Osmosis

by Susan X Meagher

  Reaching out to grasp her mother’s shoulders, Mia held her at arm’s length. “You can’t do that, Mom. No matter what I do … you can’t make me think differently or act differently. I’m an adult now. Even when you don’t agree with me … I’m an adult. You’ve got to let me make my own choices or we can’t have a relationship.”

  Blinking, Anna Lisa started to cry again. “You’d turn your back on me? Knowing how much I love you?”

  Her heart was thudding in her chest, and she thought she might be sick, but Mia nodded slowly. “I’d have to. I wouldn’t ever want to … but I’d have to.”

  “How can you say that to me? I’m your mother!”

  Mia released her, but kept her gaze fixed on her mother’s dark eyes. “I love you and Dad more than you’ll ever know, but I have to live my own life. I have to make my own decisions. If I let you make them … I’ll blame you if they don’t go well. That’s not how I want to live.” She wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. “I miss you so much, Mom, but I can’t go on like we have been.”

  Anna Lisa looked as stunned as Mia had ever seen her. She also looked so deeply wounded that Mia’s heart hurt from seeing her expression. “What are you talking about? What have I done that’s so wrong?”

  “It’s not you,” Mia said, trying to remove every bit of blame or judgment from her voice. “It’s us. We’re too much alike. We both get too emotional and start yelling at each other.”

  Making a dismissive gesture, Anna Lisa said, “That’s nothing! It all blows over in a few minutes.”

  “Not for me it doesn’t. You hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt. And I keep replaying what you said to me in my head. And if things had blown over for you, you would have called me before now.”

  Dropping her shoulders, Anna Lisa scanned the apartment again. “Is there anywhere to sit? I’m exhausted.”

  “In the kitchen.”

  They walked into the kitchen and both sat down. “Do you want something?” Mia asked. “I could make a fresh pot of coffee.”

  “No, no, don’t get up. I’ve had too much coffee already.” Anna Lisa sat still for a few moments, then gazed at her daughter. “Are you here because you want to be, or are you doing this just to punish me?”

  Unable to stop a derisive laugh, Mia shook her head. “I know I’ve done a lot of stupid things, but I wouldn’t fake being in love with someone just to piss you off.”

  “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” The snappish quality was back in Anna Lisa’s voice. “I meant coming here … dropping out of school … cutting yourself off from us.”

  Holding up her hand, Mia ticked off her answers. “One, I didn’t drop out of school. I’m going to finish on time. Two, I didn’t cut myself off from you. You cut yourselves off from me. And three, I came here because I love Jordan and want to support her during a tough time.” She blew out a weary breath. “But I did come here when I did partially to get you back. I was being dramatic.”

  Cocking her head, Anna Lisa asked, “Dramatic?”

  “Yeah. When you told me that you weren’t going to pay for my living expenses any more I got crazy. It was overly dramatic of me to pack up and leave.”

  “Thank God you see that now!”

  “Unh-uh,” Mia said. “I agree that I shouldn’t have been so rash, but I’m glad I came. I’m doing really well with my course work and I’m being a good partner for Jordan. She works so hard that she really needs someone to make sure she eats a good meal and gets her rest.”

  With a puzzled look, Anna Lisa asked, “Who makes sure she eats well?”

  “You don’t have to look so shocked,” Mia said, a little snappishness coming back to her voice. “Jamie’s walked me through a bunch of things I can make. I admit I suck at doing anything interesting, but you’ve got to admit you never let me do a thing in the kitchen.”

  “You never asked!”

  “I most certainly did!” The volume was rising, but Mia felt powerless to stop. “When I was little I always wanted to help. You always told me that I was too little and cooking was too hard for a child.”

  “It is! It was! A five-year-old can’t make a decent ragu!”

  Mia slapped her hands onto the table. “This is nuts! We’re arguing about things that happened fifteen years ago!”

  “Then don’t blame me because you can’t cook. I would have loved some help in the kitchen.”

