Osmosis

by Susan X Meagher

  “Any time, princess.” Ryan helped her put toothpaste on her brush and left her alone. When Jamie emerged, Ryan had put all of their pillows on the bed, some at the head, some at the side.

  “What’s up with the pillows?”

  “Trying to make you more comfortable. I think you’ll sleep better on your side.”

  Jamie sat down, then scooted across the bed to lie down. She let Ryan move her heavy arm and place it on the stacked pillows. “Hmm … I think you’re on to something.”

  “Feel good?”

  “Yeah. Much better. It keeps surprising me how heavy this splint is. Is the cast gonna be even heavier?”

  “You probably won’t have to wear one. You just need to keep your elbow straight. They’ll probably let you wear the splint you have. That’s what I did.”

  “Mmm … not sure that’s my preference. It’s not very cool looking.” She cast a look at the offending appendage. “I want one people can sign.”

  Ryan gently tickled Jamie’s bare hip. “If you get one I’ll put little hearts on it so everyone knows you’re my girl.”

  “Ya know, I’m a little surprised by something.”

  “What?”

  “I’m surprised that … you’re not more … mmm … freaked out about this. I was worried that you’d … I don’t know …”

  Ryan bent over and kissed Jamie’s cheek, then nuzzled against her for a moment. “You lucked out,” she whispered.

  “Hmm? What do you mean?”

  “I feel bad for you, babe. I know it hurts. I know it’s a pain not to be able to do things for yourself and all that stuff. But it’s not like having … uhm … an illness or something unpredictable. I’m not worried about you, and that makes a big difference.”

  “Huh.” Jamie smiled at her. “I’m kinda worried about me. This whole thing has freaked me out a little bit.”

  Ryan stroked her back, leaning close to look in her eyes. “Tell me why you’re freaked.”

  “I’ve never … ever had a serious injury. No stitches, no breaks, no operations … nothing! It’s weird to think of how easy it is to hurt yourself. I mean, I could have hit my head or broken more than just my elbow.”

  “I know,” Ryan said, kissing her gently. “I know, baby.” She stayed right where she was and looked into her lover’s eyes. “We all walk around with this belief that we’re fine and safe, and nothing bad will happen to us. Most of the time, that’s absolutely true. But when something like this happens … that invincible feeling goes away for a while. Not very long, though.” She tapped Jamie’s nose. “In a few days, you’ll feel just like normal.”

  “Kinda like earthquakes?”

  Ryan spent a moment trying to figure out the analogy. Then she smiled and nodded. “Yeah. We could have one at any second, but you don’t think about ’em until you have one. Then you jump every time a truck rolls by.”

  “I’m jumpy,” Jamie admitted. “I kept waking up feeling like I was falling.”

  “That makes perfect sense. This is traumatic, baby. I’m sure I was the same way the first few times I broke something. I was too young to remember, but I’m sure I was,” she said, laughing.

  “You always were a prodigy.” Jamie giggled and snuggled up against her pillows. “Now get into bed.”

  “I’m gonna sleep in the other bed,” Ryan said. “I want you to have room to move around, and I don’t want you too close to the edge.”

  “Aw, don’t do that!”

  “This is just a full-sized bed, honey. You’ll sleep better if you’re not crowded.” She kissed Jamie gently, spending a few minutes basking in the softness of her lips. “We’ll sleep together when we get home.” She gave her partner one more kiss and a tickle to remove the pout that had formed. “Promise.”

  “If I don’t break anything else. Or we don’t have a bad earthquake. Or our plane doesn’t crash. Or—”

  Ryan put a hand over her mouth. “You’re doing really well at this ‘I’m not invincible’ thing.” She kissed her again. “Sleep now. I’m right here if you need anything.”

  “You’re all I need,” Jamie said, yawning. “These Vicodin really make me sleepy.”

  “They’re supposed to. Now close those sweet eyes and get some sleep.”

  “G’night, sweetheart. Don’t break anything while I’m not watching.”

  “Good night, Jamie,” Ryan said, rolling her eyes. “Put that active little mind on hold. You can worry about things tomorrow.”

