Parenting Your Emerging Adult

by Varda Konstam

  You probably have strong opinions about why your emerging adult’s attempt at independence was unsuccessful if this is a relevant issue. You might be eager to zero in on factors such as impulsiveness, unrealistic expectations, underdeveloped resilience and poor decision-making skills. But remember, you are looking for your emerging adult’s input. Your son or daughter was the one doing the independent living. He or she, in a sense, is the real “expert.”

  However, your insights are needed too. As Dr. Bradley advises, you may need to look for signs of commonly hidden problems such as depression, eating disorders and drug or alcohol abuse. “Those signs might include weight gain/loss, sleeping too much/too little, loss of significant relationships, loss of employment, moodiness, failure in school, and financial/sexual acting out. Consider requesting a pre-return mental health evaluation for your child if you have any doubts.”9 Serious issues, if ignored or left unaddressed, will likely undermine any return process. Such issues are often harder to deal with once your emerging adult returns home. You are much better off tackling them up front, before behavior patterns in the home become entrenched.

  •How will issues be addressed to ensure success in the next attempt?

  Once you have identified the issues that may be jeopardizing your emerging adult’s independence, you need to work together to develop supports. These could include mental health counseling, financial controls, such as agreeing to bank a certain portion of his or her income, or contractual agreements around problem behaviors, such as setting limits on gambling or sexual relationships while in the home. Any problem issue in your emerging adult’s life should be addressed as part of the plan. Remember, though, that the goal should always be to eventually remove any parental controls you are agreeing to assume. Your aim is to encourage independence, not foster long-term dependence on you.

  •What positive steps will be made during the stay?

  The return home should serve not only as a way of addressing past problems but also as a way of making positive life progress. What career skills does your emerging adult want to learn while in your home? What personal skills will help your emerging adult in his or her quest for independence? Ideally, your emerging adult will use the temporary stay in your home as a way to accomplish goals that would be difficult or impossible to attain while living on his or her own. Getting a graduate degree or completing a technical training program, for instance, might be part of the return plan. This gives a concrete “shape” to the stay, a sense of larger purpose. Counseling, spiritual development, budgeting training or the development of life skills (e.g., cooking, cleaning, shopping) are other positive steps that might be included in the plan.

  •What is the timeline for the return stay?

  There should be a built-in exit strategy, a finite timeline. If your emerging adult is in crisis right now, then at very minimum you should envision a date by which such a timeline will be established. The timeline should not only contain a calendar date, but also include defined, measurable goals to be completed (and celebrated) along the way. For example: By January 1, I will have a full-time job; by June 1, I will have saved five thousand dollars toward the debt I have accrued; by next Thanksgiving I will be living in my new apartment. It is okay to be flexible and to adjust these dates and goals based on changing circumstances. However, missing goals for “light and transient reasons” ought to be grounds for terminating the arrangement.

  •What will the rules be?

  For emerging adults moving back home, rules around curfews, sleep/wake hours, rent and chores should be laid out in specific detail. That means using terms such as “midnight” rather than “not too late” and “paid by the first of the month” rather than “paid monthly.” You and your emerging adult are likely to have conflicting assumptions that will collide: “Of course my parents won’t mind if my boyfriend sleeps in my room with me” versus “Of course our daughter would never have her boyfriend sleep over.” Specificity will avert many collisions.

  A good technique for avoiding endless battles over rules is for the parents to base the rule rationales on their own needs and not attempt to lecture emerging adult children on morality issues. For example, you might say: “As an adult you can decide what your sexual rules and behaviors should be. But we ask that for our sake you not have sleep-in boyfriends while you are living in our home.”

  Rules should be respectful and should not infantilize the emerging adult. However, rules should also be biased toward making parental dependency a somewhat uncomfortable situation for your emerging adult. The idea is that living in your home should not feel like an attractive permanent arrangement. There should be costs, in terms of personal freedom, to your son or daughter in staying with you.

  •What happens if the arrangement doesn’t work?

  It is important to decide, before your child moves back in with you, whether you are willing to allow future returns if he or she fails at independence again. Knowing that they have no safety net (i.e., they can’t go home again) can push emerging adults to find strength they didn’t know they had on their second journeys away from home. You and your emerging adult must also be prepared for what will happen if the stay doesn’t work out or if he or she is not able to comply with the plan. Are you prepared to kick him or her out the door? In most cases it won’t come to that, but there is always the chance that your emerging adult is at a place where only the most unforgiving response from you will work. Both you and your emerging adult need to know that you always hold the eviction card and are willing to play it if need be.

  The Value of Discomfort

  Overprotection is a common way that things can go awry when loving parents decide to allow their emerging adults back home. One way to avoid the trap of coddling and overprotecting is to agree jointly upon achievable but increasingly challenging short-and long-term goals. In the case of Ben, one goal might be for him to submit five credible job applications per week. But even before he finds a job, he might be required to practice the discipline of going to work by volunteering at a shelter, a school or a hospital several days a week (or even full time). Likely, Ben will soon decide that if he has to show up somewhere every day, he might as well be paid for it.

