Funeral with a View

by Schiariti, Matt

  “No, I think it’s safe. Daddy, this is—”

  “I know who it is,” he said gravely. The tension crept back. Butch whined.

  “Rick Franchitti. Thanks for having me over, Mr. … Colonel. It’s great to finally meet you. We should have done this sooner.”

  The Colonel regarded my hand with eyes so pale they bordered on gray before taking it in a crushing grip.

  Yep. This man is gonna be a hard sell

  Without another word, The Colonel marched over to the grill where dancing flames had already been working their culinary magic.

  “He’s a charmer,” I whispered. “Kit Cat?”

  “If you ever call me that again, I’ll kill you in your sleep.”

  Catherine and I joined Jude and her mother at the picnic table.

  “Want anything to drink, Rick?” Jude said. “Maybe something fruity? With a teensy-weensy umbrella in it?” I glared at Catherine. How much detail had she gone into about poker night? Catherine shrugged her apology then fixed a venomous glare on her older sister, who volleyed with a shit-eating grin.

  “Um, I’ll take a beer if you’ve got one. Thanks.”

  Jude skipped into the house, and not long after she returned with my Negro Modello, The Colonel had gathered up an abundance of charred mammal flesh and set it on the table.

  Catherine inhaled deeply “This smells great. Thanks for cooking.”

  “You’re welcome, Kit Cat. We have a guest after all.” He glanced at me, and I realized from whom my girlfriend had inherited her death looks. The beauty was Mary Jo, but the evil eye was all Big Daddy. “Go on, then. No invitations here. Dig in, folks.”

  Sir, yes sir. We loaded our plates and dug in as ordered.

  “So,” Mary Jo said. “Cat tells us you’re in graphic design, Rick?”

  I swallowed a mouthful of Mary Jo’s potato salad. Almost as good as Mom’s Epic, but don’t tell my mother I said that. “That’s right. I work for Colbert & Colbert Advertising in Princeton. Been there about three years now.”

  “I’ve heard of that firm,” The Colonel said. “They have a good reputation.”

  Brownie points for me.

  “That sounds like a good solid job,” Mary Jo said. “Do you like it?”

  “Love it. Something different every day.”

  “Would we know any of your clientele?”

  “Not sure. I have one big project right now. A placed called Helena’s Heaven out in West Windsor.”

  “Oh, I know that place!” Jude said. “That’s a top end lingerie store and adult boutique.”

  The sound of birdsong and mosquitos meeting fiery death in the bug zapper magnified tenfold in the silence.

  “And how would you know about a place like that, Jude?” The Colonel grunted, his eldest now the focus of his evil eye.

  Jude rolled her eyes. “Daddy, I’m not a nun, you know. Rob has gotten me quite a few gifts from there before.” Rob was Jude’s fiancé. Helena’s wasn’t cheap, but judging by the size of the rock on Jude’s ring finger, I doubted that was an issue.

  Mary Jo Cleared her throat. “Jude works in West Windsor. She teaches English at the high school.”

  I’d known that already. Catherine told me a while ago. But even if I hadn’t, the ‘English Teachers Do It In School’ T-shirt she wore would have tipped me off to her profession.

  “Did you go to college around here?”

  “Sure did. Ryder.”

  “Ryder,” The Colonel said. “Good school. I was a Princeton man, myself. Speaking of which,” he took a bite of hamburger, some of which remained in his mammoth moustache as he spoke, “how is Bill doing these days, Kit Cat? Haven’t spoken to him in a dog’s age.”

  Catherine tensed, and Jude—who I’d quickly learned to be a troublemaker of the highest order—seemed uncomfortable and paid extra attention to her summer sausage.

  “Bill’s doing fine last time I checked. We haven’t seen him since the holiday.”

  “Next time you do, tell him I said hello, would you? You know, Rick, Bill’s father and I go way back. I met Bill at a Princeton alumni dinner while he was playing football. Before his injury. Always liked that Bill. There’s a man who’s going places. He’s some hotshot financial advisor a little ways north isn’t he? Somerset, if memory serves.”

