Osmosis

by Susan X Meagher

  “You don’t wanna see the bathroom,” Harvey said quietly. “We’re gonna have to put new tile on the floor and probably a new toilet.”

  “That’s fine,” both women said quickly.

  They looked briefly at the kitchen, but the grimy appliances were hard to see beneath the haphazard clutter of pizza boxes and take-out cartons. “I don’t think they’ve ever turned the oven on, and they never buy food, so this room won’t be too hard to clean.”

  “We don’t have to clean it, do we?” Mia asked, chuckling.

  “Not unless ya want to,” Harvey said. “Give you a month free if ya do.”

  Mia was seriously considering the offer when Jordan said, “Can we go outside? The smell’s awful.”

  Harvey nodded and they went out into the hall. “What is that smell?” Jordan asked.

  “I think it’s pot, isn’t it?” Harvey looked to her for confirmation.

  “Never smoked it,” she said.

  “I have,” Mia volunteered, making Harvey laugh. “But it doesn’t smell like anything I’ve ever smoked.”

  “Smells like a dirty locker room,” Jordan said, her nose wrinkled up in distaste.

  “It’ll be fine once we replace the carpet,” Harvey said. “I’ve had places that smelled a lot worse than that.”

  “Lucky you,” Jordan said, her nose still twitching.

  They went back to the office, and he said, “So? Ya want it?”

  “Could we step outside for a minute?” Mia asked.

  “Sure. Just so you know, I’ve got someone coming at 9:00, and whoever puts the application down first wins.”

  “No problem,” she said. “We just need a few minutes.” She took Jordan’s hand and led her out of the building. “What do you think?”

  “Uhm … well, it was big,” Jordan said. “And bright. But I don’t know if it’ll ever smell right.”

  “Oh, we could fix that,” Mia said, having no idea how to do so. “Do you think we can afford it?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I guess so. It’s about $120 more than we pay now, but we could cut back on—”

  “Entertainment?” Mia supplied, smiling up at Jordan. “If I didn’t go to Russia with you, that’d probably pay the difference for six months, wouldn’t it?”

  Jordan’s face fell. She looked down for just a moment, then met Mia’s eyes. “Yeah. I budgeted $1500 for the trip.”

  “There are other ways to pay the difference,” Mia said. “I was just … you know … thinking of ways to economize.”

  “You don’t have to go to Russia,” Jordan said. “I’ll be fine.”

  “It was about two minutes ago that you said you didn’t think I should go! Damn it, Jordy, I don’t know what you want!”

  Jordan looked remarkably uncertain of herself. She refused to look Mia in the eye, seeming to inspect the outside of the building with great interest. Finally shrugging her shoulders, she said, “You shouldn’t come. I can tell you don’t want to.”

  “Argh! Don’t think for me! We need to decide this together. I’m thinking out loud, Jordan. We haven’t decided anything.”

  “Okay, okay,” Jordan said, obviously anxious to move on. “We’ll talk about it later.”

  “So?” Mia put her arms around Jordan’s waist. “Do you wanna do it?”

  Jordan looked down at her and smiled. “Yeah, but we should wait until we get home.”

  Mia bumped her with her hip. “Come on. What do you say?”

  “If you wanna move, this looks like a good deal. I’d rather not pay more than we’re paying now, but your happiness is worth a lot more to me than $120 a month.”

  “$170 after six months,” Mia said, having omitted that detail from her sales pitch.

  “Huh?”

  “It’s $450 for six months, and $500 for the next six.” She put her hands on Jordan’s hips and pushed her back and forth. “But it’s still a good deal!”

  Jordan’s expression grew concerned. “A year’s lease? We’re only on a six-month now. I just assumed—”

  “We’re on a six-month lease? I didn’t know that. I assumed every place would make you sign for a year.”

  “No, we didn’t have to,” Jordan said, obviously working out the numbers in her head. “Uhm … I guess we can swing it, but it’s gonna be empty most of the second half of the lease.”

  “Oh, fuck. I didn’t think about that. I forgot you said that most people take time off after the Games.”