  Underlying such supports must be the explicit understanding that failure to comply will result in Ben’s eviction. The message need not be a threatening or negative one; more along the lines of, “We love you too much to see you become totally dependent upon us.”10

  You need to set limits in a way that is consistent with your style of parenting. The tough love approach may not be in your repertoire. But if your parenting style means never causing your emerging adult discomfort, you need to reevaluate your approach. Growth, by its very nature, demands a certain amount of unease. If you are not able to look objectively at your emerging adult’s skill deficits and help him or her structure an environment that allows for the needed growth to occur, then you should not allow the “second time around” stay to happen. Your acceptance of your emerging adult back into the home must include a willingness to enforce uncomfortable limits when these constraints become appropriate.

  Detach from the Results

  Don’t become overly invested in the outcome of this arrangement. Be prepared for the possibility that your emerging adult may not be ready or willing, at this point in his life, to stick with the plan you have negotiated with him. There may be setbacks. You may be tested. Be ready for this. It is important that you stand your ground in a loving and non-punitive way. It is your home, not your emerging adult’s. All you ever “owed” your emerging adult was a safe and loving place to live until he reached adulthood. You have already given your emerging adult that.

  Allow for the possibility of failure; do not take it personally. The “failure” of this arrangement might be a necessary and important step on his path to adulthood. Do not judge it or assume it to be bad. Change is usually nonlinear and does not occur overnight or in neat, predictable sequences. By not allowing for the possibility
of failure, you actually show disrespect for your emerging adult’s abilities to rebound.

  Reentering the family home includes uncomfortable contradictions. Sometimes your emerging adult will feel like a grownup, sometimes like a child. There is probably no avoiding this. He or she may have earned adult status in some domains and not in others. While economic circumstances may have dictated your emerging adult moving back home, your son or daughter is likely to view him or herself as an adult and will want to be treated accordingly. But sometimes you are still the boss. It’s a tricky balance. Elina Furman, author of Boomerang Nation, offers words of advice, which parallel that of Dr. Bradley:

  •Craft an informal or written agreement that spells out key expectations: what, if anything, your child will contribute to the household, how long he or she expects to stay, savings goals and social rules. (If you don’t want your son’s girlfriend sleeping over, tell him.)

  •Define everyone’s role. You are still the parent, but you… are no longer the caretaker.

  •Discuss the arrangement before your emerging adult moves back. Once at home, you have less bargaining power.

  •Establish a date to move out. You are more likely to relax if you know [there are goals regarding] leaving, saving and finding a job.

  •Have your emerging adult pay rent. [He or she] doesn’t have to pay $1,000 a month; even $50 can make the relationship work better.

  •Have your emerging adult clean out his/her room. This means getting rid of baseball pennants, dolls and other memorabilia to remind him/her that moving home again is a step forward, not backward.11

  Having done these things, detach emotionally from the results. It will work out or it won’t. Either way, your emerging adult will learn from the experience and will be a step closer to full adulthood.

  Finances

  A difficult area that is likely to generate friction between emerging adults and their parents is finances (including career choices). One of two of the greatest measures of adulthood is the ability to earn and manage one’s own money (the other measure is the ability to establish and maintain intimate and often sexual relationships). It tends to test understandings of what it means to be an adult more than any other area. If there is going to be a clash between an emerging adult and his or her parent during the “second time around,” it may well revolve around money.

  One question parents and emerging adults will almost inevitably face during the emerging adults’ return stay is, “How much financial support should parents provide?” This was probably easier to answer in previous years. In the case of “second time around” emerging adults, however, the financial picture is complicated by the fact that many emerging adults, through no fault of their own, cannot afford to support themselves. The seemingly intransigent economic downturn has exacerbated this situation.

  Most parents don’t have a problem with offering their emerging adults support when it comes to basic survival needs. But how far should their financial support extend? For example, should parents subsidize their emerging adult children when wonderful opportunities to travel arise? We know that travel can be broadening and parents naturally want their children to partake in these experiences. But to what extent should parents underwrite their children’s “non-essential” experiences? Dr. Bradley weighs in, saying:

  One “life experience” that is clearly more broadening than travel is the discipline of denial, of struggling over forced choices so that the nature of those things can be fully appreciated and ultimately savored. If [this emerging adult] were living on her own, [it would be] great for her to travel abroad as long as she pays for it and then also “pays” for not having saved for her future, if that is her choice. Stepping in to forbid her use of her own money would be a clear boundary violation…

  [But since she] is living at home, she should be paying full boarding costs so that her travel is realistically expensive for her. Essentially handing her the money to do everything she wants will only devalue those things and make [her] less able to reason out her future forced choices. She is more likely to think that she can “have it all” and then find that she doesn’t have the skills to handle disappointments.13

  What are your reactions to Dr. Bradley’s recommendations? Have you experienced a similar dilemma with your emerging adult?

