My Favorite What If

by Lyssa Layne

  I lean against my table, my t-shirt in my hand, just watching this woman in front of me. The woman that could be the end of my heartache, but only in this fantasy world. My mind has me going places it shouldn’t so I don’t notice Sloan walking toward me, until her hands are on my chest.

  “Penny for your thoughts…” she says with raised eyebrows.

  My fingers comb through her long, honey hair and I sigh. “Lo, if you want to play this fantasy out for the next few days, that’s fine. I’ll take however much time you’ll give me, but know that everything between us has always been real.”

  There, I said it. She might run away as fast as she can, but at least I did what I could. She tenses under my touch and her smile fades away, but I don’t let it scare me. Instead, I lean down and brush my lips across hers so she doesn’t have to speak. Slowly, she pulls away from me, nodding, but not saying a word. She crawls onto her table, pulling the towel over her. I watch her just a few seconds then undress and do the same.

  Our masseuses come back in and begin the massages. Internally, I’m cussing myself out over what I said. Why couldn’t I just let things be? Enjoy things for now and not what they could be? Why, why, why??? Then, unexpectedly I feel Sloan’s hand on mine. I open my eyes and her fingers lace through mine, giving my hand a light squeeze. A grin spreads across my face and I close my eyes, letting my mind rest and enjoy the rest of our massage.

  Sloan

  I wanted a sign from Cooper to let me know it was okay to have these feelings for Smitty. I haven’t seen the sign I want, but the few smaller ones have let me know it is at least okay to have some fun. I don’t know when exactly, but I let my guard down. Maybe it was when Smitty said he booked the massage, something Cooper used to do for me, or maybe when we were mistaken for newlyweds.

  I don’t know, but when he called me Lo, something Cooper started and my family picked up on, I decided to stop with the “just now, just fun” attitude. I still can’t give him more than this vacation, but I want to be more than a bed buddy to Smitty, even if it’s only for a few more days. Smitty’s been trying his best to give me that and I’ve just been shooting him down, so I’m at least going to try to accept it, even if it ends up hurting more in the end.

  After our massage, we headed back to the room, both of our bodies oily, greasy, and smelling like chocolate. Once in the room, okay close enough to the room, we started undressing and spent the next hour slipping and sliding over each other. I’ve never enjoyed an orgasm as much as I have with just Smitty’s tongue and hands roaming over me.

  We’ve spent the past twenty minutes lying in bed, laughing with each other as we ask ridiculous questions. My head rests on his stomach as he lies back on the bed. Our fingers interlocked, Smitty’s thumb rubs back and forth along my hand while the other plays with my hair. I sigh, completely content in this moment and for the first time in five years.

  “What if you had a superpower, what would it be?” Smitty asks.

  I smile, turning my head toward him. “I’d be invisible so I could see you naked all the time.”

  He chuckles. “You already get to see that.” His fingers continue to stroke my hair and I think this may be more intimate than all the sex we’ve had.

  “True.” I nod and bite my bottom lip playfully. “What if you could have a blowjob every day for a year or have truly, mind blowing sex once a month, what would you pick?”

  My head moves up and down as his stomach shakes from laughing. “What the hell kind of question is that, Sloan?”

  Rolling over to my stomach, I grin and make a trail of kisses along his Adonis belt. Nearing the end of the V, the tattoo on his right thigh catches my attention. Slowly, I slide my hand over it until my fingers reach his semi-erect manhood. My hand starts to stroke him, making him harder. I sit up and straddle his legs. Smitty closes his eyes and he lets out a low moan. Smiling, I pick up the pace, my eyes wandering over his perfect body, admiring it once again.

  Then, for the first time, I look, like really look and inspect the tattoo on his leg. His well-defined quad muscle twitches, making the tattoo ripple across his skin. The ink is Roman numerals that read VI.V.MMXIV. I remember being taught how to write these numbers in school, but as an adult the only time I ever see them is the Super Bowl. Smitty moans again and my hand keeps working, trying to let him enjoy before I send him over the edge.

