Parenting Your Emerging Adult

by Varda Konstam

  Fun-seeking in general, with or without alcohol, has a tendency to play itself out over time. As long as the behavior is not destructive or compulsive, you can probably “let the good times roll” for your son or daughter and be thankful that he or she is doing the steps in the right order—that is, getting the partying behavior out of the way before taking on the responsibilities of family and career.

  Divorce

  Whereas in the past divorce was viewed as certain to cause irreparable damage in marriages, a more positive or at least neutral view has been taking shape. Divorce is now viewed within the range of “normal” family transitions. It has been largely de-stigmatized. However, the impact of divorce is still real and for many it is not always benign.

  Divorce is not a discrete event; it is a process. It often has positive aspects along with the negative. Typically, discord was present in a marriage long before the divorce. Under certain conditions, divorce can be a transformative experience that results in growth for all members of the family. Divorce can represent relief from years of crushing tensions and conflict and an opportunity to build more satisfying relationships.17 For others, divorce can be a traumatic event that leaves permanent scars.

  The security that emerging adults feel around their romantic attachments has been found by some researchers to be related to the emerging adults’ own experiences with parental divorce.18 For example, for some emerging adults from divorced homes, divorce may signal that relationships are not necessarily secure and that they can go awry. If the one relationship they trusted above all others—their parents’—has failed, then anything is possible. As a result, emerging adults may become disillusioned and wary when pursuing romantic partners.19

  From a body of literature that is inconsistent regarding the impact of divorce on emerging adults, we can conclude that there is a tremendous range in the responses of emerging adults to divorce.20 There are no set principles we can apply. The personalities and skills that individual family members bring to the divorce process have a large effect on the outcome, as do the home environments before and after the divorce. But the possibility remains that divorce may influence romantic relationships and child-rearing in ways that haven’t been entirely captured by research findings. The degree of conflict is an important consideration. All people thrive in environments that are relatively harmonious. It is not surprising, then, that children fare better in harmonious single-parent households when compared with two-parent households ridden with conflict.

  The story of divorce is a story of loss. How emerging adults deal with loss is a critical key as to whether divorce becomes a positive or negative influence. Laura King and Courtney Raspin of the Department of Psychological Services at the University of Missouri, Columbia, capture the meaning of loss and its place in the narrative of divorce:

  A history devoid of loss is only part of a history. A larger understanding of our place in the world requires a more expansive view that allows for legitimate loss, an awareness of what might have been, and the capacity to reinvest and risk loss once again.21

  One idea that was shared among most of the emerging adults I interviewed was that it is wise to have a number of romantic experiences before making a major commitment. They tended to feel strongly about forging self-identities that were “complete” by themselves (as opposed to the “you complete me” notions of romantic songs and movies) before getting married. It is clear that fear of divorce influences their views about marriage to a fair extent.

  Most emerging adults with whom I spoke felt it was desirable to experiment with a wide range of relationships before tying the knot. The reasons for this were twofold: to ensure finding a more perfect “fit” and to avoid potential financial loss due to marrying the wrong person (and subsequently getting divorced).

  Yet, despite their cautions and concerns, some emerging adults are divorcing, though they are in the minority.22 In part, their decisions to divorce are driven by their expectations for marriage, expectations that differ from those of their parents. Emotional fulfillment and the abilities to be authentic and to be understood by their partners seem to be the new criteria for romantic relationships. Financial support is less of an issue. When both parties are likely to be employed and somewhat financially independent, lack of emotional fulfillment is more likely to signify the end of a marriage, particularly if the couple is childless.

  In the past, motivations for marriage have included sharing household expenses, creating children and having sex. This is no longer the case. Living together unmarried is now largely acceptable in most segments of society. Emerging adults who do wish to marry are now motivated by the desire to be transported to a “higher emotional plane. And when that doesn’t happen, they leave—facing little stigma and with few regrets.”23

  In a world where many emerging adults are feeling fragmented, looking to a partner to fulfill all of one’s needs places the marriage at risk. Disappointment is likely to set in. Most emerging adults do not enter marriage with the idea that it will solve all their concerns and personal issues. They do not take the view that if it does not work out, they will leave. But given the high expectations described, combined with the quest for a perfect life, doubts can set in, leaving the marriage vulnerable.

  We have heard the concerns of emerging adults trying to negotiate the changing terrain in terms of their personal lives. Advances in technology have had a major influence on how they navigate their work and personal lives. The next chapter will take a closer look at technology in the lives of emerging adults.

  Chapter 5

  TECHNOLOGY IN THE LIVES OF EMERGING ADULTS

  Innovation in technology is empowering. Solutions to complex problems can be Googled in a few keystrokes. Seemingly limitless information about seemingly limitless topics can be found within seconds. This gives users feelings of potency and mastery unmatched in human history. There are virtually no time boundaries in cyberspace. I have heard the Internet comically referred to as the Mystical Book of All Knowledge. It is almost “mystical” in its breadth, depth and instantaneousness. Granted, it is not a foolproof system; much of the advice has not been subjected to the scrutiny of fact-checkers. However, there is an ever-growing “self-policing” community ready to correct inaccuracies. Wikipedia, one of the largest assemblages of knowledge ever collected in one place, is entirely self-policing, with all articles written by unpaid users and all corrections offered by the same community.

