go and see what’s going on?” Celina laughs as she joins us at the window. “It’s so sweet.” She practically swoons.

  “Pah!” Violet throws her hands up in air in disgust. She flips her vibrant red hair over her shoulder as she stomps out of the door in the opposite direction of the busker.

  “Where are you going?” I yell out of the door after her.

  “To find some earplugs,” she shouts back, disappearing amongst the throng of people.

  The ‘busker’ has stopped singing and has now started on worst version Far Away by Nickleback that I have ever heard.

  “Honestly Summer, you should nip out and have a look.” Celina says as I close the door firmly shut behind me.

  “Nah.” I grin.

  “It’s so….”

  “Romantic?” I tease as I pretend to swoon.

  “It really is though!” She laughs. “Speaking of which have you heard from your man?”

  “Man?”

  Celina’s brow wrinkles apparent bewilderment at my inability to immediately identify who the hell she’s talking about, “the one who’s been sending you roses every day,” she says with deliberate slowness as though I’ve lost my mind.

  “Alex?” I smile.

  “Tall, Blond haired, h
unky and American. Right?”

  “Yes?” I say, completely confused. I swear that I have never shown a picture of Alex to Celina, “How do you know what Alex looks like?”

  “Oh,” she answers slightly flustered, “umm I saw a picture of him that Violet showed me.” Celina is a very bad liar.

  “Uh-huh.” I purse my lips as I cross my arms across my chest. Letting her know full well that I don’t believe a word she’s saying.

  “She called him twat-face?” She says with a shrug, before hurriedly adding, “can I go on my lunch now please?”

  Celina cheeks are a lovely shade of beetroot from blushing causing me to take pity on her. I’ll resume my interrogation later when she least expects it.

  “Go on,” I try to hide my grin as she grabs her lunch from the counter. She scurries towards the back room, leaving me on my own in the empty shop. I head over to the counter picking up the fattoush with falafel that I’d ordered for lunch, opening the cardboard container with the heart drawn by hand on its side. The sight of it makes me smile as I know that it will probably get the 70-year-old owner of Mišmiš, Fuad, in trouble with his lovely wife Cyla for flirting with the customers.

  I take my place behind the counter still puzzled as to how on earth Celina knows what Alex looks like. That bloody busker prevents me from thinking anymore about it when he starts slaughtering yet another of my favorite songs, this time it’s The Darkness’s I believe in a Thing called Love.

  Bastard. I don’t blame Vi for running off to find earplugs. Maybe I could text her to see if she can get me some as well…

  My stomach turns as the smell of the food hits me; it passes after a few minutes and some intense yoga breathing. It’s happened a few times over the last couple of weeks, probably just down to the stress of being of our U.S. operation expanding. The San Francisco store has proved so popular that we’ve opened another one in Beverly Hills.

  We’ve hit Hollywood, baby!

  With Lyssa still recovering from the horrific injuries that she sustained in the crash and concentrating on being a mummy, I’ve been flying back and forth to L.A. to oversee the new store opening. Del and Dana have been doing an amazing job Stateside but as they are so busy Vi and I decided that she would run the U.K. side and I would deal with the other stuff. Of course, it also gave me an excuse to see Alex regularly.

  It’s been about five months since Alex and I slept together again. I’d be lying if I said it was just a one off… more like a total fuck-a-thon as Vi so succinctly called it. She forced me to admit that Alex and I had been seeing each other. We spent a few amazing weeks together in Brighton before he had to return home, it hurt so much watching him leave through the airport gates.

  That’s why I couldn’t be happier about the L.A. expansion going ahead. Alex has flown to L.A. each time that I have just so that we can spend some quality time together. That’s not to say that it’s been all fun and sex. I don’t leave him to get up to his own devices each day – he has been helping me out with the new store in the daytime. At night, well, that’s a whole different story or, more correctly, a porno.

  We’ve also taken the opportunity to see a marriage therapist while we’re in L.A. I’ve made sure that Alex understands that if he were serious about us then we would have to talk about what caused the breakdown of our marriage in the first place, so that it wouldn’t happen again.

  I won’t lie. It’s been no bed of bloody roses… more like very sharp, pointy spikes.

  We’ve talked, we’ve cried – I even walked out of one session swearing that I never wanted to see that him again after hearing what he did with her. Somehow we’ve come through it - together.

  There is light at the end of the tunnel.

  I’m starting to see that we could have a future together again. However, Alex is under no illusion.

  If he does drugs ever again – I’ll walk.

  If he even considers cheating ever again – I’ll cut his balls off, then shove them in a blender. Then I’ll walk and I won’t look back.

  The door opens with a bang as Vi stomps in looking disgruntled.

  “No ear plugs?” I whine, looking longingly at my lunch. I try to weigh up the pros and cons of whether to eat it or not. I’m stuck between wanting to vomit and being ravenously hungry.