  VI.VI.MMXIV…V is five and the I after it adds one, so that’s six. Then the next is the same so another six. I have no idea what M means but looking at the length of that number compared to the other, it must be a year. So if it’s a date then six-six would be June 6. My hand stops briefly and I suck in my breath.

  Before Smitty can notice, I stroke faster, my chest heaves as I try not to lose control and have a full blown panic attack. This is the sign. June sixth is Cooper’s birthday. I asked for it and Cooper thoroughly delivered. Squeezing my eyes closed, I let the movement of my hand on Smitty’s fully hard erection calm me.

  Once I have control of my emotions, I open my eyes and take a deep breath. “What if this wasn’t a fantasy? What if it could be longer than this week?” I ask in a breathy whisper.

  Smitty’s eyes slowly open and he’s trying to hide his smile. “You mean what if we tried to date outside paradise, back home in St. Louis?”

  I bite my lip and nod, not because I fear rejection, but because I fear letting go of Cooper. Smitty stops my hand, putting it on his shoulders while his hands slide to my hips. The grin he was trying to suppress is let loose. “Well, then I’d plan on joining the Mile High Club on our flight home.”

  I giggle, not nervously, but in a relief. I love that he’s not making a big deal out of it, just letting it go as it will. “We’re doing that, no matter what.”

  He kisses my collarbone. “Good. Then once we landed, I’d take you back to my house and keep you there for a few more days before we have to really get back to the real world. Then we’d go about our daily lives, have sex every chance we get, and I’d take care of you and protect you every way I could.”

  Protect me? His head is still down, moving his lips along my bone so I can’t see his face. I’m looking too much into it, I relax against him and let his lips move along my chest. His mouth teases one breast while his hand works the other. This man is so sensitive, so tender, and I want nothing more than to see what happens once we leave here together.

  I lean forward, resting my head on his shoulder so my mouth is next to his ear. “That sounds wonderful,” I mumble and brush my lips across his shoulder.

  He looks down at me, his eyebrows quirked. “So that means you’re in? Because I was thinking I could extend our stay, but if you’d rather go back to St. Louis and hole up at my place for a few days, I’m all for that too. I mean, my place is just a bachelor pad, so it’s pretty basic and I’ll have to go to the grocer—”

  Laughing, I put my finger to his lips. “Sshh, Smitty. I’ll go where ever you are.” Then, I take his hand and use my finger to spell out R-E-L-A-X.

  CHAPTER 13

  Smitty

  “Bye, lover. I’ll see you after lunch.” Sloan stands up after kissing me and I reluctantly let her go.

  I sigh when the door closes behind her. Closing my eyes, a smile spreads across my face. Last night was nothing short of amazing and surprisingly, we only made love once. The rest of the evening, we spent getting to really know each other, like what our day to day lives are like. So far, it sounds like she’s a morning person while I’m a night owl, I’m going to have to learn to love her healthy cooking, which she swears is delicious, and I’m going to introduce her to the many fine hole in the wall bars in St. Charles County.

  I crawl out of bed and pull on a pair of basketball shorts. She’s headed to get ready with her family for Sissy’s wedding. I’m going to meet them on the beach for the ceremony after lunch. Until then, I have some extra energy to burn off, not to mention some plans to make. After three sets of push-ups, sit-ups, mountain climbers, and burpees
, I grab Jules’ iPad off the nightstand and walk on the deck. Opening up the Skype app, I look through the contacts. I need someone to help me get things ready for when Sloan and I return home. Hmm…definitely not Jules, she’ll freak and say she told me so. Doug? No, his wife is due any day and he’s already helping me out with the business. J.P.? Yep, he’s the guy.

  Sipping my coffee as I sit on the deck, I wait for J.P. to answer my call. When he finally answers, he’s holding his one-and-a-half-year-old and he looks like a zombie. I try to muffle my laughter, but there’s no hiding the chuckle that escapes.

  “Is that Smitty? Laughing?” J.P. asks, forcing a half-smile that looks like he’s using every ounce of energy he has.

  “Ha, ha, very funny. What’s going on there? Cal okay?”

