Parenting Your Emerging Adult

by Varda Konstam

  Many emerging adults, particularly males, travel together as members of a “tribe,” guided by unspoken rules, roles and hierarchies. The tribe exudes a sense of “us” and “them.” The members are like a family and are highly protective of one another. But they can be challenging too. As Ethan Watters, author of the essay titled “In My Tribe,” points out, their behavior is, in a way, a new expression of traditional family values.6 Being part of a tribe may actually help an emerging adult male mature, in that his fellow tribe members hold him accountable, in an adult manner, for his actions. Although tribal membership may delay marriage, it may also strengthen the institution of marriage, according to Watters:

  What a fantastic twist—we “never marrieds” may end up revitalizing the very institution we’ve supposedly been undermining…Those of us who find it hard to leave our tribes will not choose marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable next step in our lives, the way middle-class high school kids choose college. When we go to the altar, we will be sacrificing something precious. In that sacrifice, we may begin to learn to treat our marriages with the reverence they need to survive.7

  For a minority of emerging adults I interviewed, friendships are sacrificed due to heavy work demands. The drive to get ahead and succeed in a highly competitive marketplace can make it hard to sustain friendships. Married emerging adults with children note that the work of supporting their nascent families places significant constraints on their ability to nurture their friendship networks despite advances in technology, a familiar scenario expressed by their parents as well.

  Emerging adults tend to view friendships as an important source of sustenance and support, quite often the most important source. As emerging adults have increasingly deferred marriage and children, friends may function like a surrogate family, providing the support and love that was once reserved for significant others and married partners. Friends frequently find themselves living far from the towns and states they knew as children and adolescents. In light of the geographic instability this age cohort experiences, it is not surprising that friends create and embed themselves in social networks that facilitate a sense of belonging and connection.

  It would be impossible to capture the social life of today’s emerging adults without talking about technology. Computers, the Internet, smartphones and other communication technologies have radically transformed the way friendships are conducted in the twenty-first century. Not only are emerging adults communicating with one another to and from almost anywhere, but they can keep in touch with a vast number of friends easily and conveniently. There is no longer any reason, technologically speaking, to lose touch with anyone from one’s past. Today’s emerging adults easily maintain ongoing relationships with dozens or even hundreds of friends, from elementary school, high school, college, graduate school, former neighborhoods and past jobs. These friendships often lead to new networks of friends in an ever-expanding web.

  Friendships that exist only in cyberspace are a unique development that may baffle some parents. My colleague Ilana Lehmann coined the term friendico (friends in cyberspace only) to capture the essence of these relationships. Emerging adults do not dichotomize and depict their friendships as “online” or “offline.” Rather they engage in a seemingly effortless process of fusing these relationships. In a recent study I conducted with my colleagues Dr. Lehmann and Dr. Sara Tomek, we found that both types of emerging adult friendships—friendships with a face-to-face component and those that exist in cyberspace only—follow parallel processes.8 At the same time, friendships that exist exclusively in cyberspace, at least initially, are not accorded the same level of commitment and support by emerging adults.9 They are also more likely to end within the first year of the friendship; however, if they do persist over time, the differences between face-to-face friendships and friendships in cyberspace tend to dissipate over time.

  Perhaps there is something about the sheer quantity of friendships that emerging adults juggle that gives friendship an accumulated mass as opposed to one-on-one romantic relationships, especially since the latter tend to fall away completely once they end. It is now possible to maintain an active social life with dozens, even hundreds, of online friends, past and present, without ever leaving home. The technology pervades our society and it is easy and fun to use. We are, in a sense, wired for friendship in today’s world.

  Romantic Attachments

  When it comes to romantic relationships, casual is in; formal is out. Fluidity and flexibility are the major themes of the romantic lives of many emerging adults. Against the backdrop of the sexual revolution, new possibilities exist, such as hookups and friends with benefits. Experimentation with members of both the same and the opposite sex is not unusual.

  Sexual arrangements of various types provide alternatives to traditional dating relationships. Frequently, the level of commitment required for launching a career collides with the time investment needed to nurture long-term relationships. For many emerging adults, the relationship is put on hold as career takes precedence. Yet sexual needs persist. So substitutes are sought, such as noncommittal hookups.

  Fluid sexual and romantic relationships are the norm and there is little stigma attached to moving on and trying new relationships with different partners. The religious institutions which discouraged such behaviors are also less of an influence on this generation. Dating is much less formal and, with e-mail, cell phones and texting, plans can be changed at a moment’s notice. As mentioned before, one-on-one dating has often been replaced by going out in groups.

  Many emerging adults want to develop their personal identities before committing to marriage. Preferring to have a strong sense of who they are as individuals before entering into a monogamous relationship, they seek romantic partners who are also well developed and have healthy senses of self. The famous line from the movie Jerry Maguire (1996), “You complete me,” is a sentiment for past generations. Emerging adults I spoke with believe that an investment in oneself increases the likelihood of a successful marriage or long-term commitment. This belief drives the social and emotional behavior of many emerging adults.

