My Favorite What If

by Lyssa Layne

  That’s just what it was, distant, mindless sex between strangers despite my best efforts to make it exactly the opposite. Sloan pulled me out of that restaurant the second I mentioned her meeting my friends. We were no more than fifty yards down the beach when she shoved me to the ground and proceeded to have sex with me, not even facing me. Sitting up, I drag my hands down my face and sigh.

  Despite the emptiness between us¸ it had still been amazing, just like it always is with her and it made me feel even worse that I enjoyed it. Her back to me, her hands on my thighs, and with every thrust down, she’d move my erection in a way I’d never felt before. I came long before she did. Well, actually she didn’t because she wouldn’t let me touch her after that. There was no kissing afterward, instead it was an awkward walk of shame back to our room where we took separate showers and fell asleep without talking or touching.

  Sloan reaches for her flip flops and I clear my throat. “Hey there, don’t I get a goodbye?”

  Her eyes drift toward the clock and she walks to the bed. Taking a seat beside me, her hand slides over the sheet, traveling south. “I have about ten minutes—”

  Leaning forward, I kiss her softly, my finger writing in her palm. “Relax, I’m not asking for sex, or a blowjob, or anything else along those lines.” I lean back so I can see her face. “I’m asking for a goodbye kiss, a have a good day, and maybe I can’t wait to see you after lunch.”

  Her long eyelashes flutter as she looks down. My fingers draw her chin up so I can see her beautiful eyes again. “Look, about last night, I’m sor—”

  Now it’s her turn to interrupt me when she puts both her hands on either side of my face and crushes my mouth with hers. When she pulls away, she’s grinning. “Have fun golfing with my family and I can’t wait to see you later.”

  She rises, heading toward the door and is gone as soon as it’s closed. When I hear the click, I cringe at the thought of when she does that for the last time. What the hell was I thinking when I made that comment last night? I get up and move to the bathroom to get ready.

  Splashing water on my face, I know exactly what I was thinking—exactly what I said. I have three days days left with Sloan and I don’t want it to end. I want to go home with her, be with her in the real world, have her meet my friends, meet hers, and see where things could go. Maybe I’m being naive but I think this could be so much more than the paradise fling we’re both so insistent on.

  I finish getting ready and head to the golf course. Nine holes later and the uneasiness of Sloan running away is gone. Luckily, I’m sharing a cart with Will who is getting updates from Sissy about their pedis and manis. At least I know Sloan is still here. After lunch I can try to mend the damage from last night, while trying to convince her to give us a real shot back in St. Louis.

  Will and I are waiting on Gavin and Roger to catch up with us at the tee box of the tenth hole. He laughs out loud and holds up his phone to show me a picture of Sissy and Sloan holding up their hands with fake nails as long as their fingers with Hello Kitty decorations. Both of the Talbott sisters are laughing with smiles that reach their eyes. I can imagine that Elaina has the same look on her face from the other side of the camera. I stare into Sloan’s eyes, something I don’t always have the luxury to do because she tends to pull away when I try.

  “What do you know about Sloan?” I doubt any of the rest of her family will give me any insight, but it’s at least worth a shot with Will.

  Still laughing, he turns off his phone and puts it back in his pocket. “What do you want to know? The family has no secrets with each other, they’re all in everyone’s business, which is both a blessing and a curse.”

  Bingo! “Why is everyone so shocked that she’s with me? I mean, aside from the fact that we barely know each other, I get that, but what else is there?”

  Will tips back his Red Stripe before he answers. “Because she hasn’t dated, or at least brought any guy around us, since her husband died.”

  Whoa! Not exactly what I was expecting. Trying not to hide my shock, I swallow the lump that quickly forms in my throat. “What happened to him?”

  Will looks around to see if anyone can hear us, satisfied that no one is within earshot, he asks in a low whisper, “Do you remember the engineer that got shot in the parking lot of Midwest Air Corps?”

  I nod. It was all over the news. The guy was leaving work when a masked man confronted him in the parking lot, demanded a disc with information on it and then shot him when he got it. The cops thought the robber had to have been from their competitor, but they never found who did it.