  There was no doubt in my mind that The Colonel’s memory was in perfect operating condition. I picked up on the subtext. He preferred Bill for his little girl to a guy like me. Maybe I didn’t fit into his ideal boyfriend template. Bill helped people turn millions into more millions. Me? A lowly graphic designer, working his ass off to climb my way up the corporate ladder. Something told me that even if Catherine hadn’t become pregnant, I still wouldn’t be good enough for his Kit Cat.

  “Yeah, that Bill. He’s a real go-getter. I guess I have good taste in best friends.” I took a big pull of my beer.

  Mary Jo smiled her good hostess’s smile. Jude and Catherine remained quiet.

  “Mind if I use the bathroom?”

  “Not at all, Rick.” Mary Jo pointed to the house. “Go straight through the kitchen. First door on the left.”

  ~~~

  I dried my hands, turned off the light, opened the bathroom door ...

  And walked directly into The Colonel. He stood in the hallway, hands on hips, moustache an angry upside-down V.

  “Jeez, you scared the crap out of me.”

  “Come with me for a minute, son.” He turned his back and walked off.

  Right.

  I followed him through the mysterious double doors and into his study. Time for a cigar and a bit of brandy? I doubted it. But, determined as I was to make everything go as smoothly as possible, I shadowed him without protest.

  The room impressed me with its great view, dark wood trim, large desk, built-in bookshelves, and wood burning fireplace. No stuffed animal heads tacked on the walls. I took that as a good sign. Nearly every square inch of wall space was covered in awards, degrees, military decorations, and above all, family photos.

  The Colonel walked over to a portable bar and pulled out a bottle. “Bourbon, Rick?”

  “Sure.”

  I browsed the multitude of pictures while he fixed our drinks. Many were of him decked out in full military uniform, taken both in various states and abroad. The mantle above the fireplace held what seemed to be his favorites; they were the first you noticed when setting foot in the room. Shots of his girls crowded the surface, and there was one of a much younger Mary Jo in an extravagant gown, crown on her head, a sash over her shoulder.

  The Colonel handed me a glass. “That’s my Mary Jo. Miss Texas back in the day. She sure was a looker.”

  “Still is.”

  He pulled a frame from the mantle and handed it to me. It was discolored with age. Three people sat atop a tank: The Colonel, smiling like he was the king of everything, with two of the world’s cutest little girls on either side of him.

  “That was taken when I was stationed in Fort Hood, Texas. It’s my favorite.”

  “I can see why. It’s a fantastic picture, sir … Colonel.”

  Moustache tilted at an angle (his version of a smile), he returned the picture to its rightful place, then sat behind his desk, carefully placing his drink on a coaster. “Have a seat, Rick.”

  “No, thanks. I think I’ll stand. You’re not going to pull a Cocktail and offer me money to stay away from your daughter, are you, Mr. Maddox?” I skipped The Colonel bit on purpose. Stormy eyes bored into me, but I stood my ground. “Because if that’s what this is about, you can forget it. You don’t like me. That’s obvious.”

  “Rick—”

  I help up a hand. “Please. Let me get this out in the open.”

  He sat back and gave a small nod.

  “Let’s face it. This is a shitty situation. You know it, I know it. You’re pissed. Rightfully so. I’d be, too, if I were you. If I had a daughter, and some punk guy got her in the same fix, wringing his neck would be my top priority
. But I’m not some punk guy. I may not have a Princeton pedigree, I may not come from money, I may not have served my country, but I’m nuts about your daughter.”

  Having gotten that off my chest, I swelled with pride. I was also scared shitless. My hands shook slightly while I downed the bourbon and set the empty glass on an end table.

  “Is that all, Rick? You done?”

  “No, I’m not.” I took a deep breath, held it, let it out slowly. “I won’t let you intimidate me. I plan on sticking with Cat for as long as she’ll have me. Although I’d like it more than just about anything else, you and I getting along isn’t necessary. What is necessary is that we at least act like it in front of your daughter.”

  Heart thundering in my chest, I did an about face and left.

  ~~~

  Three sets of eyes locked onto me, four counting Butch’s.