  “Oh, I will. I’ve got a whole list.”

  Jamie and Ryan repeated Saturday’s argument on Sunday, but Jamie insisted that Ryan play—even though Ryan knew that Jamie hadn’t slept well and that she was pretty uncomfortable. Ryan set her up with one of her textbooks and a large glass of ice water, then made sure her cell phone was on and fully charged.

  “I feel like I’m abandoning you,” Ryan said, standing with her hands on her hips while looking around the room for something else to do to make her partner more comfortable.

  “I’m throwing you out. Big difference.” Jamie smiled and said, “Come give me a kiss.”

  Ryan did, then inspected her set-up again. “I’ve done all I can,” she said, looking unhappy.

  “I can get up by myself and I’m not light-headed anymore. Now go play!”

  “I will … but I won’t like it,” Ryan said, scowling dramatically.

  Jordan got up at her usual time on Sunday and went to work out in the weight room. She usually did that on Saturday, but since she and Mia had been looking at the apartment, she’d skipped the usual team session. Now Mia was stuck at home with the roommates, so she decided to stay in bed rather than have to interact with them.

  Around 9:00 she finally got up and took a shower. To avoid eating another bowl of granola, she took Jordan’s bike and rode to the Barnes and Noble to treat herself to breakfast. She was savoring her latte when she decided to give Jamie a call. She wasn’t sure whether she was home or on the road, so she tried her cell phone. Jamie answered promptly, and Mia smiled so brightly at just hearing her voice that she nearly lit up her corner of Starbucks. “Girlfriend!” she said.

  “Oh! My best friend! How are you, sweetie?”

  “I’m all right. Is this a good time to talk?”

  “Yeah. I’m stuck in a hotel room in Tempe, Arizona.”

  “Do you have a late tee off?”

  “No. I … broke my elbow on Friday night.”

  “What?”

  “I broke my elbow. I was outside talking to that idiot Juliet and she got upset about something I said. She stood up too fast and started to fall over. Instinctively … and I do mean instinctively … I tried to stop her and she pulled me over. I landed on my elbow and broke it. I should have let her fall. Check that. I should have pushed her.”

  “God damn! It must hurt like hell!”

  “It’s not too bad. Luckily, Ryan was here for a softball game and she went to the hospital with me. I’ve got a splint from my shoulder to my wrist, and when we get home I’ll probably have to get a real cast.”

  “That is a major, major drag! I guess you’re done for the year, huh?”

  “Yep. I hate to say it, but I don’t mind. It’s been so hard to leave Ryan. I never would have joined the team if I’d known she was gonna have such a tough time.”

  “How’s she doing?”

  “Have I talked to you since she had her meltdown?”

  “Uhm … which one?” Mia asked, hating to phrase it that way.

  “Mmm … good point. She has had a few. This particular meltdown was in LA when I went down to be with her for her UCLA and Washington games.”

  “I talked to you that night. Remember? You were going out to some fancy restaurant.”

  “Right, right. Well, this was after we talked then. We decided to stay in the hotel and tear up the furniture instead.”

  “You’re fucking kidding me!” Several patrons turned to look at Mia and she slumped down in her chair and spoke quietly. “You ar
e kidding, aren’t you?”

  “’Fraid not. It sucked, but the end result was good. I finally got her to admit to some stuff she’s been bottling up, and she seems … better since it happened. She’s a long way from being herself, but at least I feel like she’s making some progress.”

  “This has really been awful for you both, hasn’t it.”

  “Yeah. Really bad. And I think it pisses her off that I haven’t had as hard a time getting over the whole hijack thing. I think it makes her feel like she’s … I don’t know … more broken, I guess.”

  “That must be really hard for her. It’s obvious she likes to be strong and in control.”

  “That’s obvious?” Jamie laughed. “Yeah, that’s my little lunatic. She has this self-image of being really strong, but the truth is that she’s as fragile as a beautiful piece of china.”

  “Is that … hard for you?” Mia asked. “I mean … you didn’t know that about her, did you?”