  “That was Cooper.” He looks around again then lowers his voice even more. “The cops never let it out, but Sloan was with him that night. The real story is when Coop refused to give him what he wanted, the guy held a gun to Sloan’s head and hit her. Cooper lost it, Sissy said there was no way anyone would ever hurt Sloan if Coop could help it. It happened about a year before I met Sis. Sissy tells me that Sloan fell into a deep depression for about a year before she got her shit together and started her own business. She’s never dated since that happened.”

  My whole body is numb. I know exactly how Sloan must have felt. Granted, our situations aren’t entirely the same, but they’re close enough. That was years ago and she can’t move on yet, what makes me think that I can just a year after Caroline leaving? But the overwhelming thing that’s bothering me is that Sloan was even in that situation. Some asshole put a gun to her head, scared her, hurt her, and then broke her heart. Feeling starts to return to my body and it’s anger that runs through my veins. Cooper may not be able to protect her any more, but I can pick up where he left off, if she’ll let me.

  Sloan

  Sissy and I are still giggling as we pluck off the fake Hello Kitty nails. We move from the manicure station to the pedicure spot, dropping our feet into the warm water below. Sissy sits in the middle of my mother and me, the two of them finalizing details for the wedding tomorrow. I close my eyes and let my mind drift.

  Of course, the previous evening’s events flood my brain. Dinner had been perfect. We talked, we ate, we laughed. It was fun and flirty, I actually believed I might be able to date again. And then Smitty made the most innocent, yet fully loaded comment. He wanted his friends to meet me. In another world, in another time, I would’ve swooned at the thought, but instead, I shut down.

  I used sex as my defense and to make it worse, I didn’t put my heart and soul into it like I normally did with him. It was cold, meaningless sex and I felt awful afterward, not only for me, but for using Smitty the way I did. In the five years since Cooper died, I hadn’t so much as kissed another man. There had been plenty of opportunities for me to have meaningless sex along the way, but what would have been the point? Until Smitty, I’d only slept with three men, all of whom I loved in some way, one of whom I married. And then there was Smitty…

  Sure, we’d agreed to a fun-filled fling, but from the first time I kissed him, there was nothing meaningless about it… until last night, which only confirmed that I’d made the right decision all those years. Lying in bed next to Smitty last night, I desperately wanted, needed to be held by him. Not because I was missing Cooper, but because I was afraid that I’d pushed Smitty too far and I needed reassurance that I hadn’t.

  Of course, I never gave him any signs that it was okay to touch me, much less look at me, so we’d slept on our separate sides of the bed. I was relieved this morning when he asked for a kiss goodbye, nothing more. As much as I told myself this was only sex, deep down I know that’s just a lie I’m telling myself.

  “What are you daydreaming about over there, Lo?” Sissy asks, freeing me from my thoughts.

  Looking in her direction, I smile and pat her leg. “Just picturing my baby sister getting married tomorrow.”

  Sissy scoffs. “Yeah, like I believe that. More like picturing sexy Smitty, I imagine.”

  My cheeks flush red and I laugh. “You’re getting married tomorrow. I don�
�t think you should be calling anyone sexy other than your husband.”

  Sissy rolls her eyes and my mother leans forward. “Sloan, just because she’s getting married doesn’t mean she can’t find a man attractive, which is exactly what Smitty is,” my mother quips and my face turns an even brighter shade of red.

  “You two are ridiculous, but he is pretty cute, isn’t he?” I respond with a laugh and they join me.

  “So are you going to call him when you get back home?” Sissy asks.

  My stomach knots and I quickly shake my head, scrunching my nose as if that’s the craziest thing she’s ever said. “Of course not. We agreed to this week only and that’s it.”

  “Tsk, tsk. Don’t play that game with us, Sloan Avery. You know that boy would jump at the chance to date you back at home,” my mother scolds and my face flushes again. I’m sure my mother doesn’t appreciate me talking about one-week flings, she definitely raised me better than that, but this whole time, she’s been encouraging it at the same time.