  J.P. bounces the little boy in his arms. “Yeah, think we’re getting one-year-molars so none of us have slept in the past few days.” J.P. yawns and shakes his head, forcing his eyes to stay open.

  “Well, I need a favor. If you can help me out then I’ll watch Callum one night when I get back so you and Bri can sleep, or sleep.” I wink when I say the second sleep. I don’t know what’s got into me. I guess since I’ve been getting laid, I want everyone else to as well.

  “Smitty, that’s the problem! Ever since she had the baby, her sex drive is through the roof. Anytime we have a free minute, she’s all over me! I just want to sleep.” J.P. whines and I don’t even try to hide my laughter anymore.

  “Wow, what a shitty problem to have.”

  “Sorry, dude. I didn’t mean anything by it,” J.P. quickly apologizes.

  I shake my head. “No worries. You’re not the only one with a sex-crazed woman,” I boast.

  J.P.’s eyes go wide and his jaw drops. “What the— Did you meet her there? Oh man, that’s awesome!”

  “Yeah, I know. She’s incredible, man. Totally down-to-Earth, laidback, kind, and her family is great, too.”

  J.P. narrows his eyes. “Her family?”

  “Yeah, she’s here for her sister’s wedding, which is this afternoon.”

  J.P.’s lips turn down. “You sure you’re okay with attending the wedding? I know it was hard for you at Jules and Bentley’s…”

  I rub my hand back and forth over my five o’clock shadow. “It’s different this time. I’ll have Sloan there and…” Shit, how am I going to tell him the next part? He’s going to think I’m crazy, which now that I’m about to say it out loud, maybe I am. “She’s coming home with me,” I blurt out.

  J.P.’s voice is loud and his actions are animated when he shouts, “She’s WHAT?”

  “Relax, man, relax.” I hold my hands up, bouncing them up and down in a calm down motion. At the same time, I’m smiling to myself as I think about spelling that word out for Sloan. “It’s not as bad as it sounds. She’s from St. Louis and we both agreed to try dating back at home, not to just leave our fling here in Jamaica.”

  I watch the tension relax out of J.P.’s body and he nods. “Okay, sorry. I just didn’t want you jumping into anything.”

  “I appreciate that, man, but it’s not like that. She’s been heartbroken, too. Hasn’t dated in five years since her husband died.”

  Callum starts fussing and J.P. bounces him up and down. “Wow, her husband died? How?”

  “Remember the shooting at Midwest Air Corps a few years ago? That was her husband.” I cringe as I recall the story Will told me.

  “Seriously? That guy was one of their top engineers, international security clearance, and I think he even worked on a project for the White House.”

  My stomach knots. “Wow, J.P. thanks for building me up. How am I, a construction guy, supposed to compete with her dead husband that worked for the president?”

  J.P. shakes his head. “Sorry, that’s not what I was going for. Anyway, you gotta picture of her?”

  Mmm, yes, I do. “Not one that Bri would appreciate me showing you.” I laugh and think of the naked pictures I took of Sloan on my phone. Aside from the hot, nude woman I have saved to my memory card, I love that she was comfortable enough, and trusted me to take them.

  Callum wiggles and lets out a loud cry. “What was that favor you needed?”

  “I’m going to stay an extra day here with Sloan after her family leaves. Then we’ll fly back on Sunday and spend a few days at my place before we have to join the real world again. I’ll email you our flight info, could you make sure to let Jules know about the flight change?”

  Callum screams bloody murder and both J.P. and I cover our ears until his shrieking subsides to dull fussing. “Sure thing. Anything else?”

  I run my hand over my hair and take a deep breath. “Yeah, one more thing. Could you swing by my house and hide everything of Caroline’s?”

  J.P. is all blurry on the screen as he tries to rock and console the fussy toddler. I can hear him perfectly clear though. “You sure about that, Smitty?”

  Below the balcony on the beach, a barefooted Sloan is holding a floppy beach hat. She walks with her arm linked through her sister’s and her laughter floats up from the beach. Grinning at the sound of the tinkling laughter, I nod and look back at the iPad screen.

  “Absolutely.”

  Sloan

  Dragging my sister away from the resort toward the beach, I’m almost skipping I’m so giddy. My arm is looped through hers as I pull her quickly and she trips behind me.