  There is a tremendous amount of individuality within each generation. Generalities do not always apply. Although an increasing number of emerging adults are choosing to wait until their late twenties to commit to a relationship, a minority still marry before the age of twenty-five. In these instances, one or both members of the couple tend to be focused and launched in their career paths. The age of thirty (perhaps thirty-two to thirty-five may be more accurate), rather than twenty-five, seems to serve as the new “magical marker” for many emerging adults, particularly those who are more affluent and live in urban settings. Although maturation is a gradual process, emerging adults can identify a specific time when they realize that the dress rehearsal is over. They suddenly feel clear and confident enough to set a path for their love lives. Remember, however, the importance of differing contexts such as socioeconomic status in informing the behaviors of emerging adults.

  Overall, emerging adults seem to embrace traditional goals regarding marriage and children. However, possibilities for alternative lifestyles that do not include marriage and children are no longer associated with stigmatization. What is new is some of the specifics. The majority of emerging adults expect that their spouses or partners will assume joint responsibilities for the household, both financial and otherwise. Also, the decision to commit to marriage is driven more by career status than in the past. If a change in jobs is in order, many emerging adults are unlikely to commit to a more permanent living arrangement or a romantic relationship that may root them to one geographical area and limit their options. For many, serious relationships are not embarked upon until they assess that their lives are “settled” and that they are more complete as people. Being financially stable is often viewed as a prerequisite for considering marriage or starting a family. So in tough economic times, it is not all that surprising that many emerging adults actively choos
e to delay romantic commitments. It is important to remember that cultural and regional considerations also play into these decisions.

  Experimentation, rather than looking for the “right one,” is the frequently unstated strategy. But again, we have to view emerging adults’ experimentation through a fresh lens. It is not so much about “sowing wild oats” as it is about looking for an approach that works. Emerging adults view experimentation as a way to reduce risk. In that sense, it is an expression of maturity rather than immaturity.

  In the view of many in this generation, committing to marriage without “sampling” a range of relationships leaves one vulnerable. Fear of divorce is ever-present. Experimentation allows emerging adults first to learn about the qualities in others that are a “good fit” with their own personalities and then to begin looking for mates who possess these qualities. It is hard to argue with the logic, especially when compared with the “logic” of past generations, which often led to marrying the first vaguely promising prospect that came along and then trying to make a marriage work for the next fifty years.

  Experimentation is viewed by many emerging adults as absolutely essential to avoiding poor long-term relationship choices. Each relationship is a valuable experience that shapes and gradually matures them as individuals. Ending a relationship is not viewed as a personal failure as much as a chance for growth and opportunity to form new partnerships that are reflective of their developing adult selves.

  As emerging adults speak of their relationships, skepticism and sometimes cynicism creeps in. Maintaining an imperfect match for the sake of stability does not appeal to many emerging adults. Sometimes emerging adults are skeptical about the idea of spending their entire lives with one person and view the institution of marriage as one where they must compromise their hard-won individuality to maintain a harmonious relationship. They have observed many unhappy marriages and divorces and want to avoid these scenarios at all costs.

  The shift in emphasis toward career over relationship has produced intriguing side effects. While the subject of passion often comes up in discussions about jobs, many emerging adults speak of long-term romantic relationships with businesslike deliberation.

  The goal is to enter into a contract that will be mutually satisfying and beneficial to both parties.10 Clarity regarding roles and responsibilities is the key to negotiating a successful long-term relationship. Many emerging adults make the decision to become engaged only after a thorough negotiation process. Partners, both cautious at first, explore the day-to-day issues that may arise in the relationship and come to an agreement on how to best resolve their differences. According to emerging adults I spoke with who subscribed to this perspective, it is a respectful process that privileges rationality over emotionality. Rather than figuring out problems and solutions haphazardly as they happen, both partners try to anticipate the issues that might arise and plan for them ahead of time.

  Passion doesn’t drive many emerging adults, at least when it comes to choosing a life partner. Today’s emerging adults want to land on firmer ground than their parents’ divorce-riddled generation. Anticipation, deliberation and negotiation are crucial steps. Again, for many emerging adults, it’s all about minimizing risk. Given what many saw of marriage when growing up, who can blame them?

  Girls (and Guys) Just Wanna Have Fun

  As most parents of emerging adults can attest, fun is very much on the radar screen for this generation of emerging adults. To some parents it can seem that the pursuit of fun has taken on an almost manic intensity. Why might that be? What are your thoughts about the urgency with which many emerging adults seem to be pursuing fun?

  •Is it a natural response to the stress and uncertainty they are experiencing in the workplace?

  •Is it a way to compensate for the seriousness with which they are approaching long-term relationships?

  •Have emerging adults observed their parents having too little fun and working long hours, only to have their career expectations thwarted?

  •Is living in the moment less frightening than living for the future?