  I wiped sweat out of my eyes, hoping they’d assume it was the heat, and sat down at the picnic table.

  “You okay, Ricky? You’re so sweaty.”

  “Peachy, Cat.” So much for blaming the heat. “We’ll talk about it later.”

  The patio door opened then crashed shut. Cat, Jude, and Mary Jo looked up at the same time. Butch cocked his head to one side, tail between his legs.

  The Colonel started in before he was even fully in his seat.

  “Now, you listen to me, son,” he growled, pointing a sturdy finger at me. “We’re not done yet. You don’t back down and I respect that, but if you think you’re just going to waltz into my house and talk to me like that, you’ve got another thing coming. I will not be disrespected in my own home.”

  Catherine and Jude asked The Colonel to calm down. Mary Jo remained silent.

  “I am calm. What did you expect, Rick? You come in here for the first time after being with my daughter for over six goddamn months, three days after I find out you got her pregnant, mind you, and I’m supposed to what? Welcome you with open arms?”

  Cat shot out of her seat “Daddy! I’m at fault here, too. It’s just as much my fault as it is Rick’s and—”

  “Be quiet, Catherine, ” he said, face red. “This is my house. I’ll speak when I damn well please and I’ll say what I damn well please. If lover boy here had kept it in his pants, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.”

  “Pat, shut up would you?” Mary Jo said.

  “I will not—”

  “Patrick! Shut. Up.”

  The Colonel glared, his jaw working overtime, but he said nothing further.

  “I suppose it’s time we talk about the giant elephant in the room,” Mary Jo continued, calmly. “All this posturing and beating around the bush is getting us nowhere. Rick, I apologize for my husband’s outburst. But surely you can understand why he’s upset?”

  “Of course I’m fucking upset!” Butch tucked tail and ran. “Jesus Christ, Mary Jo. They’re just kids. They’re not even married.”

  Mary Jo slapped an open palm on the table. “Neither were we!”

  Catherine and Jude exchanged confused expressions. The Colonel’s furious eyes narrowed.

  Mary Jo wiped her mouth and set the napkin aside. “I won’t lie to you, Rick. I’m not jumping for joy over the circumstances. Do I wish things had taken a more traditional path? Certainly. My husband makes a good point. You two are awful young. But this isn’t the end of the world.” She laid a hand on The Colonel’s shoulder. His moustache twitched, but his breathing visibly slowed. “Pat’s upset because this all hits a little too close to home.”

  “Mary Jo …”

  “Really, it’s okay, Pat.” She smiled warmly, then turned to me. “Did you know I was Miss Texas a lifetime ago, Rick? Some said I had an excellent chance of making a run for Miss America. It was all I wanted in the world. Or so I thought until I was swept off my feet by a handsome Army officer.”

  “We’ve heard this story a thousand times, Mom,” Catherine said. “You quit because you lost interest after meeting Dad.”

  “That’s part of it. But there’s more.”

  “Honey,” The Colonel said, “maybe now’s not the best time for this.”

  “Can you think of a better time? I sure can’t, and anything less would make us hypocrites. No, this is the perfect time.”

  Catherine leaned forward in her seat. “Mom, what are you trying to say?”

  “I didn’t give up the pageant because I wanted to start a family. I had to because we’d already started one.”

  CHAPTER 19

  Butch chased a butterfly out in the yard while the rest of us sat frozen in our seats. The drama mesmerized me. Whatever expectations I’d had, they were nothing compared to this.

  Mary Jo faced her eldest.

  “Jude, please don’t misunderstand. Your father and I had discussed getting married eventually.”

  “Oh, this is rich.” Jude laughed and smacked her knee. “This is classic. Taking all this in, Rick? There may be a quiz afterward.”

  I help up my hands. “I’m just an innocent bystander.”

  “Are you saying I’m illegitimate? Is that what you’re trying to tell me here, Mom? Dad? That you got married because you had to? Not because you wanted to? Because of me?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying at all,” Mary Jo sighed. “We were married before you were born. You didn’t quite come into the world nine months after the wedding, that’s all. You weren’t premature, even though that’s what we told people.” She patted Jude’s knee. “Your dad and I were in love, still are. Things were just expedited a smidge.”