  “I don’t know about that, Mother, but I do know that I’m not ready for anything along those lines. This is safe, it’s only a week. I’m thinking of it as an introduction to possibly moving on.” Lies, it’s all lies. It’s not safe, my heart is already going to get hurt when I leave Smitty and it’s no introduction, this is a one-time only thing. The only truth is that I’m not ready for any of this. Hell, I’m not even sure I’m ready for what I’ve already started.

  My mother lets out a long, dramatic sigh. It’s a familiar sound that my siblings and I have heard over the years and grown accustomed to. “Honey, I understand that you feel like it’s not fair to Cooper, but it’s also not fair to you. The love you and Cooper shared was the kind most people only find once in a lifetime, but what if you’re one of the lucky ones to find it a second time? Honestly, Sloan, you should stop thinking so much about what’s going on between you and Smitty and just follow your heart.”

  My heart races at the same time my stomach sinks. “Really? Love, Mother? I think you’re jumping to conclusions. Besides, my heart belongs to Cooper.”

  Sissy jumps in. “Okay, so maybe it’s not love… yet, but it could be. And Lo, you really think Cooper would want you this miserable? You’re a lover, sis. Everyone loves you, you love everyone. You have the kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. Cooper wouldn’t want you to keep that to yourself. He’d want you to find love again, be happy. Don’t you remember his last words to you?”

  I close my eyes, fighting the tears that always come when I think about that night. The night that I lost the love of my life and locked up my heart. It’d been our six-month wedding anniversary. Cooper was insanely romantic, celebrating any and every major, or minor, event in our relationship. In hindsight, I always wondered if he knew our relationship would be short lived.

  We’d met when I was working at his company’s fitness center. He strolled in to the gym my first day there, trying to look macho in his basketball shorts and dri-fit shirt. When our eyes met, he immediately sucked in his gut and in that instant, I knew I was going to marry this overweight, out-of-shape man. The first year I trained him and we dated, he lost almost fifty pounds. He swore I only let him eat rabbit food, which was a bit of a stretch. Still, he was soft around the edges, which I absolutely loved.

  I never fully understood Cooper’s job, and to this day, I still don’t. I only ever knew it was top secret and Cooper insisted I didn’t change my maiden name for security reasons. It wasn’t until the night of our six-month anniversary that the importance of his job was drilled into my memory.

  He stayed at the office working until my shift at the fitness center was over. He met me by our car, holding six red roses for the six months of our marriage. Neither of us were paying attention to our surroundings so we never even heard anyone approach us. It wasn’t until the cold, metallic gun was pressed against my back that I even broke our kiss. I never saw the gunman’s face because he was wearing a ski mask even though it was summer time.

  “Mr. Pennington, I believe you have something I want and now it looks like I have something of yours. Shall we exchange?” The mystery man yanks my hair, pulling me further away from Cooper and moving the pistol to my temple.

  Cooper throws up his hands, showing he doesn’t have anything. “Look, we can go back inside and work this out, but please, don’t hurt my wife.”

  My whole body was shaking, I wasn’t able to control it. I had no clue what was going on. It was the first time in my life that I felt completely at a loss, but it definitely wasn’t the last time.

  “Don’t hurt your wife?” The man repeats and without any warning, the butt of the pistol slams into my chin, busting it open. Blood pours down my face and Cooper lunges for him. Cooper takes the gunman by surprise and the masked man sets off the gun, hitting Cooper in the stomach.

  Cooper fell to the ground while I stood there, unable to process what just happened. The gunman swooped down and pulled something out of Cooper’s pocket before he ran off. With the immediate danger gone, I was finally able to communicate with my feet. I dropped to Cooper, pulling him into my lap, blood pouring from his stomach and I started shaking my head in denial.

  “No, no, no…Cooper stay with me! HELP!” I scream at the top of my lungs, begging, pleading for anyone to come help us, but not a soul was around to hear me.

  Cooper moves his blood covered hand to my lips. “Sshh, baby. Just hold me,” he urges, the warm summer air hitting the damp blood on my face left behind from my wound and his.

  “You can’t leave me, Coop. I need you,” I sob.

  His fingers run through my hair. “Listen to me, Lo. You don’t need me, you have you. Wonderful, amazing you. Live, Lo. Live and love for both of us.”