  Receiving help from perfect strangers—on topics ranging from the absurdly technological to the highly intimate—no longer seems weird. Michelle Slatalla, a writer for the New York Times, notes:

  …I don’t know anybody who doesn’t shop online. Or who doesn’t turn to the Internet for advice. It is a comfort simply to know that somewhere out there in the vastness of what we once so quaintly called cyberspace are other people who have confronted the very same questions and willingly share their know-how with strangers.1

  Alexis Gordon, a twenty-six-year-old emerging adult, wants to end a romantic relationship. She weighs her options as to how to break the news. She concludes that sending a text message or e-mail is “too impersonal.” However, she doesn’t “want to talk about it.”2 Voicemail seems the ideal method to her. As she makes the phone call, Alexis goes directly to voicemail without the risk of a live conversation.

  Presto, one relationship is over.

  Now, with her plans for Friday evening suddenly open, Alexis logs onto Facebook to see if anyone on her “friends list” is planning a weekend get-together…

  Technology has transformed our lives and there is no going back. New communication technologies seem to spring up like weeds after a rainstorm and with each new way of communicating, social rules are being rewritten and adapted—sometimes at breakneck speed. Not surprisingly, parents and emerging adults often experience these changes quite differently:

  Parent: I was the last kid on my block to have a cell phone and I refuse to have a website. I had lunch with three peo
ple the other day; two of them had smartphones, the third one had two. Each person was engaged in the lunch conversation, but kept reading and writing on their smart-phones. I thought about this a great deal. These people are the salt of the earth, polite men and women, yet I felt their behavior was rude. Was it rude or is there a new type of human communication style which has evolved right under my own eyes?

  I guess it’s the latter. I call it cyberthought. People who practice cyberthought believe it is far ruder not to get back to individuals who come up on their communication devices than it is to ignore the person who is seated two feet away from them.

  The cyberthought language has its own syntax, grammar and definitions. It is sprouting into all cultures. Rather than cursing my lack of understanding of this new phenomenon, I now know I’d better learn it.3

  Emerging: We love our CAT 5 wiring and HDTV and have to have it…We are by far the most tech- and media-savvy generation in history and we’re proud of it.4

  But the Bad News Is…

  While tools such as e-mail, instant messaging, cell phones and chat rooms allow for greater access to others than ever, they also can barrage us with information overload and induce anxiety. As I was researching this chapter, I received a text message from my emerging adult daughter with scheduling questions about a vacation we were planning. Although I preferred not to be interrupted, I felt compelled to answer her (and I suspect she expected an immediate response). An unspoken rule of conduct has been established: I will respond to her text inquiries at a moment’s notice, whenever possible, and she will reciprocate. How did this happen? I don’t remember agreeing to these new rules!

  Our ability to easily communicate with one another in a variety of ways, 24/7, offers great convenience and has many upsides. One parent with whom I recently spoke says that his communication with his daughter has greatly improved and deepened since she left home for college, thanks to cell phones, text messaging and e-mail. She calls him between classes to say hello, e-mails him spontaneous photos from her cell phone and text-messages him when something funny or interesting happens in class.

  But this accessibility can have an enormous price tag. With nearly everyone having cell phones, e-mail accounts and Internet access, there is practically no designated private time anymore. The new expectation is that we are reachable during all waking hours. Emerging adults are always “on.” That’s a key change for this new generation. Socially, there’s no down time. And this constant accessibility expands to the workplace. More and more, employers have come to expect that they can reach employees any time of the day and evening, weekends included. “Cyber” communications take social precedence over live ones much of the time.

  It’s important to realize that often when your emerging adult appears to be acting “rude,” she is simply following a new social protocol that you may not fully understand and that she did not create. She is probably trying not to be rude to someone else.

  Let’s focus next on understanding how recent innovations in technology enhance, detract and generally impact emerging adults and their relationships. We will explore two main platforms emerging adults are currently embracing with fervor: social networking sites and virtual worlds. The psychology of Internet addiction will also be discussed, interspersed with real-life examples and analysis by Dr. Rick Houser, a counselor, educator and expert in the area.

  Technology: Bringing Out Our “Best” and Our “Worst”

  According to Patricia Wallace in The Psychology of the Internet:

  [The Internet is]…like a huge collection of distinct neighborhoods where people with common interests can share information, work together, tell stories, joke around, debate politics, help each other out or play games. Geography may have little bearing on the way these neighborhoods form, but purpose does, and it has a strong influence on our behavior. People can belong to multiple neighborhoods and they can change their behavior as they click from one to the next, just as you would when you move from business meetings to a beach.5

  Let’s examine our “best” and “worst” behavior on the Internet: altruistic and aggressive behavior. What do we know about aggression on the Internet? Are we more or less likely to show anger on the Internet, and if so, under what conditions? Are we more or less altruistic when anonymity shields us from accountability? What are the conditions that allow for altruistic behavior to thrive online? Answering these questions gives us a window, if only a small one, on the day-to-day impact of cyberspace on our lives.