  “You sure he’s my real dad? Kidding! I’m kidding. Honestly, this doesn’t bother me that much. Kind of shitty you couldn’t follow your dream, though.”

  Mary Jo smiled. “The hell with that silly contest. Who needs tiaras and parades when you can change diapers at three in the morning and breastfeed until your nipples hurt?”

  Jude’s lower lip protruded. “Hilarious.”

  “I’m only teasing, Jude. Life has a funny way of giving what you want, even when you haven’t realized it’s what you wanted in the first place.”

  With a billowing sigh, The Colonel stood. “Well, that calls for another beer or three. What d’you say, Rick? You with me?”

  Stunned, I nodded stupidly, and he shambled off to retrieve our liquid courage.

  “So why is Dad giving Rick such a hard time?” Catherine’s voice had a slight sting to it. “He’s always been overly protective of Jude and me—not that it worked—but after hearing all that, I’d have thought he’d be a little more sympathetic.”

  “Because your mom was devastated, that’s why.” Cat’s father handed me my beer and took a swig of his own as he sat down. “She had this huge dream to be Miss America and I swung in and muffed it up.”

  Mary Jo’s expression turned distant. “When you’re that age, the world is a fragile thing. If you don’t get something you have your heart set on, it feels like everything will end. Of course I was upset at first, but not keeping the child was never an option. I was going to have you, Jude, come Hell or high water. Your father proposed. I said yes, and I don’t regret it one single bit.”

  “I don’t want to see your plans get derailed, Kit Cat,” The Colonel said. “Your mom took it so hard. I never want to see you that way.”

  “So you’re not mad?” Catherine said.

  “Of course I’m mad.”

  “But you don’t hate Rick.”

  “I hate the situation, not Rick. How can I hate the kid? I barely know him. Shit, I’m not that bad, am I?”

  Jude snorted. Mary Jo cuffed her on the back of the head. Jude squealed. Either The Colonel didn’t notice or was too used to their behavior to care, because he ignored the entire exchange.

  The Maddox patriarch set his elbows on the picnic table. “Look, Cat. I’m not living under a rock. I know how things are. No, I’m not happy you’re pregnant, and no, I’m not happy you’re not married. But it’s what we’ve got, so we work with it.”

  The
Colonel turned to me. Attempting to act as the mature, responsible adult I knew I wasn’t, I fought the urge to slink down in my seat and stick my fingers in my mouth.

  “You seem like a good kid, Rick,” he said. “Cat wouldn’t be with you if you weren’t worth being with. My daughters don’t settle for second best for very long. It’s obvious to me this is more than just a one-night stand. You could have run away, but you didn’t. And I’ll give it to you, you’ve got balls the size of the Titanic, dressing me down in my own study like you did.” I saw the twitch of facial hair. “I respect the shit out of that, especially when it comes to anybody wanting to date my Kit Cat. There’s no way you’d have done that unless you plan on sticking around. You do plan on sticking around, don’t you?”

  “Colonel, I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry about this, honest to God I am. I never meant to put your daughter or your family in this position. But I’m sticking around. I may be young … I may be stupid enough to think I know everything when I really don’t know jack squat, but there’s one thing I do know. I love your daughter.” I took Cat’s hand in mine. “And I have it on pretty good authority she loves me, too. Baby or not, I have no intention of leaving her. Ever.”

  “So … that true, Cat? You love this clown?”

  She nodded and squeezed my hand. “Yes. I do.”

  “That’s all that matters then,” said Mary Jo. “Everything else will work itself out.”

  Jude sniffed. “This is all so touching.” She wiped away a phantom tear with movie star proficiency.

  “You’re such a bitch, Jude!” Catherine balled up a napkin and tossed it Jude’s way. The sisters burst out laughing.

  Butch broke off his high speed pursuit of some indeterminate insect menace, woofed, and trotted over.

  “Are they always like this?” I said.

  A laughing Mary Jo nodded.

  The Colonel shook his head. “Yes they are. Son, pray you never have daughters.”