  •Is having fun a way to temporarily avoid thinking about the big and frightening questions that loom for this generation? These questions include: Do I have a financial future in an uncertain world? How will I pay off my student loans? Is the planet going to be safe and livable for me and my future children? Am I going to have health care, Social Security, affordable housing? Can my country deal with and decrease its massive national debt? How do we clean up the messes left by previous generations?

  Many emerging adults speak of a profoundly uncertain future. They believe they have worked hard to get to where they are and anticipate years of working even harder for a future without any real security. On top of this, they envision making many commitments—to family, to job, to home—and anticipate that fun will be compromised. Fears of not being able to measure up are rampant. Add to this the fact that many parents have raised their emerging adults to focus heavily on themselves and their own needs. The intense quest for fun begins to make perfect sense.

  As a parent, you might have legitimate concerns about the way emerging adults are seeking fun. Alcohol is often part of the equation and is often the drug of choice for today’s emerging adults. According to psychologist Mark Fondacaro, drinking behavior is largely related to one’s social network, not one’s family.11 Traditional thinking has usually focused on the family when it comes to drinking behavior, including hereditary factors and parental drinking. Although family history remains a strong consideration, we now know that the drinking behavior of emerging adults is determined to a great extent by their peers.

  You may be wondering, How do I begin to understand this attraction to drinking alcohol? Why is it so prevalent, even in the face of all the news about its adverse physical and mental health effects? Michael Kimmel, author of Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, notes that drinking liquor in one’s twenties is not only about getting drunk. It is about “all the freedom and none of the responsibility” and the “last hurrah before the real demands of adulthood begin.”12 I think this is also true for emerging adult women, although women with whom I have spoken also view the drinking scene as a venue for meeting men.

  The social pressures are great, as is the need to anesthetize the pain of insecurity. The aim of drinking is often to reduce anxiety, particularly in social situations.

  Drinking tends to be goal-oriented, according to psychologist Hara Estroff Marano, author of the book A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting. She notes that the goal is to drink as much and as quickly as one can.13 Binge drinking, which is defined as consuming more than five drinks in one sitting for men, four for women, is quite common among people in their twenties. Binge drinking carries many negative consequences. Among a range of problems associated with binge drinking, 28.6 percent of college students report feeling regret for something they did sexually while bingeing.14 Binge drinking usually occurs with drinking buddies (for both males and females). The good news is that by their late twenties, most emerging adults no longer engage in binge drinking and drinking itself subsides significantly (with occasional bursts of excess). Many emerging adults state that by their late twenties the pursuit of careers and relationships takes precedence and that, physically, their bodies can no longer juggle the demands of work and partying.15

  Although today’s emerging adults may appear to be behaving irresponsibly, the perspective of some is that perhaps there is an underlying logic, even maturity, to their choices. How can this be true about something as reckless as drinking to excess? In the case of drinking, the argument might be: perhaps it makes sense to indulge one’s appetites while one is still young and free of family and career responsibilities. By granting oneself “free rein,” so to speak, perhaps the desire to overindulge in alcohol plays itself out, runs its course and diminishes naturally. Imagine a nine-year-old who is left alone in a house filled with cookies. At first he eats himself into
a stupor. But soon he learns that eating a whole pound of cookies really isn’t that much fun and begins to voluntarily regulate himself. In the same way, drinking to excess, along with all the embarrassment, regret and hangovers that come with it, really isn’t that much fun in the end. According to this theory, when one learns this lesson for oneself, it becomes part of the maturation process; it sticks.

  However, I believe drinking to excess is high-stakes behavior with accompanying compromised judgment (many accidents can and do occur in an inebriated state). Some emerging adults make poor decisions as a result of impaired judgment and the consequences can be serious, such as a car accident or an unwanted pregnancy. Others may end up with health issues.

  Educational institutions are increasingly evaluating their part in enabling the drinking behavior of emerging adult students. Institutions serving emerging adults need to step up and not ignore what is occurring in their establishments. Attending college is associated with increasing problematic drinking behavior. The good news is that if your emerging adult can escape the results associated with problematic drinking behavior, including the availability of alcohol as well as the ritualization and normalization of drinking on college campuses, drinking behavior dissipates once the emerging adult leaves the college environment.16

  Fortunately, there is more general awareness of the signs of alcohol dependency and there are better behavioral controls in place than in prior generations. Today’s emerging adults are much less likely to drive a car after a night of partying than many in their parents’ generation were. More planning, with an eye toward safety, usually takes place. Taxi cabs and designated drivers are often used.

  It is important to understand and be aware of the behavior and mindset of your emerging adult. Alcohol is an integral part of emerging adult culture. As long as your son or daughter appears to be maintaining a sense of control and an awareness of the consequences and as long as drinking is not affecting his or her job, safety or relationships, it might be wise to keep a cautious “hands-off” policy and trust that your emerging adult’s good judgment will prevail.