  “Yeah, I had a pretty good idea. None of this has been a surprise … except that I didn’t realize how having something bad happen would bring up all of her other insecurities. And she’s got a lot of them. She’s had more bad shit happen to her than most people have in their whole lives. I’m just thankful that she really wants to work through this and get back to normal. A lot of people would spiral into a depression they’d never get out of, but my girl’s a trooper.”

  “So’s mine. Makes me wanna hit her with a brick sometimes.” Mia laughed and Jamie joined in, both women acknowledging how their partners’ determination could have its drawbacks.

  “Why’s she in trouble now?”

  “Oh, the usual. Same stuff Ryan does. Athletes should come with a warning label.”

  “As tall as they are, there wouldn’t be enough room for all of the cautions!”

  “Nailed it! She’s worried about getting cut, so she doesn’t talk about the team when she’s at home. So there’s about a billion things I don’t know … even though they affect me! I almost left her on a mountain on Saturday. I told her if she didn’t tell me her whole schedule, she’d have to walk home. And I meant it!”

  “Damn! You’re harsh!”

  “You’d have done the same thing if Ryan had held out on you like Jordy has been.”

  “Is everything okay now?”

  “Umm … kinda. It’s been a scene, James. My mom dropped in … without warning … last week, and I’m still getting over that little encounter.”

  “Your mom! How did that go?”

  “You don’t have time. I’ll tell you all about it when you’re at home. Your cell phone’ll die by the time I finish whining.”

  “Oh, you don’t whine. You’re as tough as Jordan, you just look sweet and malleable.”

  “Can’t argue with that. You know my evil truths. But I’m trying to decide how malleable to be. I’d been planning on going to Russia with the team next week, but I’m having major second thoughts.”

  “Really? Why? Russia’s really cool.”

  “You went with your parents, right?”

  “Uh-huh. And Elizabeth.”

  “Right. Old Betty the Hawk. I swear that woman knew you were gonna burp before you ate a bowl of chili.”

  “Oh, she wasn’t that bad. And we had fun in Russia. We read a bunch of books before we went so we’d get something out of the trip. Elizabeth hated to just have fun; I had to learn something, too.”

  “How much fun would you have had if your parents and Elizabeth had stayed at the hotel and sent you out on your own?”

  “Not much, I guess. Why? Is that what Jordan’s gonna do?”

  “Basically. She can’t sightsee with me; she can’t eat meals with me; she can’t stay up late or go to a club. All we’ll get to do is sleep together.”

  “Hmm … you could go on some tours, maybe hire a guide?”

  “Don’t have the money for that. Jordy’s budgeted $1500 for me, and that includes airfare and hotel. I’ll probably have about $300 to spend.”

  “Mia, don’t be hard-headed about this. Going to Russia is too cool, even just to just walk around Red Square. Let me hire a guide for you.”

  Mia let out a sigh. “You know, I’d take you up on that if I really wanted to go. But it dawned on me recently that I’ve been looking at this as travel, while Jordan looks at it as work. And it’s really important work. It’s like her having to give a huge presentation at work, and I wanted to sit in the back and say, ‘Hey, let’s go out to lunch. Hurry up!’”

  “Well, maybe you should just stay home. You don’t wanna make things harder for her.”

  “Right! But I can’t decide what’s best for her. I know she wants me to go. She’s got this fantasy that I’m gonna go out and have fun while she’s playing. I’ll have had this great day while she’s at work, then we’ll sleep together. She really feels like she’s giving me something, James. She’s giving me a trip to Russia. But I don’t wanna go to Russia alone! I’d rather take that $1500 and use it to rent us an apartment, but I just found out we’re gonna be back in Berkeley for at least six months after the Games.”

  “Cool! That’s fantastic!”

  “Yeah, it is, but I was only vaguely aware we were gonna be able to go home! I just found us a nice apartment, but it’s stupid to rent it and pay rent when we’re in Berkeley. I tell you, she’s about to drive me mad!”

  “Can’t make her tell you what she really wants, huh?”