  AGGRESSION

  The Internet can easily unleash aggression in many individuals. When this happens, rationality cannot be counted on. When we get annoyed online, we can easily react in ways that are at odds with our better instincts. Our darker, more aggressive sides emerge in an atmosphere of anonymity. It is not unlike the transformation we sometimes see when people slip into the relative anonymity of an automobile. “Net rage,” it turns out, may be even easier to trigger than “road rage.”

  What provokes our online annoyance? We are most likely to be provoked when we feel someone is attacking our competence, character or physical appearance. In response we may retaliate and raise the ante. The most common form of online aggression is writing angry or insulting text targeted at another user. This is sometimes known as “flaming” or starting a “flame war.” Flaming tends to be triggered in reaction to a perceived insult or toward someone with whose opinion we strongly disagree. Flamers are seen as individuals who believe their point of view is superior to others’ and are not shy about expressing it. Flame wars tend to escalate quickly, with each side trying to outdo the other in a way that closely mirrors the dynamics of road rage. The “attacks” are not necessarily personal, though they are marked by open hostility and lack of restraint. It’s as if the participants temporarily lose control and allow their mutual behavior to escalate.

  A more insidious and personal form of aggression comes in the form of “cyberbullying,” “electronic bullying” or “online social cruelty.” The intent of “cyberbullying” is to cause harm to a specific individual or group. Cyberbullies send anonymous or disguised e-mails and/or visual images with relative ease, minimal effort and little accountability. Cyberbullying is targeted and deliberate, not a spontaneous reaction. It can be likened to a premeditated crime as opposed to a crime of passion.

  What are the short- and long-term impacts of “cyberbullying”? It is too early to know, but the phenomenon plays out across a wide range of age groups. Contentious neighbors have been known to engage in aggressive acts on the Internet. Among children and teens, cyberbullying can be especially harmful and have devastating results. A young person’s social reputation can be destroyed almost instantly by the posting of private information that may be true or false. Photos can easily be doctored in Photoshop. Because the teen and emerging adult years are marked by extreme social sensitivity, bullies now have extremely powerful new tools in their hands. Numerous teen and emerging adult suicides, due to cyberbullying, have been reported in the press.

  With the growth of communities that are not confined by physical space, acts of aggression seem likely to increase. We can move away from an aggressive neighbor, but it may not be as easy to move away from a cyberbully who can find us anywhere in the world! Bullying has had a long history. With the availability of new technologies, this practice continues to thrive in creative new ways.

  What can offset our darker side? Unwritten rules of conduct can certainly help to temper hostile exchanges. As online communities develop tighter cohesiveness, they tend to develop more sophisticated “codes of conduct” as to what is tolerated within them. Those members wishing to remain in good standing with their communities cannot act out with bold aggression and boorishness, for if they do so, they risk being ostracized. While many websites have explicit rules about interpersonal conduct, it is the subtle and unwritten rules that often play a greater role in shaping behavior. THE USE OF ALL UPPER CASE LETTERS, for example, is viewed as “shouting” on most
sites and invites negative social reactions, though you probably won’t find this “rule” written anywhere in a website’s official policies.

  Understanding how the internet can stimulate our aggressive urges empowers us to exercise restraint.6 The more we use this amazing new tool called cyber-mediated communication, the more we become aware of our own tendencies and “triggers,” the better we become at self-policing. Many of us have learned the lesson of giving angry e-mails a “cooling off” period before hitting the “send” button. This allows us to craft a thoughtful response rather than issue a “flame,” which can feel good in the moment but can also provoke hurt feelings and flame wars. The Internet appeared in our lives rather suddenly and has required a fast adjustment phase. Thankfully, there is evidence that this adjustment is taking place.

  A controlling authority can also be an effective antidote to cyber aggression. Five states have passed legislation that specifically addresses bullying that relies on electronic means.7 This number is likely to grow. The option of pursuing civil action against an individual who behaves aggressively online also exists.

  ALTRUISM

  Just as the Internet can trigger our aggressive urges, it can also stimulate our altruistic tendencies. Many of us are reaching out to others online via various forums, chat rooms and message boards. Both giving and receiving help may be easier online. Emerging adults, in attempting to be heard and understood, often find self-disclosure easier on the Internet. Anonymity can free them to reveal sensitive personal details, a choice they may not entertain when talking face-to-face. We can become less inhibited when communicating in cyberspace, take greater risks and say things we might be unable or unwilling to say in person. Strong attachments can and do occur in cyberspace, due in part to the personal sharing that often occurs there.