  “What’s going on, Lolo?”

  I spin around and Sissy bumps into me after my abrupt movement. We both giggle and I place my hands on her shoulders, giving her a slight shake. “I know it’s your day, Sissy, but I’m too excited to keep this in.”

  Sissy’s eyebrows almost hit her hairline as she arches them in anticipation. “Well, what is it?”

  I take a deep breath. “I told Smitty we could try things out when we get back home.”

  Now her jaw practically drops to the sand and for once in her life, I think she’s speechless. Now that I’ve said it out loud, I begin to relax. Laughing, I put my finger under Sissy’s chin and close her mouth.

  She shakes her head back and forth quickly. “So you’re really ready to move on?”

  Contemplating her words, I slowly move my head up and down. “I… I think so. I thought about what you said, about Cooper’s last words and how he’d want me to be happy. I thought I was. I followed my dream, started my own healthy living and boot camp business, and I put my heart and soul into it. When business started thriving, I honestly felt as though I was happy, and maybe in some way I was, but it wasn’t until Smitty walked into my life a few days ago that I realized there was so much I was missing. I’ve missed having someone’s companionship, the intimacy of being held while I sleep, the secret laughs that we share. I don’t know if this relationship with Smitty is anything more than a fling, but I’m willing to give it a try back home. It’s a start, right?”

  Sissy bounces like a child hyped up on ice cream and cookies. “Yes, Lolo! Definitely a start! And I’m sure it’s more than just a fling. Watching the two of you is like watching an old married couple, it’s like you’ve known each other forever. You don’t see the way he looks at you, Lo, and how he touches you. He never wants to take his eyes off you and he holds you as though you’re the most delicate thing he’s ever held.” Sissy sighs and wraps her arms around me. “Sloan, we all want you to be happy. Mom and I really think Smitty is the key to that.”

  I squeeze my sister tightly. “I do, too. I wanted a sign from Cooper that it was okay to move on, to be happy without him. Once I started looking, they were everywhere…Smitty massaging my feet, he called me Lo, his tattoo is Coop’s birthday. It’s meant to be, right?”

  Sissy leans back, her nose scrunched. “Sure, but why does he have Cooper’s birthday tattooed on him?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll find out.” Honestly, I was too afraid to ask what it meant. Maybe that’s part of the reason I feel like I’m finally ready to move on, because I want to.

/>   A seagull caws in the air above us and I look up. When I do, I see Smitty sitting on the balcony, grinning at me. My heart races and I know the signs are right, it’s time for me to move on.

  CHAPTER 14

  Smitty

  I pop the last button through the hole on my dress shirt and take a look in the mirror. I’m definitely dressed the part for the wedding, but my stomach is burning. I have good reason to hate weddings, being that I was about to walk down the aisle just a year ago. Jules and Bentley got married a couple months after my failed attempt. My date, Jack Daniels, and I tried to hide our misery, but I didn’t even make it to the reception. This will only be my second attempt at watching another couple get their happy-ever-after and I’m hoping I can hold it together.

  I take a deep breath and lean over the counter, staring at myself in the mirror. “Get it together, Smitty. You can do this.”

  Nodding at myself, I splash on some cologne and walk out of the bathroom, almost tripping on a pink leopard print suitcase. A smile creeps over my face as I push the luggage out of the way. I love being surrounded by Sloan, even when she’s not here. Maybe that’s why I still have Caroline’s stuff all over my house. Dragging my hands down my face, I try to push the thought away.

  Before I have second thoughts, I head to the beach where the ceremony will be held. Some of Will’s family that I’ve met is milling around, but none of the Talbott family is in sight. In the back of my dark mind, I wonder if Will’s about to go through the same thing I did. Looking at him though, he doesn’t seem too concerned.

  Will’s sister and her husband chat with me, which is a nice distraction. My hands are getting clammy and I keep wiping them against my white linen pants. I’ve already undone the top two buttons on my navy shirt, but even with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows, I’m about to have a heat stroke, but it’s not the sun that’s causing this reaction.