  Those were the words that Cooper left me with. Live, I did that. It took me a year after his death to start living again, but I managed to do that with gusto. I took what I loved doing and turned it into an empire that I’m spreading internationally. But love? Other than my work and my family, I hadn’t loved since Cooper left me.

  I need a sign. Something, anything from Cooper to let me know it is okay to move on, to really love again. Sighing, I open my eyes, trying to escape that memory. My sister is grinning at me and someone has begun massaging my foot. When I look to see who it is, Smitty is smiling back at me. I close my eyes again, this time to keep a different kind of tear from falling.

  CHAPTER 12

  Smitty

  Aside from the obvious surprise, Sloan’s face gives nothing else away. I’m not sure if she’s happy to see me or mad that I’ve interrupted her girl time. As soon as we finished our golf game, I left the Talbott men and Will behind. After learning about her past and her heartbreak, I had to see her and try to fix my mistake from last night. I don’t know how long this “relationship” will last so I’m going to soak in every moment I can.

  I let the nail technician finish Sloan’s pedicure while I wait, pacing back and forth. My mind can’t stop thinking about the story Will told me. What was going through her mind when that gun was pointed at her head? Did she fear for her life? What did it feel like to hold her loved one while he died in her arms? I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to think about that last part.

  “You’re cute when you’re deep in concentration.”

  Sloan’s face appears before me and finally, I can see the sparkle in her eyes as her smile meets them. She has one of those smiles that makes me grin like an idiot despite the darkest thoughts that are invading my mind. I take a step toward her, my hands squeezing her waist, and I tilt my head. Leaning down, I don’t kiss her lips. Instead, I go straight for the hidden scar on her chin, the one that must have been left behind from that awful night. At first, she flinches, but then her hands move around my neck.

  I look into her eyes, both of us smiling. “I booked us a couples’ massage.”

  Sloan lifts her eyebrows. “Oh?”

  “Yep, it’s a chocolate massage.”

  Her l
ips curve up. “Well, in that case, what are we waiting for?

  I laugh and move my hand to hold hers. She waves goodbye to her sister and mother and then we walk hand in hand to the spa. It feels right and I hold her hand a little tighter than normal, wanting to protect her and not wanting her to slip away from me. By the time we arrive at the spa, she’s finally relaxed and things seem back to normal, well as normal as a five-day relationship can be.

  “Alright, Mr. Smith, we’ll be ready for you and your wife in just a few minutes,” the receptionist says in a sweetening voice that makes me sick. My stomach drops when she says this, but Sloan squeezes my hand. I’m afraid to see her reaction, but slowly, I turn to her.

  Surprisingly, she has a grin on her face as she looks up at me. One hand is still clasped with mine, the other moves to my chest, gathering my shirt and pulling me toward her. “Don’t worry, my husband and I will be able to pass the time,” she says and pushes up on her tippy toes to kiss me.

  Stunned, it takes me a second to realize her lips are on mine. Sloan is obviously turning up the heat as she runs her hand over my head, pulling me in to kiss her deeper, her tongue rolling between my lips. The kiss is nothing short of amazing, but I pull away, perplexed at her reaction and displeasing her. Sloan’s arms are still around me and the twinkle in her eyes lets me know she’s happy, despite the frown on her face.

  “Where did that come from?” I ask, my hands linked together in the small of her back.

  “I’m just playing along with the fantasy world we’ve created,” Sloan answers, giving me a wink and my heart sinks.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Smith, we’re ready,” a lady calls to us from the door.

  Sloan spins around, taking my hand in hers and I follow the two to the treehouse bungalow where the masseuse tells us to undress. The chocolate scented candles and the sounds of the waves fill the air around us. The atmosphere is completely relaxing yet I can feel every muscle tightened in my body. Sloan undresses, humming along with Bob Marley. Her body is incredible, every inch of it, the hidden scar on her chin, the butterfly tattoo on her right butt cheek, the perfect curves of her body. In the short time we’ve been together, I feel like I know her body very well, but there’s so much more to it that I want to discover.