  “I refuse to argue about this. The facts are that Nonna won’t let you do a thing when you visit her and you won’t let me do a thing at our house. That’s just how you are.”

  “Nonna taught me how to cook when I got married,” Anna Lisa said. “That’s how we do things.”

  “Fine. You can teach me now. Jordan and I would marry in an instant if we could. She’s your… daughter-in-law.”

  “She’s no such thing. You can’t get married, and even if you could … you’re not mature enough. You’re still a child, Mia, and you prove that by doing childish things.” She looked around the room. “This apartment is the best indication of that. What would cause you two to pick such an awful place?”

  Her inclination was to snap off a smart remark, but Mia didn’t give in. “I know this is a dump. But Jordan’s trying to pay as little as possible for rent. We share this with four other women.”

  “Four!” Anna Lisa stood up and started to walk down the hall. Every door was open, and she looked into each mostly-bare room, shaking her head and mumbling. When she reached the end of the hall, Mia pointed into her and Jordan’s room. Eyes wide, Anna Lisa seemed at a loss for words. She stood in the tiny, cramped space; her eyes scanning over the plastic bins that held clothes and books and personal items. “Those people locked in a house on that TV show live better than this.”

  “This is how you live when you don’t have money. Jordan gets a small stipend, and, as you know, I get nothing.”

  “You have a lovely home in Berkeley. And you’ll never convince me that Jamie would have thrown you out for being behind in rent.”

  “No, she wouldn’t. But it’s a moot point because I wouldn’t take advantage of her that way. I wouldn’t sponge off my best friend just because my parents were being unreasonable.”

  Anna Lisa brushed by her on the way back to the kitchen. “It’s not unreasonable to expect your daughter to act like herself. I wouldn’t support your living in a cult or joining the French Foreign Legion either.”

  When they’d both sat down, Mia stared at her mother for a little while, her eyes narrowed in thought. “I don’t know how to prove to you that I love Jordan. I guess it’s not possible. This is where our love for each other should take over. This is when you trust me. Not because you think I’m doing the right thing … but because you acknowledge I’m old enough to make my own decisions. It’s that simple, Mom. Either you support my being an adult or you don’t.”

  “And by support … you mean paying for you to do something we disapprove of.”

  “Nope. I don’t want your money.” Mia leaned back in her chair and met her mother’s eyes. “I think we’ll be better off if I support myself. Besides, if you’re not truly supportive … I’d rather you didn’t fake it. All I want is to have a relationship with you and Dad again. That’s it.”

  “And you’ll stay here … in this boarding house?”

  “Uh-huh. Until we decide we can afford something better. Obviously, we’re paying next to nothing to live here. But if I get a job, we’ll be able to move someplace nicer. Once we decide what our travel schedule is, I’ll be able to look for work.”

  “Traveling? Why are you traveling?”

  Mia paused for a second before she answered. Slowly, she explained once more. “Jordan is on the Olympic volleyball team. They travel to play teams from other countries. Russia is our first stop. That’s in two weeks.”

  “Russia!”

  “Yes, Russia. They play all over the world.”

  “Who’s paying for that?”

  “Jordan’s paying for my pa
rt. She gets to travel for free, of course.”

  “That must be a lot of money! Why not use that money to get a nicer apartment? And some furniture!”

  “Because Jordan wants me to go with her. She plays better when we’re together.”

  Anna Lisa put her head in her hands and groaned. “Is this some sort of hero-worship thing you have going on? Do you wish you were on this team?”

  Mia grasped her mother’s arm and pulled it from her face. “I’m … in … love. That’s all there is to it. I love Jordan, and I’m doing what’s best for her at this point in her life. When her career is over, we’ll decide where to live and what to do.”

  A long minute passed while Anna Lisa stared at her daughter, her feelings masked behind her puzzled expression. “There are a lot of things I don’t understand about young women, and this … experimenting with homosexuality is one of them. I’ve been doing some reading, and it seems like this is a nationwide fad. I just can’t imagine why this appeals to you girls. When I was your age …” She shook her head, looking totally confused as well as frustrated. “I can’t even imagine what would have become of a girl who not only played around with other girls … but wasn’t even ashamed of it!”