  “Yeah, but we can come back here if you want.”

  “No, no, I don’t want to. I wanna go home as soon as we can. Is it up to you where you go?”

  Jordan looked puzzled. “Who else would make that decision?”

  “I just thought that they might make some of you stay here. To keep the team going.”

  “Don’t you get this? There is no team after the Games.”

  Mia blinked, then shook her head. “I’m always feeling like there’s a big calendar somewhere, and you know what’s on it. For some reason, you tell me only what I have to know.” Her eyes were narrowed and Jordan backed up a step.

  “I’m sure I’ve told you this stuff,” Jordan said, looking truly puzzled. “I’m sure of it!”

  “Well I’m sure you haven’t.”

  “Doesn’t matter now. We can move if you want to. This place is fine.”

  Mia slapped herself in the forehead. “But if we move, we have to pay rent here and in Berkeley?”

  “Yeah. Unless … no, you wouldn’t wanna do that.”

  “What? What don’t I want now?”

  “Well, we could stay with my mom. We wouldn’t have to pay rent there.”

  “Good guess,” Mia snapped. “We’re not living with any of our parents.” She closed her eyes tightly and let out a breath. “Stay here. I’m gonna go tell Harvey I’ve got my head up my ass and don’t even know how long I can sign a lease for.”

  “Mia—” But Mia wasn’t there to hear her speak. She was marching for Harvey’s office, and Jordan was fairly sure that steam was coming out of her ears.

  It was a lovely spring day, and Mia didn’t want to spend it in their apartment, so when she exited the office she went to the car, with Jordan silently trailing along behind her. They got in the car and Jordan wisely kept her mouth shut while Mia drove. It soon became clear they were heading up into the hills, and after about forty-five minutes Mia pulled off the road and entered a state park.

  They both got out and stretched, and Mia walked over to Jordan and took her hand. She didn’t speak, just led her to a lovely vista where they could see for miles. Jordan was just the tiniest bit afraid that Mia might push her over the railing, and she breathed a sigh of relief when Mia wrapped an arm around her waist.

  Mia was looking out at the view, and she continued to stare at the scenery when she began to speak in a quiet voice. “We’re not telling each other some important things. You freaked out when I didn’t tell you how unhappy I was, but you’re hiding stuff from me that affects all of our plans.”

  “I don’t mean to,” Jordan began, but Mia started to talk over her.

  “Maybe you don’t like to think about the future,” Mia said. “Hell, I don’t know why you didn’t tell me about making more cuts on the team, but you didn’t. Now, you obviously don’t wanna talk about this, but we’re going to, Jordan. We’re not leaving here until I know everything that you know about this team, and your schedule, and your plans.” She looked into Jordan’s eyes. “I’ll leave you here if I have to, but you’re not getting into that car until you spill it.”

  Jordan leaned on the railing and shook her head. “I’m so sorry I screwed up. I thought you knew this stuff, I really did.”

  “How could I?” Mia asked, trying to keep the rancor from her voice. “Am I at your team meetings?”

  “No, no, you’re not,” Jordan said, looking contrite. “I just get focused and assume everyone knows what I know. It’s so important … and I think about it so much …” She shivered and a few tears ro
lled down her cheeks. “I’m worried all the time. I’ve never felt this kinda pressure, and I guess I don’t talk about it just so I have some breathing room.”

  “Jordy!” Mia’s arms were around her lover in moments. “I didn’t know you felt so much pressure. What’s going on?”

  Jordan shook her head and swiped angrily at her tears. “I shouldn’t be letting it get to me. It’s hard to play well when I’m tense.”

  “But why are you worried?”

  Giving her a look that questioned her sanity, Jordan said, “I’m being judged every day, every single day! Do you know what it’s like to have your every move watched? Knowing that one bad day can kill something you’ve dreamed of for fifteen years?” Her voice was high and her cheeks were flushed with emotion.

  “No, no, I don’t,” Mia said. “I have no idea of how that feels. But …” She tried to make sure she was framing her statement properly. “Why would one bad day hurt you?”