  “No they didn’t.” She grumbles. “They had soap made from bulls’ spunk yet they didn’t have fucking ear plugs. Bastards.” I almost choke on a bit of falafel. “I’m going to head into town and go to a proper pharmacy where they sell shit that people actually need.”

  The busker is now (and I use the term lightly) singing ‘Can’t Smile without you’ causing Vi and I to cringe. “Or I’m going to find a crow bar and bash him repeatedly over the head with it until he shuts the fuck up. I prefer that option but I think the police might disagree with me.” She sighs and picks up her sandwich. “Christ, Sum.” Violet points at my now empty box of food. “Did you eat that or inhale it?”

  “What?” I shrug, giving her a sheepish grin. “I was hungry.”

  Violet tilts her head to one side as she stares at me in contemplation, “you still feeling sick?”

  “Yes.” It’s my turn to sigh this time.

  “You know what’s causing it?”

  “Probably stress.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “What’s ‘uh-huh’ meant to mean?” Now I’m seriously side-eyeing her motives.

  “Nothing.” She smirks as she takes the last bite of her sandwich, gathering up out lunch things. “We had any customers?”

  “Do you see any here?” I huff, sweeping my arm through the air.

  “Where’s Celina?”

  “Out back, having her lunch.”

  “Good, then I’m off to Boots. I’ll see you about an hour,” Vi says grabbing her purse. “Toodles.” She waves, once again leaving me on my own.

  A little while later, I’m sat in the back room checking through the messages on my laptop while I take a little break. I don’t know whether to strangle or thank the busker as he has done a sterling job of putting off any potential customer from coming into the store. This means that I can leave Celina out front for a bit without having to worry too much. Besides Vi will be back soon so I can spend half hour or so catching up on other things.

  Like Alex.

  I’m getting a little concerned, as I haven’t heard from him in a while, i.e. two weeks. He said that he and his boss were going to go on their annual fishing trip. Which surprised me, as he never liked fishing when we were married. He also said that there was no internet or phone service where they were headed. He would contact me as soon as he could.

  I’m not sure I’d be able to survive a day without the internet let alone two weeks.

  “Summer.”

  I finish firing off a quick email to Marylyn asking her if she’s heard from him at all when Celina pokes her head around the door.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah,” she grins. “There’s a delivery for you out front.”

  “Is it that stuff from Brookes I ordered?”

  “Not exactly…” Celina is practically bouncing up and down with excitement. “Come have a look.”

  With my curiosity suitably piqued, I follow Celina to the front of the store to find the familiar face of JoJo from the florists, holding possibly the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I’ve ever seen in her arms.

  “These are for you,” JoJo says presenting them to me with a huge smile.

  “They’re beautiful JoJo.”

  “Now, I’ve been told that I have to tell you exactly what the flowers are in the bouquet and that each one has a specific meaning.”

  “So I gather.” I grin.

  “Okay we have Lavender, white and blue violets, iris’s, red tulips, Lily of the Valley and I’ve threaded some ivy through for you as well. Just please don’t ask me what they mean because I can’t remember. I’ve written it down for you in case you to look it up. Anyway, I’ve got to get back to the sho
p – so enjoy!”

  “Thanks JoJo.”

  “Don’t thank me babe,” she laughs as she heads towards the door, “thank the person who got them or you. I was just following his instructions. Oh, and read the card,”

  she calls out, closing the door behind her.

  “I’ll take those and put them in some water,” Celina says brimming with excitement as she hands me an embossed teal envelope with my name written in silver. I’m so busy marveling at the intricate design on the envelope that I don’t even question why she’s taken the flowers or why she’s so bloody excited. “Open the card.” She yells from the back.

  “Okay Little Miss Bossy,” I say as I open the card as instructed. Inside is plain vanilla piece of card with three words printed on it.

  Go outside now.

  “Go on.” Celina is leant against the counter shooing me with her hands, I didn’t even realize she’d come back in. “Go.”

  “What’s going on and what do you know?” I’m as suspicious as hell to say the least.

  “It’s a surprise and no I won’t ruin it so just go already.” She cackles evilly as she gently shoves me out of the door into the street. She shut it before I get a chance to say anything, just as the busker starts murdering ‘just the way you are’.

  Could it get any worse?

  “’Cos Summer you’re amazing just the way you are….”

  Slowly I turn around at the mention of my name to find that the crowd of onlookers has parted leaving just the busker, still singing badly, in front of me. I can feel my lips quirk up into a grin as he walks towards me, abruptly finishing the song as I leap into his arms nearly knocking him his feet to the cheers of the crowd.

  “What are you doing here? I thought you were on vacation.” I say wrapping my legs around him, pressing kisses to his jaw. Alex laughs staggering for a few yards before easing me to my feet so that he can return my kisses.

  “Happy to see me?”

  “Very,” I sigh, melting into his arms. “Especially now that you’ve stopped singing. God, that was awful.”