  “Would that make you happy?” Mia jumped to her feet, looking like she was going to throw something … possibly a punch. “Would you like it better if I was ready to hang myself because of these disgusting urges?”

  “Calm down!” Anna Lisa shouted. “I didn’t say it was disgusting. Especially not if that’s the only thing you know. If you’d been a little tom-boy who never looked at a boy I’d understand better. But you’re not like that!” She growled with frustration, then slapped her hands on the table. “I spent hours pulling you off boys. You were always trying to go too far … right under my roof! You can’t tell me you were acting when you had some boy on his back on my good sofa, looking like you were going to mount him at any second!”

  “I wasn’t acting!” She kicked the nearest cabinet and whirled around in a tight circle, feeling like she’d explode. “I like having sex with men! But I also like having sex with women. I like them both … a lot. And I’ve had enough experience to know what really satisfies me. And I know …” She leaned over and put her hands flat on the table, resting her weight on them while she glared at her mother. “That no one has ever pleased me like Jordan does. And that’s not because of her sex. It’s because she loves me and I love her.”

  Acting as though she hadn’t heard a word, Anna Lisa shook her head and looked away. “Is Jordan going to make all of your decisions?” she asked, making Mia’s head spin.

  “What in the hell are you talking about?”

  “Your story about delaying law school was just that, wasn’t it? A story? Something you told us to placate us? Something you came up with so you could follow Jordan’s dream?”

  “No, it wasn’t. And we don’t have the kind of relationship where one of us makes the decisions. We’ll each have time to do what we want, and her time is now.”

  “But it wasn’t a story,” Anna Lisa said, her suspicion obvious.

  “I didn’t know all of the facts when I told you that. I wasn’t aware that Jordan might want to stay with the team for the next quadrennial.”

  “A what?”

  “Quadrennial. That’s what they call the four years leading up to the next Olympics. She might want to play in 2004. She’s pretty excited about being able to play in Athens … the birthplace of the ancient Olympics.”

  “And you’d … what?”

  “We’re not sure. There’s nothing very concrete about being a world-class athlete. A thousand things could happen to make her stick with this or leave. One of her teammates is playing in her fourth Olympics. That’s sixteen years.”

  “Oh, my God! Don’t tell me Jordan wants to do that!”

  Mia shrugged. “She might. And if she does, I want to be there for her. This isn’t just a whim for her. She’s worked for this since she was a little girl.”

  “And her dream has to be yours?”

  Nodding, Mia said, “Yep. When you fall in love with someone who has a dream, you have to do your best to help her realize it. It’s not really love if you don’t.”

  Anna Lisa sighed and closed her eyes. After a moment, she looked at Mia and stroked her cheek, her expression full of tenderness. “This isn’t what I want for you.”

  Mia covered her mother’s hand with her own. “I know that. But it’s what I want. Jordan’s who I want. I’d love her if she were a demolitions expert or a stunt woman or a helicopter pilot. When you love a woman you have to love all of her … even the things that worry you or make life unpredictable.”

  Picking up Mia’s other hand, Anna Lisa kissed it tenderly, then clutched it to her heart for a moment, clearly struggling with her emotions. “Where is this woman?”

  Mia glanced at the clock on the stove. “She should be home soon. She took my car so she could come straight home. The other women stay at the facility to eat the free food.”

  “What do you have for her to eat?”

  “Uhm … nothing. I was going to go to the grocery store when she got home.”

  Anna Lisa stood. “I have a rental car. Let’s go now.”

  Mia looked up at her. “Now?”

  “You have a job, right? How are you going to feed her if you don’t have food in the house?”

  Stunned, Mia stood and gamely followed her mother out of the apartment, then dashed back in and left a note for Jordan.

  Hi, babe.

  Big surprise. My mom’s here. We went to the store. Be back soon.

  Love you!