  “Yeah, I can. But all she claims to want is for me to be happy. But I can’t be happy if I don’t know what would make her happy.” She blew out a breath. “I gotta tell ya, men are easier.”

  Jamie didn’t laugh and there was a tense silence that she finally broke. “You’re not … changing your—”

  “Fuck no! Jordy’s it for me. She can drive me stark raving mad and I’d still wanna be with her. She’s mine. Until I kill her.”

  “That’s my buddy! You had me worried there for a second.”

  “No worries, James. I love her. I love her more than I thought I could love anyone. She’s kind and thoughtful and sensitive and smart and funny and—”

  “Good in bed.”

  “That goes without saying. A girl’s gotta have some standards.”

  “God, I miss you. Life just isn’t the same without you, Mia. Things would be so much easier if you were home.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really. Ryan would be much happier if you were back. She does much better when there’s someone home. It gives her too much time to obsess about things when she’s alone.”

  “Damn, James, don’t make me feel worse!”

  “I don’t mean to, really. It wouldn’t fix Ryan by any means. It’s just that we both miss you and we both love it when you’re here. You and Jordan are part of our family—and neither of us likes to have our family members too far away.”

  “I miss you too, honey. As much as I love Jordan, it’s really hard for me to be away. I’d come home in a minute if I thought she didn’t need me.”

  “I know you would. You’re a good partner.”

  “Trying my best. It’s tougher than it looks!”

  “Amen! Good thing we’ve both got women that more than make up for the difficulties.”

  “Damn straight. Or gay. Or bisexual. Whatever.”

  “I’ve gotta go to the bathroom, and it takes me ten minutes to get there. I never knew how much that second arm helped.”

  “You poor lamb. I wish I could be there with you.”

  “Ryan’s here. She’ll be back in a couple of hours—watching me like a hawk.”

  “Okay, James. I’ll call you later in the week. Tell Ryan I love her.”

  “I will. And you do the same with Jordan.”

  “Will do. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening.”

  “Part of the job. Best friends are always on call. Love you.”

  “Love you too. Bye.”

  Mia hung up and took a bite of the apple fritter that she’d purchased. The sweetn
ess of the pastry didn’t come close to the feeling she had after talking to Jamie. Being loved was the sweetest feeling a body could experience.

  Many hours later, Ryan returned, belying her oath not to enjoy her day. “We won!” she said, grinning from ear to ear. “We finally scored a few runs and threw a shutout. Best game we’ve had in weeks!”

  Jamie knew her lover too well not to guess an added element. “You played, didn’t you, Buffy?”

  “Yeah,” she said, smiling brightly.

  “Some of those runs were because of you, weren’t they?”

  “Mmm … kinda,” she admitted, looking smug.

  “Home run?’

  “Nope. But I drove in a run with a double, and I scored on a bloop single to left field.”

  “From second base?”

  “No. I stole third.”

  She was grinning like a kid and Jamie wanted to smother her with kisses, but she wasn’t mobile enough to scramble around on the bed like she usually did. “Come sit by me so I can congratulate you.”

  Ryan sat down gingerly and Jamie wrapped her arm around her neck and pulled her down for a few dozen kisses. “You’re such a stud,” she whispered.

  “I’m a dirty stud. I didn’t take a shower yet. I had a good-looking girl waiting for me in my hotel room.”

  “Go on,” Jamie said, waving. “Then you can help me get cleaned up. I wanna go downstairs and eat with the team.”

  “Oh, boy! You sure do know how to show a girl a good time!”

  The dinner wasn’t particularly exciting, but Jamie wanted to reassure her young teammates that she was fine. Both Lauren and Samantha were filled with concern, and all of the other women gathered around to check on Jamie’s injury. Everyone except Juliet, who had obviously decided to skip dinner.

  Ryan entertained Lauren and Samantha with stories from their night in the E.R., and Jamie sat quietly, loving to watch her partner charm people. Ryan cut all of Jamie’s food and kept trying to feed her, much to the delight of the younger women. After dinner, Scott walked them back to their room, where he stated the obvious. “This is a heck of a way to end your season.”

  “Yeah. I’m not very happy about it.”