  “Because they’re gonna make another cut next week, and then two more in July. I have to make sure that there are three people worse than me for the next three months.”

  “Okay.” Mia put her hands on Jordan’s chest. “Tell me—in order—what’s going on for the next few months.”

  Jordan blew out a breath and her eyebrows popped up as she considered the question. “Well … there’s another cut next week. Then we’ll have sixteen players in camp.”

  “How many do you take to Sydney?”

  “Eleven,” Jordan said, swallowing hard. “And we’ve got three people in Europe who’ll probably make the team, so … we’ve really got nineteen. That’s a lot of people to cut.”

  “You won’t be one of them,” Mia said, enunciating each word. “Now, stick to the topic. What happens next?”

  “We go to Russia. They’re gonna expect a lot out of us on that trip. They wanna make sure we don’t get spooked playing two great teams in a place where we’re uncomfortable and not used to the food and jet lagged. Then we’re home for two weeks to get ready for a short trip to Dallas and a few spots in Colorado. It’s like that the rest of the summer — a couple of weeks of travel and a couple of weeks at home.”

  “Until September?”

  “No. August. We leave for Australia about three weeks before the Games start. They wanna make sure we have time to adjust for jet lag and stuff like that.”

  “And after the Games?”

  “We’re done.” Jordan held up her hands. “As soon as the Games are over, the 2000 team is history.”

  “What do people do then?”

  “Everybody takes a few months off, then some people go to Europe to play. One of our best players is in Europe now. She won’t join the team until May.”

  “Would you do that?” Mia was terrified of the answer.

  “Mmm … if we weren’t together, I would; it’d be good for me to play in Europe. But I couldn’t ask you to do that. So I’ll probably come back to Colorado in six months or so. I can play in NORCECA matches and work with the coaches. It’s always a good idea to be here so they don’t forget about you.”

  “Then the whole thing starts again?”

  “Kinda. But if you’re returning, they try to give you more feedback about how you’re doing, at least that’s what Jill tells me. She says they let you know if you’re not gonna make it.”

  “So we’d be here for … three … three and a half years?”

  “Yeah.” Jordan nodded solemnly. “Seems like a long time, huh?”

  “No, no,” Mia put her arm around Jordan and gave her a quick hug. “I’d just have to get a job and make a home for us.”

  “But then you wouldn’t travel with me.”

  Mia looked at her, meeting her eyes for a few seconds. “I couldn’t, honey. I’d have to have a job and make some friends, put down some roots. Three years is a long time.”

  “You’d do that for me?”

  Jordan was looking at her with such a tender, grateful expression that Mia pulled her down and kissed her. “Jordan, when am I gonna convince you that I’d do anything for you? Living in Colorado is no big deal. It’s beautiful here! And if we had our own place and some money to spend and some friends—we’d be set. It’s only hard now because we’re so unsettled.”

  “But you were gonna go to law school.”

  “I still can. I’m not in a rush to be back in school. I’ll go when we go home. You can get your masters in architecture and I’ll go to law school. We can be study buddies again.”

  “But how will we pay for all of that tuition? And living expenses? I can’t imagine how—”

  Mia placed her hand over her lover’s mouth, grinning at the outraged expression Jordan gave her. “My parents will pay my tuition. And you’ve got savings for yours, right?”

  “Yeah, but we still have to live.”

  “Don’t think about that now.” She slipped her arms around Jordan’s waist. “You worry too much. You’ve gotta learn some of that ‘in the moment’ stuff that Ryan’s so good at.”

  “I’m no Ryan,” Jordan said, smiling.

  “You’re my perfect Jordan, and I couldn’t be happier with you.” She kissed her tenderly, letting her fingers slide through her hair.

  “Not mad at me?”

  “Nope. I feel better now that I know what in the hell’s going on, but I think I get why you don’t like talking about it too much. Now we don’t have to talk about it any more. You can just focus on being your best every day.”

  “Thanks,” Jordan said, nuzzling her face into Mia’s hair. “I’m sorry I screwed up and didn’t tell you a lot of stuff.”