  Me

  When Mia opened the door to the apartment, she heard the blow dryer in the bathroom. “She just took a shower,” she said to her mother. “She does that here so she’s home sooner.”

  “I’ll put the groceries away,” Anna Lisa said. “You can go tell her that I’m not carrying a weapon.”

  “I don’t know that you’re not!” Mia wrinkled her nose and took off down the hall.

  Without knocking, she flung the door open, making Jordan squeal. “Ahh!”

  “It’s just me.” Mia wrapped her arms around Jordan’s warm body and kissed her gently. “Miss me?”

  “Is your mother here?”

  “Yeah. She’s in the kitchen.”

  “Then why are you so … normal?”

  Pulling away, Mia sat on the edge of the tub. “I’m not sure. We have had a few arguments, but she seems like she wants to make peace. It was her idea to go to the store so we could get something ready for your lunch.”

  Jordan tilted her head. “Really?”

  “Yeah. It feels weird, but … also kinda normal. I’m … I’m not sure how I feel yet, but it’s going okay so far. She really wants to meet you.”

  “I wanna meet her, too, but I’m a little worried about doing it in the kitchen.”

  Mia stood and patted Jordan’s bare butt. “We don’t have any knives sharp enough to kill you. Don’t sweat it.”

  It took a very, very long time for Jordan to emerge from their room, but Mia thought it was well worth the wait. Jordan walked into the kitchen wearing a sky-blue cashmere turtleneck and off-white corduroy jeans. She wore her hair just like Mia liked it—parted on the side so that a few strands tumbled into her eyes. Mia noted that she’d put on makeup … just enough to make her look fantastically casual. “Hi,” she said, making Anna Lisa turn from the sink and stare at her. “I’m Jordan.”

  Wiping her hands on a towel, Anna Lisa shook Jordan’s proffered hand. “Anna Lisa. It’s good to finally meet you, Jordan.”

  “Yeah. It is.” Jordan stood there, looking like she didn’t have another word to offer. But she was smiling as if she were waiting for a camera shutter to snap.

  “We’re making your lunch,” Anna Lisa said. “I’ve never had tofu. Do you really like it?”

  Still smiling, Jordan said, “No, not really. It’s not bad if you can flavor it with somet
hing good, but I’m not eating much fat right now, so I’m kinda limited. It’s a good way to add protein to my salad, though, so I just gobble it down. I’m usually so hungry that I barely register what goes into my mouth.”

  Scoffing, Anna Lisa said, “That’s no way to go through life! Food is one of the most wonderful things we have.”

  “I agree, and I love to eat good food. My nutritionist just has some firm rules. I’m doing my best to stick with them.”

  “I don’t know if what I’m trying will be edible, but when Mia told me how you were limited I decided to see if I could think of something a little bit different. You must be going mad!”

  Jordan shrugged, looking adorable to Mia, who was studying her with affection. “I don’t mind. I’m used to making sacrifices.”

  “Sit down,” Anna Lisa insisted. “You must be tired.”

  Jordan did, then asked, “Did you fly in … Mrs. Christopher?”

  “Call me Anna Lisa. And, yes, I did. Early this morning.”

  “Uhm … staying long?”

  Anna Lisa looked over her shoulder and smiled at Jordan. “Don’t worry. I’m not moving in.”

  “Oh! I didn’t mean anything by that. I just don’t know … uhm … anything.”

  “My visit was a surprise. I was moping around the house yesterday and decided this has gone on long enough.”

  “What has?” Jordan asked, sounding terrified.

  Anna Lisa turned and put her arm around Mia, who was standing next to her. “No, I’m not here to drag my little girl home … although I wish I could.”

  “Mom!” Mia scowled at her.

  “I’m being honest. I wish I could take your hand and bring you home. But … I can’t. And I can’t bear to have this distance between us. So … you win. I’m going to try to keep my mouth shut and let you make your own decisions.”

  Jordan beamed at her. “That’s gonna make Mia so happy. She’s really been down.”

  “I’ve been fine,” Mia said, scowling. “But it has been hard to feel like I can’t call home.”