  The Importance of Context

  While Dr. Bradley’s advice is likely to reinforce fiscal responsibility, his recommendations need to be viewed in context. Personally and clinically, I recommend taking a realistic look at the emerging adult. What is his or her history in terms of money management? What is his work history and work ethic? Has the emerging adult saved any money in the past? If the answer is yes, I suggest exploring the possibility of lending the emerging adult some of the money, with a plan in place for repayment. A frank, open and nonjudgmental discussion may lead the emerging adult to conclude that now is not the best time to travel. Perhaps saving for a trip in the future might be a better solution.

  Nearly all parents are conflicted about finances when it comes to their emerging adults. They are less so if they associate an investment with a specific outcome. For example, paying for education is associated with conflict. American parents are more inclined to finance their adult children if they associate the financial support with movement toward autonomy.14

  Over my years of listening to parents of emerging adults, I have found that at times they confuse financial indulgence with emotional support. Responsibility is best taught by offering emotional support while at the same time requiring fiscal responsibility. This stance is particularly important when things go wrong.

  Terri Apter, author of The Myth of Maturity: What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults, offers sound advice when it comes to money problems. She suggests that financial arrangements need to be established and understood by all parties involved. When discussing this highly charged topic, it is important to acknowledge the difficulty of negotiating finances in general and to make sure to provide an opportunity for your emerging adult to suggest solutions. Discuss the issues in the spirit of reinforcing your emerging adult’s autonomy and sense of mastery.15

  The spirit of the message is critical. I advise parents to take a non-blaming, respectful stance that encourages problem-solving skills. They need to consider the kind of message they are communicating to their emerging adults. Are they sending the negative message, “You are inadequate” or the more positive one, “How can we resolve this particular issue”?

  Changing Expectations: Gina, Emil and Lori

  Inviting emerging adult children back into the home requires a willingness to set old expectations aside. Parents must be willing to view their emerging adults as the individuals they are today, not as the individuals the parents have been hoping or wanting their children to be. As long as parents keep measuring emerging adults by outdated factors, they are likely to make their emerging adult children feel inadequate. This will not help them progress toward their goals. The first step may be to try to understand better their worldviews and to ask that they do the same for their parents.

  Gina is twenty-three years old and has moved back home to live with her parents, Emil and Lori, and her nineteen-year-old younger sister after dropping out of college. Her parents are struggling economically, since Emil recently lost his job. Gina partied quite a bit during her only year of college and was unable to find a course of study that held her interest. Since dropping out, she has moved from one job to another, frustrated with dead-end job opportunities. The jobs she has held to date do not make her “proud.” Her parents are not happy with her lack of progress. Gina stated:

  I don’t think my parents understand me and they make judgments about my life. They think I’m moving too slow finding a career and being financially independent. There are too many hopes and expectations and when those expectations aren’t met, I feel guilty. My parents don’t understand my partying ways and are confused by my behavior. When I meet someone, my intentions are not to hurt any
one. I am about having fun. I make sure that the person knows this up front.

  It is difficult, because at times I want to be an adult, but it is difficult assuming the responsibilities of adulthood and living on my own. I feel scared to go out on my own and chart my own path. At the same time, I am eager to know the feeling of being independent, paying my own bills. I guess I want a sense of security, a cushion to fall back on when I slip up. I wish my parents understood what it’s like. I lack the confidence that I can make it on my own. Adulthood is so hard, so many responsibilities. I wish my parents would try to understand me more and look at the progress I have made, despite what I haven’t accomplished.

  Gina is articulate and speaks poignantly about her concerns. She believes she is a disappointment to her working class parents and this causes her to feel guilt and shame. She is making progress but more slowly than her parents would like. She yearns to be respected for the progress she has made.

  Gina senses that she is not ready to live on her own, emotionally and financially. What would make her feel ready to be on her own? How can she continue on a path toward independence that would prepare her to “pay her own bills”? Gina feels judged by her parents and knows she is coming up short. She seems to yearn for her parents’ respect. Her goals for her own life are perhaps not so different from the goals her parents have for her. And yet she seems stuck, a prisoner of her parents’ disappointment.

  How can her parents help Gina reach her goals? I strongly believe this question needs to be the focus of their discussions together. A solution-oriented approach would be helpful to Gina, one that does not judge or condemn her. A trained professional may help in facilitating these discussions. Gina’s feelings of guilt and shame need to be addressed and diminished. Her progress toward small goals can be acknowledged and celebrated. If that cannot happen within the current living arrangement, then perhaps her return trip home should be brought to an end as soon as possible.