  “It’s okay.” Mia scratched Jordan’s back roughly, making her squirm. “I think we’re both trying to make sure the other one’s happy. We just have to keep talking rather than guessing.”

  “I’ll try. Now … what are we gonna do about Russia? I’ve got the money, I’ve made the reservation, do you wanna go or not?”

  “Let’s go home.” Mia had Jordan’s hand in both of hers and she was tugging her toward the car.

  Jordan laughed at the playful look on Mia’s face. “What’s up with you?”

  “I wanna go home and play with you.”

  “Okay, I’ll play. Got anything in mind?”

  Mia scrunched her face up, seemingly in thought. “I wanna play … hide the tongue.”

  “Hide the tongue, huh?” Jordan slipped an arm around Mia’s waist and guided her to the car. “Sounds like fun. How do we play?”

  “We get all naked and then try to hide our tongues on, or … in each other.”

  “Hmm … and what’s the point of this game?”

  “Don’t be so competitive! Isn’t just playing enough?”

  “In this case … yes,” Jordan said. She reached for Mia and let out an “oof” when Mia jumped into her arms and wrapped her legs around her waist. “So I have to carry you, huh?”

  “Yep. And I get to play the game first.”

  “Sounds like a deal.” Jordan had to concentrate to hold on to Mia, and she was panting by the time they reached the car. “Hey, you didn’t answer my question. Are you gonna go with me?”

  “Not sure,” Mia said. “Ask me again when I can concentrate. All I can think about now is where to hide my tongue.”

  “Please don’t let me distract you. You’ve got a goal!”

  Ryan quietly entered their hotel room at 5:30 that afternoon, pleased to see that Jamie was sound asleep. She needed a shower, but she didn’t want to wake her partner so she slipped off her warm-ups and lay down on the spare bed. She was so tired that she’d barely gotten settled before she was sound asleep.

  A few hours later a soft voice said, “Honey, can you help me get up?”

  Immediately, Ryan was on her feet. “Yeah. Just hold on a sec.”

  Jamie smiled at her, taking in her wild hair and glassy eyes. “I just need to pee. No rush.”

  Ryan went to the right side of the bed so she could use Jamie’s good arm to help her. “No pro
blem. I inherited my father’s fire-bell response time.”

  “You really did,” Jamie reflected. “Especially if I’m not feeling well. It’s like you don’t sleep soundly if you’re worried about me.”

  “That’s the truth. I can’t concentrate on softball when I’m worried about you, either. Luckily, I didn’t play and we didn’t score, so I didn’t have much to worry about.”

  “Ooo … another bad day?”

  “I think we’ve scored three runs in the last two weeks. I’d say that’s a bad streak.” She slid her arm under Jamie’s back and helped her sit, then she ran to the other side of the bed and supported her while she stood. “Okay?”

  “Not bad. I’m a little light-headed.”

  “That could be from the Vike, or from being up all night.”

  “I think I should have something to eat. You hungry?”

  “Always,” Ryan said with a smile. She guided her into the bathroom and held her good hand while Jamie sat. “Call me when you’re done.”

  “I will if I need you.”

  “Need me,” Ryan ordered. “If you’re light-headed, I don’t want to take any chances. I’ll order from room service. Anything sound good?”

  “Club sandwich, grilled cheese, something simple.”

  “Okay. I’m right here when you’re finished.”

  “Got it. Now go get us some food. And some ibuprofen.”

  Ryan smiled. “I’ve got some in my bag. I never leave home without it.”

  By eleven o’clock, Jamie began to nod off. Ryan was sitting in a chair, with her feet up on the bed, and she got up and perched on the edge of the bed. “Hey,” she whispered.

  Jamie’s eyes blinked open foggily. “Yeah?”

  “Time to sleep.”

  An adorable grin split her lips and Jamie said, “Beat ya to it.”

  Ryan kissed her cheek and ran her hand through Jamie’s mussed hair. “Yeah, ya did. Want to use the bathroom?”

  “I’d better. Help me?”